by Lauren Wynn
“I love you, Zan.” She scratches her index finger on my chest and draws the outline of a heart. In her typical fashion, she clenches the collar of my shirt in her fist and lays her thumb to rest on my bare skin.
I close my eyes and wish I could physically feel the warmth of her skin on mine, but for now, I’m satisfied feeling it through her.
“Night, night.” She pauses. “Night, Mom…” she whispers. “Zan…”
“Yeah?”
“I know she’s not here, but I still say goodnight to her.”
“That’s good. Keeps her memory fresh.”
“I miss her,” she says, yawning.
“I know you do.” I sense the tug on her heart. “I wish I could have met her.”
She would have loved you, she thinks, too tired to talk.
The Dove
I was completely content watching her sleep the rest of the night. However, duty pulled me away several times, including responding to another of Avery’s nightmare-provoked calls. I slipped out and back in unnoticed, sometimes gone for only minutes at a time, thanks to my “transportation” abilities. Each time I returned, I would sit on the edge of the daybed and watch her, mesmerized. She gripped the sheet with her fist just as she does the collar of my shirt. An occasional mumble would sneak out of her mouth, but nothing coherent. Faint thoughts pass through her mind, mostly jumbled memories, faces of friends, and song lyrics so mixed up they seem to have gone through a bad game of telephone.
My eyes trace the outline of her olive-skinned, heart-shaped face. A subtle smile plays on her pink lips and her thoughts reveal one white feather lying in the palm of her hand. It has been so long since I spread my wings, I have nearly forgotten I had feathers. And some day, before I lose them, I will show her.
The dawn awakens outside her bedroom window. I ease my way out of bed, careful not to wake her, pulling the cherry-red sheet up to cover her and kiss her forehead. I unfurl my wings just long enough to pluck one feather and place it on her bed-side table before heading to the park. The shower is running, so I tiptoe out the front door closing it quietly so her father doesn’t hear. That is one conversation I am not prepared to engage in this morning, but I wanted to jog to the park instead of using my alternate mode.
The deep blue sky is cloudless, another cool March morning, ideal for a jog to the park. I round the bend in the road and find I am not the only one who thought it was a nice morning. Five deer with fancy white tails stand at the edge of the tree-lined street, nibbling on the last few leaves that the winter didn’t consume. As I curve down the hill, I wonder how jogging will feel when I am no longer an angel. Right now, I can jog forever without tiring and I know with 100 percent certainty that will not be the case when I actually have lungs, a heart, and muscle. That will be an interesting discovery, one of many I’m sure.
At the park, I sit on the stage of the outdoor amphitheater, not far from the swing set where we usually meet. The sun slowly creeps across the dewy grass that surrounds the stage. I lie flat on my back resting my head on my hands and I close my eyes, even though it is still on the darker side of dawn.
I believe you led me to Providence for a reason and regardless of the reason, I will forever be changed and for that, I cannot thank you enough. I know my decision to be with her is not in line with what You created me to be and I apologize for that, but I need to be clear…I have no intention of giving up the mission You sent me here to do. I will continue to serve You…with or without my wings. I’m sorry I’m letting You down and I pray for Your approval. I shouldn’t be making the choice I’m making. I love her, almost as much as I love You, and I cannot ignore that. I cannot bury my feelings for her anymore. I want to find a way to have you both. Please forgive me. I don’t deserve it, but please forgive me.
Keeping my eyes closed, I sit up in a prayerful posture.
Please forgive me. Please guide me.
The sound of flapping wings brings me out of my prayer. At the edge of the stage, a pure-white dove lands to face me. I find it rather surprising that a dove would choose to rest so close to me in this otherwise desolate park. I watch him for a moment. He hops around as if to prove to me that he is, in fact, pure white, unlike those mangy pigeons. But with one flap of his wings, he flies off toward the swings. I follow, intrigued by his unusual behavior. He lands on the top of the swing set, but the sound of Leo’s voice scares him off.
“Hello, hello,” Leo calls from the black, rubbery seat of his swing.
I wave, unable to speak. The thought of telling him and Grant about my choice has me on edge. The only thing that keeps me going this morning is knowing that I will hear Providence’s voice as soon as she wakes.
Grant saunters toward us crossing over the unused railroad tracks that separate the park from the parking lot. His eyes rest on my face. “You’re not going to ask for reassignment, are you?” he asks in an even tone.
I shake my head side to side and look at the ground.
Leo walks over and gives me a giant hug, nearly picking me up off the ground. “I had a feeling, man. She’s cute and a feisty little thing too.” He laughs. “Oh…I remember that morning in our apartment, ha, there was no way you were going to escape her.” Leo’s jolly laugh has us all smiling despite the severity of my decision.
The image of her wearing her little black miniskirt and stomping her stiletto heel on the floor passes through my mind. I shake my head. I recall the morning she said, “You, me…we’re not done here.” I never imagined this is where it would take us.
“And you’re sure about this?” Grant asks, staring at the mocha-colored river.
“I am. I’ve never been more certain of anything.” I pause, “It’s a little scary, though. I feel as though I’m caught between two worlds. I was given the gift to act as a bridge between the two, and while I always favored our home, I would rather choose to live in this broken world with a physical body then ever go back to that world and be without her. I’m sure that sounds crazy to you.”
“Actually, not at all, man, not at all.” Grant stares me in the eye. “I just want to make sure you aren’t jumping.”
“I’m not. I love her. I didn’t know it could be like this.” A warm sensation flows through me. “The only leap I’m taking is on the belief that she will love me forever.”
“You believe she will?”
“I do. I have no reason not to.”
“You’re giving up a lot for this.” Grant is always acting as my voice of reason.
“And I would choose her every time.”
I pause for a moment, reflecting on the less-than-two months I’ve spent here. “It’s funny, I was nervous about coming here. Now I don’t want to ever leave.”
“The feelings can be out of control, yeah?” Leo says.
“Yeah, I was not prepared.”
“Nah, you were. You can handle all the others. She’s different, man. I’ve never had that and Grant’s dash of temptation was just that, a dash.”
“Yeah, 2C never lingered with me like Providence does with you.”
“Gabriel said they wouldn’t have sent me if I weren’t ready.” The thought of that sounds amusing to me now. It sure does appear they were mistaken. “She was my second caller. Its nuts. I haven’t even been here two full months and I already can’t be without her. Man alive, why would He bring us together if we weren’t allowed to be together? He could have assigned her to either of you. I’m certain He knew the choice I would make.”
“She was always your assignment. Maybe Providence is your providence, your divine guidance,” Grant says, his voice more upbeat than I have heard all morning. His friendship is so valuable to me I’m glad to hear his optimism. I want to believe him, but I don’t think He would guide me in that direction, no matter how much I want it.
“Grant and I always wondered why they didn’t send you with us when we came here six years ago.”
“Six years, really, it’s been that long?” I question.
“
Yep, going on seven. Time is a strange concept there, kind of get lost in it. Anyway, maybe that’s why they waited to send you here: to give her more time.”
“What do you mean? Do you think if they sent me here six years ago, I would have been assigned to her then?”
“Yes. We think assignments are predetermined.”
“And it takes an act of God to get reassigned.” Grant snickers half kidding, half not since he’s been through it before.
“That would make sense, though. Her mom passed away eight years ago, when she was sixteen. Things with her dad went south around the same time you guys would have arrived here.”
“Sixteen, yikes!” Leo teases.
“Don’t even go there…” I roll my eyes.
I take a seat on the grass and bend my neck back letting the golden sunlight shine on my face.
“In all seriousness, how long do you think I have?”
“Hard tellin’. They will come for you. My sense is…you probably have some time. If you keep up with your duties and don’t go…umm…too far with her, they will wait it out.”
“To see if I change my mind?”
“Perhaps. But they really have no need to come here if you are fulfilling your duty.”
“Wow, okay, good to know.” Relief trickles over me. That buys me some time. I’ll figure out how to make this work. I wasn’t intending to abandon my duties anyway. “Please promise me you will tell her if they take me away before I can myself.”
“We will. You can trust us.” Grant places his hand on my shoulder providing reassurance.
“Do you know what will happen?”
“All I know is they come for you, and at some point you will return here, sans the wings.”
“Yikes, frightening thought. Do you think He will give me the same grace He gives to humans?” I have been internally struggling with the thought that He deems humans worthy of grace but not angels. Will He forgive this one act of disobedience or is it too huge to forgive?
“I don’t know. For your sake, I hope so.” Leo extends a hand to help me off the ground.
“Ugh…what a mess! A beautiful mess, but a mess nonetheless. Got to struggle before you can succeed, right?” I sigh and shrug, hoping to talk myself into believing that.
Zan, good morning. Ah, a feather. I love it. Her sweet voice sings in my mind. A wide smile stretches across my face. My eyes are beaming.
“What is that look for? Grant just told you you’d come back without wings and now your grinning?”
“Providence is awake.” I try to force myself to stop smiling. No such luck.
Leo shakes his head. “Enjoy that while it lasts…you won’t be able to do that when you’re mortal.”
“But then I’ll be with her when she wakes up instead of here with you two.” I pass my pointer finger between them. “Don’t get me wrong. You guys are great, but she’s, well, she’s incredible.”
Leo plays a punch at my gut.
“Wait!” Grant says suddenly and faces me directly. “How did you do that?”
“Do what?”
“How did you hear her? Was she praying? Is she here?”
“No, she’s at home, but she said, ‘Zan, good morning.’”
Grant and Leo look at each other.
“What the…?” Leo starts.
“Dude, unless she’s right next to you, you shouldn’t be able to hear her say good morning to you. And last time I checked, ‘Zan, good morning’ isn’t a prayer.” Grants face is twisted in disbelief.
He tilts his head to Leo, who is confirming his statement.
“I told you, I feel her almost all the time.”
“Snap, Zan. I didn’t think that meant she could page you.” Leo exclaims in surprise.
“That’s a...umm…unique ability, Zan. Does that happen with others?” Grant questions with concern.
“Nope, just her.” I smile and proudly raise my head. It hasn’t occurred to me that it is a unique ability. I guess I’m glad it’s not like that with all my callers or else voices would constantly be screaming through my mind.
“Huh!” Grant huffs.
“Well, there may be something to that…” Leo stares across the park in deep thought. Moments later he snaps back, realizing Grant and I are still waiting to hear his epiphany. “You’ve got business to tend to.” He waves his fingers as if to say “off with you.” “I’m not going to hold you up while I process through my theory, well, non-theory really. It’s more like wishful thinking.”
I chuckle. Leo is always exceedingly optimistic, except, of course, when it comes to my dancing abilities.
“I’m gonna head home. I feel like I’ve been in these clothes forever. See you later.” I wave. “Oh, hey…thanks for talking through this with me.”
“No problem, man. We’ll be here every morning.” A smile lights up Grant’s face. He is proud of his joke.
I start off walking to the loft to change clothes, but the excitement of seeing Providence this morning has me wanting to get to her faster than I can run. I slip into the park’s public restroom and transform. Even though I don’t see anyone around, I still get nervous changing forms out in the open. I can see the headlines now: Man Vanishes Into Thin Air From Local Park.
Back at the loft, my bedroom is still in disarray from the reorganization that was sparked by the dreaded date with Chance. I straighten up and change my clothes. I pace the apartment and wonder exactly how long I have to wait before I can go back to her. She didn’t exactly ask me to come over. I tie my Nikes and think a jog home would have been a better idea so I wouldn’t be sitting here twiddling my thumbs.
Zan…umm…what are you doing today?
And just like that, my worry vanishes.
Moments later, I appear in her bedroom. The daylight shines in, reflecting off the white walls, brightening up the place. The cherry-red and white plaid comforter lies smooth on her now-made bed. A matching fabric board hangs from the wall above her desk, displaying fun pictures of Providence and her friends. Pictures from a prom, Providence and her mom holding the keys to her then-new Civic, Providence and her dad at high-school graduation, and even a recent one of the three friends at the rave, and in the top corner, tucked behind red elastic, are my two white feathers.
While I grin that I have a place with her treasured friends, I quickly turn my focus back to the photo of Providence at age sixteen with her mom and wonder how different our relationship would have been if I had come here when Grant and Leo did. I recall feeling like a big brother to Avery. Is that how I would have felt with Providence all those years ago?
“Well, hello there, handsome. Peeking at my pics?” Providence waltzes in the door, not appearing at all exhausted from her lack of sleep. She skips past me, rubbing her hand along my lower back as she passes.
“You always look so cute when you dress cas, with your little T-shirt on T-shirt action, cute-butt jeans, and your super-snazzy sneakers.” She gives a wink. Her beige eye shadow sparkles in the sunlight.
“Cute-butt jeans?” I laugh. She never ceases to amaze me.
“Oh yeah, you’re a ten on the hottie scale. Taylor will back me up on that one.” She picks up her phone as if to obtain instant confirmation.
I stroll over placing my hands on her hips. “Is that the same as the cuteness scale?” I laugh, secretly glad I passed Chance’s eight and a half rating.
“Oh, no, no, no.” She waves a finger at me. “You bypassed the cuteness scale, went straight to hottie.” She rises up on her toes and presses her lips to mine. A tingle surfaces the moment our lips join. She presses more firmly and a fire erupts in her core, slowly spreading throughout her body. I tug her closer, using the belt loops of her jeans, and then place my hand along her jawbone and press my lips to hers again. A breath gets caught in her throat and a fog clouds her mind, leaving her dizzy. Her legs weaken until she levels her feet back to the floor.
“Phew! Deep breath.” Her scarlet cheeks slowly fade to rose. “See what I mean, I
think you just jumped the hottie scale, and we don’t even have one after that.” She waves a hand fanning her face.
A strange sensation turns her stomach, and then I hear it growl. She throws her hand flat on her belly. “Ooh!” She giggles.
“Let’s go get you something to eat.” I smile.
“Mmm … how ’bout a bagel, I love a good bagel.”
“Bagel it is then.”
“Walk or drive?”
“Your choice, Little One. I’ve never ridden in a car.”
“Seriously? Well…we have to drive, then. I want your first riding experience to be with me.” She grabs my hand and pulls me down the stairs and out the door. We hop into her small, silver Civic. She turns the key and the music begins blaring. After belting out a line of two of the song and bobbing her head, she throws the gear shift into reverse, and we fly backward out of the driveway. Before gravity even allows me to straighten up in my seat, she speeds down the street, the trees and houses blurring as we pass. We curve around the bend on what feels like two wheels and then zip down the hill. I have never been so happy to see the stop sign that stands at the bottom. My back presses hard into the seat as she slams on the brake, and I’m fairly certain there will be a permanent imprint when I get out. We race across the four-lane intersection into the parking lot of the bagel shop. I’m inclined to take a deep breath, but instead I take comfort in the fact that her heart rate never once fluctuated.
“So…what did ya think? Good ride?” she asks, opening her door.
“Uh, well…a little frightening.” I peer over the roof of the car and smile, hoping that will smooth over my less than positive feedback.
“Too fast for ya, Officer Zan?” she says sarcastically and nudges me with her shoulder.
I grab hold of her back belt loop and when she turns to face me, I squint at her. “Oh, you just wait, Little One…one of these days I’m going to take you flying with me.”
She narrows her eyes in return, bites her bottom lip, clenches my shirt in a fist and whispers in my ear, “Is that a promise?” Her moist lips pucker against my neck, leaving her warm and fuzzy. But hunger calls and she takes my hand, skipping into the bagel shop.
