Who Let the Dogs In?

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Who Let the Dogs In? Page 5

by Molly Ivins


  I realize that while I have been engaged in this exhausting explication of text, all of political Texas is in a state of chaos and confusion because state Senate redistricting is once more in the twilight zone. As things now stand, thirteen Senate nominees of assorted parties are no longer living in the districts they are running in, a slight electoral impediment. This ungainly mess will probably go all the way to the Supreme Court, proving once again that when the Texas Legislature sets out to mess something up, nobody does it better.

  But it’s easy to handicap the whole deal: Pay no attention to the sniveling, hypocritical Republicans. Had the sniveling, hypocritical Republicans now crying, “Foul!” not hijacked the Senate redistricting plan in a secret midnight judicial coup (which we must all admit was a terrifically shrewd political move) in the first place, we wouldn’t be in the present pickle. The R’s may jerk this thing around in the courts long enough to force a special election for the Senate seats, but on the whole, both legality and minority representation are on the side of the D’s.

  August 1992

  Character Issue

  Alice laughed. “There’s no use trying,” she said. “One can’t believe impossible things.”

  “I daresay you haven’t had much practice,” said the Queen. “When I was your age, I always did it for half-an-hour a day. Why, sometimes I’ve believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast.”

  THROUGH THE LOOKING-GLASS

  CHARACTER, SAYS GEORGE BUSH, is the issue. George Bush. Says character is the issue.

  Character, one supposes, comprises both principles and integrity. What are George Bush’s principles, this man who accuses Bill Clinton of waffling? George Bush has been on both sides of the abortion question. He has been on both sides of civil rights. More recently, he has been on both sides of new taxes. He has been on both sides of Saddam Hussein. He says he is for a balanced budget amendment while the deficit has increased to $288 billion and he has asked for more money than Congress has actually appropriated. He has been on both sides of “voodoo economics.”

  In 1964, George Bush campaigned against Ralph Yarborough as a staunch opponent of the 1964 Civil Rights Act, the first great piece of civil rights legislation that gave blacks the right to eat in the same restaurants and drink out of the same water fountains as whites. He was wrong, he was mistaken, and he has never admitted it. Why doesn’t he admit it? George Wallace has.

  As a Republican, despite his heritage from both his mother and his father as a moderate Republican, he first became active in the Goldwater wing of the party. Later, he became a moderate. Then he became a Reaganite. Then he became whatever he has been for the past four years.

  Those who were around during Watergate may recall Bush’s inane, burbling denial of the entire stinking mess. Those who recall his vice presidential years may recall why George Will described him then as “the tinny, yapping lap dog of the Reagan administration.”

  George Bush and principle. There is one single issue on which George Bush has been resolute through the years, despite its unpopularity and defeat—a capital gains tax cut that would disproportionately benefit the wealthy.

  George Bush and integrity. You may recall when he said on national television that Walter Mondale had said our marines in Lebanon “died in shame.” Mondale had said they died “in vain.” Bush tried to prove with a dictionary that Mondale meant “in shame.”

  You may recall his 1988 campaign—a vapid, racist exercise featuring the flag and Willie Horton, conducted while he carefully concealed the extent of the savings and loan fiasco and lied about his involvement in the Iran-contra scandal. In this campaign, he has descended into rank McCarthyism with his unfounded charge that there was some impropriety about Clinton’s having visited Moscow during a tour of European capitals and with his demagoguery implying that it was unpatriotic to oppose the war in Vietnam.

  One reason Bush won in 1988 was his famous interview with Dan Rather about Iran-contra—Bush blustered, he fulminated, he attacked Rather—but he never answered the questions. And the reason becomes more apparent every day. He was not “out of the loop.” From the George Shultz memo to Tuesday’s revelation of the John Poindexter cable that lists Bush among those supporting secrecy and concealment of the entire operation. A month after that cable was written, Bush made a speech saying, “Let the chips fall where they may. We want the truth. The president wants it. I want it. And the American people have a right to it. If the truth hurts, so be it. We’ve got to take our lumps and move ahead.” But he went right on with the cover-up and is still lying about it today.

  His entire administration is embroiled in a massive cover-up of Iraq-gate, the illegal use of American grain credits by Saddam Hussein to buy weapons. To cover up this piece of folly, the administration had to interfere in and then botch the prosecution for the largest bank fraud in the history of this country. The CIA, the FBI, and the Justice Department are now engaged in investigating one another in the farcical fallout. It would be more farcical if Americans hadn’t died fighting Iraq.

  In every campaign speech he gives, George Bush is guilty of massive hypocrisy. In every campaign speech he gives, he twists his opponent’s words (as he does on Clinton’s stand on the Persian Gulf War), he twists his opponent’s stands, and he twists his opponent’s record. He is guilty of hypocrisy about the Clean Air Act, the civil rights legislation he was finally forced to sign, the tax bill he agreed to (“Congress twisted my arm,” he whines).

  Sure George Bush is a decent individual—he’s polite, he’s loyal, he’s kind to his children, and he has that endearingly goofy streak (did you catch his reference to “90/90 hindsight” the other night?), but in his public life, George Bush has been anything but an exemplar of principle and integrity. When has George Bush stood for anything in his public life except the protection and advance of George Bush? To suggest otherwise is a sick, sad joke.

  October 1992

  The 1992 Vote

  LITTLE ROCK— I can think of one and a half reasons to vote for George Bush. The first is entirely selfish. But then, they tell us this is the year of the “What’s in it for me?” voter.

  What’s in it for me as a political humorist is that George Bush is just fabulous material. Bush-speak, the thing thing, that gloriously daffy streak he has—“Read my lips,” 90/90 hindsight, “the manhood thing.”

  Lord, but I would miss that goofy, preppy, golden retriever–like part of his personality, those moments of transcendent dorkiness when we all stand there trying to believe he’s just said what he did.

  If you have any mercy in your hearts for those who make a living being funny about politics, take pity on us. Mark Russell is going to commit suicide if we elect Bill Clinton. Saturday Night Live will fall on its collective sword. Russell Baker will molt and decline. Mike Royko will be stuck with Chicago, and I’ll be stuck with Texas.

  Not that Texas isn’t more than enough, but Bush has been such a boon.

  The half-reason is foreign policy, and for none of the usual reasons cited by either Bush or the conventional wisdom.

  I don’t think Bush had do-squat to do with ending the cold war. Forty-four years of bipartisan American foreign policy and its own internal weakness killed off the Soviet Union. If any one person deserves a lot more credit than anyone else, well, they gave the Nobel Peace Prize to Mikhail Gorbachev for a reason. He was the one who put his life on the line.

  Likewise, it seems to me that Bush’s leadership during the Persian Gulf War is canceled out by his stupidity in having armed Saddam Hussein in the first place. However, I do think Bush deserves credit in an area in which he hardly ever gets it, and that’s south of our border.

  I grant you that saying his policies in Central America are better than those of Reagan is damning with the faintest praise in all of human history. And I’m willing to grant that the North American Free Trade Agreement, as now negotiated, may well result in the faint sucking sound of jobs going south. But I still say that Bu
sh—with his “Hello, Jorge, this is George” style of telephone diplomacy—has done better than any president since Kennedy (who mostly had plans rather than accomplishments) in improving our relations with both Mexico and Latin America.

  Except, of course, for Bush’s ongoing drug-war follies. There is immensely more the United States could do to help both our neighbors and ourselves south of the border, but the beginning, the minimum, has to be what Bush has accomplished.

  He has recognized the importance of the region and given Latinos the respect they deserve and accorded them the dignity they must have.

  And for the rest? Even if Bush has finally, belatedly developed some ideas, some weak domestic agenda, what makes anyone think he would have any better luck putting it into place next term than he has in this one?

  Gridlock government will not only continue, it can only get worse with a bunch of sore-loser Democrats dominating Congress.

  As a lame duck, Bush will have even less clout. His judicial appointments won’t get any better. The rot of cynicism and corruption that infected the second Reagan term will be back in spades.

  And frankly, this Iraq-gate mess is so rank, I’m afraid Bush will be impeached over it. Not the failed policy with Saddam Hussein—that was just a dumb mistake—but the cover-up.

  Like Watergate, the initial mistake was not as poisonous as the lies that followed. The Bush administration has clearly jacked around with the prosecution of a criminal case, this immense BNL scandal out of Atlanta, and they’re going to get nailed for it. The taxpayers have been nailed for a billion bucks. Just what we need, a second-term administration totally absorbed in an impeachment fight while the economy continues to unravel.

  And if you really want to depress yourself, there’s always the possibility that Bush will croak and leave us stuck with Quayle. Although personally, I have always thought God would never be that unkind.

  As for the Perot option, damn, damn! I wish with all my soul that had worked out. I would have loved that more than anything in the world. An anti-establishment populist with no strings on him, owing no one, not having to dance with a single special interest, just going up there to do the will of the people.

  That is the dream of my life. We may never get this close again, and it is breaking my heart. I would have given my left arm for Ross Perot, and my right as well—except for one thing.

  The guy’s a wrong ’un. He is just not a democrat. The other night on television with David Frost, he kept saying, “I’m the only one who listens to the people.” Bull. Perot listens to no one. Or more precisely, what he means when he says “the people” is the people who tell him, “Ross, we love you.” Everyone else, he’s x-ed out.

  It’s his way or nothing. That’s why he quit the first time. He gutted his own corps of volunteers except for the ones who would tell him exactly what he wants to hear. That squirrelly little part of his brain that will never allow him to admit he’s wrong about anything comes up with these fantastic rationales for his own flaky behavior. A Perot presidency would be like the time of the papist plots in England. Conspirators sighted everywhere, evidence no object.

  Look, I’m not a shrink, I can’t tell you why he’s like this. I just know from studying his record that Perot is not temperamentally suited to lead this country. He does not have the patience. He does not have the knowledge, and despite his seeming common sense (when he’s not sitting there with springs coming out of his head), I don’t think the man has the first idea how to go about getting anything done in D.C. Worse, he couldn’t and wouldn’t stand having anyone around him who did know.

  George Bush once said the key thing we should watch, the one thing that would tell us more than anything else, was who he chose for vice president. Bush chose Dan Quayle. Perot chose Admiral Stockdale. Stockdale is ad-mirable in many ways, but he is not a democrat, and he could no more function as president than he could put on a pink tutu and dance Swan Lake.

  So that leaves Clinton. I reserve the right to make fun of Bill Clinton from now to infinity, but he is bright (actually, amazingly bright), and he has a sense of humor about the world and about himself. He genuinely likes people, even the ones who don’t grovel at his feet, and he listens, which is an unusual trait in a politician.

  He is a serious student of how you get government to work. In fact, that is the great passion of his life. More than that, I don’t guarantee. Clinton is gonna have to dance with the people what brung him, and I do not know if he has the political courage to change that system. So maybe the best solution is to go out and vote for him and make sure he knows we all brung him.

  Finally, to all my old friends and to all my old enemies concerning what I fear will always be the Defining Moment for our generation, I think the question now is not whether you went to Vietnam or whether you didn’t, whether you fought in the war or whether you fought against the war. I think the only question is whether we can find a president smart enough never to make a mistake like that again.

  November 1992

  Dan Quayle I

  MADISON, WIS.— How nice. Vice President Dan Quayle has joined the Lost Values Task Force, also known as Doing Nothing.

  In a speech Monday that may yet prove to be the high-water mark for disconnection-from-reality for the entire four years of the Bush-Quayle administration, the veeper gamely blamed the Los Angeles riots and all other manifestations of urban unrest and social decay on—declining values.

  Not the sky-high unemployment rates, not the rotten schools, not the lack of housing, or the lack of opportunity, or redlining, or the health-care double-bind that keeps mothers on welfare. In sum, not on poverty at all, but, as he put it, the poverty of values.

  He also managed to blame Murphy Brown, but, in a memorably charitable moment, he allowed, “It would be overly simplistic to blame the social breakdown on the programs of the Great Society alone.” Have to agree with that, don’t you? But said the veep, “It would be absolutely wrong to blame it on the growth and success most Americans enjoyed during the 1980s.”

  Unfortunately, Quayle is wrong. Most Americans did not enjoy growth and success during the eighties, and those who enjoyed it least were the urban poor, who just rioted. Perhaps this is even more relevant than Murphy Brown; what do you think?

  During the past two years, we have gotten several studies of the economic impact of the eighties, all of them grim. The latest studies show that 60 percent of the wealth created in that decade went to the richest 1 percent of Americans. An additional 14 percent of the wealth went to the richest 2 percent. And yet another 20 percent of the new wealth went to those in the richest 20 percent, leaving 6 percent of the new wealth to be spread among the remaining 80 percent of Americans.

  The vice president says the answer is two-parent families, but according to a study done by the Congressional Joint Economic Committee, based on Census Bureau data through 1989, two-parent families are having to run harder than ever just to stay in place. Their income in inflation-adjusted dollars rose 8 percent between 1979 and 1989. That includes all income levels. It was a rate of growth one half of that in seventies, one fourth of that in sixties, and one fifth of that in the fifties. The study did not show the effects of the current recession, which obviously worsened the trend. Every study of the poorest people in America shows them losing ground sharply, in both income and job opportunities. Watts today is worse off than Watts in 1964. If any of this is Murphy Brown’s fault, Quayle should inform Miles Silverberg soonest.

  I certainly agree with the vice president that some people in this country have lost their sense of values. On the other hand, that’s not all that happened to them. For example, homeless people didn’t lose their sense of values until we stopped building low-income housing. Kids didn’t start hanging out on street corners in the ghetto all day until manufacturing jobs started to disappear. (It is a little-known fact that America’s school dropout rate, always high, was disguised for years by the fact that school dropouts could get manufacturing jobs,
which years of struggle by the unions had made into high-pay employment.)

  Now we hear much sober analysis and hand-wringing over the fact that inner-city residents just don’t want to work. Really? What were those three thousand people in a Chicago ghetto doing last winter, lined up in the freezing cold hours before dawn to apply for a couple of hundred good jobs at a new hotel? Why is it that every year in Harlem, when the applications open to get summer jobs provided by the Business Alliance, hundreds of teenagers line up on the sidewalk twenty-four and even forty-eight hours in advance to make sure their applications get considered?

  It is one of those odd little facts of life that poor people work harder than rich people. People who dig ditches and scrub floors and pick crops put in longer hours at backbreaking labor than dentists and stockbrokers, that’s all—as any college kid who’s ever worked summer labor will tell you.

 

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