1. Fear of making an initial approach to someone
2. Fear of letting someone know that you fancy them
3. Fear of asking too many questions about them in case you appear nosy
4. Fear that they won't fancy you
5. Fear that you're boring them
6. Fear of rejection
7. Fear that your wife or husband will catch you out
Most people would look at that list of fears and identify one or more (if not all) that apply to them. And yet the human race breeds on thanks primarily to our abilities to drum up sufficient confidence to overcome these fears and get flirting (and because the Rev. Thomas Malthus' predictions of a population explosion followed by mass starvation have yet to come true). But all this still fails to address the issue of how confident you feel inside, and the chances are that you don't think you're as confident as most other people. Whenever you feel like that, just be aware of one thing: no one is truly confident. Remember that and it will give you confidence!
What about people who look completely at ease, unafraid of anything? (Don't you just hate them?) Well, they're not what they appear. They are people who have learned to generate an aura of confidence because they have become accustomed to dealing with particular sets of circumstances. Think of your first day at work: you were nervous, awkward, embarrassed at taking your clothes off in front of all those strangers. Oh, I was assuming you work as a life model, or a stripper, by the way. It helps me when I'm thinking through these examples. Anyway, the next time you do it, the fear diminishes slightly. After several weeks the job contains few surprises and you're able to cope with it. Deep inside you can't really believe you're actually doing it and it scares you, but on the surface you have achieved a veneer of confidence.
Take another, less draughty, example. Suppose you were employed to chat to people in a bar, one after the other, to demonstrate spoons to them. The first time you approach a stranger it's going to be very tough for you. The second time is a little easier, and after a while it's a doddle. The confidence grows with familiarity, and this can be applied to any of the aspects of flirting that scare you. By putting yourself in the situation that frightens you time and again you will build a resistance to the fear and will start to appear confident.
That's fair enough for the long term, but how do you tackle an imminent flirting session that means everything to you and yet scares the pants off you? The only quick fix is to fake confidence. Try pretending you're someone else. Imagine you're much more wealthy, much more experienced in life, more travelled and more cultured. Try imagining that you're famous and that when you walk into a room heads turn and people start whispering that you're the person they hate off the telly, and yet they all want to be your friend in case you can get them into the Groucho Club. Convince yourself that you're better than anyone else present, and you'll find that you have become confident in their presence. You can't give your flirting a better start than to enter a room filled with what I call fake confidence, or, to give it its more common name, alcohol.
Affability
Self-important pomposity won't win you many friends. Being friendly and gentle can help the other person tackle their own fears of flirting with you. Make it easy for them by not scaring them off with a fierce persona and scowling expression. Just radiate warmth and love (but not too much because hippies scare people off, too).
Social skills
You're going to have to flirt in various social situations for which different social skills will apply (in addition to your flirting skills - I know, it's getting tough, but hang in there). Your style of approach needs to be appropriate to the surroundings, and that's where those social skills come in. These skills are best learnt by watching others. Look at how they hold a glass, or a fork, or a cigarette. Look at how they conduct conversations, how they stand, how loudly they laugh. Fit in with people and people will want you.
Self worth
If you don't value yourself highly, how can you expect anyone else to value you? Tell yourself that you are special. You are unique. You have a vital contribution to make to society. The world has been enriched by your presence. It's all nonsense, of course, but successful self delusion has the same positive benefit as a sense of self worth. Chant mantras to yourself every morning such as 'I am beautiful', 'I love myself and other people love me', and 'I am a success'. I know it's nauseating and might give you the same symptoms as morning sickness, but it's an essential part of the brainwashing process that will train you to think positively and create a sense of worth that will become apparent to others.
The alternative to this is to be perceived as needy and weak, as someone who will drain the energy from a relationship rather than contributing to it. Although you might be lucky enough to find someone who enjoys helping needy people to love themselves, the chances are your partner will find it a chore that saps their emotions.
Your external characteristics
Style
You've either got it or you haven't got it. Or you've got it to some extent. That probably covers most eventualities. But how do you know if you've got it or not, and what does it actually mean? After all, everyone has a style, even if it's a pissy, smelly and obnoxious style that repels everyone. Your style is the way you dress, the way you do your hair, the shoes you wear, the make-up or facial hair you have.
Most people adopt a generic style that enables them to blend in with the culture in which they live. In western societies, for instance, this means that men usually wear shoes. But there are many types of shoes, each of which can depict a different style. Sandals say something about you, as do rubber boots, leather brogues, and trainers. People make assumptions about your personality, social class and attitudes on the basis of the style you present to them. Of course this is unfair and morally wrong, but we all do it. You'll make very different assumptions about someone in a smart suit and someone in ripped jeans and a T-shirt.
Think about the way in which you present yourself and what that will make others think about you. Are you giving out a message that you're well-balanced, safe and nice? Or do you look as if you don't wash, have no friends and murder hitch-hikers for a hobby? Subconsciously we're all concerned when we meet someone that they might be a dangerous freak. That's why we're more comfortable with strangers when they are introduced to us via a mutual friend. Complete strangers are all potential murderers. It may sound extreme, but that attitude is a defensive instinct that has evolved over thousands of generations. However, we are less afraid of people who dress similarly to us. They give us confidence that they are from the same culture and that they believe in the same things as us.
So when thinking about your style, look at the styles of others around you. Try to stick to current fashions that will make other people comfortable in your presence. Individuality is great, but only if you can create that individuality within the confines of a known style, otherwise you will simply appear as a freak. Remember to adapt and change your outward style as fashions change over the years. Many people make the mistake of finding a fashion they like and sticking with it for the rest of their lives, while others around them move on. Eventually they begin to look a bit sad, and their social acceptability wanes. It has nothing to do with what you feel makes you look good: you have to be cynical and objective if you want to adopt a style that will enhance your flirting chances.
Smells
Don't ignore any of the senses when flirting. What you look like and what you say are obviously important, but the other person will probably have a nose and will not want to smell you unless it's a pleasant fragrance. No one is going to flirt with you if you forgot to shower today (or this week). Bath or shower daily, use a good deodorant, and spray on a reasonable amount of perfume or after-shave. But don't over-do it: too much perfume will make heads turn for the wrong reasons.
Hair
People are shallow. We make assumptions all day, every day, about other people, and this is always based on the way they look. So how you cu
t, style, colour and present your hair will affect the way you are perceived by others. If you get it right for the section of society within which you wish to flirt, they might not think anything about you, but get it wrong and they will start to think negatively about your class, education, political stance, occupation, sexuality and personality. The safest bet for easy flirting is to blend in with those around you. Standing out from the crowd demands much more strength of personality and that makes successful flirting harder.
Body shape
It's rare to find someone who is truly happy with their body shape. The chances are that your negative perception of your own body is a source of self-consciousness which can only hinder your flirting technique. There are several things you can do about this:
1. Work on your body. To get to your preferred shape, try a sensible diet, work out in the gym, sacrifice a few cakes in the noble cause of flirting. (How's that for glib, over-simplified advice? There's no room in this little book for a full account of the mental struggles involved in losing weight, and how we often eat pies because we're unhappy, then we're unhappy because we're fat, so we eat even more pies. You'll have to deal with that conundrum on your own.)
2. Dress in sympathy with your body shape, ie hide the flab.
3. Target someone who seems to have a similar or worse body shape than you do, so that you don't feel at a disadvantage.
Make-up
A thick layer of foundation, some strong eye shadow and bright lipstick can create a mask behind which you can flirt with increased confidence. Works for the ladies, too.
Getting rid of a persistent flirt
It's hard to get rid of someone without being rude. You know the rejection is going to hurt them, and sometimes it's better to lie in order to spare their feelings. If someone you don't fancy is coming on strong to you then telling them you're married or that you have a prior date or appointment lets them down without it being a reflection on themselves. But if you come out and tell them to piss off because they're ugly, that might tend to hurt them.
Put downs
Part of your flirting skills is the need to be able to get rid of someone politely and without causing them offence. If you're stuck with a person who is flirting with you when you would rather be flirting with someone else in the room, you might miss the chance to introduce yourself to the love of your life if you can't extricate yourself.
Put downs can convey different meanings, so here are a few classic examples.
Subtle put downs
I just need to visit the loo. I'll catch up with you later.
I have to go now, but I'd love to meet up again some time. (liar!) Here's my card.
I've just remembered I was meant to call someone. I'll be back in a minute.
Direct but sensitive put downs
I think I ought to tell you that I'm already with someone.
It's been great meeting you, but I have to dash to an appointment.
There's someone else I promised to speak to tonight. If I don't catch up with you again have a good evening.
Direct and shitty put downs
Sorry, you're not my type.
Are you chatting me up? Stop it!
If you were the last person on earth I'd still rather sleep with my dog.
Stalking
Over-enthusiastic, sustained flirting attempts aimed at one person can easily cross the line to become stalking. Be aware of their responses and willingness to indulge in flirting with you. If they want it to stop, you had better stop immediately otherwise court action and public humiliation will follow, not to mention the distress you will cause them. If you feel you are developing an obsession with someone who hasn't shown any interest in you, force yourself to try flirting with others. Don't lose your sense of perspective or self respect. No one will be attracted to someone with an obsession.
Flirting in competition (out-flirting someone else)
If you and someone else are going for the same person, remember this: the person you're both trying to attract will feel the same insecurities as you. They will fear rejection, fear making a fool of themselves if they think they are being chatted-up and flirt back only to find they were mistaken. So they want to be sure that they are doing the right thing in flirting with you, and if your rival makes them feel more confident about flirting than you do, your rival will win the prize. In other words, make sure your target knows you are serious about your flirting, because they won't want to take a chance with you if they know someone else really is serious about them. This goes against the rules of subtlety, but in these circumstances you simply need to progress more quickly from the subtle, metaphorical chat-up techniques to the directly romantic topics of conversation.
If the presence of a rival makes you nervous, you will be less attractive. Try to forget about the other person, and try not to care too much. The suitor who doesn't try too hard will be the most attractive, but if you give the other person too much space they will squeeze you out. It's all about finding a difficult balance between feigned indifference and displaying your interest.
On the re-bound
People always seem to advise caution when trying to flirt with someone new immediately after a relationship has ended. The assumption is that it takes time for the emotions to settle, and until then any judgement will be clouded by the dregs of the old affair. But the caution should only apply to long-term decisions: in the short time you should just go for it. Flirting like crazy in order to boost your ego after rejection is highly recommended, and don't let recent rejection hold you back from taking chances. If there are lessons to be learned from the failed relationship then try to implement them at the start of the next one.
How do you know if someone is flirting with you?
This should be fairly obvious, but you want to be careful not to misinterpret someone who is simply being friendly. Usually a flirt will show good eye contact, a clear interest in you, and will smile at you. Then again, so will a friendly person. Perhaps the flirt doesn't seem so friendly with other people in the room? Perhaps you sense the conversation is being steered by them towards romantic topics? Perhaps they've asked you to drop your pants so that they can read your buttocks? There are many potential signs of flirting, and if you suspect someone is chatting you up and you want to respond positively, then try some of the techniques in this book and monitor the reaction. If they didn't intend to be flirtatious and they realise you are now flirting, the change in their tone should be clear. If they stay flirty after you've flirted back, then enjoy the rest of the evening. You won't need this book any more.
Develop your own flirting style
There's a lot to remember in this little book, and not every suggestion will be relevant to every person. That's why it's good to develop your own style of flirting. Use the techniques that you feel most comfortable with, and become confident in them. Your flirting style will then become part of your character, part of the charisma you radiate that attracts people to you. Always be ready to flirt, and that means always presenting yourself in the manner in which you feel most confident. Take the time to be clean, fresh and to wear your favourite clothes even if you're not planning on flirting that day: the best flirting experiences are the unexpected ones, and it would be awful to feel you can't indulge because you've forgotten to brush (or bring) your teeth today.
Top ten do's and don'ts for flirting
Do
1. Smile
2. Maintain eye contact
3. Use the person's name
4. Be generous in your praise for their clothes, hair, opinions etc.
5. Encourage them to tell you about themselves
6. Relax in their company; regard them as old friends
7. Find mutual connections in the people you know or the lives you lead
8. Gently tease the conversation towards romance without being direct
9. Read their body language
10. Be attractive to yourself so that you become attractive to others
; Don't
1. Let rejection get you down. Learn from it and move on.
2. Give too much away about yourself immediately. Learn the attractiveness of being enigmatic.
3. Cling or appear needy.
4. Fidget or look awkward
5. Wait for things to happen. Make them happen.
6. Think about how well you're doing. Just be natural.
7. Forget to be a good listener.
8. Drink too much.
9. Aim too high - go for people you think will be attracted to you.
10. Worry if none of this works the first time. Keep trying: it will work eventually.
The personality test
Pretend to be conducting a survey as part of a course or for a magazine article. Type out a list of questions which answer everything you'd like to know about a potential lover. An example list would be:
Name:
Age:
Marital status:
Occupation:
Favourite music:
Favourite food:
Hobbies:
Politics:
Preferred holiday destination:
Most interesting sexual experience:
Ideal lover:
Add your own questions to the list so that the answers give you enough information about someone to decide whether you still want to try flirting with them. Not only does the false questionnaire break the ice, giving you a legitimate and non sexual reason for talking to them, but it gives you conversation topics and enables you to avoid those embarrassing faux pas when you state your strong dislike of something only to find that the other person is passionate about it.
The Little Book of Flirting Page 3
