by Laurie Lewis
Pepper’s thoughtfulness touched Olivia. She finally noticed the neon-blue Spandex and running shoes the psychologist was wearing. “Don’t tell me,” she said when she opened the door. “The new plan to keep Portland weird is to dress up the medical community like glow sticks?”
Pepper strolled in and did a turn. “I do my best counseling while walking. A nice stroll along the beach helps us relieve tension and talk through our fears. After our phone conversation, I’d say we need a lo-o-ong brisk walk today.”
Pepper’s cut-to-the-chase style unnerved Olivia. “You make it sound like I’m an emergency case.”
“You’re more of a hider than a jumper.”
Olivia was flustered as she left to change and still bothered when she returned dressed for their walk. “You’re bound by that physicians’ code of confidentiality, right? You’re not chitchatting with Hudson about anything we discuss?”
“Oohhh. Touchy. Of course not, but I do find it interesting that your first concern is Hudson, a man you can’t stand.”
“You’re twisting my words.”
“Am I? Have you decided that he’s not responsible for ruining your life?”
“I jumped to conclusions.”
“Glad to hear it, because he’s the real deal, Liv. A good man. Someone who loves people, even when they don’t deserve it.”
Olivia paled. “I thought therapists were supposed to be caring and sympathetic.”
“I’m not that kind of therapist.”
“Clearly. Do your other clients respond well to this snarky nature?”
“Actually, they do.” Pepper’s characteristic sarcasm vanished. “Most of my clients are teens. I run an outdoor behavioral counseling program. We take troubled kids on high adventure outings and challenge them to work together and trust others, to push physical limits instead of chemical ones and see what they are really capable of.”
A discomforting chill snaked up Olivia’s back. “I don’t need that. I just need to tackle my fear of driving so I can move on.”
Pepper sat down beside her and took her hand. “We’ll get to that, but I think you’re afraid of a lot more than vehicles and traffic.”
Olivia bit her trembling lip to still it. “Please don’t dig up any more of my past. I’ve been doing really well lately. I just want to move forward.”
“Liv, there is no true forward if you’re always looking in the rearview mirror. You don’t need to run from or forget the last eight years. Deal with whatever joy or pain they brought you once and for all. It’s okay to be angry at Jeff or to dislike Hudson.”
“It’s not that simple.”
“The very things you want to forget are the experiences that have brought you where you are and in many ways, made you who you are—which from where I’m sitting is a very good person.” Pepper’s voice softened to almost a whisper. “Face your fear, Liv. You’re brave enough to handle it and whatever else comes your way. You just need to believe that.”
Olivia’s gaze hit the floor.
“Let’s stretch out those muscles before we begin, shall we?”
Pepper all but twisted herself into a pretzel while Olivia dared only lean against the wall to stretch out her calves. After a few moments, she broke the silence. “For the record, I don’t hate Hudson.”
“I know.”
“Then why did you say that?”
“To provoke you. Confession is the first step to healing.”
“I hate therapy.”
“So did I.”
Olivia’s head shot around to face her. “You needed therapy?”
Pepper nodded. “I’m proof of what a few years of excavation can do for the soul.”
Olivia rolled her eyes, and the pair headed out for the beach. Pepper pressed Olivia to talk about Jeff and their marriage, and then she raised the topic of Hudson and their relationship. Olivia talked and cried as they walked short distances up and down the beach to Haystack Rock and back. When Olivia’s legs grew weak, Pepper led them to a quiet spot on a downed tree to rest before returning to the house.
“Tell me what you’re feeling right now.”
Olivia knew that admission would be as painful as the conversation itself. She wrapped her arms around her midsection and bent forward.
“Being angry or sad or admitting that someone hurt you doesn’t make you a bad person. You’re allowed to make your own happiness a priority sometimes,” Pepper urged.
Seconds ticked by as Olivia finger-combed her tangled hair, stalling. It availed her nothing. The redhead was a master at waiting.
“I’ll tell you what. If you answer my question, I’ll answer one of yours. Deal?”
Olivia nodded and blew out another rush of air. “Okay. Here goes. Jeff was always surrounded by beautiful women. I wish I knew why he chose me.”
“You’re also a beautiful woman, Liv.”
She shook her head. “Not like them. I tried to mimic them.” She chuckled sadly.
“To impress Jeff?”
Another sad laugh preceded a tearful confession. “I wasn’t trying to compete for him. It was an experiment, a game I guess, to prove to myself that I wasn’t an ugly duckling anymore.”
“It worked. You caught his eye.”
“That wasn’t my intention. I think we each knew early on that the marriage was a big mistake.” She raised her head and faced Pepper. “Why didn’t he leave if he was so unhappy?”
Pepper placed her arm around Olivia and rubbed her back. “Why didn’t you?”
“I don’t know.”
“Yes, you do.”
Another groan of agony. “Guilt and pride, I guess. My mother married a man for security, not love. I didn’t want to admit I had been equally shallow. Jeff and I were colleagues; he didn’t love me like a man should love his wife. And I didn’t love him.” She fiddled with the handle of her cane. “And I’m angry at myself for staying in a marriage that made me feel like a disappointment. Someone else might have truly wanted me.”
“There’s plenty of time to make a new life.”
Olivia blinked rapidly and took a long breath. “I’ve unfairly blamed Hudson. I had no right to be angry at him. We blindsided him. We ruined things.” The last admission drained her. She folded over her knees again and twisted her hair into a knot.
Pepper’s voice lowered and slowed. “Are you truly being honest now? Because I think you were angry at Hudson. You just haven’t been honest about the reason.”
The comment sent a shockwave through Olivia’s heart. It was true. She had been angry at Hudson, but not because he stole the company. It was for something too personal and buried too deep to excavate today. She rolled her lips inward and clamped down, ending the discussion.
Pepper’s hand moved to Olivia’s shoulder and gave it a gentle squeeze. “Don’t feel guilty about wanting to be happy.”
Olivia shrugged. “Your turn. You owe me one answer. Tell me about you and Hudson.”
“I always pay my debts,” began Pepper. “Hudson and I met at grad school in New York. I spent the summer before in rehab, but my parents thought a rigorous pre-med program would refocus my attention, and I was more than anxious to disprove their theory. Hudson had his own thing bogging him down when we met. We were two lost souls bemoaning life, who knew each other for about thirty minutes when we decided to throw in the towel, scrub school, and buy tickets for Mexico.”
“Just like that?”
“Yep. Just like that.”
“So what did you do?”
“We nearly killed ourselves.”
Olivia gasped. “Suicide?”
“No. Stupidity. Equally dangerous.”
Olivia straightened. “Wait. When was this?”
Pepper hesitated. “A long time ago.”
“But what year?” pressed Olivia. “I was just trying to put this in context to when—”
“—when you and Jeff waylaid him?”
Olivia felt her face burn from a mixture of anger and embarrassment. �
��You know, you can be a real piece of work, Pepper.”
“Just keeping it honest.” She tilted her head to the side and offered a half-smile. “So, getting back to the story … I slipped off on my own for an hour, found a dealer, and ended up wasted in some shack. Hudson scoured Puerto Vallarta for three days looking for me. He saved my life.” She tipped her head back and stared at the sky. “He stayed holed up in a hotel with me during the terrible days I detoxed. He only left me to buy food and bottled water, but somewhere along the way he picked up bacteria and became severely dehydrated. He nearly died.”
Pepper met Olivia’s gaze. “It was so bad; he couldn’t keep anything in. His face was so hollowed, and his eyes were ringed with dark circles. I was terrified.”
“So you took him to the hospital?”
She closed her eyes and shook her head. “I’m not proud of how I handled things. I was afraid they’d arrest me and toss me in a Mexican jail. Remember when I said he even cares about people he shouldn’t? I was talking about me, Liv. Not you. I pooled all the cash we had left and hired a local nurse to take care of us. Her name was Alejandra.”
Olivia recognized the name. “Hudson’s personal assistant?”
“The same. She and her kids literally kept us alive. And she was tough. A day never passed that she didn’t remind us of our foolishness and promised we would get well. When Hudson got his company going, he hired her. Next to his parents, Alejandra’s the person Hudson trusts most.”
“Followed by you.”
“I’d like to think so.”
Olivia regretted her absence from that list. “Where were his parents during all of this?”
“They flew down, tore into us for being so reckless, and brought us home.”
“To school?”
“No. Back to Portland. Hudson’s body healed, but the rest of him was a mess for quite a while.” She looked up at Olivia. “We learned some precious lessons on that trip. I reapplied, got into med school, and switched my focus to psychology. Hudson launched The Bauer Group and hired Alejandra to help him choose good people he could trust to run each division.” Pure love washed over Pepper’s face. “Most amazing to me is that he forgave me.”
Olivia’s eyes teared as she watched Pepper’s unabashed adoration. She knew every word was true. “You are in love with him, aren’t you?”
The question didn’t surprise Pepper. She tipped her chin up and raised her eyebrows. “Guilty as charged, but I figured out a long time ago that it was a fruitless position, so I did what you did. I married someone else, hoping they’d love me the way I wanted to be loved by Hudson.”
The comparison caused Olivia to draw back, feeling as if her heart had been split open. “I never said—”
In true Pepper style, she switched from serious to playfully snarky. “Well, we’ve made good progress today, and the way ahead should be a bit clearer now.”
Olivia knew that wasn’t completely true. The day had only muddled her emotions even more. Trouble loomed for Hudson, and Olivia was the cause.
11
Labor Day was lonely for Olivia, who watched throngs of happy families frolicking on the beach below the deck while she worked. She was grateful Ethan made her the lead on the Syrian Refugee Microbusiness Project. It kept her busy producing materials that supported the weavers, painters, potters, jewelry makers, and other refugee artisans. Helping these victims of war rebuild their lives was deeply satisfying work and one of Hudson’s favorite investments. Working on it made her feel closer to him somehow and to the person she once was.
Ethan arranged for an October trip to Turkey so Olivia and a photographer could travel to the camps to interview the new business owners. After rushing to get her first passport, a terrorist plot in early September forced the cancellation of the trip before the document ever arrived. For the first time, she considered the danger Hudson and his philanthropic team placed themselves in to serve the people and causes he loved. And she was now a part of that team and that threat.
Laurel’s employment as Olivia’s caretaker neared an end, and Olivia was about to be on her own. It was a daunting thought. Her mother had called the moves until the day Olivia boarded the plane for Seattle and college. The shy, nerdy coed connected with Hudson during the first week of school, and they became tied at the hip from that moment on … until she succumbed to Jeff’s proposal and began a new dependency.
There were some exciting elements to being independence. She was employed and making good money, so previously unimagined possibilities were now available to her, but she was also the master of her future and solely responsible for it. It was terrifyingly intriguing. She needed Laurel to hold her hand through a few more firsts before launching into the world
Her back cried for a good stretch. Long, lean arms, tanned brown from all the beach walking she had been doing the last two weeks, reached high and wide as she yawned. A tender twinge here and there reminded her that she was weak and still recovering, but it felt good to be free of braces and wraps.
Two scars remained freshly pink on her forehead and cheek. Though healing nicely, they were daily, permanent reminders of the accident, making it hard to look in the mirror without thinking about the past and Jeff.
By the time her alarm rang, she was already up and dressed in exercise clothes—black yoga pants and a white T-shirt, with her straight, dark hair neatly corralled in a ponytail. She counted it as a rather stellar accomplishment, since Laurel had rarely arrived to even find her awake. But this time, she was scrambling eggs in a bowl when the door opened.
“Well, look at you!”
“And I have a few ideas for today.”
A broad smile stretched across Laurel’s face. “I’m so proud of you.” She pulled up a barstool and sat at the counter. “So … have you had any luck cracking the code on that bank deposit key?”
“No, and it haunts me. Whatever is in that box must be important if Jeff carried that key in his wallet.”
“What if what you find there just causes you more pain?”
“Nothing can be worse than wondering for the rest of my life.”
Laurel drew circles through a water droplet on the counter. “I suppose.”
“What made you bring the key up?”
“Just curious. So, tell me about your plans. I thought we were going apartment hunting.”
Olivia scrunched her nose and leaned against the counter. “Before I leave this house and killer view, I need to find a beautiful, peaceful replacement place I can go to when I need to have a good cry. Tell me about that place you and Ben hike into with Joey.”
“Short Sands Beach at Oswald Park? Yeah, it’s gorgeous there.” Her hand stretched forward as if she were pointing to the places she was describing. “A white, sandy beach cove, forested cliffs, the tidal basin.” She rested her elbows on the counter and leaned in. “There’s this deep cave that sits near a waterfall that tumbles down into the tidal basin.” A swoon broke as she closed her eyes. “I’ve had fantasies about going all Tarzan and Jane in that cave with Ben,” she sighed, returning to reality, “but we generally go packing our five-year-old chaperone, so we search for starfish and anemones instead. No complaints. It’s Joey’s favorite place, too. Just off Highway 101.”
“Let’s go there today.”
Laurel leaned back and eyed Olivia. “It’s a half-mile hike along a mountain wall. I don’t think you’re ready for that.”
“You take Joey there while wearing backpacks, so it can’t be too dangerous.”
“But Ben and I watch Joey every second, and his legs never tire. You’ve just been released from physical therapy. You might make it down to the beach okay, but it’s all uphill on the return, and no cars can reach us if you wear out. It’s hike-in-and-hike-out only.”
“We’ve done two miles on the beach. Surely I can make a half-mile decline, and then I can rest. And on the way out, aren’t there places to stop for a minute if I do get tired?”
“You stop and rest all th
e time on the beach. There are only a few spots on that mountain, Olivia. And only one pull-off to let people pass.”
Olivia was already up and grabbing a backpack off a chair. “I found this pack in the garage. I packed two water bottles, grapes, and two sandwiches. Let’s go.”
“I …”
She turned and shot Laurel a kilowatt smile. “Trust me. I can do this, Laurel. I feel great.”
Olivia missed Laurel’s anguished groan when she hurried out the door and into the driver’s seat, waiting for her reluctant partner. Laurel rounded her shoulders in defeat, gawking at her through the passenger door.
“You’re planning to drive? Down the highway? You’ve only driven up and down the access road since the accident. Transition into these things, Olivia. I can come for a few hours next week, and we’ll take things slow. Why be foolhardy?”
Olivia twisted the steering wheel in her sweaty hands. “I need to know that I can stand on my own two feet. I need to be able to get where I need to go, and that means I need to drive on the highway, not just merely downtown. I can’t expect to be chauffeured around forever.”
“This is a bad idea. I’ll make a deal with you. Let me drive on the way to the trail, and you can drive back if you feel up to it. Deal?”
“All right, but I don’t have a death wish. For the first time in a long time, I’m excited about life, but I want a full life. Not some anemic version of one.”
“All in due time. Now switch seats with me.”
The two headed for Highway 101. Olivia’s breathing rate was still ramped up, and her heart pounded every time a truck sped by or a car passed. She hoped Laurel couldn’t tell what was happening inside her in those instances when the image that flashed across the screen of her mind was the moment of impact between Jeff and the truck.
“The parking pull-off is just ahead,” Laurel said with dread in her voice as she slowed and pulled in. A small sign confirmed their arrival at the trailhead to Short Sands Beach, but all she could see was a short stretch of dirt trail that disappeared into a thick curtain of foliage. She swallowed her apprehension and gathered her pack. With a bright smile of false confidence, she exited the car and waited at the trailhead for Laurel, who gave her a final, raised-eyebrow exit offer, which Olivia ignored as she moved into the woods.
