"I guess. I just don't see how you got so lucky to get the hottest girl I've ever seen."
"Tell me about it. I'm just as shocked as you are. I don't even know how I managed to meet the hottest girl I've ever met after like half the population died. I mean what kind of odds are those? It seems my luck will never end."
"You shouldn't say things like that, homie. That's bad Ju-Ju. Now get some sleep. I'll wake you up if you don't have to wake me up."
"Don't fall asleep, man. Evelyn will be pissed. You know how girls like to feel safe."
"Alright, Pete. You're lucky I had a partial sick day today. See you in the morning, homie."
"Thanks, bud. Night."
Evelyn was curled up in my sleeping bag near a tree. I grabbed my blanket and curled up next to her with my back facing her. I didn't want her to think I was getting creepy. Girls spook easily and the last thing I wanted to do was to freak her out in the middle of the night.
It was going to be a cold night.
Chapter Five
"Sorry," said Evelyn, waking up.
"You too, Pete. It's time to get up." I heard Kyle’s voice as he kicked my foot in an attempt to wake me up.
I opened my eyes. It felt as if I had just fallen asleep. My body was sore from shivering all night and sleeping on the cold ground. I should have thrown something under me to keep the ground from sucking out all of my warmth.
"What'd you say sorry for? Did you rape me last night? Kyle! Call 911! I've been raped!" I watched as my words puffed out of my mouth like smoke from the cold.
"No, you stupid,” she said while slapping me in the chest. “I woke up to a big puddle of drool that I must have left on your shoulder last night. So, sorry."
I hadn't even noticed she was nestled up to me yet. Score.
"C’mon, you think a little puddle of drool is going to bother me after you spit straight into my mouth yesterday? I can still taste your boogerey tears!" I laughed as I stretched my arms out.
"Shut up! You're not supposed to mention that. I didn’t think you even noticed! I'm sorry for that now, too," she said, cheeks blushing and hanging her head slightly.
"Oh, you know I'm just kidding to have some fun with you. You can spit in my mouth anytime you want to if it makes you feel better, okay?"
"I might have to take you up on that sometime," she said sassily.
"Yeah? That’s good, because I'm kind of really into that sort of thing."
"Oh, God. I think my plan to out gross you may be backfiring," she replied.
"I have the strangest boner right now," chimed in Kyle, ruining the moment once more.
And with that, I looked from Evelyn to Kyle, and back to Evelyn. The moment was indeed ruined. Well played, my friend. I put my boots back on and laced them up; my feet were nearly frozen. I looked over to Evelyn who was already just about set for the day.
"What's for breakfast?" Evelyn asked, doing her best to find a comfortable topic.
"Remember those beans we had last night for dinner?" I reminded her.
"Yeah. We all split a can and finished the whole thing off in no time. Do you have another can for breakfast? I’m starving."
"No, but if you're lucky you might be able to lick your
lips and get another taste of them. Unless, of course, you
drooled out all of the remaining flavor all over me last night, in which case you can feel free to have a lick. We've got no time for breakfast. We've got to catch up to your mom as soon as we can. Maybe she’ll have some food so we can have a nice little picnic when we meet up with her. If everyone is ready, then I think it's time for us to head off," I said as I finished stuffing my sleeping bag into my backpack. It smelled like Evelyn, and I wanted to press my face into it, but thought it might send the wrong message.
"I'm ready whenever you guys are," said the always high maintenance Kyle.
"I'm ready, too. You're right. We need to make up some ground while we can. Let's go," agreed Evelyn.
After I found the markings I had made before bed indicating which direction we’d come from and in which direction to continue, we were off. Who says I have no sense of direction?
***
We came upon a solid black horse with a few bags on its side.
"SHAD-"
"SHHHHHH!" I silenced Evelyn as I placed my hand on her shoulder.
"Evelyn, you contain the horse. Kyle, you come over here and check this shit out."
"What do you see?" asked Kyle.
Looking through my rifle mounted optic, I said, "See that white house across the clearing? I can make out four bodies around it. It looks like they must be after something inside."
"MOM!" Evelyn half whispered, half shouted as she overheard me.
"I'm thinking so. Problem is, we don't know what's on the other side of that place. So here is what's going to happen-"
"Human bait time?" asked Kyle. What an awesome dude.
"No, not this time, bud. What is going to happen is you and Evelyn are going to stay right here, out of harm’s way. Whatever happens, you make sure she's okay. Got it? What I'll do is take the horse around back while staying visible to you. See the way around?" I pointed out the planned route out to him. “When I make it to the back side I'll give you a thumbs up or a thumbs down as you observe via your optic. Thumbs up means it’s all clear around back. Take them out. Thumbs down means there are unfriendlies back there that I would prefer to take down quietly, in which case I'll ditch the pony and proceed on foot. You wait until you have visual contact with me and I'll give the thumbs up."
"At which point I take out those four, right?"
"Bingo. Now unless there are any more questions for me, I'll be on my way so we can get this whole thing over with." I looked at each one of them individually. There were no questions from either one of them. I walked to the horse and vaulted on. No saddle. Carolina must have taken it off for the night. This ought to be fun.
"Good luck, Peter," said Evelyn, her voice rang out with a hint of anxiety.
"Yeah, bud. Not that you’ll be needing it," Kyle said as he slapped the horse on the ass.
As it turned out, he slapped the horse just a little bit too hard. I would never have noticed other than the fact that it took off at top speed towards the house in a ruthless attempt to grind my testicles into flour. I bounced up and down on its withers, clinging to its thick mane for dear life.
Right about then is when it hit me. I’d never ridden on a horse before. I hadn't the slightest clue as to how to make this come to an end. The only thought in my tiny brain at that time was "help" as I stuck out my arm with my thumb up in the air like some hitchhiker.
*CRACK*
One round went flying into the first zombie’s skull. I had a feeling Kyle wouldn't be able to get all four of them since I was right in the bullet path of one of them. I looked over at the window in the center of the house and saw Carolina peeking out. The expression on her face was one of terror.
*CRACK*
Two of them were down now. Squeezing the horse between my legs, I lifted my rifle and tried to stabilize it. Fuck. I had no chance at getting a head shot on this bastard. The horse was way too fast and unstable beneath me.
*CRACK*
The third shambling, unliving creature went down. Kyle, you're a rock star, but good job putting all the pressure on me to save my own ass. What an unthoughtful dick.
I said a silent prayer to the god up above who allowed all this mess to happen in the first place. I opened my eyes. The zombie was maybe 25 yards away from me now. I took aim for center mass of the rapidly approaching target as I began to slowly squeeze the trigger. This was just like I was back on the rifle range, I thought.
Chapter Six
Sobbing.
Cursing.
Different sobbing.
It was difficult to make out any of the sounds through the ringing in my ears.
Well, I'm alive. Now, all I have to do is let them know as much. I just had to think of the per
fect thing to say that would make them laugh and smile to ease their pain.
"Uh . . . Nuh . . ."
Nailed it. I began to roll onto my side, but pain exploded throughout my body, especially in my nuts where the horse had tried its best to turn me into a woman.
"Pete?!" came Kyle's voice. You can tell I'm alive. You are so awesome right now, dude. I know someone who’s getting another bear hug later on.
"Peter?!" cried Evelyn, as I heard her footsteps running over to me.
"Hold on there, girlie. Homeboy over here was just blown the fuck up. Even them big old pillows in your shirt will probably hurt him right now. Trust me. I hit an improvised explosive device when I was in Afghanistan. I'm pretty sure that's what he just did . . . but on a horse instead of in a
HMMWV. You okay, bud?"
My bell was rung, that was for sure.
Wiggle toes. Check.
Wiggle fingers. Win.
Lift head. Ow, but okay. Time to sit up. Slowly. Looking around, I found I was still on the ground outside the house.
Nailed it.
"Yup. Still feel like a million bucks. And I never thought I'd say this, but I'll have to take a rain check on those beautiful pillows of yours," I strained to say to Evelyn who was no kneeling beside me.
"That's my daughter you're talking about, Mister!"
"Glad to see you're okay, Carolina. Kyle. What the hell was that, guys? Was I just in an explosion or what?"
"Like I was just saying, I think it was a land mine or something, homie. We're all super lucky you didn't get turned into red Jell-O just now."
I began looking around, observing the ground—my vision was slightly blurry from turning my head too fast. "I don't think that was a land mine, dude. Check out the ground. There aren't any craters anywhere. Plus, why would there be IEDs or land mines out here in the woods? The explosion was above ground."
"Damn, you're good for a guy who hangs out with me AND just got blown the fuck up."
"Don't sell yourself short, pal. Leave that to us," I said to him with a strained chuckle.
"Well, if it wasn't a mine or anything like that, then what the hell was it?” Evelyn asked.
I began thinking. What was different this time? There aren’t any propane tanks or gas lines anywhere. What could have happened? The first of two differences I could detect was the shot placement. I’d always shot them in the head until today. I knew there was zero chance in hell that I was that lucky this time. And the second difference was the rounds that we had found in that cabin.
"So, what about my opponent?" I asked, trying to figure out exactly what had happened.
"He was straight up vaporized, man. He must have been right on top of the blast."
Did the zombie have killer gas? This thought gave me an idea.
"Where is one of the others that you put down?" I asked Kyle as I carefully got to my feet.
"There's one over there and two on the other corner that way," he pointed out.
I swung around the backpack I was still wearing as I walked, very slowly, to the nearest corpse. After some shuffling around I withdrew my 9mm pistol from the bag.
"Don't worry, homie. That one ain't coming back. See his
dome-piece? I nailed that piece of shit real good."
"Indulge me," I said, lazily pointing the pistol at the zombie’s stomach. In the event that I was right, I added, "Hold on, let's take a couple of steps back."
We backed up a good ten paces. I took aim again and let loose a round.
"Oh my God!" shouted Kyle. "That smell! It's like all the cows on Earth just took a shit inside my nose!" He staggered back, swatting at the air around him like he was being swarmed by an angry nest of hornets.
Methane. Incendiary rounds. Solution.
"Guys," I said, addressing everyone. "I think I have some good news. I'm no scientist, but it seems to me that the digestion process of these fucks gives off roughly a metric fuck ton of methane. Like cow farts. That flammable gas combined with these rounds that Kyle and I happened upon the other night results in what I would call a 'fuck my world' grade explosion."
"How is this good news?" asked Evelyn. "It looks to me that so-called good news just about took you away from us."
"Pfft," said Kyle with an air of superiority. But the look in his eyes betrayed him. To me it did anyway. I could tell he didn't know where this train of thought was headed.
"Imagine: If we're walking anywhere and we come upon a big old horde of the undead fucks, like we used to find them all the time, one shot on each side could take out nearly half of them, depending on the size. It's like a self-destruct mechanism that I've just discovered," I declared, as if I'd just cured the zombie affliction.
"Yeah, come on ladies, try to keep up." Good job, Kyle. Way to send the point home.
"Well, looks like we can all go home happily now. Job well done, everybody. The hard part is over, now let’s get moving," I said. I walked over to where my rifle was lying on the ground and picked it up.
"I ain't goin’ back yet. I haven’t done what I set out to do," said Carolina, indignantly. Fuck my life.
"What are you talking about, Mom? It's not safe for you out here by yourself," Evelyn tried to convince her.
"Who's alone? I've got my daughter and two home grown heroes out here to help me. I can't think of any way I could possibly be any safer. Unless, of course, if dipshit hero number one hadn’t gone and blown up my damn horse and all of my supplies, that is." She was staring daggers at me. "The way I see it, you helping me find my husband, alive or dead . . . or undead . . . will be payment for one blown up horse."
"Well, I guess I'll be seeing you in small claims court,
then. Good luck with that and let me know how it works out for you. Come on, guys."
I turned and started walking back the way we had come.
No one followed.
"Dude, I'm not going to leave her all by herself,” said Kyle. “Like you said, everyone thinks we're heroes. It's time to start acting like it. I'm going to help her with or without you."
There was a long pause as I tried to think of any possible way to get out of this bullshit. All that came to mind was, "Fuck!"
"It's okay, man. I'm sure the town will be glad to see you back; especially the sheriff. He won’t have to do any more legwork to protect the people."
The town.
By myself.
With those people.
"Fuck it. Sign me up. I'm in. I could use some more action, anyway. My back is feeling all better already. My nuts, on the other han-"
"Great! Then it's settled!" Carolina cut me off. "Let's get this show on the road."
"Not so fast," I said. "I'll need a little bit of recovery, of course. I say we kick it here for the night. Kyle and I can go hunting and then we’ll just rest up tonight while we have a house in which to do so. It’ll sure as hell beat spending another night on that cold ass ground outside, again."
"Alright," said Carolina, “but you rest up, Peter. Evelyn here will help to take care of you. I haven't been hunting since this all took off, anyway. I could use the trip, if you don't mind."
No. Way. Me and Evelyn left all alone? This just may be too good to be true.
"If you insist, but it's no trouble, really," I offered.
"No way, boy-o. It's my turn," she said.
She took my rifle out of my hands. I didn't like that one little bit.
"Kyle, do you want to leave us your pistol? That way everyone can be armed. You know. Just in case."
"Good thinking, bro." Kyle reached into his waistband and pulled it out. He removed the magazine and checked the chamber. It was clear. He then handed over the pistol and the magazine.
"Have fun," shouted Evelyn to her mom, who was already halfway out the door.
"Hurry up, Kyle!" Carolina called out.
"You guys stay here. You should be pretty safe. We'll be
back before too long." He shut the door, being halfway dragged
&n
bsp; out.
I tried to keep a straight face. "I'm sorry if this is a
little uncomfortable for you. The last time we were alone together it was under slightly different circumstances."
"You mean because you have your pants on this time?" Evelyn joked.
"So, you noticed too, huh? Well, if you like, I can change that."
"Calm down there, stud. You've already been blown once today."
"I don't think that being blown up quite counts."
"Sure it does." She smiled at me. "I have a question."
"Fire away."
"Are you always like this?"
"No, I usually try my very best not to get blown up."
Evelyn chuckled. "No, I mean that. You’re always such a smart ass. It seems like you've got something funny to say about every situation."
"Oh, that. Uh . . . Yeah. That's how I've been ever since I was young. It's a gift and a curse. It's gotten me in trouble so many times. Especially in the Marines, just ask Kyle. I guess I'm kind of unique that way. Most people have to try pretty hard to make someone laugh. But my first thought is always 'what would put a smile on this person’s face?' I don't even think about it anymore, really. It's just a gut reaction. In fact, I have to actively try to be serious when the time calls for it. And, of course, lately the person that is laughing hardest is me. I guess that not everyone shares my sense of humor."
"That is unusual. Maybe you have some kind of brain defect," she suggested, smiling.
"I can only imagine. It's probably terminal. You'd better enjoy me while I'm still around."
"I feel like your brain will eventually be the death of you one way or another, Mr. Zombie Slayer."
"You know something? That has a slightly better ring to it than POW. I may now be reconsidering an unofficial nickname change."
"I’m not so sure about that anymore, actually. I think POW might be more fitting, now. That explosion knocked you on your ass, and I don't know what you may or may not remember, but that caused one hell of a POW!"
"Well, shit. That is pretty badass. But I don't really want to be called POW. It sounds really lame," I said.
POW! (Book 1): The Zombie Days Page 4
