“That there is purported to be the fastest train around, Officer O’Hagan. I don’t think there’s any way to catch her but with another train outta of this yard, but we gotta make it pronto.”
“That heinous VooDoo fireball blew up fifty feet of railroad berm and track, Ickety. Repairs will take...”
“Excuse me, Officer, this discussion is cutting into valuable repair time. Valuable human resources are about to wander away if I do not take advantage of the situation immediately.”
“Howdy folks!”
“Hey there you all wakin’ up from your crazy, queasy, quasi-zombie army trance, how about helping us get this track fixed? That fella what put the whammy on y’all is gettin’ away. How about helping us get this mound rebuilt?”
“Aye, Ickety, ye’re right, m’lad! Get these slackers to help ye. I’ll enlist some railroad workers to bring out their prying bars, sledge hammers, and whatever other tools are readily accessible.”
“Yessir, Officer O’Hagan. I’ll form a bucket brigade to cool off those tracks that are glowing from the heat of the explosion. Come on, folks, this is an emergency! That’s it, throw them buckets of water right on the rails.”
“The rails here by the point of explosion are a total loss. We’ll move away from the crater until we find serviceable rail. Looks like these rails are still operational, but at this point they are dangerously twisted. Let’s make our separation here, on this rail. The other disengagement must come further down the line on this other rail. You fellas set to work gettin’ these rails disengaged. I’ll take a gang of men over to the other side of the crater and start disengaging the damaged rails from that...”
“I say, Mr. Temperance! What has happened?”
“Hunh!?! Miss Plumtartt! Gee, I sure am glad to see... oh, hey there, Mr. Eppington.”
“Temperance, dear fellow, how goes it?”
“Uh, oh yeah, a mean ol’ VooDoo mystic by the name of Skully Beez-zar has kidnapped a couple of friends of ours, Officer Keefer Smith and the Right Reverend Alonzo Dolomite. I think he has some insidious scheme in mind. He ran off in a fast train and destroyed the tracks behind so that we cannot chase him.”
“I say, Mr. Temperance, this would not happen to be the highly touted new ‘Coast to Coastal Express’ is it? Oh dear, I am afraid that this newly opened line allows an unbroken journey from Los Angelos in the California territories, to the United States Texas city of Galveston. This facilitates a Pacific Coast to Gulf Coast express line with no engine changes.”
“Yes, Ma’am.”
“Rotten luck, old bean.”
“Yessir, Mr. Eppington sir, but me and Officer O’Hagan ain’t having it. We’re gonna catch up that San Moniquan (wherever that is) menace and free our friends.”
“I think the best thing that Persephone and I can do to help is to stay out of the way until repairs are made. Godspeed, old boy.”
“Uh, thanks, Mr. Eppington.”
“We shall monitor your progress, Mr. Temperance. Please continue with your hasty efforts.”
“Yes, Ma’am, … Miss Plumtartt ... All right, now come on, fellas, let’s get these prybars and hammers into action!”
“Hey, we need more water buckets on this side of the crater, y’all!”
“Get the other side of the crater’s rails cooled off. As soon as we get these rails loose we’ll come over to that side.”
“Pull on that lever!”
“Press on that bar!”
“Maintain pressure on that bar while I prise the rail from the other side!”
“Now gimme a good swing on that hammer to drive this pry-bar home!”
“Put the next pry-bar here. Use that busted rail tie there for a fulcrum. Good, now let’s get a rhythm going as we alternate hammer strikes on this lever.”
“It’s working! The spikes are coming loose!”
“Disengage here! Set that prise, here. Gain some leverage off of this here chunk of lumber and get these rails sprung loose!”
“Say, that’s all right! We’ve got several teams of hammer swingers and pry-bar wranglers getting us free of the ruined rails.”
“We did it! We’re loose! Let’s get these ruined tracks out of the way!”
“Now let’s help with the other side!”
“It’s letting go! Hurray! Get that twisted beam aside!”
“We gotta rebuild this berm! We need shovels and scoops and wheelbarrows and brooms and more gravel from out of the supply!”
“You fellers go ahead and get started. We’ll have this other rail out of the way before y’all get started good.”
“The rail disengages! We’re clear!”
“We got plenty of gravel stored on site in the train yard, but only three wheel barrows.”
“Say, Casey, don’t we have a boxcar full of wheelbarrows being shipped somewhere here in the yard?”
“Yes, we do. Here it is! This here train car full of wheel barrows is hereby commandeered! Get these wheelbarrows into action, men! Build that berm!”
“We must have two hundred men and women on this project! There are a hundred folks hustling gravel to the grade with their requisitioned wheel barrows while shovel teams stand by to fill them.”
“Our grade grows! Stand by to set the wooden ties!”
“Somebody fetch a level to square us up!”
“These are lining up pretty good, let’s bring in the new rails!”
“Officer O’Hagan! Locate the fastest engine in the yard! Get her steam up and be ready when we get the last rail placed!”
“Aye! I’ll have our steel horsie ready, m’boy.”
“Good, come on y’all, here we go now! Strike! . Strike! . Strike! We gotta get these railroad spikes driven in to secure these rails!”
“That’s it, we’re getting’ ’em laid lickety split!”
“We’re good on this side, bring in another pair of rails!”
“Don’t slow down! Strike! . Strike! Get the spacing right. Go ahead and get the next pair of rails brought in!”
“That’s it! Just one more set of rails and we’re done!”
“Come on, O’Hagan, let ’er rip! We’ll have this last rail set by the time you get here!”
“Aye! Here we come, Ickety!”
tooooot!
“Woah! Hurry y’all! That train’s coming on faster than I thought it would.”
tooooot!!
“Strike! . Strike! . Strike!”
tooooot!!!
“Ickety lad! Stand aside, boy! We’re coming through!”
“Just. Strike! Gotta. Strike! Get. Strike! This. Strike! Last. Strike! Spike. Strike! Driven. St-woah! I guess you are coming through!”
“Grab me hand, Ickety! Up ye go lad! Awraw!”
“Thanks Officer O’Hagan! Gee whiz, you have got this train movin’ mighty fast already, sir.”
“Aye. Ye’ want to move forward to the engine with me to see if we can coaxe a bit more out o’ her?”
“Nossir, I’m gonna move back through the train and find Miss Plumtartt.”
“Aye, Ickety.”
“Hello, Miss Plumtartt? Are you in this train car?”
“Hunh. I guess not. I’ll try the next car.”
“Hello, Miss Plumtartt?”
“Hunh. She ain’t in this one, neither. Maybe she’ll be in the next one.”
“Miss Plumtartt?”
“Or the next.”
“Miss Plumtartt?”
“The next.”
“The next.”
“The next.”
“The last.”
“Hunh. I reckon Miss Plumtartt must not be on the train.”
“I reckon she’s still back there in Los Angelos with Mr. Eppington. That tall, handsome, witty, intelligent man she is so fond of.”
“She calls him ‘Kit’.”
“He calls her ‘Persephone’.”
“They sure seemed real happy with one another.”
“They sure did look real fine.”
“They...”
“They sure do make a nice couple.”
…
…
Chapter Nine:
Miss me at the Station
P.O.V. Miss Persephone Plumtartt
“Here we are, Persephone. Let us stay out of the way of Ichabod and his labours. Good Lord Nelson’s bunions, this rail station is as a disrupted ant-mound. I pray that you show caution, my dear, as we pick our way back through this detritus of explosion and ensuing chaos of frenzied, madcap, repairs to the track that we may assist your friends in their quest for justice.”
“Thank you Kit. I think we will be safely out of the way over here at the station-house.”
“Yes, of course my dear. How about here in the lobby?”
“Ah, thank you Kit, this will do nicely. My word, yes.”
“That Temperance fellow. He certainly is industrious.”
“You could say so, I suppose.”
“I see.”
“You see what, Kit?”
“My darling, Persephone, I have a distinct feeling that I am intruding upon a courtship between you and the little American chap.”
“Well, courtship is a rather strong term for our relationship, Kit.”
“Persephone, you are as charming as you are beautiful, but I am still able to detect a note of insincerity. I am a man of the world, my lovely girl. I have known love and I have seen love. That boy looks at you with pure adoration. I suspect that you are temporarily at odds with the fellow. Probably he has been distracted by the imaginative theory concerning some sort of ingenious device. Ah, I am able to read your expressions to the point that I know I am on the right path. My dear Persephone, I think I prefer to withdraw my offers of affection until such time as you are clear in your mind and in accordance with your sensibility.”
“Oh, Kit. As a matter of fact, you are completely correct in your summation. I did not mean to lead you astray on a journey without a destination. It is inexplicable, I know, but I am strangely smitten by that boy.”
“Quite all right, Persephone, my dear. There is no accounting for love’s strange callings. You say that you two have been traveling together, but have not actually formalized the intents of your budding romance. To this I blame shyness on his part and credit good manners on yours, Persephone.”
“Oh, am I really so transparent? The truth is, that you are completely correct on all counts, Kit.”
toooot!
“Did you hear that, Kit? It was a train whistle! The pursuit train is pulling out!”
“Nonsense, Persephone! Though your little American friend is no doubt a very capable fellow, he could not have possibly effected the needed repairs in this short amount of time!”
toooot!!
“Oh, Kit, you underestimate Mr. Temperance! Let us hurry back, for I fear that we shall miss our train!”
“Good Heavens, Persephone, you are correct! That is the pursuit train! Hurry, Persephone! Oh, drat, I don’t think we can catch it!”
toooot!!!
“Oh, Kit! The train has escaped us! What will Mr. Temperance think?”
Chapter Ten:
A Loss of Temperance
P.O.V. Ichabod Temperance
“This forty-eight hour chase is coming to a close, Ickety! We’re out of water an’ coal, baughtte we’re going to make it!”
“Yessir, Officer O’Hagan. Looks like we’re tearin’ through Houston, right now.”
“Aye, I soospect we’ll be roonin’ up the caboose o’ our quarry at any time.”
“Can we at least apply just a little bit of brakes, Officer O’Hagan? This out of control train might be construed as a public menace.”
“Perhaps joost a tad, lad, baughtte I wants to surprise our mischievous mystic unawares.”
“Aye. I mean, yessir. Oop! There’s the other train’s caboose up ahead! Let’s go ahead and apply a lotta brakes!”
“Aye!”
SKRRR-REEEEEEEEEERNNNCH!!!!
“Hang on, Ickety, we’re going to coolide!”
“Yessir!”
KAH-BOOGIE!!!
HAH-BOOGE!
HAH-BOOGE!
HAH-BOOGE!
HAH-BOOGE!
HAH-BOOGE!
HAH-BOOGE!
“Oooph. Are you okay, Officer O’Hagan?”
“Oooh, aye.”
“Dang, our poor ol’ train is all zig-zagged up, one car sideways against the next like a great big accordion.”
“Yes, Ickety, baughtte as they say, any train wreck you can crawl away from is a good train wreck. Come on, let’s hoof it before we have to answer for this little mishap.”
“Yessir! That has always been my policy.”
“Quiet. Aye, look there, me little Alabama side-kick. I see the trailing dregs of Sku Le’Bizarre’s personal posse!”
“Aye. Oops! I mean, yessir.”
“I believes them to bee making faer the docks, Ickety! We’ve got to stop them!”
“I estimate that beyond Howard C. Cross, Reverend Dolomite and our own entranced Officer Keefer Smith, that West Indian Warlock, Sku Le’Bizarre, has about twenty zombie goons left in his army. Looks like it is taking about six of ’em to handle Reverend Dolomite. Can we do it?”
“Aye! Follow me Ickety!”
Biff! Bam! Boom!
Zap! Pow! Thwok!
Bingo! Bango! Bongo!
“That’s it, Officer O’Hagan! We’ve fought our way through the mindless minions to get to the principal parties!”
“Keefer lad! Snap out of it! Why do you look at me like that? Don’t ye’ recognize me? I’m your partner. I’m the one true and loyal friend ye can always depend on. Whenever there’s trouble, I’m always within taggin’ reach, I am. Keef...”
bam.
“Officer O’Hagan! Officer Smith, what have you done? You just struck down your best friend!”
“Hah, hah, hah.”
“Quit laughing, Sku Le’Bizarre, I’m gonna fix yer little red wagon, mister!”
“Hah, hah, hah.”
skoooooooooooooshhhhhh.
“Cough, cough, gag!”
“Hah, hah, hah. How do you like the thick, choking plumes of purple smoke that issue from my ingenious cane? Hah, hah, hah! By your collapsing frame, I surmise that you do not like them very much. Adieu, you worm. The island of San Monique awaits her Master.”
“Ickety! Can ye hear me? Wake up!”
“Hunh? What happened?”
“We been clobbered, lad.”
“Where is Sku Le’Bizarre?”
“He moost have had a boat stashed away here in Galveston. Paerhaps a nice ocean going steamer.”
“That sure is a nice lump on your head your partner gave you.”
“Thanks, lad.”
“What do we do now?”
“Well, seeing how my partner has seen fit to try and split me skull with a blunt instrument, that being his great bloody fist, and yae’re being doomped by the lovely Persephone Plumtartt, I say there’s only one thing you an’ I can do.”
“What’s that, sir?”
“Git bloody droonk as a Scotsman!”
“Yessir! Oops! I mean, Aye!”
---
“Anubber bar, Othifer O’Hagoo?”
“A, -hick!- a, -hick!- a, aye!”
“Wazza nama dis wun?”
“‘The Dew Drop Out’.”
“Sounz lika winner. Lezgo.”
“It’s a dimly lit urban cave we enter, Ickety. Joost a few candles burning in red tinted glass holders saerve for illumination.”
“Dang, it sure is hazy with smoke in here.”
“Aye, I have’s tae waves the soooty autmoospheres baefore me tae makes me way through the choking, murky, morass. The clingy miasma presents a palpable resistance to me forward progress.”
“Yessir, but ain’t it funny how there is always the same omnipresent smell of old nicotine and ancient, beer-soaked carpets to welcome you to a dive like this
wherever you go?”
“Aye, ’tis a comfort of sorts, I suppose.”
“Whattayahave, boys?”
“Ah, Barkeep, bless ye me lad. I’ll bee enjoying a ’dublin Dragon Dowser’, and me green-gilled mate would like you to serve him up a nice moog o’ ‘Mississippi Mudde’; dry, shaken, not churned.”
“I’m not familiar with those, sir, how about I just sell you this bottle of whiskey and you two can both obliviate yourselves in the comfort of a boothed table.”
“Aye, a capital plan, laddie! Ah, here we are. Settle in there, Ickety. Now then, my lumpy head is still achin, so’s I propose a toast to me boomped gnoggin.”
“Shalloot.”
“Ah, thanky lad.”
“Here’s to Pip Kittington. May he make Miss Plumtartt happy, where I was such a miserable failure.”
“Sahlute.”
“Toast me gloorious goose egg sproutin’ off me forehead.”
“Aleut.”
“Lez toaze deh hap-hap-happy couple.”
“Sally’s lute.”
““Lessh toaze ...”
“Excuse mee Ickety. I must go an’ visit the little Irish copper’s room.”
“Is datta euphemism?”
“No, I’ll be back innae minute if I can find the facilities and then me way back again.”
“Good luck, Occifer.”
“Dang ol’ handsome and charming Kit Eppington. Waz he got I ain’t got? Cept, bein’ all tall, dark, and handsome? Impeccable manners, a sparkling personality and adept at charming, glib conversation? An impressive physique, brutally intelligent, and an easy, effortless suavibility? Except for all that, I could be as good as him. Dang, this drinkin’ stuff ain’t really helpin’ none. I wonder what’s a feller traditionally done to make himself feel better after something like this?”
“allo, sailuh. Evuh done duty onna heavy cruiser?”
“Wowza! Uhbuh, I means, wow-wee! No ma’am, I ain’t.”
“Would you like to?”
“Hunh?”
“Boiys me a dwink, sailuh-boy.”
“Yes, Ma’am, but I ain’t really a sailor.”
“All me boys is sailuhs, see?”
“Yes, Ma’am.”
“Wot does ye say, sailuh-boy, goin’ to buy me dat dwink?”
“How’s ‘bout a slug offa da bottle?”
The Measure of Temperance (The Adventures of Ichabod Temperance Book 6) Page 6
