by Jeff Adams
“We’d make great dads. You’re half of this, you know.”
I shrugged as I wrapped the dough in plastic to let it rest in the fridge. “If I’m ever home enough.”
I pulled the pasta machine out from its cabinet and set it up. I had my own unique take on corkscrew pasta, which I made for mac and cheese. It wasn’t the usual for this dish, but we liked how much cheese stuck to the spirals.
“It won’t be like this forever,” Leo said, as he put the extra bacon away. “Eventually you’ll be able to set your own schedule so you can be home more.”
“Will I?” The discussion I’d had with my dad really made me question this. “My dad was really never home. That’s just the way it was when I was a kid. Mom dealt with everything. It’s not the life I want, but it seems to be what he expects.”
“If it’s not what you want, find another firm. Do something else.”
I snorted, the absurdity made me laugh, even though I knew I shouldn’t. If only it was as simple as saying it.
“Fuck you,” Leo said, confirming my reaction was the wrong one.
He slammed the skillet down on the stovetop and I thought he might rip the knob off as he lit the burner. When he reached for the cutting board full of bacon pieces I caught his arm and pulled him to me.
“Sorry. I didn’t mean for that to sound like it did.” I kissed him. “I can’t imagine having that discussion with him. He’s always been so into having me in the business. Telling him I didn’t want to go back on site tomorrow started another argument.” Leo’s anger fell away as I held him. “He’d probably blow out windows yelling if I told him I was leaving the firm.”
Leo squeezed me in a hug, before returning to his task.
“I didn’t mean to snap. You know I wish you were around more—I wish we both were. And you’re right, I can’t imagine how that chat would go with your dad. It was silly to suggest it.”
“Not silly. Completely reasonable. Maybe I just need to grow the balls to do it. I’m good at what I do and he doesn’t have a monopoly on architecture firms.”
The bacon hit the screaming hot pan and began to sizzle. I inhaled as the bacon smell filled the kitchen. There was no better cooking smell, except maybe cookies in the oven.
“It’d be cool if we had more time,” Leo said. “I could cut back, stop going to Wilkes-Barre and only work with the Penguins.”
“You could do that?”
“Absolutely. I pick up that extra work to keep me busy so I don’t miss you quite as much.”
“Maybe it is time to switch things up,” I said quietly, as if saying it too loud might allow it to reach my father’s ears.
I retrieved the dough and it was a good consistency. I began feeding it into the machine as Leo got the cheeses from the fridge—cheddar, pepper jack and feta—to grate them.
“I’ll back whatever you think is best,” he said as I stole a quick glance at his arm muscles flexing as he worked on the cheese. “I’m all for getting time to do the things we want, including starting a family. I certainly got an earful last weekend asking why we’re not married.”
I talked louder over the pasta machine as I continued to feed it dough. “Really? Why do we have to get married? Isn’t ten years together long enough to show that we’re permanent?”
I hated this discussion. It’d been a while since it came up. Why was it so important to slap that label on it? So many people had long-term commitments that didn’t involve any kind of formal declaration or documents.
“My parents are certainly angling for three married sons.”
“Marriage didn’t do much for my parents. Sometimes I can’t even tell they’re married.”
“But look at Simon and Alex.” Leo stopped grating and turned my direction, which made me stop the pasta machine. “Don’t you think they seem tighter since they got married?”
“Are you saying we’re not tight?” I fought my instinct to snap at him.
“No. But I’m saying there are events that draw a couple closer together. Eric and Sean say it was a meaningful day for them when they went from being committed to being married. Don’t you want that?”
I went to Leo and put my hands on his shoulders. “I want you. You mean the world to me. But I don’t see the point of spending the time and money to do a whole big thing when at the end of the day nothing changes between us.”
“I want you, too. I love you. But.” Leo stopped short and moved to rest his chin on my shoulder.
“But?”
He sighed and stepped back, grabbing a wooden spoon to stir the bacon.
“I don’t know. Some days I feel like we’re little more than roommates. Like I said, I love you, and I want to spend my life with you. I think you feel the same way about me. The way we live right now, though, I don’t always feel as connected to you as I think I should.”
“And you think getting married would solve that? Just having a piece of paper?”
“I don’t know.” The disappointment in Leo’s voice rang in my ears. “When you put it that way, I guess not.”
I returned to my pasta duties. “We’ll get it figured out. Marriage talk aside, I don’t like how we’re living right now. It’s not what I envisioned.”
“At least we agree we need to make changes. That’s a start.”
Leo shot me a smile and I knew he was okay, or at least as okay as the conversation would allow. As I finished the pasta, I enjoyed the comfort of us working in the kitchen. It was as good as curling up in bed with him and talking and reading before falling asleep or sitting quietly together on the patio on a nice evening. These were the moments I wanted more of. Being married wouldn’t make those, but figuring out how to be present more often would.
I had a lot to think about.
Chapter 3: Leo
“Yeah. I’ll see you whenever you get here.” I kept my disappointment at bay as best I could. At least he couldn’t see my face over the phone. Matty was clearly upset. I didn’t want to add to it as he sounded like he was already mad at himself.
“I’m sorry.”
“It’s not your fault.”
“I love you, Leo.”
“I love you, too.”
“I’ll let you know when we board so you’ll know how it’s going.”
“Okay. I’ll talk to you later. And see you when you get home.”
“Bye,” he said.
“Bye.”
There were a couple of beats before he disconnected the call. Was I supposed to say something else? Was he? Or did he fumble the phone trying to hang up?
I sighed at the empty kitchen. At least he caught me before I’d started cooking dinner. So far I’d only marinated the chicken and that could be cooked off and saved for another time. I’d lost my appetite. Sure I could cook for myself, but I didn’t want to.
It really wasn’t his fault there were giant storms rolling through Miami causing massive flight delays. I hoped he was okay. It threw me that he sounded like he might cry as we talked.
A memory came out of nowhere and I smiled as I sat at the kitchen breakfast bar. I’d been a sophomore at Maine and was supposed to come home for a few days at Christmas. I woke up for my flight and there was an unexpected three feet of snow on the ground, with more falling. Not only did I have no way to get my car out of the dorm parking lot, the airport was closed.
I’d called my parents and let them know if the airport didn’t re-open within a day, I’d have to cancel the trip because of an upcoming game. They were disappointed but understood.
That was the easy call. The one I dreaded was to Matty.
“Hey, Matty,” I said when he picked up.
“Leo! You’re here already?” He sounded like a kid opening his biggest Christmas present, not a college junior about to get bad news. “Wasn’t expecting to hear from you for couple hours or so.”
I sighed. I didn’t know how to tell him this. We loved Christmas. I knew he had a huge tree decorated in his apartment. I’d seen the bare t
ree on FaceTime, and today I was supposed to see the finished one, in person. Not to mention that we were scheduled for some serious making out under it.
“No. We got a ton of snow up here last night. My flight’s cancelled. Hell, I can’t even get in my car.”
“Oh.”
The defeat in his voice crushed me.
“I’m trying to find a way out, but I don’t…”
“I’ll send you some pictures,” he said, trying, but failing, to sound upbeat. “We can still do this. We’ve done a lot over the phone. We can do Christmas, too.”
Somehow, we made it work. We traded Christmas gifts over FaceTime. I unwrapped his presents and showed them to him. He did the same with mine. We acted like we were opening our own with a lot of oohs and ahhs.
I didn’t know how to use FaceTime to fix this. And I wanted more than watching him kiss the screen. I knew he did, too. How did people do this? How did they make things work if they were always apart?
I stared at the blank phone screen. Simon and Alex had done this for years. They maintained a crazy schedule in school, juggling work in separate cities, travel, coaching and more. And now they were about to be dads. We’d talked about this at Ben’s, but I wanted to know more.
I’d admired them for years because their relationship seemed only to grow stronger as the years went by. Matty and I had always had more physical distance between us. Where they’d shared a dorm room, Matty and I were states apart during school. We’d lived together during grad school, but after we’d graduated it felt like we were back to living in separate states again.
I dialed the phone.
“Leo!” Alex picked up before it even rang on my side. “What’s going on?”
“Hey, Alex. Not catching you at a bad time am I?”
“Nah, it’s good. On the way home. I’m zipping along Fourteen right now.”
It’d figure he was on his way home.
“You okay?” he asked after I’d left too much silence.
I sighed. I didn’t have to lie to him. “No.”
“What is it?”
“Can I ask you a question?” I decided to jump to the heart of what I wanted to know.
“Of course.”
The concern in his voice touched me. I had a lot of friends, but Simon and Alex were the best. We’d shared a lot over the years. Times like these were when the tightness really paid off.
“You and Simon are always so busy and yet your relationship flourishes. I…”
I didn’t know how to ask the question.
“Hmmm.”
I’d sat across from Alex numerous times for serious conversations so I easily pictured the look on his face.
“Lots of communication,” Alex answered, without having to be asked. “We’ve always shared a calendar, for example. We both know everything the other’s doing so there’s never a wonder about when to schedule things. It makes it easy to block out the time we need for each other. But, beyond the organization, we talk a lot. There’re rarely surprises.”
“Is that all there is? A calendar? It can’t be that easy.”
Alex chuckled. “It isn’t. But it’s the easy part. Remember the first thing I said was communication. The calendar is a tool for that. But I’m serious that we talk all the time. Texting, phone calls, emails. It may sound silly, but we catch up with each other a dozen times a day in one fashion or another. Even more frequently if one of us is traveling. It might only be a message that says ‘I love you’ or it could be a snippet of what’s happening in our day. It keeps us connected.”
I nodded, which of course he couldn’t hear.
“What’s going on, Leo? We talked about this at Ben and Sam’s party, too.”
“I don’t know what’s happening. We’ve done our share of long distance but it’s not working anymore. I want something different. He says he does, too. We talk about it sometimes, but…”
“At least you are talking about it. That’s a start.”
“Did it always just work for you and Simon?”
Alex laughed. “Of course not. We’ve had our share of disagreements and even the occasional fight, but usually we’re pissed at a situation and not each other. There’s never been a question, even under the most stressful situations, that we love each other. That always pulls us through.”
“I think we’ve got that.”
“I’m pretty sure you do. Do you remember what Matty said when we got married? ‘I’ve got these two to thank for putting Leo in my life.’”
I remembered the expression Matty gave me when he said those words. I felt so loved in that moment. I’d seen that look many times since.
“I’ve never once imagined you guys not being together,” Alex continued. “And you know those couples, the ones you watch and wonder why they’re together because they don’t seem to click at all? You guys aren’t like that. You guys clicked from the very beginning. It was obvious even the morning after you guys met. I see that every time I’m around you two.”
I needed to hear that since I’d begun to question how people perceived us.
“What if…” I stopped. This question was dangerous. Why had it popped into my head? “What if it’s not enough anymore?”
“You know we’re venturing into Simon territory here. He’s a lot better at these sorts of questions than I am. I’ll give it my best shot though. You still love him, right?”
“Completely.”
“And he loves you?”
“Yeah.”
I had no doubt about that.
“Then you fight to make it work. You fight to alter the circumstances. Simon and I have had some of our longest talks over our future. Where we want to be and how we’re going to get there. That’s how it was when we decided to stay in Ann Arbor after undergrad and make the commitment I did to grad school and work. And we’ve talked hours about becoming dads.” He paused for a moment. “I’m tempted to conference Simon in to make sure I’m not giving bad advice here.”
That finally got a laugh out of me. Simon had always been good at navigating tough situations, and he’d only gotten better through the years.
“I’m sure he’d be proud,” I said.
“Look, here’s the important thing. Or at least I think it is. You guys create how you live. If it doesn’t work, take steps to change it.”
“You make it sound so simple.”
“It can be if you’re both on the same page. Um…” It was weird that he suddenly sounded unsure of his words. “Look, this may sound harsh, but I’m going to say it anyway. If you’re both unhappy and you don’t try to fix it, then there’s no one to blame but yourselves.”
That was a punch to the gut and it was hard to breathe for a moment. But I knew he was right.
“What if…”
“Don’t,” Alex said. “There is no question where the answer’s going to be you two breaking up. Unless there’s something else you’re not telling me.”
“No,” I said quickly. “We just don’t seem to know what to do.”
“Good,” he said. “It may not be an easy conversation, but it’s one you have to have.”
“Yeah. Thanks, Alex. I needed this.”
“Anytime, man. Let me know how it goes, okay? Or if you want to talk more.”
“Talk to you later,” I said. “Hug Simon for me.”
“Will do. Later, Leo.”
I clicked off the call and set the phone on the counter. Alex was right. It was time to figure out what we really wanted, because I wanted us both to be happy.
Chapter 4: Matt
With flights backed up out of Miami, it was almost eighteen hours before I finally got on a plane. Unfortunately, not even my frequent flyer status could speed things up.
Leo was great through the whole thing and we had a FaceTime dinner. While I appreciated that he tried to make things okay, all the recent discussions about our future kept replaying in my head. We weren’t in college anymore. FaceTime meals should not be the norm.
&nbs
p; Before the flight left the gate, I called the office and told them I was taking a couple days off. Margaret could handle the job site, despite what Dad may think. She’s as capable as I am. I know Leo probably couldn’t take any time off, but at least I’d be home at the same times he would be. I planned to work at home on Friday and then we’d have the weekend.
After we landed, I decided to surprise Leo at work instead of going home. I’d been to the Penguins’ training facility a few times, including the team’s recent Christmas party, so I knew exactly where I was going.
I pulled into a mostly empty parking lot. Given the time, it was expected. The people left would be working on specific things, doing extra training, or dealing with other team matters. Leo’s car was in its usual spot, so I knew he was still here.
“Hello, Matt,” the receptionist said, sounding cheery. “You just missed Leo. He went with some of the other medical staff to the arena.”
Crap. I didn’t think to look to see if there was a game tonight. I knew he was in town from our chat last night, but a game didn’t cross my mind.
I gave her a half-hearted smile. “I should’ve checked before I came out here.”
“Do you want me to get him a message?”
I thought for a moment. It could be cute to have a message waiting for his arrival. I looked over at the flowers on her desk. “Would it be okay if I took one of these?”
She smiled. “Of course.”
I pulled out one of the yellow lilies.
“Thanks! I’ll catch up with him at the arena.”
She nodded. “I bet he’ll like that. Have a good evening.”
“Thanks,” I said. “You, too.”
I headed out, feeling a little silly carrying the one flower, but Leo liked getting flowers, and the single one would be kinda cute. It was early enough that I should be able to catch him without interrupting his pre-game activities too much.
The traffic wasn’t too bad and I got to the arena in just twenty-five minutes. Even parking went pretty well since I was early enough that people coming to the game hadn’t started arriving.
I’d been to the arena with Leo on many occasions, so I knew the drill to get in. I stopped at the employee entrance and found Jared working the desk.
