What the hell was he doing?
He was playing a dangerous game here, Chase realized as he rubbed his hands roughly down his face even as he had to admit that he was tempted, more than a little fucking tempted, to want more than he should. For a moment, he wondered what it would be like if this never had to end and…
God, it would be so fucking easy to imagine a lifetime with Sloane. He could imagine spending the rest of his life with her, making love to her every night and waking up with her in his arms every morning. He could also imagine falling in love with her, having children with her, and growing old with her and just as easily, he could imagine how much it would hurt if something ever happened to her.
He would never survive it.
Feeling the panic that threatened to break him every time he thought about losing her begin to set in, Chase stood up and paced the large living room, needing to put as much space between him and the thoughts that threatened to destroy him as he could. He told himself that Sloane was fine, that she was safe until even that wasn’t enough and he found himself heading toward the balcony, needing to make sure that she was okay while thoughts of all the ways that he could lose her had him moving faster.
When he finally managed to slide the balcony door open and saw her standing there with her back to him, safe and whole, he released a shaky breath. She was fine and he was fucking pathetic, Chase told himself as he ran his eyes over her, needing to make sure that she was okay, only…even that wasn’t enough.
Before he knew what he was doing, he stepped onto the balcony. She was so beautiful, he thought, watching her as she turned around. When she saw him standing there that same heartbreaking expression that he saw downstairs flashed across her beautiful face before she managed to pull it back, nearly fucking breaking him in the process.
This was just about sex, Chase told himself, needing the reminder as he reached for her. That’s all he wanted, all he needed from her, he told himself as he pulled her into his arms. Before he had a chance to finish wrapping his arms around her, she was sliding her hand over the back of his neck and pulling him down for a kiss that bordered on desperation, matching his need for her.
He couldn’t seem to pull her close enough, and god, did he fucking need that right now. He needed her, needed Sloane in a way that actually terrified him. His hands fisted in her dress as he used his hold to bring her closer. She always felt so fucking good in his arms, Chase thought as he pulled her back toward the suite, determined to spend the rest of the night in that large bed, working this hold that she seemed to have over him out of his system.
Chapter 39
This was a mistake.
She should have left as soon as he fell asleep, but she hadn’t been able to force herself to go. She’d come up with a hundred different excuses, but the problem was that she wasn’t ready to say goodbye. Not yet. She wanted a few more hours with Chase before she forced herself to let him go, and then…
Sloane didn’t want to think about what came next.
She should just leave the letter that she’d spent the last three hours struggling to write on his pillow, get dressed, call a cab and head back to his house so that she could grab her stuff and leave before she had a chance to talk herself out of this. Not that it would take much, Sloane thought, sighing heavily as she sat there with her arms wrapped around her knees while she watched Chase sleep.
She’d never wanted anything more than she wanted him, but…
He didn’t want her.
The funny thing was that Sloane knew that he would do the right thing if she told him everything, but she didn’t want him that way. So, she was going to force herself to do the right thing and leave before she did something stupid like beg him for something that he couldn’t give her.
Right now, she was going to focus on getting through this one step at a time. Once she said goodbye, then she would worry about all those other things that she’d been trying not to think about, but for right now…
Sloane climbed out of the chair and quietly made her way to the bed. Keeping her eyes on Chase, she slowly exhaled as she placed the letter on the nightstand. He was so handsome, Sloane thought as she reached over and ran her fingertips lightly over his scar and along his jaw before dropping her hand away.
For a moment, she stood there, watching him before she found herself reaching for the hem of the shirt that she’d borrowed from him and pulled it off, dropping it on the floor. Needing to touch him one last time before she forced herself to walk away, Sloane pulled the covers back and climbed onto the bed. Before she finished straddling his lap, he was reaching for her with a sleepily murmured, “Everything okay, Pookie?”
“Everything’s fine,” Sloane whispered as she leaned down and brushed her lips against his.
He returned the simple gesture with a small groan as she settled over him. They took their time, slowly deepening the kiss as he wrapped his arms around her and held her close. She wasn’t sure how long they stayed like that before he rolled her onto her back and began slowly moving against her with teasing strokes that had her moaning.
When she felt him push inside her, Sloane wrapped her arms around him and closed her eyes as he kissed his way down her neck while she savored every touch, kiss, and caress, burning each one of them to memory. All too soon, he was groaning her name and she realized that it was time to go.
She waited until he’d closed his eyes and his breaths were soft and even before she slipped from the bed and headed to the closet. She grabbed her bag and headed to the bathroom, making sure to close the door quietly behind her and forced herself to move. She took a quick shower, brushed her teeth and hair, got dressed, and double-checked her bag to make sure that she had everything before she found herself standing in the middle of the bathroom, staring at the door.
Releasing a shaky breath and telling herself that it was better just to get this over with, Sloane forced herself to walk the short distance to the door and once she managed to do that, she forced herself to keep going, refusing to look at the bed as she walked out of the bathroom, knowing that one look at Chase would break her. She just needed to leave so that she could clear her head and figure out what she needed to–
“What’s this?” Chase asked when she stepped into the living room to find him sitting on the couch, holding the letter that should have explained everything in his hand.
“I got another job,” Sloane said, forcing the lie that she’d come up with last night when her world came crashing down around her.
“Yeah, I see that,” Chase said, sighing heavily as he tossed the letter on the coffee table so that he could rub his hands over his face.
“I didn’t know how to tell you,” she said quietly.
“And you thought telling me in a fucking letter was the best way to do that?” Chase asked, dropping his hands away as he shook his head in disbelief.
When she didn’t answer, he got to his feet and gestured to the bedroom. “Give me ten minutes to get dressed and I’ll drive you to the airport,” Chase said, not sounding happy about it.
“I’ve already got a ride,” she lied because she couldn’t tell him the truth.
“I’m going,” Chase said firmly, heading toward the bathroom only to stop when she said, “I don’t want you to.”
“What the hell are you talking about, Pookie?” Chase demanded, sighing heavily as he turned around to face her.
“I just don’t think it would be a good idea,” Sloane said, knowing that if she didn’t walk out that door right now that she wouldn’t be able to do this.
For a moment, he looked like he was going to argue, and then, with a resigned sigh, he said, “Fine. Then tell me where you’re going.”
“Washington. It’s a temporary position, shouldn’t last more than two months,” she said hollowly, repeating the same lie that she’d told her family last night as she watched him absently nod while he grabbed his phone off the coffee table.
“We’ll have to figure out what days you hav
e off so that I can come see you,” Chase murmured absently as he checked something on his phone. “Thank god for Facetime and text messages,” he said, shooting her a wink before adding. “We’ll put them to good use.”
“No.”
“What?” Chase asked, frowning as he glanced up from his phone.
“I can’t do this,” Sloane said, shaking her head as her grip tightened around the handle of her suitcase.
“What are you talking about, Pookie?” Chase asked, dropping his hand.
“This,” Sloane said, gesturing between them. “I can’t keep doing this.”
“Doing what exactly?” he demanded.
“Pretending that I’m not in love with you, Chase.”
When he could only stare at her, she said, “But you don’t love me, do you?”
When he didn’t answer, Sloane absently nodded. “Then I guess I have my answer,” she said, feeling numb as she headed to the door.
“Sloane,” Chase said, sighing heavily. “I’ll call you tonight so that we can talk about this.”
Shaking her head, Sloane said, “Don’t bother,” as she opened the door and forced herself to walk away.
Chapter 40
He didn’t fucking need her, Chase told himself as he dropped down on one of the waiting room chairs and dutifully reached over and accepted the cup of imaginary tea that Deb prepared for him.
“Thank you, Pumpkin,” Chase murmured absently, pretending to take a sip from the pink plastic teacup as he found his attention shifting toward the double doors to his left just as Kim, who was manning the front desk today, looked over at him and said, “Grey is on the phone, but he should be done soon,” looking uncharacteristically distracted today.
Nodding absently, Chase finished off his tea and held it out so that Deb could refill it. Once she was done, he pretended to take another sip as he sat there, wondering why he was even here. He’d kept his promise to Sloane and now that she was gone…
He had better things to do.
“Thank you for the tea,” he said, placing the plastic teacup on the chair beside him.
“You’re welcome,” Deb said, flashing him an adorable smile as he leaned over and kissed her small forehead. Without another word, he headed for the front doors, more than fucking done with this place. He didn’t need therapy or any of this bullshit, and he sure as hell didn’t need Sloane.
She wanted to end things for a job that she fucking hated? Then that was more than fine with him because he didn’t need her. She could go off doing whatever the fuck she wanted. He didn’t care. He had his life back and that’s all that mattered. It was better this way anyway, Chase told himself as he shoved the front door open only to find himself shaking his head and turning around.
“Fuck it,” Chase bit out as he made his toward the double doors, ignoring Kim as she tried to stop him and headed to the back office, deciding that he’d played enough fucking games to last him a lifetime.
Chase didn’t bother knocking when he reached the office door.
“What’s going on?” Grey asked, frowning when Chase walked in.
“I don’t fucking need her,” Chase said, shaking his head as he dropped down on the leather couch with a look that dared Grey to argue with him.
“Let me call you back,” Grey said, hanging up on whoever he was talking to as he got up and made his way around his desk. “What’s going on, Chase?”
“Sloane decided that she was done playing house and that it was time to leave,” Chase said with a humorless chuckle as he shook his head in disbelief because this was fucking priceless.
She loved him.
That was just fucking great.
“Why did you let her leave?”
“I didn’t let her do anything.”
“True,” Grey murmured, looking thoughtful, “but you also didn’t try to stop her, did you?”
“She has a life to get back to,” Chase said, sitting back against the comfortable leather couch.
Nodding, Grey said, “And now, so do you.”
“It lasted longer than it was supposed to, but it was time for her to go,” Chase said, shrugging it off like it was no big deal, but god, was he fucking pissed.
She’d left him for a job that she hated and he…
She’d fucking left him!
“And this is what you want?”
“Yes,” Chase bit out even as he had to admit that this wasn’t exactly the way that he’d hoped things would end.
“Okay,” Grey said, nodding slowly as he considered him. “Then let’s say that Sloane hadn’t decided to end things. Let’s say that she’d left like she was supposed to and you texted and called her every day and visited her when you could, would that have been enough?”
“Yes,” he lied because he knew that it never would have been enough.
“How long do you think it would have been before you grew bored?” Grey asked, sounding curious.
“I would never grow bored of Sloane,” Chase bit out.
“But you don’t want her.”
“I want her,” he snapped.
“Then why did you let her go?” Grey asked, pulling the coin out of his pocket that he never seemed to go anywhere without and began absently flipping it over the back of his knuckles.
“Drop it,” Chase said because he was done talking about this.
“I would if I really thought that’s what you wanted,” Grey said, watching him.
“You don’t know what I want,” he said evenly.
“And you do?” Grey asked, arching a brow in question.
“Yes,” Chase bit out.
“What is it that you want, Chase?”
“It doesn’t matter,” Chase said, hoping that he would just fucking drop it.
“Why not?” Grey asked, refusing to give up.
“Because I can’t fucking have it!” he snapped, wondering why this was so fucking difficult to understand.
“Why is that?” Grey asked.
“Because I can’t fucking lose her,” Chase found himself admitting.
“You already lost her,” Grey quietly pointed out.
Shaking his head, Chase headed for the door, “I can’t fucking do this.”
“You don’t come across as a guy who gives up easily,” Grey murmured, sounding thoughtful before adding. “It’s okay to be afraid, Chase.”
“I’m not afraid,” Chase snapped, reaching for the door.
“No, you’re terrified,” Grey said softly, making everything inside him go still.
“You have no idea what you’re talking about,” Chase said evenly as his grip tightened around the doorknob.
“I know that you’re about to let the woman you love walk away because you’re afraid of losing her,” Grey said as Chase glanced over his shoulder.
“I don’t love her,” Chase said, knowing that wasn’t an option, not if he wanted to keep his fucking sanity.
Grey considered him for a moment before he said, “But you care about her.”
“More than anything.”
“Then what are you so afraid of?”
“I’m not afraid,” Chase bit out.
“Then why did you let her leave?”
“This was a mistake,” Chase said, shaking his head as he opened the door and–
“You know what I think?”
“I don’t fucking care what you think!” Chase shouted as he slammed the office door shut and faced the man that had no fucking clue what he was talking about.
“Fair enough,” Grey murmured, still flipping that fucking coin across the back of his knuckles, “but I’m going to tell you anyway. I think you’re afraid of losing her. You know better than most people that life isn’t fair and just how quickly you can lose everything. Keeping Sloane at a distance is safer. It’s easier. The idea of letting her in, admitting that you love her and want to spend the rest of your life with her terrifies you. The idea of spending the rest of your life with her and having children with her terrifies you more becaus
e you know that you could lose them all in the blink of an eye and–
“Stop,” Chase said hollowly, unable to handle the thought of something happening to Sloane and if they had a child…
God, he couldn’t fucking do this!
Ignoring him, Grey continued, “What do you think is going to hurt more? Living the rest of your life alone or knowing what you could have had if you hadn’t pushed her away?”
“God, I…I…” Chase said, struggling to catch his breath, but the image of Sloane holding a baby, his child, kept going through his head and god help him, but he liked the idea more than he should.
“What do you want, Chase?”
“I don’t fucking know!”
“What does Sloane want?” Grey asked as Chase rubbed his hands roughly down his face, trying to figure out why he couldn’t let her go.
It was what he needed to do to keep his sanity because he couldn’t handle the idea of something happening to her. If he let her walk away now, he could always tell himself that she was happy and safe, but if she stayed…
He would have to face the possibility of losing her one day and he didn’t think that he could handle that, but…
He couldn’t let her go.
Not when she belonged with him. Not when he knew that he would never be able to stop thinking about her, wondering if she was happy, if she was still working a job that she hated, and…he wouldn’t have lasted a week before he went after her, he realized. She was his best friend and he couldn’t imagine his life without her. He didn’t need to love her to know that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her.
“Me, she just wants me,” Chase said hoarsely as the reality of what he’d done finally sank in and when it did…
He needed to fix this.
But first, he needed to figure out where she was. Trying not to panic, Chase pulled his phone out of his pocket as he rushed out of the office with a murmured, “Thanks,” and headed to the front door as he quickly sent a text message to Sloane, hoping that he could make this right.
Furious Page 21
