by Maegan Abel
“You know I’m only a phone call away. Any time. Day or night.”
I nodded against his chest, the pillow in my arms hindering my ability to feel his full body against mine, which was probably a good thing. “It’s only, like, ten days or so. I can handle it.” My voice sounded more monotone than I wanted, but I was struggling.
“I know you can. I’ll be right here and when this is all over, we can work on really putting things behind us. Okay?” His voice sounded strained and a part of me was relieved that he was affected by the impending separation.
“Okay,” I answered, my mind thinking about all the things that would be waiting to haunt us when I returned. Jordan, Lizzie, the baby, Conner, the custody trial. Our lives weren’t going to settle down anytime soon but I knew the only way to keep going, to survive all this, was going to be taking it one day at a time.
He finally pulled back, cupping my cheeks and kissing me deeply. When we parted, he pressed his forehead against mine. “Take care of my heart while you’re gone.”
I smiled softly at his words, placing my hand over his chest. “As long as you take care of mine.”
Staring at the phone in my hand, I wished for what felt like the hundredth time already that I had gone with Lili. She’d only been gone for a day and I was seriously regretting my decision to stay. The last time I’d talked to her, they were somewhere in New Mexico, nearing the Texas border after stopping for the night to sleep. I knew by this evening she would be in Austin and I hated myself.
“If you’re just going to ignore me, you might as well leave.” Lizzie’s voice cut through my thoughts and I sighed, closing my eyes and slipping my phone back into my pocket.
“Sorry,” I muttered, leaning back in the uncomfortable chair but not looking over at her. According to my attorney, I needed to make an attempt to look like I cared about the child Lizzie was carrying, regardless of the still unknown paternity. Unfortunately, as much as I tried not to, I did care.
“Tishler?” A nurse called from the doorway and Lizzie stood. She glanced down at me.
“Aren’t you coming?”
I took a deep breath and followed her, hating the familiarity of the office. We’d been here, in this same building, same hallway, when we’d first heard Conner’s heartbeat. It was here that we saw him for the first time. When we found out we were having a boy. It all felt different now, the memories of fear melting into complete joy as the idea of being a father became less about my past and more about the future she carried, were all fake. I was a stand in for a man who would never step up and be a father to the child he helped to conceive.
But I didn’t regret it. Not for a second. Conner was still the very best part of my life.
“If you’ll just put on the gown and cover up your legs with the sheet, Dr. Fitzgerald will be in shortly,” the nurse said once we were in the room and she’d taken a few notes on the chart. I started to stand from the chair to follow the nurse out the door and as I did, Lizzie pulled her shirt over her head. My eyes were immediately drawn to the hot pink bra that she was more than filling at the moment.
“Jesus, Lizzie,” I said, turning my back to her and staring at the poster of a fetus at different months during a pregnancy. I should’ve expected her to do that. She’d never been shy about using her body to get attention and now I definitely remembered the changes to her body when she was pregnant.
“What’s your problem? Like you’ve never seen me naked. God, Zane, get over yourself.”
“You know exactly what my problem is,” I said, fighting to keep my voice even.
“When did you become such a prude?” she asked, a challenge to her words. I closed my eyes and shook my head, indicating I wouldn’t give in to her taunting. “Fine. I’m covered.”
I opened my eyes just as she dropped her clothes into the empty chair beside the one I was standing in front of, her matching pink thong hanging out of the back pocket of the jeans intentionally. I gave her time, keeping my back to her and listening to the crinkling of the paper until I was certain she’d be covered.
I dropped into the chair once I turned, still not looking at Lizzie in case she tried something else. I wanted to flip her stack of clothes over or tuck her thong inside the pocket completely but anything I did at this point would just draw attention to the fact that I was looking at it. And, fuck me, I couldn’t look away.
“God, I would’ve thought with you and Tish’s little pet moving in together you’d be a little less high strung.”
My head snapped toward Lizzie, my temper reaching its boiling point. At that moment, there was a knock at the door and Dr. Fitzgerald entered. She gave me a warm smile and memories of Conner’s birth resurfaced. I was terrified that day and the nurses were running around, not answering my questions. It was Dr. Fitzgerald that kept me calm.
I remained quiet during the exam, listening to the doctor’s assessment of the progression of the baby. According to the doctor, Lizzie hadn’t gained as much weight as she should have by this point, but I knew that was the drugs. When the toxicology report came back after the accident and showed some seriously dangerous substances in her system, I had even more confirmation that I’d made the right choice in going after custody of Conner.
“Are you ready to take a look at the baby?” Dr. Fitzgerald asked and Lizzie beamed at me. She was excited and I tried not to let that affect me.
As the nurse flipped the light off, I stood and moved to the side of Lizzie’s bed. Before I had time to prepare myself, the quick, whooshing thump I knew to be the sound of a baby’s heartbeat filled the room. I was immediately transfixed on the screen as the picture came into focus. The blacks and grays blended as the doctor moved the wand over Lizzie’s stomach and after only a few more seconds, I was able to start piecing together what I was seeing.
The doctor pointed out the head as the baby curled away from the pressure of the wand. I couldn’t help but laugh as I leaned closer, watching as the doctor continued taking measurements and pointing out body parts. The baby arched, stretching before curling back in on itself. It was perfect.
When the lights came back on, I realized that Lizzie’s hand was clasped around mine, and probably had been for most of the last several minutes. It felt surreal, like I was watching the whole scene from somewhere outside of my body, but I squeezed her fingers, still smiling. I hated myself instantly, worried about my attachment to the child.
“Before we leave, can you explain the dangers of prenatal paternity testing again?” I asked, knowing the answers I would receive. Dr. Fitzgerald glanced between us as Lizzie dropped my hand, turning her head away from me. Looking somewhat uncomfortable with the topic, the doctor did her best to help me understand the pros and cons of the original style of testing. This early in the pregnancy, the less invasive and risk-free test that I was considering, would likely garner an indefinite answer. If I wanted to use the new method, I needed to continue to wait.
I wasn’t thinking about Lizzie. I wasn’t even thinking about me. I was thinking about the baby I’d just seen on the screen, very much alive as it grew inside of Lizzie. Waiting a few months meant trying to continue to guard my heart from falling for a child I already knew I cared too much about, but it meant that child wouldn’t die from my impatience. There was no reason, legally or logically, that I couldn’t wait. I didn’t want to but I also didn’t want to be responsible for the death of this child, whether it was mine or not.
After the door closed behind the doctor, Lizzie sat up, turning her back to me as she swung her legs off the bed. She kept her head down, probably staring at the ultrasound pictures in her hands. “When you find out she’s yours, are you going to take her away from me, too?” Her voice wavered with tears and uncertainty. She was emotional, hormonal, and scared. But her fears were valid.
“I’m not sure I can but that doesn’t mean I won’t try,” I answered honestly. “If she,” I used her terminology, knowing Lizzie wanted a girl the first time around as well, “turns ou
t to be mine, I’ll want her safe. Hell, Lizzie, I want her safe now. And she’s not. Not as long as you’re still using.”
“I stopped,” she said, choking out the last word with a sob. “I stopped when you took my son away from me.”
“Christ, stop making it sound like I did it to hurt you. I did what was best for my son. You have to know that by now. He’s the only reason I keep going some days.”
Lizzie stood then, moving over to the chair that held her clothes. She dropped the gown, leaving herself completely exposed, but I expected it this time. I worked to keep my eyes on her face and my body from reacting in any way. As she shimmied the barely-there, obviously worthless scrap of underwear up her legs, my eyes fell on the small bump of her abdomen — and yes, they scanned further — before I brought them back to her face. She didn’t gloat that I’d looked, she just watched me watching her as she slowly redressed.
The walk to the car was quiet as I tried to navigate through the strange rush of emotion today had brought. As much as I tried to guard myself, I knew the second I heard that heartbeat that I was a goner. I thought it had started feeling real, I thought I was finally coming to terms with the fact that it might be my child, but today, for the first time, I actually felt joy. It was the same joy I remembered having when Lizzie was pregnant with Conner. The kind of joy that helped me bury my fear and insecurity about being a father.
The kind of joy that was hard to dim, regardless of everything else going on in my life.
As I started the engine, Lizzie reminded me of her presence. “I’m honestly a little surprised.” There was still a trace of hurt in her voice. I looked over and raised an eyebrow in question before pulling out onto the main road. “I figured the little pet would be blowing up your phone since we were gone so long together.”
Her words struck a nerve and I narrowed my eyes as I kept my focus in front of me. I hadn’t told Lili where I was going today. I wasn’t trying to lie to her and if she’d asked, I would’ve been honest, but with her leaving town and the stress of Adam and the trial lingering, I didn’t want to add to her already too heavy load.
“Why don’t you worry about your own shit and keep your nose out of my relationship,” I said, trying to keep the guilt from my tone.
“Oooo relationship? Damn. That sounds serious. I figured you just moved her in because she was wild in the sack,” Lizzie taunted.
Now at a stoplight, I shifted uncomfortably in my seat. It wasn’t like me to let Lizzie’s bullshit words get to me and she knew right away that she’d found a weak point. And Lizzie being Lizzie, she exploited it.
“What?” she asked, her voice skeptical. “Are you not? You aren’t even fucking her?”
“Mind your own goddamn business, Elizabeth,” I seethed.
“Oh, baby, it all makes so much more sense now. Usually it takes a few drinks to get you checking me out the way you were in there.” She trailed her nail along my upper arm as I drove and I shrugged away from her touch, ignoring her words. “We both know you liked what you saw.” When I slid my gaze sideways at her in warning, she tipped her head, nodding toward my jeans. She was right and she knew it. She didn’t need me to confirm her words and I wouldn’t.
“You know,” she started, her hand landing on my thigh and her nails scratching tantalizingly over the denim. My dick twitched in response and I hated that she knew exactly what she was doing. “I’m the one who already knows how you like it. You know we’re good together.” Her voice got huskier as she leaned over the console, her lips near my ear. “You already said you didn’t have to pick Conner up until three. Your house is completely empty and no one would ever have to know. It’s a means to an end, for both of us. Plus, once you pick up our son, I can spend a little time with both of you. I haven’t seen him in so long.” I tried to focus on her words but her hand moving higher on my thigh, closer to the part of me that hadn’t been touched by anyone but myself in months, was making it hard to concentrate. I removed her hand, placing it in her lap. I had to think. Conner. The lawyer said if I started denying Lizzie at least supervised visitation, it would work against me. He wouldn’t be in danger if I were there too. But I had to draw the line with Lizzie. And sexually frustrated or not, I could do that.
The closer we got to Texas, the sicker I felt. I’d even taken up smoking again, which had already earned me two lectures from Tish. I hadn’t smoked in over a year but with everything going on plus being away from Zane, I couldn’t help myself. Apparently, I needed a crutch.
By the time we arrived in Austin, I had my feet drawn up in the seat and my head resting on my knees, willing myself not to vomit. I remembered every moment of growing up in this place and I hated the way every muscle in my body tensed at the thought that I was within miles of everything I’d run away from in the first place. It all looked exactly the way I remembered. It felt like I was willingly riding right into my nightmares.
Tish checked us in at a motel just a few blocks away from the courthouse. We’d researched it before we left. It was close enough to escape either on foot or by car if we were followed. There most likely wouldn’t be a lot of press but given Hunter’s status as an Olympic medalist, the story had gathered national attention with the media outlets. It was sad, really, the way athletes were regarded by the media, as if they could do no wrong. I hoped, after this trial and Hunter’s guilty verdict, some of that might change.
By the time we carried our bags to the small room, I couldn’t hold back any longer. I dropped my duffel and darted into the bathroom, losing what little food I’d been able to consume over the last few days. Tish tapped on the rickety French doors of the bathroom, drawing my attention since they weren’t fully closed. He flipped on the light over the sink, filling the tiny room with a loud buzzing as the bulb flickered like a strobe light. Tish ignored it, placing my toothbrush and toothpaste on the counter before grabbing a washcloth and running it under the water. He stepped behind me, carefully laying it over the back of my neck as I continued to retch. If it had been anyone other than Tish, I would’ve been embarrassed. But, he’d seen me at some of my lowest points and never judged me. He always supported me, even when I didn’t deserve it.
“I’m proud of you, Lee. You know that?” he asked when I was finally able to stand. He held a hand out to support me as I moved to the sink to wash my face and brush my teeth.
“Why?” I asked, my voice hoarse. I was light-headed and when I looked at my reflection, small, red dots were showing under the pale skin around my eyes. I stared at the rash-like spots, groaning as I realized the blood vessels had burst. Perfect.
Tish leaned against the wall beside me as I started brushing my teeth, his arms crossed as he watched me in the mirror. “Because you’re here. You’re doing it. You’re facing this nightmare and you’re doing it without the one person we both know you wish was standing here in my place.”
I turned, grabbing a hand towel off the rack and drying my face before I leaned against the counter as I stared at Tish. After a moment, I stepped to him, putting my forehead against his broad chest. “I’m glad you’re here. I don’t really know how to do this or what’s going to happen and as much as I love Zane, I don’t want him to see me break down,” I admitted softly, my throat still raw.
Tish sighed and wrapped his arms tightly around me, squeezing me until I was completely engulfed by his much larger frame. This was just one of the things I loved about Tish. He wasn’t afraid he was going to break me. He still wouldn’t initiate physical contact since I had flinched from him but I hoped, in time, we could move past that. “Zane loves you. You don’t have to hide from him. You know that, right?” He leaned back, releasing his hold on my back to grip my shoulders. Searching my face, he lifted one hand to brush the skin around my eye with a thumb. “You don’t have to hide any of this. You can’t always be impervious to pain or fear or even love. You’re human, just like the rest of us, and he knows that.”
Swallowing down the nausea as I thought of Zane,
or anyone really, witnessing the emotional breakdown I feared would come when I was actually forced to face Hunter, I sighed. “I spent three years learning to hide from people and two more learning to hide my emotions. Letting people in, trusting them, isn’t really one of my strong points.” I broke our eye contact, my voice trembling as I continued. “Besides, we both know that at any moment this could become too much for him.”
“What the fuck does that mean?” Tish asked, sounding genuinely confused. We were both distracted as the buzzing of light finally stopped and my eyes adjusted to the dingy brightness.
“You were there, Tish. You saw what happened when he realized where our flirting was headed. You were there every time he started to distance himself from me when things got too heavy between us. Don’t act like you don’t know exactly what I’m talking about.”
Tish was shaking his head before I finished speaking. “You’re wrong. That Zane was still too damaged. He wasn’t ready to see what was in front of him. And if you really stop to think about it, you’ll realize I’m right. How many times did Zane show up at your work over the last few years?”
“I don’t know. A lot?” I furrowed my brow, wondering where he was taking this.
“And he never once had a problem with you flirting for tips, did he?” He didn’t give me a chance to answer, the question was clearly rhetorical. “As a matter of fact, I’m betting in two years, he rarely ever caused a speck of trouble for you when you were out unless you asked him to. That is, until the last month or so before his birthday.”
I thought through Tish’s words, shock taking the place of almost every other emotion in my body. After that very first night we spoke at the bar, Zane never intervened for me unless I gave him a signal. He never once crossed that line. Which is why those last few times we went out before his birthday had ended with us being irritated with one another. He stepped in when I didn’t need him. He cared. He might not have realized it — hell, I was just now putting it together — but he had started to care that I was with other men.
