“Unh!” “Aye-eeeiiiiaahh!”
“I must quickly scramble to the volcanic ledge and peer over in order to ascertain whether my sweet Ichabod still lives. Oh yes! Mr. Temperance! There you are! I thought I might find you here, desperately clinging to the barest of fingerholds along the volcanoe’s rock wall.”
“Yes, Ma’am, Miss Plumtartt, but you better not worry ’bout me none, you just go on and run for your life! I’m kinda stuck down here with Sku Le’Bizarre danglin’ from my leg.”
“Hah, hah, hah. You shall be my sacrifice, yet, you fool! Queen Tempestia awakens! The magma is rising!”
“My word, yes, so I see.”
“Run Miss Plumtartt!”
“Join us, foolish woman! It is not too late to offer yourself as sacrifice! I shall surely take this Temperance worm into the Pit with me! Hah, hah, hah! Leap into the volcanoe voluntarily, and I will release my hold on the boy. Without my grip on his leg holding my substantial weight, he might have a chance to live, but if you do not, he will surely die.”
“How am I to confirm this, if I have already perished, eh hem? Your track record of chivalrous action is rather tarnished sir. I am sorry to report that I have no confidence in your promise of good behaviour. Yes, I say, rather.”
“I swear by Queen Tempestia that I will honour my agreement!”
“Don’t you listen to him Miss Plumtartt! You know you can’t trust him! Please, Ma’am, run away!”
“My word, I think not! That would be construed a a grievous breach of character on my part, don’t you think, eh, hem?”
“But you can’t sacrifice yourself Miss Plumtartt! Tell you what, how ’bout if I just let go here from where I can’t really hold on any longer, no how, and just be done with it?”
“No, Mr. Temperance, this too I find unacceptable.”
“Join us you British babblehead, jump!”
“No, this option too, I find not to my liking. Rather, my conjecture is that you, my not-so-good mystic, will relent your hold upon Mr. Temperance when I drop this large rock I have picked up down upon you, Monsieur. The substantial stone will encourage you to release your grip on Mr. Temperance, thusly.”
-drop-
“No! Unh! Aye-eeeiiiiaahh!”
pssssssssssss-phhhiiitt!
“Run for it Miss Plumtartt! Thanks for gettin’ that mean ol’ Sku Le’Bizarre off me, but the magma is rising fast, now! Forget me, save yourself, Ma’am!”
“Nonsense, Mr. Temperance. Not without you, my little fool. Now then, if I lay out upon the ground and stretch down my hand to you, I think I can almost reach you...”
“I’m reachin,’ Miss Plumtartt!”
r-r-r-rrr-u-u-u-ummmmble...
HAH-WAH-WHOOOM!!!
pluuuuuuuh.
“Oh, dear, I say, just a bit more, my Ichabod.”
“Yes, Ma’am, Miss Plumtartt, that is, I mean, I’m tryin’ Persephone!”
“Yes, my dear, there are the first brushings of your beloved fingertips. A tenuous grip follows. This is then pursued by a solid and mutual wrist grasp. And I have you!”
“Gee whiz, thanks a lot Miss, … Miss Persephone. Now run! That lava’s hot on our trail!”
“I’m running Ichabod, but I do not think we shall be in time! The lava is rising fast within the volcanoe’s glowing pit! It shall crest the rim before we make it to the precipice path!”
“Just run, Ma’am, now jump!”
“Unh!” “Oh!”
“We made it Miss Plumtartt! Now just keep a runnin’; there ain’t no need to look back.”
“Indeed Mr. Temperance, so you say, yet I find the allure of a quick glance back, too much to resist. I say, sir, your hold upon my hand as we fly down this spiraling mountainside path is as warm as the liquid rock that is now bubbling over the rim and is pursuing us down this narrow ledge.”
“Yes, Ma’am, Miss Plumtartt. I’m sorry about my perspirin’ palms, but I am very happy to be holding your hand. It is a thrill and a relief to be in contact with you, even if we are imperiled by a tectonic tidal tsunami of liquid orange tundra. That ol’ wall of molten magma is mounting momentum, Ma’am. We need to make tracks and mush. Keep a’hold, though. This is liable to be our last seconds on Earth and I want to be holding your hand, Miss Persephone.”
“Mr. Temperance?”
“Yes, Ma’am, Miss Plumtartt?”
“What shall we do when we get to the crater in our path?”
“We’ll just have to go into it running as hard as we can and hope we make it to the other side. I think we gotta fifty/fifty chance of making it.”
“I see, any words of advice as we quickly approach this daunting obstacle?”
“Yes, Ma’am. I’ve found that in situations such as this, it is better to just do and not think.”
“I see.”
“Here we go! Jump!”
“Aaaah-
-
-
-
-Gotcha!”
“Hey! Smith, O’Hagan, Eppington, Miss Mimi Ma’am and Reverend Dolomite! You all stuck around when you shoulda been runnin’ for your lives!”
“Wot? We couldn’t vewy well wun off an’ weaves you inna jam loikes dis! Pull ’em up, boys, now is the time to flee in terror before the lava’s onslaughtte.”
r-r-r-rrr-u-u-u-ummmmble...
HAH-WAH-WHOOOM!!!
pluuuuuuuh.
~***~
“Aye, we’ve cleared the spiral trail o’ the volcanoe baughtte now lava is pour-r-ring down every side o’ the mountain, like an angry, slow moving ketchup bottle having its product shoved up out o’ it.”
“Everybody stop running! Citizens, we must choose. Do we run around the pyramid and keep fleeing through the sugar cane field dirt roads where we could very well be over-run with the onrushing lava, or, do we quickly climb the pyramid and hope the rising tide of released magma does not crest our position?”
“Great Scott, I do not think we can outrun the flaming stone. I counsel that we seek higher terrain, my chums.”
“Hear, hear!”
“Aye! Climb, climb!”
“Ah-Yes!-Ah! We have all made it to the top of this man-made little hill. Hallelujah!”
r-r-r-rrr-u-u-u-ummmmble...
HAH-WAH-WHOOOM!!!
“Woo, whee, y’all, wouldja look at that?! That last geyser of molten lava did not collapse back into the open pit with a soft ‘pluuuh’, sound. Instead, it just miraculously hangs suspended in the air. It’s not all fluidy like the other geysers, either. This one is more like a solid column of roiling rock, with a slightly bigger bunch of lava bulged up at the top.”
“Quite so, Temperance, I was about to make the same observation, old sport. Hello! Look there, the ball at the top of the liquid tower is now blossoming open. Five short branches now adorn our tecto-juiced tree.”
“I say, you gentlemen are correct. Ah, now the column slowly succumbs to gravity’s undeniable command. Strange, though, how the shaft seems to place itself along the mountainside.”
“I am witnessing the shaft grow longer in length, citizens. I mark it as strange, that the section of lava lying on the mountain’s side, rises upward again as the second section emerges. Two great sections plus the branches now lie upon the volcanoe’s side. It apparently has a different geological make-up as the normal lava, as the latter just oozes around the more solidified column.”
“Ah-Woah!-Ah! Look at those flames roaring from that pit! Just raw, fiercely burning flames as if from some Hellish blast furnace! Never could I conceive of flames as these, ah-No!-ah!”
“Another bit of solidified lava is forcing its way through the opening. That rising mound is what’s putting out the great amounts of flame! Wait, there’s a clear space without flame. Oops, now we come to two more bands of flame. The mound is still rising. Hunh. This rising dome, adorned by huge billowing piles of impossibly burning purple flames, with its clear portion turned towards us and under the two bands of flames, now two fantast
ic orbs of uncanny violet fires burn. Why do I get the impression that they are turned towards me?”
“Eep! It’s a head! Bad show, my friends, for the rest of this lavidic cranium further reveals itself to indeed be that of a humanoid head, yes, quite, so. More specifically, the head of a very large, and angry woman of living, burning, rock. The fiery Titantress is writhing to free herself from the snug confines of the massive mountaintop. Her one arm, shoulder and head are free of the mountain’s restraint. The woman is lifting her exposed, left shoulder as far as is possible. Leaning as far as she can to her left, she is now struggling to wriggle her other shoulder through the relatively small, on her scale, opening of the volcanoe’s crater.”
“Dat fiery tart is now working her elbow fwee. Scwunching her shoulduhs, she now has wiggled her other arm woose! She is now bound around the armpits boi the volcanoe, as if she is wearing some gigantic strapwess gown.”
“Just so, Miss Froust, I had the same impression. My word, what is she up to now? She is hooking her thumbs into the volcanoe’s bodice ledge, and is attempting to continue in her escape from the dress’ confines.”
ploop!ploop!
“Aye, I see our buxom Queen Tempestia has opted to go without the restraints of lingerie.”
“Is she grinning, or grimacing, y’all?”
“Oye don’t thinks it mattuhs eithuh way, Icksi.”
“EEE-AYE-rROARK!!!”
“Ah-No!-ah! I know women, and that island shaking roar signifies a gal that is nothing to play with, my gentle flock. Our position has become untenable! We must flee! Ah-Yes!-Ah!”
“The lava has the pyramid almost completely surrounded. There is just a small, narrow band of land still offering an avenue of escape formed by the obstructing pyramid.”
“My word, my friends, I do so hate to be a damper on any hopes of escape, but I do not think we can long out pace the magma’s reach.”
“Ah-Yes!-Ah! Do not worry, Persephone! I know where Sku Le’Bizarre parked his ‘DoomBuggy’! Eee-Yes!-Ah! It’s right over here!”
“Hop in everybody, I’ll have this little bug scampering for shelter lickety-split, y’all!”
“Aye, and let’s naughtte be all day about it. Naughtte only do we flee the lava’s warm baths, but our fair Queen Tempestia continues her way to liberation. With each side to side shimmy o’ our lascivious lava lady, she pulls more of her tantalizing body free from the mountain. Aye with a last little wiggle, she leans forward and with a sight, upward pelvic bounce...”
ploing-plough!
“Shae fwees ’er shapely bum, yeah, yeah, we get it. You can get this ’orrible twelve wegged contwaption unduh way at any time, Icksi. Now, pwefehwebwy.”
“I got the furnaces firin’. The springs are wound, so hang on, I’m gonna see what happens when I engage this lever.”
thump.
*
thump.
*
thump. thump.
*
thump. thump. thump.
*
thump. thump. thump.
thump.thump.thump.thump.
thump.thump.thump.thump.
thump.thump.thump.thump.
thump.thump.thump.thump.
thumpity-thumpity, thumpity-thumpity.
thumpity-thumpity, thumpity-thumpity.
thumpity-thumpity, thumpity-thumpity.
thumpuh/thumpuh/thumpuh/thumpuh/thumpuh!
thumpuh/thumpuh/thumpuh/thumpuh/thumpuh!
thumpuh/thumpuh/thumpuh/thumpuh/thumpuh!
“Yee, dauhgies! I sure ’nough managed to get this here twelve legged stompy bug up to speed, y’all!”
“Yes, indeed, quite so, Mr. Temperance. Regrettably, you do not enjoy the same success as to the steering of the vessel, eh, hem?”
“That’s all right, Miss Plumtartt, I’m gettin’ the hang of her now. She can plow through the fields without much trouble, but she’s a lot faster on the dirt roadways.”
“It cannot move fast enough right now! The woman of fire is completely free of the mountain! She is standing up! She must be a hundred feet tall! Roaring flames billow around her terribly beautiful face! She pulls her elbows back, high and wide. Arching her back while drawing breath, she heaves her magnificent magmarian attibutes to the sky and unleashes a mighty:”
“EEE-AYE-rROARK!!!”
“She sees us! She’s coming after us! Citizen Temperance, you are authorized to disregard any driving ordinances in the making of our withdrawal. This is hereby proclaimed to be an emergency vehicle.”
thumpuh/thumpuh/thumpuh/thumpuh/thumpuh!
thumpuh/thumpuh/thumpuh/thumpuh/thumpuh!
“This little buggy is running flat out, y’all.”
“Queen Tempestia is gaining on us, Ickety!”
“EEE-AYE-rROARK!!!”
“Mr. Temperance, beware! This island’s magmatic monarch is attempting to step upon us!”
staump!
“It’s no good y’all! We are an open target, out here on the pathways, so I’m gonna have to take the buggy into the cane fields.”
“Dang! These legs sure do wreck their way through these crowded fields. The many articulated joints of the replicect appendages wreak havoc with these poor ol’ cane stalks.”
“Queen Tempestia pursues us still! Bless us, Lord, for her hands and feet set fire to whatever they touch!”
“I’ve crossed several side roads, y’all. I think I’ll take the next left I come across. It should take us back to the manor house.”
“Well, done, Citizen Ichabod, you’re right. We’re going to go right past the plantation house. By the way, your driving has improved tremendously. You’ve gotten to where you are able to drive around most of the zombies.”
“Oh, wing me knickuhs, here comes Queen Tempestia. She is running roight towards the big house! She woinds ’er leg up behoind ’er an’ uncorks a whoppin’ gulliger cwearing football kick to the gweat stwucture! A huge ensuing poof explodes from where the house stood a moment before, as the expansive wooden home instantly incinerates with explosive combustion at Queen Tempestia’s infernal punt.”
“EEE-AYE-rROARK!!!”
“Don’t let up, Temperance old bean. Keep us scampering on, old fellow.”
“Do we go find our way back to the hidden pass, or go look into the Craven Cavern?”
“My word, I should vote for the Cavern as its smaller confines shall prove too restrictive by our pyro-predator.”
“I agree with Miss Plumtartt. This little buggy is makin’ for that ol’ cave.”
“EEE-AYE-rROARK!!!”
---
“I should have known that guy would end up being trouble. The first time I set eyes on Mr. Scary Face-Paint guy, I said to myself, ‘Howie, watch out for that one. He is trouble. Though, maybe it was the tinkling sound of money in a safe box with my name, Howard C. Cross, stamped across it, that obscured my better judgment. I confess! It was the sweet allure of $money$ $money$ $money$ that swept me off my feet!”
“Maybe it was my generous nature, reaching out to help my fellow man? Nah, it was the$MONEY$!”
“Who needs him! I’m a big man all on my own! I don’t need anybody else. I am fully self reliant!”
“Hmm. Let’s see. All these stupid sugar cane stalks and fields look just alike! All these stupid dirt roads look just alike, too! Is it too much trouble to put up a sign or two?Why, it is a blatant disregard for my personal safety that I am stumbling around this stupid maze. The stupid stalks are so high, I can’t figure out where the main house is.”
“What is that?! A hundred foot woman of fire is striding across my tiny slice of view of the sky between the sugar cane stalks. That is incredible! I wonder if she requires representation?”
“Well, this really is intolerable. A thick acrid smoke now fills the air. Cough, cough. More suffering that I have incurred! You’ll pay, Skullzy. Cough, cough. I must run to stay ahead of the smoke. And this stupid smoke is not making it any easier to get around out here!”
“What’s this, I see figures up ahead. I hope it’s not those troublesome, interfering young people again. Ah, good. It’s just some zombies. You there, you stupid zombies! It is I, Overseer Cross! I command you to return me to the plantation house!”
“No, you don’t have to grab at me, you just have to point out the way. Ow! Did you just try to bite me? Do you know who I am? I am Howard C. Cross, attorney of the stars! Moreover, I am an Overseer! … Er, did I resign or get fired from that position earlier? It seems like I remember one of the other overseers commenting on how the zombies have an innate way of knowing whether or not a person has Sku Le’Bizarre’s blessing as an overseer. …”
“I know what you’re thinking, Mr. Hungry Zombie man, but it should take a minimum of three to five business days for that loss of privilege to go through the proper channels! Until such time, I demand to be accorded all perks associated with my position! Please get that hungry look out of your eyes and tell that to your companions, as well!”
“Stay back! I will slap you with an injunction! I will subpoena your dead butt to appear in court!”
“Why are all of you flesh-eating cannibal zombie corpses surrounding me?”
“You don’t want to eat me, I taste like lawyer!”
“No, no, no! Get away! Let me go!”
“OBJECTION!!!”
Chapter Twenty Nine:
The Final Conflict
thumpuh/thumpuh/thumpuh/thumpuh/thumpuh/thumpuh!
thumpuh/thumpuh/thumpuh/thumpuh/thumpuh/thumpuh!
“EEE-AYE-rROARK!!!”
Staump! Staump! Staump!
“Taern left, Ickety!”
“No, no! Tuhn roight, roight?”
“Nae! Left! Left! Left!”
“Look out!”
“Aaaah!”
Staump!
“Citizen Ichabod, she’s coming up on your right side!”
“Aaaah!”
Staump!
“Oh, Lord, are we ever going to escape this field? We have had more narrow escapes in the last fifteen minutes than I could have ever hoped to escape from. Please Lord, just let us survive a few more, Hallelujah!”
“Quite so, Reverend Dolomite, this persistent assault by Queen Tempestia reveals an unusually tenacious streak in one of her station. She appears most perturbed at the uncanny scampering maneuverability of our ‘Doombuggy’. I had hoped she would tire of continually trying to stomp our craft under her flaming heel, but her interest has not abated an iota. Hello, what’s this? I say, we are finally gaining the perimeter of these vast cane fields. The western mountain ranges loom before us. We should be on the lookout for a cave entrance of some kind. Hmm. Yes! By Jove, I believe the yawning mouth of that rock formation so very much like the skull face of our former host will prove to be the emergency exit portal of which we seek, eh, hem?”
The Measure of Temperance (The Adventures of Ichabod Temperance Book 6) Page 19
