by Cee Smith
I wasn’t naïve to think that Dominic had truly changed, but it felt like he was slipping away from me, even from himself. He had truly tumbled down the rabbit hole and was lost to me. I just had to figure out whether I would stay until he found his way back because where he was going I couldn’t help, I couldn’t follow. The most I could do was hope that the man coming back to me would return baptized of his anger and the residual pain that lingered in the depths of his eyes.
The walls of that beautiful resort mocked the torment of my indecision. I had a choice to make. One that was mine and mine alone. I could stay and wait for my lying husband to return or I could leave. My decision needed to be made before he returned, which could have been at any time seeing as how I hadn’t spoken with him in days. If I were to stay and wait him out, my second dilemma would kick in—would I continue with the charade and act as if he did in fact go to New York on business, or would I admit the truth? How would Dominic react knowing that I knew all along what he was up to?
My thoughts returned to the day I came downstairs to overhear his reasoning for taking me. Your liver looks stable, but we should run the tests on her later this week. I’d spent weeks holed up in his home, only to overhear him talking to Dr. Reynolds about me like I was a piece of meat to be butchered, carved up for his needs. The thought alone made me wince. It was a painful memory, one I seldom indulged in. It held too much power over what Dominic and I were trying to build together. Or, at least what I thought we were trying to build. I didn’t know whether that was a dream that we still shared or if his vows now included vengeance.
Clema spent days working around me, almost in fear of acknowledging me once she’d realized I wasn’t amiable. Wednesday morning, as I sat huddled in on myself staring at the void in the TV screen, she finally came to me, her days of walking on eggshells apparently over.
She set a mug of tea within my line of vision and took up an adjacent seat. The curtains were pulled wide, and light poured over every surface, exposing every emotion that crossed my face. I was revealed, naked, transparent. Clema saw everything. After spending almost a year with her, day in and day out, I discovered what it was that had always unsettled me about her. It was that there was nothing that I felt or thought that could be withheld from her insight. I didn’t know it when Dominic first came for me. I just knew that there was something about Clema that disturbed me, made me feel uneasy.
“Hailey, you know I would never meddle in your life, but I’ve stood aside for days hoping that you would come out of whatever this is, but yet here I find you looking worse than I’ve ever seen you. And that’s saying something.” She clutched her mug between her palms, pulling it closer to her chest. I watched her lips purse as she blew the steam across the space between us. We were merely feet away, but in that moment, we could have been oceans apart. What unsettled me the most about this conversation was, would she think I’d brought this on myself by marrying a man that harbored secrets like women collect shoes? Did I deserve this? I gave a subtle shake of my head, hoping to dislodge those thoughts before I started wallowing in self-pity, too.
“Talk to me, Hailey. It’s just two girls talking here. Three if you count the little one,” she said as her head nodded in the direction of Ellie’s bassinet. Strands of gray hair floated around Clema’s shoulders like a halo, and I suddenly felt determined to bare my deepest worries—that I would never be enough for Dominic, despite all of his reassurances.
“Do you know where Dominic is?” My words were laced with steel, my shoulders braced for the impact only her answer could penetrate.
“He said he was going to New York.” Her evasiveness didn’t elude me.
“But you know that’s not where he’s at.”
“I do. He didn’t tell me where he was going, only that he would be leaving again. I only have a hunch, but I’m sure he didn’t go back to New York. Do you know where he is?” Her voice was soft, coaxing, as if she didn’t want to ask too forcefully for fear that I’d shut down.
Dominic and Clema were always close, had been for years, so maybe this was a new development that he left her in the dark. Perhaps she didn’t like it any more than I did.
“I overheard him.” She nodded her head encouraging me to go on, while she took a sip of her tea. I grabbed my mug, staring at the brown liquid as if it held the answers to all my questions. “He’s in Greece.”
“And did you hear what he’s doing in Greece?”
I shook my head and bit back the tears beating behind my eyes, threatening to break free with the next subtle movement. Clema’s hand reached across the distance, clasping my knee, and it was like a raft sent to close the distance between us. Ellie was the twine tying us together. Clema was no longer Dominic’s but ours. I knew that whatever I shared now, she wouldn’t feel obligated to tell him, or wouldn’t use the knowledge against me in any way. She was loyal to each of us equally.
“It’s about his parents.”
“I’m assuming he’s not there for research?”
I shook my head no and the simple movement broke open the dam, letting the rush of emotion take me away with the tide. Tears swam across my cheeks, marking the path for more to follow, until an army of tears spanned the length of my face before dropping off at the base of my chin. Clema pulled me closer, cradling my head in her hands as she positioned my face upon her shoulder. Her embrace was welcoming, sheltering me from everything I’d learned and would have to face in the coming hours and days.
“It’s going to be OK, Hailey. It will.”
“No, no, it’s not Clema. Don’t you see? He’s gone from me. Even if he comes back, he’s no longer mine. Maybe he never was.” The fact that Dominic lied to me so casually, that he purposely avoided telling me what he had planned, or what he was doing associating with Sampson told me that things were far worse than I imagined. I thought maybe it was just the stress of the media that was getting to him, that he didn’t want to admit that what we’d seen thus far wasn’t the worst of it. But I never saw this coming.
“Shhh, don’t talk like that. Dominic loves you. He’s always loved you.”
“And I’ve never doubted that till now. I don’t know what I’m going to do, Clema,” I said. My head lifted in the direction of where Ellie slept peacefully. Clema’s head followed in the same direction and we both sat, folded together while we looked at my little girl. Everything I’d done since the moment I found out I was pregnant had been for her, her future. Could Dominic say the same thing?
I extinguished the tears from my face, banishing the liquid to be absorbed in my oversized tee that I’d had on since the previous day. Looking across the same clothes I wore yesterday, slept in last night, and still wore that morning, I was ashamed Clema was seeing me like this. Though with our history, this was far from my worst look.
“You have to do what is right for you, but Hailey, don’t make any rash decisions. I know you’re hurting now, but maybe it’s worth it to hear what Dominic has to say? What has your sister said?”
“I haven’t told her. I’m almost too afraid to know whether she knew this already. What does that say about our relationship, if Dominic can’t tell his own wife the truth, but Scout can happily share that information with my sister—a girl he’s probably only sleeping with at most.” I cringed after I realized what I let slip. I’m sure my sister wouldn’t appreciate me discussing her sex life with people that were nearly strangers to her, but at least I knew that my words would never make it out of that room.
“Pardon me for saying this, but that girl couldn’t keep her opinions to herself if she wanted to. So I’m sure you’re the first person she would have told if she knew what Scout and Dominic had planned. I’m in no position to kick you out, but you should get out. You should go to your sister, Hailey. This isn’t something you should be going through alone.”
***
“Did you know?” I asked, all form of pleasantries decimated as Jessa opened the door. I brushed inside, determined to get this co
nversation over with. I continued down the hallway and listened to the quiet click of the door being shut before Jessa followed me into the great room.
“Umm. Hello? What the hell’s up with you?”
I’d never been pushy with Jessa. Never. It’s not that I was scared of her, but Jessa had a personality that was larger than life, and even my shadow couldn’t outsize her. It wasn’t until I was standing my ground in her great room, absorbing all the air in the room with my anger, that I even stopped to wonder what I would say to her if she knew and didn’t tell me.
“Did Scout tell you where he and Dominic were going?”
“Why would he tell me where they were going? I’m not married to the guy.” She looked suspicious and another look crossed her face. What was it? Humiliation? Shyness? It was as if she’d just now realized why I’d asked her of all people what Scout and my husband were up to.
“Yes, I know,” I said acknowledging her unspoken question. “I don’t care about that shit right now. Although, you do have some explaining to do. I came here to find out what you know about their mission.”
“Mission? What the hell are you talking about, Hailey? You make it seem like they’re some secret-ops, Bond guys. Come on.”
“I know what it sounds like, but it’s the truth. Are you telling me Scout didn’t tell you?”
“He said he was going out of town and that he’d be gone a few days. I didn’t want to nag. It’s not like we’re exclusive or anything. Why? Where’d they go?”
“Maybe I should let Scout be the one to tell you.”
“No. You’re my sister. I’m asking you.”
“Yeah, well I can say the same thing to you. How could you not tell me about you and Scout? I had to hear it from Dominic.”
“Well it wasn’t Dominic’s place to say, and I didn’t want to muddle things. It’s already a little weird, don’t you think?”
“No. Not really. He’s not my cup of tea, but I would never tell you you couldn’t date him.”
“It’s whatever. Now tell me where they are.”
“Have I ever told you about his parents?”
“About how they went missing?” she asked with a raised brow, and I watched her try to piece the two subjects together.
“Yeah, well it sounds like someone specific is responsible. Scout and Dominic are taking care of it.”
“You mean? You mean Dominic’s going to kill someone?”
“Well, I don’t know—”
“Yes, you do. That’s why you’re here all frantic and stressed out. You know exactly what he’s doing. Give me a break, Hailey. You can’t keep covering for him. What’s it going to take for you to see? This wasn’t supposed to be your life. First, it’s kidnapping and now he’s graduating to murder? What’s next?” she shouted. Her voice rang out like church bells echoing in the greatness of the room.
“If you don’t understand, then I could never explain it to you.”
“You’re just making excuses for him.”
“I’m not. And how do you feel knowing what role Scout’s playing in all of this because, let me tell you Jessa, Dominic doesn’t have experience in these kinds of things. Scout does!”
“You’re married to Dominic. I hardly know Scout. There’s a difference. Scout’s doing a job. Dominic’s doing this for kicks.”
“So you think avenging his parents is just to get his fucking rocks off?”
“Look. Calm down. I don’t mean to fight with you, but I’m worried about what kind of life you’re going to have with him. You’ve already moved across the country. What’ll it be next? Halfway around the world? Will you go into hiding living out of some cave where I can only see you for a couple days out of the year? I know you have a family now, but what about the family you’re leaving behind? Wh-What about us?”
It wasn’t lost on me that those were the same words that Adam had said to me all those weeks ago when I called him. I just didn’t realize that my sister felt the same way. Coming from Adam, they sounded spiteful and jaded, but hearing Jessa speak these words with a hitch in her throat as if she would start sobbing at any moment, I couldn’t deny her feeling that way. If the roles were reversed, I would feel the same way.
“Jessa.” I moved toward her, sensing the break that was coming. This was about more than Dominic. This was about Jessa and the relationship that we’d once had. In the few short months since I’d moved to New York, our relationship had felt strained. Part of it was just a matter of us growing up and graduating college, but it also didn’t help that we’d picked up and moved clear across the country.
“Aren’t you scared?” Jessa whispered into my shoulder. I wrapped my arms around her, and I couldn’t tell who was holding up whom at that point. We both just seemed to lean together, propping the other up. It felt like at any moment we would both collapse from the heaviness of everything that had happened.
“I’m terrified. I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know how to be someone’s wife, let alone a wife to someone like Dominic. Maybe I don’t have the backbone to deal with this shit.”
“You’re the strongest person I know, Hailey, but part of being strong is knowing when to cut your losses.”
“How will I know when?”
“You’ll know, Hailey. You’ll know.”
As Jessa prepared lunch for us, we sat over plates of salmon and rice pilaf with broccoli, discussing my options. Now that she was calmer, she could see things from my point of view. It wasn’t so easy for me to up and leave Dominic. Aside from being in love with him, he was my husband and the father to my child. Even if I were to leave before he came back—which was nearly impossible, seeing as how his security would be the ones driving us to the airport—Dominic would find me. Hadn’t I found that it was always better to face him head-on than to run?
Our conversation returned to our mom’s suggestion to come visit after our trip in Italy.
“You should give her a call back,” Jessa suggested. I twirled my fork before scooping up another bite of rice. The tines of the fork scraped across the bottom of the plate as I responded. “Won’t that look like I’m running back home?”
“No one has to know you’re having problems with Dominic, and if you want, you can wait until he returns.”
“And you think he’s just going to let me go home without him?”
“Do you think he wouldn’t mind you going for a week?”
“I’m sure he would just be spying on me from a distance no matter what.”
“I don’t know how you do it,” Jessa said with a shake of her head. I watched her chew her food, hypnotized by the motion of her jaw rotating as her teeth ground her food down.
“What about the situation with Adam?”
“Honestly, I think you need to get to the bottom of that. Right now, you should be more worried about how he found out than how he’s going to receive you when you return home.”
“He’s not going to tell me.”
“You’ll never know if you don’t ask. You’ve both had a couple of weeks to calm down. I think you should call him.”
“I don’t know,” I said as I aimlessly pushed the rice around the plate. Jessa was right, I did need to call him, not only to get to the bottom of what he knew, but because there was a strong chance that I would be back home, at least for a short while, and I needed things to be somewhat normal. It sounded like Mom and Dad could use some normal in their lives as well.
“Maybe after lunch.”
When I met Jessa’s eyes across the table it looked like I would be making that call whether I wanted to or not.
***
Deja-vu wasn’t a strong enough descriptor to describe the situation I found myself in again. Jessa and I sat across each other at the table while I tapped my nails against the phone resting in my palm. The table was different and we were calling from Italy instead of New York, but everything else was the same. I held the same fear in my hands as sweat lined the creases, pooling with all of the things that I woul
d say or learn.
“Here,” Jessa said as she leaned toward the table and removed her phone from her back pocket. “How about we call from my phone?” She unlocked her phone and with a thoughtless press of a couple buttons, the phone rang out in the center of the table.
Adam picked up after the third ring. Rustling came through the line followed by his hazy voice, thick with sleep.
“Hello?”
“Adam. It’s Jessa and Hailey…”
“Do you know what time it is?” There was more rustling. Jessa and I looked at the clock in the kitchen, Jessa gave an “oops” look before she refocused her attention on the phone on the table.
“Get over it. We’ve stayed up later than this pulling all-nighters.”
“It’s five in the fucking morning Jess. Whatever you and she have to say can at least wait a couple more hours.”
“So is that how you refer to me now? She?”
Adam groaned, probably realizing that there was no way he was getting let off the hook that easily now. I liked that we caught him off guard. Maybe he would readily tell the truth just to get back to sleep.
“Is this what you called to talk about? How I refer to you?”
“What happened to us Adam? We were close. You’re my brother.” I leaned over the table, my head hung over the phone as I whispered. It felt like all of my sadness spilled into the words that had haunted me since I returned home all those months ago. He had changed, we had changed, and I feared that my once obnoxious, funny, loveable, and kind brother was now torn from me. All that remained of what we shared were memories.
“Ask your husband.”
