First Lady

by Blayne Cooper

  Looking very introspective, Dev remained quiet for a moment, feeling the tears born of exhaustion and frustration that wanted to come, but forcing them back before she spoke. Finally, she nodded. “I know I should do that, but I don’t have a choice. I have things that have to be done.” Her voice had taken a resolute quality that meant her mind was made up.

  Lauren sighed. “You do have a choice. Devlyn—”

  “I’ll try to be in bed before midnight.” Dev dared a glance at Lauren and was relieved to see nothing but concern shining in her partner’s eyes. “Could you do your chicken-shit spouse a favor and deal with the kids tonight? I’ll make it up to them at breakfast tomorrow. And see that Ashley gets her dinner and works on her project. I’ll call her troop leader if I have to.”

  "Of course, honey, but—" Before she could finish her thought, Devlyn stood up, her dinner untouched, and stalked from the room, leaving Lauren alone at the table. She blinked, and then let out a long breath. Her stomach was in knots. "Well….” Another breath as she tossed her napkin on the table. “That went well."

  * * *

  Friday, August 5, 2022

  THE WOMEN WERE talking across their chessboard, a fire in the fireplace lighting their play and sending long, dancing shadows against the paneled walls. A good night’s sleep had restored Devlyn’s good mood and cured her headache. A few kisses and promises to spend some extra time with the children had gone a long way towards mending hurt feelings.

  Lauren leaned forward, placing her elbows on her knees. They hadn’t talked like this in a while, she realized. The conversation was easy and honest and reminded her very much of her first few months in the White House, when Devlyn had made such an effort to answer questions for the biography and special time had been set aside for them alone to discuss all manner of subjects. It was those private glimpses of the woman behind the office that had captured Lauren’s heart so completely. And when I fell in love.

  “It’s your move.”

  That low, familiar voice washed over her and Lauren looked up from the board and smiled. “I know. I was just thinking.” Gray eyes sparkled with happiness.

  “Mmm… But not about the game.”

  Lauren’s grin turned sheepish. “No.”

  “I’m not really into it either.” Dev gently set down the pawn she’d been twirling between her fingers. “Let’s save you beating the snot out of me for another day.”

  “How did it feel being sworn in?” Lauren asked suddenly, giving Devlyn some idea as to where her thoughts had been. “I can’t really imagine what it must have been like, standing there, the entire country watching while your political dreams became a reality.”

  “On the record?”

  “Hmm… Please.” Lauren leaned forward a little in anticipation.

  “Professionally, it was nirvana.” Dev smiled and her eyes went unfocused as she thought and sipped her herbal tea. It was a concoction given to her by the Chinese ambassador, along with the assurance it would ease the stresses of even her job. “I knew from the age of 12 that I wanted to be President. The part that seems so odd, but normal to me, is that even then, I was certain I could do it. So I set out to make it happen. That day, on the steps of Congress,” she sighed wistfully, “It was the culmination of a lifetime of work.” She glanced over at Lauren. “It was the first moment when I could really feel what I had accomplished and how far I’d come, you know?”

  Lauren just smiled. She didn’t know. Not really. But Devlyn’s enthusiasm was nothing if not infectious.

  “Being sworn in was probably the greatest moment of my professional career. I felt like I was going to float away.” Then Dev’s expression grew more contemplative as her thoughts shifted to the present. “I’m at the top of my game, Lauren. I have the chance to do so much. To really make a difference.”

  A chill ran down Lauren’s spine at the fiery tone in Devlyn’s voice.

  “Politically, nothing else I do will ever be as important as what I’m doing right here, right now.”

  Lauren’s smile grew. It was commonly accepted, even among her critics, that Devlyn’s accomplishments in her first year and half in office were immense, already ranking her among the most influential presidents of the last one hundred years. But that success exacted a hefty price that Devlyn and those around her paid every single day and, at times, Lauren was hard pressed not to resent the job completely.

  “But,” Dev shifted a little in her chair, setting down her mug, “while that was the best day professionally, it still pales in comparison to some of my private ones. When the kids were born, for instance.” Her eyes took on a happy twinkle. “I have never felt so wonderful as I did the first time I held my children.” A thousand-watt smile lit her face. “Those tiny little people, depending on me to take care of them and make everything all right.”

  Lauren took another sip of her tea, careful not to drink the steaming hot liquid too quickly. Her brows knitted as she carefully regarded Devlyn, whose expression had changed dramatically. "What is it?" Her voice was soft and low.

  Dev licked her lips and fidgeted a little in her seat. "What's what?"

  "That face." Lauren reached out and tenderly drew her finger across Devlyn’s lower lip. "You only do that thing with your lip when you’re upset." She carefully set her drink down on the table next to the chessboard. "What's the matter?"

  "I'm not upset." Clearing her throat, Devlyn anxiously met her partner’s eyes. "Talking about the children just got me to thinking, that’s all.” Her fidgeting became more pronounced. “We’ve never really talked about having more kids.”

  “True. I mean, there’s not really anything—” Then Lauren stopped as the seriousness of Devlyn’s expression hit home. She felt her heart rate pick up a little. "Wh—? I don’t… Oh," she said finally, as all the air in her lungs exited in a giant explosion. She couldn’t have been more surprised if Devlyn had just announced she’d decided to quit politics and join the circus. “Is that something you’d like to talk about now?”

  “Yes.”

  “Jesus!”

  “That’s not exactly the reaction I’d been hoping for.” Dev tried not to think about how much Lauren’s answer mattered to her. “Are you okay?”

  “I’m sorry.” Lauren shook her head as if to clear it. “I just… Is that something you’d ever want? More children?"

  Slowly, Dev nodded, as she studied Lauren’s reactions with growing fear. "Actually, I had hoped to have a couple more. But I'm not really sure how you feel about it."

  “How could I not know this?” Feeling deeply adrift, Lauren began to gesture wildly with her hands and asked, "Why haven’t you ever mentioned this before?"

  Devlyn scratched her jaw. “That's a good question that I don’t have a good answer for,” she admitted honestly. Her posture grew more rigid even as she tried to relax. “I guess it's because, deep down, I already know how you feel about it. I mean, the kids we have are a handful for someone who doesn't have a lot of parenting under their belt."

  Lauren tried not to let that last part sting. She didn’t really see this as having much to do with whether the kids were a handful or not or how much parenting experience she had. "I love the kids. You know that. And I’m doing my best.”

  "I know that.” Dev winced internally as she realized how Lauren had interpreted her words. “I didn’t mean I thought it was something you couldn’t handle."

  “I can see that.”

  “Lauren… I didn’t mean it that way. Really.” Feeling even worse, Dev tried to lighten the mood by chuckling weakly. "But let's face it, the kids do have their moments. I know they’re a lot to deal with. For anyone."

  Lauren leaned back in her chair, blinking dazedly, as her mind raced. Part of her was angry and hurt that Devlyn’s desire to have a bigger family was something she hadn’t imagined. Another part of her was sickened by the thought that she could be the one to dash Dev’s hopes for the future. Her stomach lurched a little. "I... I hadn't really thought abou
t having more children,” she finally said. “I just assumed that Ashley, Chris, and Aaron were all the kids you wanted."

  "I had hoped for a big family." Gingerly, she leaned forward and stroked Lauren’s arm, not sure whether they were having an argument or not. "I promised my dad I would talk to you about this, Lauren, because he said that you deserved the opportunity to tell me how you felt so that we could work it out. Rather than my assuming I knew what you wanted. I think he was right."

  Lauren pulled away. "I can't believe you were discussing this with your father when you hadn’t even spoken to me about it. God, I feel like you intentionally waited until after the wedding to spring this on me, Devlyn. We’ve been together for months, and you never said a single word.” Some frustration spilled over and her voice rose a notch. “Not even a hint!"

  Dev’s lips thinned. "That's not it at all. My dad brought it up when we were in Scotland. I told him how I thought you felt and that I was just going to leave it alone. He's the one who said I should…” Without warning, Devlyn withdrew. “Lauren, honey, I know you don't want more children and that’s fine. Yes, I'm a little disappointed. But I'll live. What you want is just as important as what I want and we already have three great kids. I can be happy with three."

  "Scotland was months ago. And long before the wedding.”

  “I know.” Devlyn threw her hands in the air. “Why are you focusing on the when and not the what of what I’m saying? I’m talking about this with you now. The only reason I didn’t do it before was because I thought I already knew how you’d feel. Lately you’ve been so great with the kids and you seem really happy. But I know—”

  “Don’t. Don’t say that.” Lauren’s temper began to get the better of her and this time she didn’t try to censor herself. “You don't know what I want because until now you haven't bothered to ask me! Where did this master plan for a huge family come from?" Her gaze suddenly cooled as her own jealousies and insecurities flared. "This was something you had planned with Samantha, wasn't it?"

  Dev sat back and closed her eyes, feeling her own ire rise. If it were anyone other than Lauren bringing Sam into this conversation she would have taken his or her head off. "No, this is something I’ve always wanted. Me. Not Sam. Not my parents. Me.”

  Lauren bit her lip hard to keep from interrupting. In her heart she knew it was foolish, but she couldn’t stand feeling like the “replacement wife” for Samantha.

  Dev shifted into full persuasion mode. “I love children. I want a house full of them. I'm sorry that I didn't ask you before now, but considering that for the first six months of this year I've been in the air more than I've been home, I never thought the time was right for a conversation that I knew was going to be difficult."

  Lauren looked at Devlyn as though she was seeing a stranger. "That's an excuse you wouldn't put up with from anyone else, Devlyn, including me. And you know it."

  “Shit! I don’t understand why you’re getting angry with me.” Devlyn’s breathing was coming faster now. “I want to have a bigger family with you because I love kids and I love you! What in the hell is so wrong with that?”

  “You’re not getting it. Devlyn, I’m not upset because you want more children. I feel like you’re keeping things from me and making decisions on my behalf without me even knowing it. I thought I knew you better than that. I should know you better than that,” she admitted softly.

  "I shouldn’t have assumed I knew what you’d say. This is something I want us to talk about and decide on together. I apologize for not bringing it up sooner.”

  What else do you want her to say? She’s apologized. Let it go. Lauren sighed. "Look, Devlyn, you've just thrown me. C’mon.” She stood up and retrieved her cooling mug of tea. “Let’s go sit on the sofa together.” She offered her hand to Devlyn, who took it with an audible sigh of relief, and the women made their way to a small, comfortable leather sofa that sat facing the fireplace. "I’ve never thought about having a big family, much less being a step parent to three." She lifted an eyebrow and forced a tiny smile. "And we really need to talk about what the word 'big' means, okay?"

  Grateful for the effort, Devlyn tried for a smile of her own. “You already think we have big?”

  Lauren nodded and sat down, feeling the sofa shift as Devlyn dropped down next to her. “Huge.”

  Devlyn chuckled. “Oh, boy.”

  “I accept your apology, okay?” Lauren looked a little heartsick. “But I need to say some things to you that I don’t think you’re going to want to hear.”

  Devlyn’s heart started to hammer in her chest. “You don’t want—?”

  “Please, honey.” Lauren pressed her fingers against Devlyn’s mouth. “Let me talk?”

  Mutely, Dev nodded.

  Satisfied, Lauren said, "I love your children more than I thought possible. And that makes me consider things that I never had the guts to really think of before.” She licked her lips nervously. “Judd and I talked about having a family. We decided not to.” Seeing that Devlyn wasn’t going to try to interrupt, Lauren removed her fingers from Dev’s mouth.

  “There were lots of reasons we didn’t have children. But one of the big ones was that we were both so busy with our careers.”

  She could hear Devlyn’s dry swallow, and so she spoke a little faster. “With the way we lived our lives, there was never enough time. I was never home. I never wanted to be home. Devlyn, we both had other commitments that we weren’t ready to give up." Lauren’s gaze strayed from Devlyn’s face for a split second as she gathered her courage. Then she glanced back. “I don’t see that our situation is any different right now.”

  The words hit Devlyn like a ton of bricks, and she sucked in a painful breath.

  “I’m sorry,” Lauren said, her voice catching. “I don’t know how I’ll feel in the future. But that’s how I feel right this second.”

  Dev’s jaw worked for a moment before she spoke. And when she did, Lauren knew that she was profoundly hurt. "I'm too busy, I know.” She swallowed hard, feeling her throat closing. "But I'm not a bad mother," she defended quietly. "I'm not."

  “Of course you’re not!” Lauren grasped Devlyn’s hand and held it against her own chest. “But, honey,” her eyes conveyed her regret, “you’re a wonderful mother who doesn't have enough time to give her children as it is. There are only so many hours in the day. It’s past mid-night now, because this was the only quiet time we could find. Emma is a wonderful help, but that’s just not enough.”

  Devlyn gave a quick nod. She couldn’t dispute what was so plainly the truth. "I know.”

  Lauren scrubbed her face. "Then... I… I'm confused. I know that nobody understands how busy you are more than you do.” Her forehead creased. “You just couldn’t think you could be pregnant while you were president, Devlyn?” Lauren began to panic a little, knowing that Devlyn was stubborn enough to try just that. “That would be impossible! You barely sleep and if Emma didn’t hound you like a demon with a spatula, you’d eat Oreos for half your meals and skip the other half. What baby could survive that? God, I’d worry about you both every single second!"

  "There is the possibility of you actually having the child, you know." Dev couldn't help her wistful smile. The mental image of a very pregnant Lauren was one that lived happily in the corner of her mind. She knew her partner would be beautiful, as would the child. "You would be enchanting."

  Lauren snorted softly. "Nice try, but I can't imagine going to bed with some stranger. Sure, he’d have to be handsome and all, but—" She smiled when Devlyn nearly shot off the sofa, glad for a teensy bit of humor during a painful conversation.

  “What the—?”

  “I’m just kidding, Devil. Jeeze, stop scowling like that, it’s not like it would ever happen.” She dragged Devlyn back down onto the couch next to her and waited until she was settled in and her horrified look had dissolved before speaking. Then Lauren’s tone grew very serious. "Loving a child and physically having one are two very different
things. And I can tell you with 100% certainty that I don't want to give birth, Devlyn.”

  The older woman’s posture immediately deflated.

  “I'm sorry, honey. That’s just not something I want for myself." Worriedly, she searched Devlyn's face, which for once was utterly unreadable. Feeling her chest start to constrict she fought to explain herself. "Mama’s depression is genetic. What if I passed that on? I couldn’t live with myself after that. And you know how I feel about doctors and needles, and the thought of some stranger's sperm being inserted into me with some probe or something." She shivered, her face turning a pasty white as she envisioned a doctor, his face covered with a mask, leaning over her to…. "I—"

  Dev’s own face suddenly paled, and she shot up from the sofa, drawing a startled yelp from Lauren. She began to pace, and Lauren felt herself growing more and more frightened with every step.

  “Why do I have a feeling this conversation is about to take a surprising turn?”

  Devlyn cringed and stuffed her hands into her pockets. “Because it is?”

  “Oh, Lord.” Lauren’s eyes widened.

  Devlyn dropped down on her knees in front of Lauren and took her hands. “It’s not that bad, truly.” She chose her next words very carefully, already knowing that she was on thin ice. Despite her care, however, she braced herself for what she figured would be Round Two with her spouse. "I understand that you might not want to have children yourself, sweetheart.”

  Lauren let out a shaky breath. “I’m sorry,” she whispered. “I just don’t. A baby would take even more constant care than the kids do now. I wouldn’t want someone else to do it, and I wouldn’t be a good stay at home mom, Devlyn. That’s just not me.”