Wives & Mothers

by Jeanne Whitmee

  Elaine smiled, touched by Zoe’s warm welcome. ‘I saw Tom in town this morning. He invited us to the party. He said he would keep it as a surprise.’

  ‘Well, it’s certainly that all right.’ Zoe laughed her deep throaty laugh. ‘And it couldn’t be a more pleasant one. Just wait till Red sees you. We’ve heard news of you from time to time through Morgan.’

  ‘Morgan?’ Elaine asked in surprise.

  Zoe nodded. ‘Yes. He always pops in to see us when he’s over for a visit with your mother. He really has done well, hasn’t he?’

  Elaine was silent. She felt guilty. Even Morgan had kept in touch with the Carnes. But then, he didn’t have her memories, did he?’

  ‘And this is your little girl.’ Zoe bent to frame Tricia’s face with her hands. ‘Oh, she’s quite lovely. You must let me do a head of her for you. She has the most perfect bone structure.’ She took Tricia’s hand. ‘Come and meet everyone, though I’m sure you know most of them.’

  The lights were muted in the large living room and at first it was hard to make out who was there. Then Elaine saw Alison. She stood in the opposite corner, talking to Toby Fisher, who had been one of the Carnes’ tenants when he was an undergraduate. During the next few minutes she learned that Toby was now a successful solicitor, practising in Manchester, but that he was in Cambridge for a weekend seminar. She also met several other old acquaintences. Someone put a drink into her hand and soon she found herself relaxing and beginning to enjoy herself, happily reminiscing about old times.

  While they were talking Zoe had taken Tricia off to another room where a group of children were playing separately. Elaine noticed with some satisfaction that she went quite happily. Alison laughed as she watched her go, chatting amiably to Zoe.

  ‘She’s not shy, is she?’

  ‘No. She can’t wait to go off to her new school,’ Elaine said. ‘Of course, I’m very glad,’ She sipped her drink and looked around. ‘I haven’t seen Tom or Red anywhere. Where are they?’

  ‘Getting the barn show ready,’ Alison said. ‘And actually I think they’re ready for us to go over. I can see Zoe making signals over there for someone to turn the music off.’

  Tricia was enchanted with the barn theatre. She sat with her mother and Alison in the cushioned seat at the back known as the Royal Box. From the moment the miniature velvet curtains parted she sat enthralled, her round blue eyes fixed on the stage where the marionettes played out their magical fantasy. After the final curtain Red appeared with the customary flourish of his cloak. He thanked them all for being such a good audience, then held out his hand and asked for a round of applause for his team as they stepped out from behind the curtain to join him.

  Elaine looked down at Tricia who was clapping enthusiastically.

  ‘Did you enjoy it darling?’

  ‘Yes, it was lovely.’ Tricia smiled up at her happily. Elaine turned her eyes once more to the front. Then she saw him and her heart seemed to freeze. Standing between his mother and Tom was Patrick. He was a little heavier — broader of shoulder; more mature. The blond hair had darkened to a deep honey colour and his skin was tanned a rich gold from a recent trip abroad. Apart from that he looked just as she remembered as he stood there smiling at the applause.

  It was almost as though she had no part in what was happening, as though she were dreaming or seeing it all from afar. So often, lying awake at night, she had wondered what her reaction would be if she were to see him again. No day had passed in the last seven years that she had not thought of him. But sometimes she told herself that she had built a romantic image, that the man who haunted her memory had never really existed. Surely he could not have been so attractive — so desirable? She was an adult now. Not the starry-eyed teenager she had been then. Surely after all this time he could never again have the power to lay siege to her heart as he had when she was seventeen.

  But now, as she sat there in the hot, cramped little theatre, with Patrick’s child at her side, she knew the answers to all these. Knew them as certainly as she knew her own name.

  Chapter Seventeen

  Just for a moment she was filled with a wild panic. I must get out of here — go before he sees me. She looked around for some way she could escape without being noticed and knew it was impossible.

  ‘Mummy, you’re not listening.’

  Elaine took a deep breath to steady the thudding of her heart and brought the focus of her attention to the child sitting beside her. ‘Sorry, darling. What did you say?’

  ‘I said, can I go?’

  ‘Go where?’

  Tricia sighed. ‘I said you weren’t listening. Mr Carne and Tom are going to show us the puppets and how they work.’

  ‘Oh — yes, of course you can go.’ She watched as Tricia scrambled down from her seat and followed the other children to the curtained backstage area. Alison looked at her.

  ‘Are you all right?’

  ‘Yes — yes, of course I am.’

  ‘Well, you don’t look it. You’ve gone as white as a sheet.’

  ‘I’m fine. It’s warm in here that’s all. You go back to the house with the others. I’ll wait here for Tricia.’

  ‘You’re sure you’re all right?’

  ‘I’ve told you, haven’t I? I’m fine.’ Elaine bit her lip. ‘Sorry, I didn’t mean to snap.’

  Alison grinned at her good-naturedly and gave her arm a squeeze. ‘Okay. You know best.’ She got up and made her way out of the barn with the other guests.

  Elaine sat watching dazedly as they all filtered out through the narrow door. Patrick was nowhere to be seen now and she was relieved. It gave her time to gather her thoughts. Then, as the last of the guests disappeared through the door he came out from the backstage area and came towards her with a smile.

  ‘It’s good to see you, Elaine. I didn’t know you were coming.’ Suddenly she thought she knew why Tom had invited her tonight — and why he had said he’d keep it as a surprise.

  ‘It’s good to see you too,’ she said shakily.

  ‘How are you?’

  ‘I’m fine — and you?’

  ‘Great.’ He smiled the smile she remembered so well and her heart gave a painful flip.

  She swallowed hard. ‘I hear you’re married. Congratulations.’ ‘Thanks — to you too. Look, I’m dying to hear all your news. Shall we go back to the house and get a drink? I could do with one after being cooped up in there.’

  ‘It must have felt like old times, helping with the show.’

  ‘It did: hot, stuffy and frenetic.’ He laughed. ‘It’s ages since I helped out with a barn show. I don’t get home very often.’ He nodded towards the door. ‘Shall we go?’

  She looked uncertain. ‘Tricia — my little girl is in there.’

  He laughed. ‘Don’t worry. Tom will look after her. He loves kids. Teaching really suits him. I keep telling him he should get married and have a brood of his own.’

  They walked back across the yard to the house and Patrick got them both a drink. Handing her the glass he said: ‘Right, now you can tell me all your news.’

  She shrugged. ‘There’s nothing much to tell. I daresay you’re the one with the interesting life.’

  ‘Not as interesting as I’d like it to be.’

  ‘We could all say that.’

  He looked at her over the rim of his glass. ‘You’re the first of us to become a parent. That’s interesting for starters. Tom introduced me to your daughter. She’s lovely. Zoe is very taken with her.’

  ‘Thank you.’

  ‘She looks like you.’

  Elaine shook her head impatiently. Her nerves were stretched to snapping point. Just how long could she stand here making polite small talk about the child they had created together? ‘She isn’t at all like me, Patrick.’ She looked at her watch. ‘And I think perhaps I should take her home now. It’s way past her bedtime.’ She made to move but his hand reached out and took her arm firmly.

  ‘I’ve obviously said something to
upset you. I don’t know what, but I’m sorry. Look, Elaine, you don’t really have to go. Your daughter is enjoying herself and it isn’t all that late. Am I embarrassing you, is that it? Do you want to leave because of me?’

  She swallowed hard. ‘No, of course not. Why should you embarrass me?’

  ‘I wish I knew.’ Someone passing jogged his elbow and he almost spilled his drink. ‘Look, we can’t talk here. Let’s find a quiet corner somewhere. We’ve got an awful lot of catching up to do. Wait here a minute. I’ll be back.’ He disappeared into the crowd and Elaine stood sipping her drink and wondering what to do. Everything in her that was still sane was telling her to leave now, to find Tricia and run, but her feet refused to move. It was as though she were rooted to the spot. Go now. In a minute he’ll come back and it will be too late, her head told her. She half turned. She would find Tricia and...

  ‘Here, grab one of these.’

  She turned back to see Patrick struggling with two plates of food. He had a bottle of wine tucked perilously under one arm. Very carefully she took one of the plates and followed as he led the way.

  ‘Where are we going?’

  ‘Upstairs,’ he said over his shoulder. ‘Somewhere where we can hear ourselves think.’

  Patrick’s old room at the top of the house hadn’t changed much. A new wardrobe stood where the bookcase had once been and the room now boasted two armchairs. He pulled a small table up between them and put down the bottle of wine. Then he went over to the record player and put on a record. A moment later the haunting melody of ‘Clouds’ filled the room. Patrick smiled at her.

  ‘Remember this one? It used to make you cry.’

  She nodded. ‘I remember.’

  ‘Have a seat,’ he invited. ‘At least we can talk uninterrupted in here.’ He looked at her hesitant expression and amusement tugged at the corners of his mouth. ‘Am I compromising you, Mrs Kingston? Would you like me to leave the door open?’

  She blushed. ‘Of course not. I might be a headmaster’s wife but I haven’t become as stuffy and conventional as that.’

  He poured the wine, looking at her speculatively as he did so. ‘I’m not so sure. There’s a certain settled look about you. Maybe it comes with motherhood.’

  The remark stung her, even though she knew he was joking. She swallowed the hurt and said: ‘Patrick, before we go any further I have a confession to make.’

  ‘Really? What can you have done? I can’t wait to hear it.’

  ‘I’m serious. Remember the picture you gave me — the Severini? I sold it.’

  ‘I know.’

  ‘You know? Oh, I suppose Red told you?’

  ‘He told me you’d been to him with a Severini painting — and that he’d been able to dispose of it successfully for you. I didn’t tell him I gave it to you.’

  ‘Were you angry?’

  ‘Angry? Why should I be angry? I gave the picture to you. It was yours to do as you liked with.’

  ‘I needed the money to finance the business Alison and I are starting. I wanted to be independent.’

  He smiled. ‘Fine. I’m all for that. Good luck to you both.’ He refilled her glass. ‘Now — tell me about this husband of yours. Are you happy?’

  She frowned. ‘I’m surprised you have to ask. You seem to know so much about me already.’

  ‘I see Morgan Owen from time to time.’ He sipped his wine thoughtfully, turning the glass in his hand. ‘The firm I’m with handles the advertising for the designers he works with. I heard from him that you were married.’ He raised an enquiring eyebrow at her. ‘But you haven’t answered my question. Are you happy?’ She avoided his eyes. ‘Naturally. Are you?’

  He lifted his shoulders. ‘If Cathy and I saw more of each other, I might be able to answer that. As it is, with her away on tour so much and me stuck in a nine-to-five job in London, the marriage hasn’t had much of a chance as yet.’

  ‘You must miss her.’

  ‘Yes.’ He looked at her. ‘I’ve missed you too, Elaine.’ He said the words so softly that just at first she wasn’t sure that she’d heard him right. ‘When I first went to France, I hated it. I was actually homesick, would you believe? That was something totally unexpected. I missed all my friends, Tom and the folks, but most of all — I missed you.’

  She looked up at him, her heart squeezed so tightly in her chest that she could hardly breathe. ‘You could have written,’ she whispered.

  He shook his head. ‘No. It wouldn’t have been fair. You had to be allowed to live your own life.’

  ‘But you could have asked me — given me the choice.’

  He smiled gently. ‘You were so young. You didn’t know what you wanted in those days, love. You only thought you did.’

  ‘And you knew better? You thought you’d make up my mind for me, did you?’ She heard her voice shaking as she rose to her feet, her heart thumping painfully in her breast. Suddenly she was so angry that she wanted to scream and it was only with a real effort that she kept her voice level as she said: ‘You’ll never know what you did to me, Patrick — walking out of my life like that? Did you think about it at all? Did you even care? No. Until you felt homesick you never even gave it a thought, did you?’ Her face was pale and her eyes looked huge and luminous. She made an impulsive move towards the door but he reached out to grasp her arm.

  ‘Don’t go, Elaine. Not like that. I really didn’t know you felt so deeply. 1 thought it was just a teenage crush — that you’d soon get over it.’

  She swung round to face him. ‘Don’t insult me by lying. Patrick. You were bored. You couldn’t wait to get away — to France and to Anne-Marie or whatever her name was.’

  He held on to her arm, looking down into her eyes. ‘Elaine, it’s all so long ago. You can’t still be angry about it after all this time.’

  She shook her arm free of his grasp, trying hard to control the tears that tore agonisingly at her throat. ‘I wish I hadn’t come tonight,’ she said thickly. ‘I wish we hadn’t met again. I wish it with all my heart.’

  ‘You don’t mean that.’ He drew her towards him, cupping her chin with his other hand. ‘Elaine, you don’t really mean that, do you?’ For a long moment he looked into her eyes, seeing the hurt she had hidden from everyone for so long. ‘Oh, Elaine,’ he murmured. ‘Oh, my love, I didn’t know, I promise you. I thought it was all just fun — learning about life. I never guessed.’ He drew her close, encircling her with his arms, one hand cradling her head. ‘I did love you, you know,’ he said softly. ‘In my way. It was just that we both had so much living to do. We needed to get out into the world and try our wings.’ He tipped up her chin to look into her face and saw that her cheeks were wet with tears. He felt his own chest constrict as he bent his head to kiss them away. His lips brushed her eyelids, her cheeks — finally they found her mouth. For a moment he held its tremulous softness with his lips, then, as he felt her lips part for him he crushed her close, kissing her with all the passion and hunger she remembered so well; as she had longed to be kissed all these years — as no one but Patrick had ever kissed her, either before or since.

  The depth of their passion left them both shaken. When they drew apart Elaine stood for a moment within the circle of his arms, her head against his chest and her heart aching as he held her close.

  ‘I should go,’ she said at last, her lips moving against his neck. ‘It must be getting late. I must go, Patrick.’ She began to push him gently away.

  He dropped his arms to his sides but his eyes did not release her. ‘I’ll be at home for another couple of days. Can we meet?’

  ‘I don’t think so.’

  He took a step towards her. ‘We must. We have to talk.’

  ‘There isn’t anything to say.’ Her voice shook and she turned away, tearing her eyes from his, her hand on the door. ‘It’s all too late, Patrick. Nothing can alter that — nothing can change the way things are.’

  He crossed the room and took her hand, turning her back towards hi
m. ‘You’re wrong. I want to — to understand what it was we threw away... Please, Elaine. We can’t just leave it at this.’

  We could. We must, she wanted to say. But she couldn’t find sufficient strength to say the words, let alone mean them. She pulled the door open and stepped through, then she turned to look back at him. ‘Ring me if you like,’ she heard herself say. ‘Tomorrow morning. The number’s in the book.’

  *

  Elaine slept late the following morning. When she woke the memory of what had happened the previous evening sprang instantly into her mind and she lay there, thinking, her mind in turmoil. Why had she asked Patrick to ring her? It was madness. All it could bring her was more unhappiness. Maybe he would see that too in the clear light of day. Perhaps after all he would let it go and not ring. But half of her — the half she despised and tried so hard to ignore — hoped that he would.

  She got up and showered. She had promised to have tea with her mother that afternoon. Tricia wanted to take her new school uniform to show her. She was standing in front of the wardrobe, wondering what to wear when the telephone beside her bed rang, startling her. She snatched up the receiver quickly.

  ‘Hello?’

  ‘Elaine. It’s me.’

  She sank down on the bed, the receiver cradled in both hands. ‘Patrick. Look — maybe this wasn’t a good idea after all. I...’

  ‘I’ll pick you up at twelve,’ he interrupted. ‘Just tell me where.’

  ‘No, I can’t. I have to go to my mother’s this afternoon.’

  ‘That’s all right. I’ll see that you’re back in time for that. We’ll have lunch at a place I know. You needn’t worry. It’s off the beaten track.’

  ‘Well — I don’t know...’

  ‘I can’t go back to London without seeing you again. Drive out to Little Hinton. Do you know how to get there?’

  ‘Yes, but I...’

  ‘I’ll meet you at the pub on the green — The Queen’s Head. Twelve o’clock in the car park. Right?’

  ‘Well, all right.’ Before she had time to think clearly about what she was doing he had rung off. She sat there on the bed for a long while, staring at the telephone, wondering just what she had started. Then suddenly she remembered that she had promised to take Tricia to church this morning. There was a special service to celebrate the school’s anniversary. She couldn’t ask Mary to take her.