by Fifi Flowers
“Oh my little Sugarbug,” Mrs. Granger practically sang, clutching her hands to her heart, one over the other.
And with her arms around my waist, my little girl turned her big blue eyes to Mrs. Granger, smiling brightly. “That’s what my mommy calls me, but my real name is Nicolette named after my daddy.”
“I bet she does call you that… if you aren’t the spitting image of…”
“Phyll!”
Just as I thought I better speak up, Nicolette’s nanny entered the dining area to the left of the open living room.
“Victoria, I’m so sorry I had to bring her but you weren’t answering your phone. I have a family emergency. I’ve gotta run.”
“It’s okay, Nancy. Let me walk you out.” And let me go with you!
Pulling away from my little Sugarbug I wasn’t certain if I should take her with me or leave her at the table. She answered my question as she began to entertain the table with a little Christmas song and dance that she had learned for her school pageant.
Ushering Nancy to the door, I assured her that everything was fine, hugging her goodbye with hopes that her family would be okay.
Walking back to the dining room, I wondered if I would survive this. Apparently, I had nothing to worry about I realized entering the room to the sound of applause and seeing my girl beaming. God, how I loved that little Sugarbug with all my heart! To my delight it looked like they were all enchanted by her, too. And though, it was not exactly how I envisioned springing the news on Nick, I was sure he knew that without a doubt that she was his after she answered all of their many questions. Besides the fact that she looked like his clone in a petite female version.
“How old are you Nicolette?”
“I’m six. My birthday is September 24th. I’m in first grade.”
Yep, and there it was. Do the math, December to September—nine months.
“Do you like school?”
“I love school but I love Christmas more!”
“Are you ready for Santa to visit you on Christmas Eve?”
“Yes! He always comes the night of my daddy’s birthday.”
Ding! Ding! What could I say? I watched my little girl unravel the evidence.
“Oh… so your daddy’s birthday is Christmas Eve?”
“Yep! He’s heaven!”
A glare shot from Nick’s eyes in my direction. “You told her I… he was in heaven?”
Before I could answer Nicolette chimed in, reaching out and pushing his arm. I swear I could hear his heart thumping, loving that she touched him.
“No silly! Mommy says my daddy is pure heaven and that someday he’s going to find us…”
That was Phyllis’s cue to let the tears slide down her face as she tenderly remarked softly, “I think he already has, Sugarbug.”
“Phyll!” Will snapped before leveling his eye’s with Nicolette’s. “Hey cutie, why don’t you show us the Christmas tree.”
Turning back to Nick’s mother, he motioned for her to come along. To us he suggested we find a quiet corner away from little ears. For a few moments we sat and stared at each other, then he extended his hand to me and walked me down the hall to his library.
I was apprehensive as we crossed the threshold and he closed the door behind us. At first I faced away from him. Him. I found him. He found me. We found each other. What happened now? I thought as I turned toward the man I thought of every day as I looked into a pair of eyes the same shape and color as his.
“Oh my God, Victoria. There is so much I want to ask… I want to know. Oh my God, Sugar. I’ve missed you so much. I think of you every day. Fuck! I need to hold you.”
I stepped closer to him unsure if that was just a statement or if he actually planned to hold me, and waited for his next move. I was relieved when he took me in his strong arms. The sensation was overwhelming. I felt like crying but the tears wouldn’t come. It was almost like I was in shock. I had wished for that moment with him over and over. Once it arrived I was uncertain how to act. Was there a right or wrong way? The answer had to be no. So I just basked in the moment, relishing his touch.
“You had a baby… our baby… I’m so sorry I wasn’t there for you… for her. God, you feel so good. Smell so good. Please pinch me. This is real, isn’t it?”
I couldn’t speak, I just nodded as I held on to him for dear life. I don’t know how long we stood there holding each other in a silent conversation that passed between us, but soon enough our daughter was happily calling for me.
Breaking from our embrace, we entwined our hands and joined the group sitting together eating dessert.
“Our little Sugarbug here is quite entertaining,” Will said, causing my chest to tighten. Something about hearing them calling her that, let me know they had accepted her. She had grandparents who called her by the same name that Nick had told me his parents always called him as a kid. When she was born… actually when she was in my belly I called her that all the time. I wanted to give her a piece of him.
It wasn’t long before my little one had crashed down hard from the sugar rush and was ready to call it a night.
“I’ve gotta get her home. I know I really should clean up the kitchen, but if you don’t mind I can come back tomorrow and do it.”
“Don’t worry about it. Let’s get her home.”
Let’s? As in let us? Of course, he was planning on helping me get her in the car. Don’t read too much into that statement, I reprimanded myself.
“Hey, you get that little Sugarbug to bed. Phyll and I will clean up before we had back to the hotel.”
Scooping her up in my arms she clung to me like a monkey. I nearly burst when Mr. and Mrs. Granger each rubbed her back and planted a kiss on each of her sweet little cheeks. She blinked her eyes and said a faint goodnight and was out.
Nick as I suspected grabbed my bag and keys for me and walked me to the elevator. Waiting for it to arrive, we stumbled over words. I was so overwhelmed, filled with so many emotions—I was wondering when the dam would burst.
“Do you want me to carry her? Do you think she would let me hold her?”
“She’s lights out, don’t worry I’ve got her.”
Looking at both of us with something I would call love in his eyes he informed me she was more than half my size. He was right.
“She’s beautiful, Victoria, like her mommy.”
That was all it took and the tears fell.
“Don’t cry or you’ll get me started,” he said brushing the moisture from my cheeks.
Inside the elevator we rode in silence, staring at each other until we reached the parking garage.
“My car is right there.” I pointed.
“We’ll take mine. We can get yours later or I can have someone drive it to your house.”
Oh my God, he was coming with us.
“I have a booster seat.”
“I didn’t think about that. Okay. We’ll take your car.”
“We’re fine. I can manage getting her in the house. This is a habit of hers.”
“If you think I’m ever leaving you two again… No, no it’s never happening. I’m going with you or you bring her back upstairs, but being apart again is not an option. Too much time has already been lost.”
Biting my lips, I nodded. “Okay.”
And so I found myself behind the wheel of my SUV, all of us secured in our seats making the very short journey to my house. A mommy, a daddy and their child, it didn’t seem real. And then I wondered what Nicolette was thinking. She was a very smart little girl and she had seen photos of Nick. Did she recognize him? Did she realize that his parents were her grandparents? What would be her reaction to Nick in our home? He has instructed me that he’s not leaving—does he really mean forever? I haven’t been with a man in seven years, am I ready to be intimate with him—to lose my celibate virginity? Most importantly, can we start up where we left off?
One thing was for certain, we had a lot to talk about. And upon reaching my house, it occurred t
o me that our conversation was about to commence once I tucked Sugarbug in her bed, and we were alone.
Chapter Seven
Nick…
“We’ve been so close to each other for years,” I mumbled as she pulled into a very familiar driveway and drove around to the garage in the back of the property. Shocked by the revelation that slapped me abruptly upside the head, I’m sure I startled Victoria with my outburst.
“Holy shit! You outbid me!”
“What?”
“I tried to buy this house. I countered liked three times. I couldn’t believe I had lost out—I offered way over the asking price on my last bid. I was sure I would get it. You got it?!”
“Truth be told, Nicolette outbid you, but not with money. We stopped by one day and the owners happened to be home. When she saw the swing in the yard she raced to it screaming, ‘push me, push me!’ I told her to come back that it was private property. She said, ‘No, Mommy, it’s our house. My swing.’ She wouldn’t listen and I ended up giving into her demands. The man of the house came out and I explained to him the situation, apologizing. His wife heard the story through an open window and came outside. Then she got down on Nicolette’s level and informed her that she was a smart girl and said she was right, it was her house.”
I was dumbfounded by her words. Getting out of the car, I made a beeline to unhook our sleeping child and then followed Victoria toward the back of the house. Carrying Nicolette, looking down at her angelic face, I slowed my pace as it hit me like a ton of bricks.
“Victoria… I’ve seen her… I’ve seen Nicolette swinging on the swing in the front, running in the yard, riding her bike with that woman that came to my apartment, chasing after her. Oh my God, I wish I knew it was her.”
My chest instantly hurt and a sadness encompassed me.
“You didn’t know about her.” She touched my arm as if reassuring me that I’d done nothing wrong before unlocking the back door.
“Well, now I do and I’m not going anywhere. Let’s get her into bed. Then I pray you will let me hold you all night long.”
I wasn’t sure that I liked the expression that flooded her face or the way that she seemed to tense, and then I realized that I was asking her to let me into her bed. Lifting her chin with my hand, looking right into her beautiful dark eyes, I wanted her to know how deeply I felt for her. How much I missed her and needed her more than she could ever know… imagine.
“I just want to hold you. Nothing more… for now.”
I was relieved when she laughed and murmured something about shaving.
Once Nicolette was in her pajamas and tucked in with a smattering of kisses to her angelic face by her gorgeous mother, Victoria took me by the hand and walked me to her bedroom—suddenly I was the one laughing.
“What happened to the rest of your bed?”
“I know, I know. That’s on the to-be-bought list.”
“That definitely won’t do, Sugar. I think we’re going to need to move my bed over first thing tomorrow morning.”
“Well, just think how close we can be,” she laughed as she walked toward a closed door. “Follow me.”
Into a walk-in closet we went. Inside she produced a very familiar ensemble from a drawer and handed them to me before she disappeared. Removing my slacks and shirt, I hung them up on an available wooden hanger similar to ones in my own closet. Disrobed, I pulled on my own sweats and NYU t-shirt.
“I know what we can do today.”
I pushed playfully into her warm, amazing, and totally naked body.
“I know some things we can do too.”
“Not those kind of things.” Her smile was so big and her dark brown eyes sparkled as she announced, “Let’s bake!”
Not what I expected at all.
“Every year since I was a little girl we always bake gingerbread cookies. I haven’t gotten around to it this year, and it’s not good to break tradition.”
“You’re serious?” I looked at her, waiting for her to laugh.
“Yes, very! You have a rental car we can go to the store. It’s Christmas time so they’ll have all the ingredients, and I know the recipe by heart. It’s filled with family secrets that I have been taught for years. Just let me run back to my room and change clothes.”
“No way. I’m not letting you out of my sight you can wear some of mine… you looked good in my shirt the other night.”
“Then I may end up with a full collection of St Nick clothes.” I heard her laugh.
“Are you coming out of the closet?”
Stepping out, I saw her standing on the opposite side of her little bed. I met her on the other side and slipped in between the sheets as she did the same. Meeting in the middle, I pulled her close—her head to my chest and said goodnight.
“You’re not going to kiss me?”
“I’m afraid.”
“You weren’t afraid when we were alone in your library.”
“Whole different playground—one where things couldn’t quickly swing into action and slide completely out of control.
“Okay,” she said, then lifted up and placed her lips against mine briefly before turning her back to me. “At least spoon me.”
“Happily.” I moved up behind her—a perfect fit—and put my arm around her, and we entwined our fingers. “There’s no getting away from me.”
God, it had been too long! Feeling my Victoria in my arms, up next to me, was undeniably the best thing ever. Amazingly enough, even with part of my anatomy protesting, I fell into a deep, dream-free sleep (my ultimate dream had already come true) until the sunlight confirmed that she was real.
Waking up, I looked over my shoulder to see the gorgeous woman sleeping next to me, curled up. Realizing we weren’t completely alone, I turned my head back around to an adorable little smiling face holding a framed picture up next to my face. Instantly, I was relieved that I had clothes on—clothes that belonged to me—ones that Victoria had taken from me in Mammoth.
“What do you have there?” I asked quietly though I didn’t really need to ask. As she turned it toward my face, I knew I would see a photo of Victoria and I leaning into each other on a slope in Mammoth. I had seen the photo sitting on her nightstand, next to her bed as we tucked her in last night. It was a photograph of a moment I knew well, I had a similar snapshot framed and tucked away in my office drawer.
Remembering the little one looking at me, I had to focus on real life rather than slipping back to a memory. “Want to make breakfast for mommy?” I whispered.
The cute little head nodded and I carefully climbed out of bed. Closing the door, we stepped into the hallway and she raced to her room. I waited to see if she would return. When she did she was minus the photo frame and holding up a rubber band to me. God help me, I prayed that Nicolette would be satisfied with my ponytail making skills and that I didn’t hurt her. Secured without a whimper, she smiled up at me and then put her hand in mine and led me down the stairs to the kitchen.
I was happy to see the improvements Victoria had made to the kitchen that I had last seen in need of updating. Her choice of a beige subway tile backsplash and all white cabinetry with dark bronze pulls was great. I really liked the simple Shaker style. Yes, I admit to watching DYI and HGTV network shows and to making trips to hardware stores, hence my knowledge of decor terms.
“What should we make?” I asked as she climbed up on top of a black lacquered wooden stool in front of a dark gray, slate or cement-looking topped center island illuminated by three blue glass hanging lights.
“Pancakes! I know how to do those with this recipe.” She was flipping through a cookbook that was on display like the one in my apartment kitchen. “You have to mix stuff together. I can teach you if you don’t know, but I can’t reach things. And I’m not allowed to use the stove by myself.”
“Okay, you direct me. Bowls, pans, ingredients. Can you read all of those words in the book?” Looking over her shoulder, I sniffed the top of her head. “You smell like
vanilla cake and peppermint.”
My words caused a bit of a giggle fit. “Mommy says that too! But Mommy smells like cake too and cinnamon and flowers.”
I hadn’t quite been able to pinpoint her delicious smell, but Nicolette was right. That combination summed it up fairly well. “So you two are a couple of cupcakes.”
“I’m not a cupcake! You’re silly! I like you!”
Giggles abounded from her sweet little face and I had an overwhelming desire to nibble her rosy cheeks. I’d always heard parents talk about wanting to take a bite out of their children. Now I knew what they meant. I laughed to myself watching my little girl… my daughter… our child.
“I like you, too. But we need to get serious if we’re going to surprise, Mommy. So what do we need and where do I find everything?”
Slipping on and off her stool, Nicolette opened cabinets, the pantry door, drawers and pointed to things up too high. Then once we had everything out on the island, I let her add all of the ingredients and I did the stirring while listening to her telling me about her friends and school. I was sad that I had missed her recent performance even though she had entertained us at my apartment—a place I never wanted to spend another day in (note to self: contact Lulu).
“Okay, I think we’re ready. Do you know how to flip pancakes?”
“No, Silly, I could get burned.”
“Not if I help you and we’re careful.”
Bringing a chair from a nook area table, I placed it in front of the stainless steel professional stove and placed Nicolette on top of it. Together we poured the batter and flipped them until we had several pancakes stacked on a platter and placed them into the oven to stay warm. While we waited, I found coffee beans, a grinder, and French press to fuel my caffeine addiction.
Looking around the family room off the kitchen, I noticed a small decorated Christmas tree. It had me wondering why they had such a small tree.
“That’s a small tree, I would imagine you and your mommy would have a much larger one… it is really pretty though.”
“We gave you our big tree. Mommy said you needed it more than we did. That you were all alone and you wanted to surprise your mommy and daddy. Mommy made it look beautiful. Do you like it? Did you like our gingerbread people?”
