Wives & Mothers

by Jeanne Whitmee

  *

  When Elaine went to collect Tricia from her mother’s house she found the two of them in the middle of a game of Ludo. Tricia looked up in dismay.

  ‘Oh, Mummy, it can’t be time to go home yet. Can’t I stay the night?’ she begged.

  ‘Well...’ Elaine looked doubtful.

  ‘Oh, please let me, Mummy. Granny says we could have breakfast in the garden and then go down to the river and feed the swans. They’ve got some babies and they’re ever so sweet.’

  Elaine looked at her mother and saw the mute appeal in her eyes. She knew that Grace was often lonely at weekends and felt guilty about it, but she couldn’t invite her to the house with Mary there. The two hadn’t spoken since Morgan had insisted on repaying Mary’s loan.’

  She laughed. ‘I get the feeling this is a conspiracy. You’re ganging up on me. Mum, are you sure she isn’t too much trouble?’

  Grace looked at her reprovingly. ‘How can you ask me that? She’ll be off to school in a couple of weeks’ time and then I shan’t see her for ages. Let her stay.’

  Elaine laughed. ‘All right then, if you’re sure.’

  ‘I’m sure. Now — you’ll stay for a cup of tea, won’t you?’ Grace asked. ‘I’m dying to hear all about the wedding.’

  *

  It was nine o’clock by the time Elaine got home. The house was quiet as she let herself in. Upstairs, as she changed out of her wedding outfit, she heard Mary’s radio playing in her room. She was listening to the Saturday night play — obviously having an early night. That at least was a relief. Downstairs she found the living room empty. She crossed the hall and looked into Paul’s study. He was working at his desk.

  ‘Hello, I’m home. Tricia is staying the night at Mum’s. Did you have the cold meal I left out for you?’

  ‘Yes.’ He didn’t look up.

  ‘Your mother having an early night, is she?’

  ‘As far as I know.’ She turned to go out of the room when he suddenly laid down his pen and said brusquely: ‘Elaine, come in and close the door. I want to talk to you.’

  Something in his tone made her hesitate. Closing the door carefully she turned to look at him. ‘What is it? Is something wrong?’ He stood up and came round the desk. ‘I’m going to ask you something. I’ll ask you just this once and I want you to answer truthfully.’

  ‘Yes?’

  He paused. ‘Is Patricia my child?’

  Her heart missed a beat and it was as though something cold and heavy had replaced her stomach. ‘Your child? She...’

  He shook his head, holding up his hand as though warding her off. ‘Don’t try to fob me off with platitudes. My natural child, I mean.’ His face was white and pinched, his eyes cold and almost colourless as he came towards her. ‘You tricked me, didn’t you? Admit it.’

  She backed away. She’d never seen him this angry before. ‘Paul — listen — I...’

  ‘Don’t insult my intelligence by making up feeble excuses. Just answer me, yes or no. Am I Patricia’s natural father?’

  He was facing her now, no more than a couple of feet away, and she could see that he meant it when he said he wanted the truth. In spite of the thudding of her heart, she met his eyes.

  ‘No, Paul. You’re not. And I admit I should have told you at the time, but if you’ll only listen I’ll...’ She got not further. Raising his hand he slapped her hard on either cheek, first with the flat of his hand, then with the back of it. ‘Whore!’ He breathed the word venomously, his eyes glittering with fury. ‘All the cheap innuendoes I’ve put up with from you, when all the time you were nothing but a dirty cheating little whore. All these years you’ve let me believe...’

  ‘You would have believed anything,’ she said, stung into retaliation. ‘Don’t be a hypocrite, Paul. You needed a wife quickly — or at least a woman to play the role of wife. You asked me and I said yes. Our marriage was a matter of convenience, as much to you as to me, so don’t pretend it wasn’t. I didn’t do all the cheating. And if you think I haven’t paid for my deception, you’re wrong. I’ve had almost eight years of emptiness. A travesty of a marriage.’ She turned away from his. ‘I’ll pack and leave tomorrow.’ But he caught her arm and pulled her round to face him again.

  ‘Oh no you won’t. You’re married to me and that’s the way it’s going to stay.’

  ‘And if I don’t want to stay?’ She stared up at him, her eyes dark with dislike.

  ‘You’ll still stay. And I’ll tell you why. You’ll want to keep your good name now that you’ve started this so called business of yours. An unsavoury scandal and a broken marriage would hardly be the kind of publicity to set you on your feet, would it?’

  ‘I daresay we’d live it down. We’re not living in the dark ages now, Paul.’

  His mouth twisted with cynical triumph as he played his trump card. ‘Perhaps not. Perhaps you’re thick-skinned enough to brazen it out as you say. But you’re forgetting something. If I divorced you on the grounds that you deceived me into thinking I was the father of another man’s child, I could hardly be expected to pay maintenance, could I? That would be the end of the expensive musical education you’re looking forward to giving her. It would also be the end of your child’s name too. Because I’d insist that she no longer bore mine.’ Elaine’s heart plummeted as they stared at each other for a long, breathless minute.

  ‘Well, what is it to be?’ he challenged. ‘Either have your lies rebound on your daughter — have her name and yours dragged through the courts and the newspapers — or stay here, carry on the charade you’ve been living.’ He pushed his face close to hers. ‘You’ve managed to bring it off with praiseworthy aplomb for the past eight years, so it shouldn’t be too difficult to continue, should it?’

  Chapter Nineteen

  For Elaine, the worst part was not being able to talk to anyone. Apart from Paul no one else knew the truth about Tricia’s parentage. Thinking about it, she felt that Paul must have had his suspicions all along. At the time of their marriage she had been young and naive. She had taken things at face value, assuming that as he never questioned it, Paul believed the child was his. But he was older and more mature. Surely he must have wondered about Tricia’s early birth? The strange thing was, why had he waited eight years to mention it? What had triggered off his sudden demand for the truth that night? Perhaps he was afraid of her impending independence — looking for a sure way to hold her. Because he still needed her to play the role of headmaster’s wife, to bolster his public image, if nothing else.

  In one way it was a relief to have it out in the open. Lying in bed that night she had asked herself if Paul could have been bluffing. If she were to leave, would he really do as he threatened? St Jasper’s was an old-fashioned school. A scandal would damage his career too. She had faced him with this the following day, but he had laughed in her face.

  ‘I’d simply leave the country,’ he told her. ‘Get a job abroad. So don’t think you can hold that over my head.’

  The days that followed were tense and difficult. She had tried hard to put on a show for Tricia’s sake, but it hadn’t been easy. Just a few more days and she would have gone to her new school. After that Elaine would work out what must be done.

  *

  It was halfway through the week when she went to see Zoe. Tricia had gone to Miss Hazel’s for her final music lesson and Elaine had dropped in at the Carnes’ house on the way back. She found Zoe busy at work in her studio, the house empty for once. Welcoming her warmly, Zoe invited her into the studio and put the kettle on for coffee.

  ‘I hope I’m not disturbing you,’ Elaine said.

  ‘You know me, always glad of an excuse to knock off for coffee.’

  Zoe took the head of Tricia out of the cupboard where it had been drying and placed it on the table between them. ‘There, it’s finished, and I must say I’m rather pleased with it. Is there any particular medium you want me to cast it in, or will you leave it to me?’ She turned her head round slowly.
‘Well, do you like it?’ Elaine caught her breath. ‘Oh, Zoe, it’s beautiful. And I’m happy to leave the final choice to you.’

  ‘I think it lends itself to something pale and light. If you’re happy to leave it with me, I think I know just the material.’

  Elaine reached out one finger and gently touched the face of the model. ‘It’s uncanny. I could almost believe it’s really her. It’ll be lovely to have when she’s gone.’ Suddenly her voice broke and her eyes filled with tears. ‘Oh, Zoe, I’m going to miss her so.’

  ‘When does she go?’

  ‘At the weekend.’ Elaine swallowed hard and fumbled in her bag for her handkerchief. ‘Sorry. You must think me horribly sentimental.’

  ‘Not a bit of it,’ Zoe said gruffly. ‘I wept buckets when the boys left home for the first time — made sure no one saw me doing it, but nevertheless...’ She peered at Elaine as she spooned instant coffee into two mugs. ‘People think I’m a hard nut. I’m not really, you know.’

  Elaine smiled. ‘I know.’

  ‘It’s a bit more than just Tricia though, isn’t it? You’re looking distinctly peaky.’ She put a mug of coffee down in front of Elaine. ‘Tell me to mind my own bloody business if you like, but if you want to talk about it, I’ve got a broad shoulder...’ She smiled ruefully. ‘And a narrow mouth — if that bothers you.’

  Elaine laughed shakily as she put away her handkerchief. ‘Thanks, Zoe. I know you’re discreet.’ She took a deep breath. ‘It’s just that things are — well — difficult between Paul and me.’

  ‘I thought as much. Is it serious?’

  ‘Oh, I daresay we’ll sort it out — in time.’

  ‘That doesn’t answer my question.’

  Elaine sighed. She might have known there was no fooling Zoe. There was no one she could talk to about the real cause of the trouble between them. Her mother would be profoundly shocked; Alison was somehow too close, and besides, she had trouble enough of her own. Pouring out as much as she dared to Zoe was overwhelmingly tempting.

  ‘I suppose the real trouble is that I should never have married Paul,’ she said.

  ‘So why did you? You were very young. You had your whole life before you.’ Zoe sipped her coffee thoughtfully. ‘Could it have had anything to do with Patrick?’

  Elaine looked up sharply, but the older woman’s face revealed nothing. ‘I did love Patrick. You knew that, of course. When he went away to France I was — I thought I was heartbroken. Paul came along...’

  ‘And you married him under pressure from both mothers,’ Zoe said gently. ‘And for all the wrong reasons?’

  Once more Elaine searched Zoe’s face but found it impassive. She sighed. ‘That’s about it. Everyone seemed to want it. I knew that Paul needed a wife to get the job he was after but, to be fair, he did seem fond of me — at the time.’ She sighed. ‘Perhaps it’s my fault. Perhaps I’ve never really tried hard enough to make it work. It wasn’t too bad at the beginning.’

  ‘“Not too bad” isn’t enough to make a good and lasting marriage though, is it?’ Zoe looked at her. ‘Elaine, do you want to tell me the truth?’

  Their eyes met across the exquisite head of Tricia, and for the first time the relationship between the three of them struck Elaine. She opened her mouth.

  ‘Tricia’s...’ she began — then changed her mind. Telling Zoe would open up a whole set of new complications. It would be putting unfair responsibilities on her. In spite of her promise to keep Elaine’s confidence, she might feel obliged to tell Patrick. Elaine shook her head.

  ‘Oh, I don’t know. I’d like to leave Paul. I’m so tired of everything — living in the same house as his mother; putting up with her interference; keeping house for two people who often seem positively to dislike me; never having a real home of my own. I can’t let Tricia see how I feel, though she’s growing up fast — she must feel the tension. I can’t tell my mother. She’d only worry over something she couldn’t help with. Oh, Zoe, I just don’t know what to do.’

  Privately, Zoe felt that most women would have walked out long ago. But then most women didn’t have Grace Wendover with her Victorian values for a mother. Grace, nice, hard-working woman though she was, was most probably at the root of Elaine’s trouble, in her opinion.

  ‘Why don’t you go away for a while?’ she suggested. ‘Right away, I mean?’

  Elaine sighed. ‘It sounds bliss.’

  ‘Morgan would let you have his place in Davos. Red and I went over for a few days soon after he bought it. It’s beautiful, Elaine. So peaceful. It might help you to get things into perspective.’

  ‘He did offer to let me go there.’

  ‘Then what are you waiting for? Ring him — take up the offer. Go as soon as Tricia’s settled in her new school. And go alone. Give yourself some space — some time to think, where you won’t be influenced by anyone else.’ She reached across the table to lay a hand on Elaine’s arm. ‘Do it, love,’ she urged. ‘You owe it to yourself. Do it before you make yourself ill.’

  *

  When the weekend arrived Paul announced that he was too busy to accompany Elaine and Tricia to St Cecilia’s. Elaine was relieved. She’d been dreading the journey home closeted in the car alone with Paul.

  Tricia chattered excitedly all the way there. They stopped off for lunch as a special treat at a motorway restaurant and as she picked unenthusiastically at a sandwich, Elaine watched as her daughter demolished burgers, beans and chips, followed by a double banana split.

  At the school Tricia renewed her acquaintance with the friends she had made at her interview and Elaine was relieved to see that she had no anxieties about being left. It was only when the time came for them to say goodbye that she gave any indication of emotion. Hugging her mother fiercely she whispered: ‘Will you be all right, Mummy?’

  Swallowing the lump in her throat, Elaine said, ‘Of course I will, darling. Just you settle down and enjoy it all. And don’t forget to write, will you?’

  ‘We’re only allowed to write one letter a week,’ Tricia said solemnly. ‘But I’ll write a little bit every night after music practice, then it’ll be a nice long letter.’

  ‘Lovely. I’ll do the same,’ Elaine promised. A quick last hug and Tricia, apparently reassured, waved her mother off happily.

  Elaine stopped at the first filling station she came to. While the car was being filled with petrol she went into the forecourt phone booth and dialled Morgan’s number. As she waited for him to answer her heart was beating fast.

  ‘Morgan?’ She quickly inserted her money as she heard his voice. ‘It’s Elaine.’

  ‘Hello. Nice to hear from you.’

  ‘I’ve just taken Tricia to her new school.’

  ‘Quite a milestone. Feeling a bit down?’

  It was just the lead she required. ‘That would be an understatement. Right at this moment it feels like the end of the world. Morgan — you remember you offered me your Swiss chalet a while ago?’

  ‘Of course I remember. Any time you like.’

  ‘I’d like to go now — well, soon, if that’s all right. As soon as I’m happy that Tricia is settled.’

  ‘Fine. Just ring and let me have the date and I’ll lay it on for you. There’s a local couple who look after things for me at that end. They’ll open up and see that everything’s ready.’ He paused. ‘Will Paul be going with you?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘I see.’

  ‘I need some time to myself, Morgan. Things are — well, difficult.’

  ‘Do you want to talk?’

  ‘Not at the moment. Maybe later.’

  ‘Are you sure going off to Davos is the answer?’ He sounded concerned. ‘All alone — in a strange place?’

  ‘I’m sure, Morgan. Really. I need some time and space to work things out for myself. It’s important to be on my own for a while.’ She tried to sound positive and in charge, and she must have succeeded because he sounded reassured.

  ‘Okay then. You know best.
Just ring and give me your date. I’ll meet your train and drive you to the airport. I take it you’ll let me do that?’

  He sounded slightly whimsical and she laughed. ‘Thanks, Morgan. I’d be grateful if you would. Thanks - for everything.’

  When she got back into the car she felt much better. She’d done something positive — made the first step. The first step towards just what, she would work out later.

  She told Alison first. She’d worried about taking time off just when they were getting their business under way, but she needn’t have done. Alison was delighted.

  ‘Great. Just what you need. You’ve been looking really tired lately. Are you sure you’re all right?’

  ‘I’m fine — just missing Tricia, that’s all. I hate leaving you with everything.’

  Alison laughed. ‘You’re only going for a few days and our next wedding is months away. I think I can just about cope without you. Don’t start getting the idea you’re indispensable. Look, if it’ll make you feel any better, you can make enquiries about Swiss laces and anything else that takes your fancy while you’re there. Try and do some deals. It’ll help you to shift gear from motherhood to business woman.’

  The idea appealed to Elaine. It would give her a legitimate reason for going — and a definite purpose when she got there. And it was this reason that she gave to her mother. Grace was pleased.

  ‘I’d come with you, only I’m expecting Morgan’s accountant up to go through the books with me.’ She smiled. ‘Maybe we can go again together in the holidays — when Tricia can come too.’

  ‘Yes, Mum. Maybe we can.’ She longed to tell her mother everything, but it was impossible. Grace would never understand. They were close and yet there were so many secrets, so many differences, between them. Better to leave things as they were.