by Ashley Jade
My stomach twists and my head whirls when I realize that for the first time ever...this girl might like this dance and this devil.
Before I know what's happening, my face is colliding with the hard wood of the desk. It doesn't hurt too bad and I'm not bleeding, but it does cause horrible flashbacks of what Bruno did to go zipping through my mind.
He angles me so I'm wedged between his hard body and the desk and shifts me so my ass is high in the air. One large hand hovers over my neck ready to squeeze, and one thick thigh is jammed between my legs, ensuring they don't close.
The room is spinning and I squeeze my eyes shut. The little girl in the bathtub is screaming that there are monsters here, but I tell her to shut up because I refuse to believe her.
We know who the monsters are—I remind her sharply. And Ricardo's not one of them.
He drops to his knees and I feel his stubble scraping the tender skin of my inner thighs and I moan.
His thumbs spread me open for him and I stop breathing entirely when he licks one long, languid path from my pussy up to my ass and groans. “This is mine whenever I want it. Any time...any-fucking-where.” He slaps my ass again. “And I always fucking want it.”
I don't have a chance to respond, because he lifts my ass higher into the air and attacks me with his mouth.
My nails dig into the wood for dear life and I swear on everything in this fucked up world that I actually see stars with every stroke of his tongue.
Jesus—his mouth is everywhere. Pulling my ass cheeks into his mouth, dipping and plunging into my puckered hole, and sucking and biting me like he can't ever get enough of me.
Oh God...the groans—the deep, insatiable groans erupting from him as he consumes me entirely are enough to turn an innocent angel into a dirty little whore.
My body shakes and I know that the next stroke of his tongue will propel me out of orbit, and like a junkie who needs their next fix, I crave it. “Ricardo—”
He stops abruptly and my body protests at the loss when I feel him stand up behind me. “Don't ever do that to me again. You hear me?”
I don't answer, I refuse to. But the sound of a zipper being undone turns my shakes into tremors, which are only made worse when he doesn't notice the shift and I feel the piercing on the head of his cock at my entrance.
The little girl in the bathtub starts screaming that there are monsters here again and I physically feel another piece of my already broken heart crack.
Because this time...I think I might believe her.
I've never once felt the monsters crawling at my skin with Ricardo...he's always kept them at bay.
Until now.
When he pulls back and slides his dick between my ass cheeks, my vision becomes blurry.
Somewhere in the very back of my mind, I breathe a sigh of relief when I register that he hasn't actually entered me yet, but I've already gone numb.
Because all I can feel are the monsters closing in on me.
I shut my eyes and go slack as the fight drains from my body and I wait for him to finish having his way. There's no way I can fight something I wasn't prepared for...there's no way I can survive him doing this to me.
I dream of dandelions. I dream of my safe spot in his apartment where he used to hold me all night long.
I dream of holding Thumper in my arms and rocking and singing him to sleep.
I dream of saviors. Saviors named...
“Ricky,” I whisper, but he doesn't hear me because he's still sliding his erection tauntingly between the flesh of my ass.
The tears fall faster and I close my eyes again and dream of things I'll never have.
Because wishes never come true for girls like me.
“The next time you pull this, I will assume you're giving it,” he says gruffly, and the spurt of his release all over my backside brings me back to reality.“And I will take it. Every fucking part.”
He lets go of me and I quickly gather my shirt and my bearings and run out of his office.
The shame impales me and I swallow it down and practically choke on it as I burst through the door of my room.
I grab a vase full of dandelions, charge straight for the bathroom, and lock the door behind me.
I flick the light switch on the wall and crawl inside the tub, my loud sobs echoing off the dark walls.
My puzzle piece is gone—taken by a monster I'm not sure I can save him from.
They always take the men I love away from me.
I draw my knees up to my chest and another round of trembles barrel into me.
I've never been scared of the dark...it's the things in the light that have always frightened me.
The things that show me who a person really is.
The things that make me believe that monsters never truly die..because they live on in others.
Chapter 22 (Ricardo)
I grip my chest as I watch her run out of the room like she's running from a predator.
Because she is.
I can't believe I almost...
My head pounds and flashbacks of my mother stab through my heart until my body goes numb.
And there's nothing but shame.
Shame like I've never felt before rises up in my throat until my guts churn and I grab the nearest trashcan and puke.
I drag my sorry ass over to the bathroom and turn on the shower before I strip down.
The steam fills up the room, but I catch my reflection and my eyes stay glued to my right bicep.
“Maybe it was for the best after all,” I say out loud, my voice starting to crack. “You won't have to suffer now, Thumper. You won't have to watch yourself turn into the monster that your father was.”
I stare into my dark eyes, which look more and more like his with every day that passes. “I won, DeLuca.” I slam my fist into the mirror and watch it shatter. “Because it ends with me.”
Blood oozes from my hand and I watch it drip and fall onto the clean, white tiles.
DeLuca blood.
Something heavy inside my chest lifts when I realize the solution I've been searching for was right in front of my face the entire time.
The people I love don't have to die.
Only I do.
I throw on fresh clothes and walk out of my office...only to be greeted by a frantic Marlene. “She did something to the lock on the bathroom door. I can't open it and—”
She doesn't have a chance to finish because I'm shoving her aside and running for Lou-Lou's bedroom, cursing myself the entire time.
Of course, she'd be a mess right now. Because I did this to her. I didn't just cross a line with her...I burned and scarred it for life.
When I reach her room, the smoke alarm in her bedroom is going off and I can see smoke coming from underneath the bathroom door.
Fear lodges in my throat, it's so thick I barely manage to stand as I kick the door down.
But it's what I find on the other side of the door that brings me to my goddamn knees.
The lights are off...but the bathtub is lit up in flames.
I watch as Lou-Lou strikes a match and holds it up to the dandelion in her hand.
When it catches fire, she tosses it into the already growing fire in the bathtub.
“Monsters never die,” she cries, her entire body trembling. “They always find me.”
Her voice is so soft, so fragile...it's almost a whisper.
She plucks another dandelion from the broken vase and I crawl across the floor to her. “Lou—”
A guttural scream rips from her throat. “Why do the monsters always find me, Daddy? Why can't you protect me from the monster?”
“Baby, I'm not a—” I can't even finish that sentence because that's exactly what I am to her now. I reach for her arm but she lunges head first for the bathtub. “No, Daddy.”
I manage to yank her back from burning herself just in the nick of time. “Lou-Lou it's me,” I whisper as I clutch her against me. “It's just me—”
“Mons
Her sobs are inaudible and she fights against me some more but I grab her face and force her to look at me. “It's me, Lou-Lou. It's Ricky.”
She slams a fist into my chest. “Don't touch me, Ricky. I hurt everywhere again. You hurt me everywhere.”
Her statement is like a kick straight to the heart and I let go of her.
She lunges for the fire again but I reach over and turn on the faucet. “The water doesn't wash it away. Maybe the flames will.” She tries grabbing the matches off the floor but I wrap an arm around her waist. “Lou-Lou, stop.” She attempts to headbutt me and we wrestle for the matches on the floor for a good minute until I wrap both my arms around her. “I'm sorry, baby,” I tell her softly. “Lou-Lou, I am so fucking sorry.”
I can't see her anymore because the fire has died out, but I feel her body break out into a fresh batch of sobs.
“He raped me,” she says into the dark.
“I know what that monster did to you. I know he used to hurt—”
“Not that monster...the other monster.”
Rage that I have no right to feel anymore flares inside me. “W—”
“First time was in the conference room when I was 21...after I found out that he was helping my father run for mayor and I confronted him about it.” She squeezes the arm I have wrapped around her waist. “He took me on his desk...took me in the way that you almost did in your office tonight. It was his way of teaching me a lesson. His way of putting me in my place so I learned to fear him instead of standing up to him. He said I became too bold...too powerful.”
My heart drops. There's no way I can ever undo what I just did to her. The horrible shit that I just put her through. “Lou—”
“You noticed, Ricky. You might be a heartless bastard now...but I know you still have a soul somewhere inside you. So you had to have noticed.”
“I don''t know—”
She digs her nails into my arm until I ease my grip and she turns around to face me. “You said you noticed everything about me.”
“I do.”
She grabs my cheeks and even though we're in the dark, I can feel her eyes on mine. “Then you had to have noticed the exact moment that I stopped wanting it.”
She leans her forehead against mine and my eyes begin burning with unshed tears. “It doesn't matter that you didn't rape me, Ricky. Because you kept going...you kept going after you felt the shift in me. You kept going until you scared me. Until you proved your point and had taken all the control and left me completely powerless.”
Disgust twists my guts because she's right. I was in a haze, a fog of anger. I wanted the power, the control. I wanted to make her pay for things that weren't her fault. I was trapped in the darkest place I'd ever been before...a place where Lou-Lou's light doesn't shine.
My vision becomes blurry and my body starts to shake.“I'm sorry. I'm so—”
She lets go of me and hauls herself into the bathtub. I go to join her but she pushes me away. “You're not welcome in here anymore,” she whispers into the darkness. “I called out for my Ricky to save me...I needed him to save me...but he wasn't there.”
“I'm so sorry. God, I'm so sorry. ” I reach for her hand and kiss it. “Il mio piccolo superstite.”
She jerks her hand back. “I'm not yours anymore.” She throws a fistful of burnt dandelions in my face. “I don't want another monster, Ricardo. I've had more than my fair share in this lifetime already.”
“You're right, you have.” Despite her protests, I crawl into the bathtub behind her and crush her against me because she needs to hear this.
And I need to hold onto her right now...because she's my gravity, the only thing that centers me.
My arms tighten around her, too afraid to let go. “I can't take back what I did tonight, but I swear on everything I love that I'll kill them all for you. I'll take them all away if it's the last thing I do.”
I want her to know how much I love her. I need her to know that under all my layers of fucked up—I'd do anything for her and I'll stop at nothing to protect her.
I press a kiss to her temple. “I'll never be your hero...but I'll save you, Lou-Lou. I promise I will.”
She curls up in my arms and her tears soak through my shirt. “I don't care about me. How do I save you, Ricky?”
She grips my collar and cries harder when I don't respond.
I plant soft kisses on her forehead and rock her in my arms as she continues to sob her heart out.
The tears falling down my own face the silent answer to her question.
You can't save me, baby. I'm already too far gone.
And there's only one way this can all end now.
Chapter 23 (Lou-Lou)
I wake up enclosed in a pair of muscular arms, my head against a hard chest. I breathe in the scent of his skin and nuzzle my cheek against his shirt.
Until I look down at the burnt tub filled with singed dandelions and the events from last night all come rushing back.
Along with the pain in his voice and the feeling of his body shaking against me as his tears mixed with mine in the dark.
My heart recoils and I reach for his face.
“Don't, Lou-Lou.” His voice is a deep rasp. “Don't you dare forgive me for this.”
He shifts us so we're upright and cups my face in his hands. “See me for what I am...and hate me for what I am.”
There's a twinge in my heart with those words. “I do...and I—”
“You're not a stupid girl. You know wrong from right...you know there's no gray when it comes to certain things.” He closes his eyes. “And men like me don't deserve to be forgiven by women like you.”
He opens his eyes and I almost jump back because they're so much darker than they ever were before. “I'm a bad man, Lou-Lou.”
His hand slips to the back of my neck and he pulls me close to his chest where I can feel his heart beating erratically against my own. “This black thing in my chest belongs to you...but it's poison...and nothing good will come from loving it. I'll only drain you, Lou-Lou. I'll keep taking everything until I take the very best of you. The parts I don't deserve.”
He sweeps his thumbs over my cheeks. “We are toxic together, baby. I only end up hurting you even though you're all I want to save and protect.”
When I open my mouth to protest he says, “You know it's true...you know the things I'm responsible for. You know what you've sacrificed for me. I'm no good for you, Lou-Lou.”
Both my heart and stomach reel and he looks away. “So as soon as the time is right, I will let you go again.”
He stands up. “Until then, stop asking me why you're here, because it doesn't matter and I'll never tell you.” His forehead creases and he grips the wall. “And don't come into my office or come looking for me again...otherwise I'll be forced to lock you in your bedroom for good.”
I spring up from the bathtub, both my anger and heart pounding. “What? No—”
His jaw hardens. “What did I do to you last night?”
“You—” I look down at the floor. “You didn't rape me.”
I'm not dense and I'm far from naïve...I know what happened. I know that even though he didn't do that to me...what he did was still wrong.
It just punctures something inside me to come to terms with it...it also makes me want to vindicate him because I still love him.
I know the guilt he feels over it...and I know he's sorry.
What he doesn't realize is...it's not the fact that he didn't rape me that separates him from the others.
It's the fact that he feels remorse for it.
And even if he only has afflictions when it comes to me and nothing else in this world...it makes a difference.
It doesn't absolve him of his mistakes...but it shows me his humanity. It shows me there's something worth saving. Even if I'm the only one who can see it.
“Don't excuse what I did...and don't mistake who I am.��� He pounds the wall with his fist. “Don't look for color in the dark...because there is none.”
He opens the door but pauses and looks me in the eyes. “Don't go looking for the monsters, Lou-Lou. Stay far away so they can't find you.”
Chapter 24 (Ricardo)
I shift my Mustang into drive and slam down on the gas, enjoying what I know will be one of my very last drives in my favorite car.
I've never been one to make a decision out of haste or panic...I've always planned everything accordingly...meticulously thinking out every detail like a game of chess.
And while the decision to take my own life is one people would call impulsive and maybe even selfish...I know it's the right one.
It's been 48 hours since that night, and although my solution goes against every basic human instinct to survive...I can't help but finally feel a sense of peace.
As long as I don't let myself think about her...
Because that's when the twinge of apprehension comes. When I realize I won't get to spend the rest of my life with her...that I won't get to see her rise from those ashes like she's meant to.
I know some people—namely Tyrone—would say this plan of mine isn't the answer and that I need to come up with something else.
But there is no other plan but this one...I know because I've been wracking my brain trying to think of a good one ever since Ernesto delivered his ultimatum.
Every other potential plan would involve using Lou-Lou as bait and putting her in harm's way. Which is not something I'm willing to do.
And while I know that sometimes you have to sacrifice the queen in order to win.
I refuse to.
I'm finally playing by my own rules in this messed up game now...just like the Deluca's have been playing by theirs.
Only in my game?
The fucked up king is the one who is sacrificed...this way the queen can win in the end.
My overall game plan is a simple, yet complicated one—because I need to kill Travine first...and then simultaneously manage to kill all the members of the DeLuca council, including myself; right after without putting everyone I love in harm's way, since the council will be gunning for them.
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