by Anne Mercier
Deep rumbling voices become clear as I open my bedroom door. The TV is on in the background but they’re talking over it.
“That fucker!” Linc shouts. “He made a promise. And after what she’s just been through, this is going to kill her inside.”
“I admit, it looks damning,” Sandy tells him. “But we don’t know the whole story. You know how the media spins these things.”
“That’s not the point,” Linc reminds her.
“I know,” Sandy agrees.
I step hesitantly into the living space. All heads turn to me, anguish written all over their faces. For the miscarriage? No. No. For whatever the media has… oh, God.
“What happened, Lincoln?” I ask, my voice small even to my own ears.
He strides over and pulls me into his bulky warmth. “It might not be anything, T.”
“You just said—” I try to pull back and look to the television. Someone muted the sound—likely Dad.
“I know what I said. I’m so sorry, Tera.”
I nod and start crying. “The baby?”
“Yeah,” he answers hoarsely. “How are you feeling?”
“I really don’t know. I’m confused about it all. I think I’m still in shock.”
He nods as he presses a kiss to the top of my head.
“There’s something else.”
My stomach immediately knots with a sense of impending doom. I can feel it. I start to shake, my muscles weakening from fear.
“What did he do?” I ask. It can only be about Xander. Nothing else would, how did he put it? Kill me inside. There’s no way to brace for this. None. I don’t want to know. It’s going to destroy us. I just know it.
“There are photos…” he begins.
My breath hitches and I start to vomit, holding my hand over my mouth as I run to the kitchen garbage. Linc’s right there, holding my hair and holding me up. I don’t trust my legs to hold me upright.
I dry heave one last time, then rest my hands on the sides of the trash can as I take shaky breaths. The shaking is overwhelming now.
“I need to rinse my mouth.”
He walks me to the sink, where I rinse my mouth over and over with water, trying to get the disgusting taste out—but it’s more than just that I’m trying to cleanse.
I turn and Dad and Sandy are just taking their seats at the kitchen table. I look over. Ethan.
“E!” I try so hard to smile, but he doesn’t need it. He comes over and hugs me close.
“I am so fucking sorry, Tera.”
I nod. I know. They’re all sorry. So am I. But I have a feeling I’m going to be so much sorrier once I know whatever it is they’re trying to protect me from—but there is no point in delaying the inevitable.
“What did he do, E? It’s gotta be pretty bad if you’re here.” They just had a concert last night and a party afterward to celebrate their latest single hitting number one on the charts. “It must’ve been one hell of a party.”
Ethan sighs. “It’s not what it looks like.”
“What does it look like?” I ask, pulling back and walking over to the table. Linc pulls me onto his lap. I’m shaking so hard I’m surprised they can’t hear my bones rattling.
“Tera,” Dad begins. “There are some photos.”
I nod. “I g-got that part. I’m guessing Xander and—someone not me?”
He nods. “Yes.”
I nod and start crying again. I’m so sick of crying. Always crying. But this one—this one has me holding myself tightly inside and out, because it already hurts.
“It isn’t what it looks like,” Ethan reiterates. “I was there.”
“Again, wh-what does it look like?”
Ethan looks at his hands, then up to meet my eyes.
“We had the party to celebrate last night. We all were drinking and having a good time—we let security party with us.”
I nod. “You know better.”
“We do. But we were on cloud fucking nine, hitting number one, you know? We’ve worked so hard for that. Two albums and we made it. It’s a big deal,” he explains.
“I know, E. You don’t have to tell me what it means to you all. It means the world to me, too.”
“I know. It’s just that security got caught up like we did, meaning, we had none.”
“Just get it out. Please.”
“The chicks were all over all of us. Me, Kennedy, and Xan weren’t paying any attention. We were talking shit and doing shots. Someone had a camera. Took pics of the chicks in various states of undress—as you know.”
I nod. I do know. They’ve mentioned it and even videoed some of it. They thought it was funny. Me, not so much.
“Well, one was sitting on the arm of the couch, her arm around Xan’s shoulders, and she was—”
“She was fucking plastered against him,” Linc bites out.
“Okay. But that’s nothing new.”
“No, but the photos are. They’re everywhere. Of me, Xan, and Kennedy, with chicks hanging on us even though we didn’t know they were there. We’ve learned it’s easier to just let them try and ignore them rather than to say no, because then more come over and try—usually harder than the one before them.”
“Yeah,” I whisper, looking into the living room, getting my first glimpse of the tarted up, barely dressed chick hanging over my husband’s back, her head next to his, both laughing like they were meant to be doing that forever. Another photo with Kennedy glaring at the hand on his thigh, Ethan ignoring the one behind him. Xan doing shots with the guys. The girl leaning in and about to kiss Xander—if his head turned a little to the left. Oh. Well. There it is.
My stomach somersaults, my body shakes, my heart breaking as image after image float across the screen. I can’t breathe.
We made love. I gave myself to him, fully, finally, after the accident. Did he really need to go out and find someone to fuck? Surely, if Ethan could make it here, he could, too. But, he’s not here. He’s not here explaining.
“That’s a d-deal br-breaker,” I stutter out. Now, I really can’t breathe. I try, but there’s no air. I gasp, unable to turn away from the TV. It’s like I’m in an alternate universe—watching my husband on TV, in photos with that—tart.
“Breathe, Tera,” Dad orders sternly, pulling me from wherever I’d floated off to. He presses a paper bag over my mouth and nose. “Breathe. Look at me and breathe.”
I shake my head. I can’t pull any air in. I can’t feel my body.
“She’s in shock. Thump her on her back, Linc,” Dad tells him.
“No way—”
“Do it! Now!” Dad orders.
He does, pounds my back hard and I gasp, pulling in air—glorious air.
“Head down, between your legs,” Sandy demands.
I automatically listen—like always. Sandy and Dad know what’s best. I feel exactly as I did that day at the shack. I feel like that young girl who’s seen something she never ever wanted to see. Xander with someone else.
Only, this time, it feels like so much more than a betrayal. Not only because he broke our deal, but because of the time we spent together. Because of the things he said that night—things like he didn’t want anyone but me, he’d never need anyone but me.
A sob bursts free. This is the first time I’ve let myself cry since before the attack—I mean really cry. The kind of cry you feel down to your soul because it hurts that much. This—this hurts that much.
Linc rubs my back while Ethan looks on helplessly. Sandy twists her hands while Dad keeps reminding me to breathe.
I breathe—between cries from a voice I don’t recognize—yet, it’s mine.
I meet Ethan’s gaze, then Dad’s.
“H-he l-lied.”
Dad’s mouth presses into a flat line.
“It’s not… he didn’t…” Ethan begins.
“H-he st-still lied.”
Ethan swallows hard and nods once.
I didn’t know who I was after the attack. I really do
n’t know who I am now—after losing the baby. I don’t remember who I was before Xander. I need to find out who I am after.
“H-he was partying, letting that… letting her… while I was losing our baby.”
“This happens all the time, Tera. He didn’t do anything,” Ethan pleads.
I nod. “Knowing it and seeing it are two different things—especially now.” I take a shuddering breath and say the one thing I never imagined I’d ever say in my life. “I don’t know if there’s any coming back from this. I just don’t.”
“Tera—” Dad begins.
I shake my head. “Ethan’s here. Where’s Xander? Where is he?”
Ethan looks at me. “I don’t know.”
I nod. “Me neither.”
And that’s pretty damning in itself.
3
TERA
I’m lying on the sofa with my favorite fuzzy blanket, a box of tissues, and my favorite chick flicks. Ethan and Linc hung out longer than I expected. I mean, they made it through The Family Stone but they bailed when I put in Dirty Dancing.
Before they left, Linc looked at me over his shoulder with a cheeky grin and said, “Nobody put’s baby in a corner. Don’t you forget it, either.”
Sometimes, my brother is pretty okay.
I’m so relieved Dad agreed to stay with me while Linc was out of town the last couple of days for his fight. I’d have had to go through the miscarriage alone. I can’t imagine that, how scary it’d have been.
Dad takes off after awhile and Sandy joins me for some girlie movies. Sandy’s been a godsend. I’m thrilled she came with Dad. Doctor and nurse, but best of friends. Their friendship is one I admire. I always have. I do regret that I ruined her shopping trip. Truthfully, I think there’s a whole lot more than friendship there. There always has been, if I’m honest.
She chooses Magic Mike XXL. I smirk through my tears. They just keep coming. I can’t feel anything. I’m numb, so how am I still crying. I suppose, my body will continue to grieve for my broken body and broken heart even though I’m working very hard to harden myself against it. The Xanax I took earlier helped some—not enough. I should’ve gone straight for the Valium.
I sigh inwardly. I’ve never abused my meds. I’m not going to start now.
There’s a soft knock at the door and I look to Sandy. She’s as confused as I am.
“Who could that be?” she asks, absent-mindedly. “Do you want me to get it?”
I take stock of myself. Sleep shorts, sweatshirt, hair up in a disastrous bun, glasses on, face red and blotchy from crying, and I’ve likely got dried snot on my nose.
“Nah. I’ll get it.”
I know who it is. Who else would it be? At least he didn’t let himself in with his key—though, with the chain lock, he wouldn’t be able to get in anyway.
I pull up my blue fuzzy socks. Yeah, I’m a real badass. My knees are shaking, my heart racing, and I can’t decide if I want to cry or punch him in the face.
The third time he knocks, I unlock the three deadbolts, then the doorknob lock. Yes, I have issues. I’ve never denied it. I’m working on it. Don’t judge.
I don’t remove the link chain so I can only open the door about four or five inches. I put most of my face behind the door, giving him only my left eye, part of my face and mouth, along with my hand. That’s all he gets.
“Yes?” I ask.
He looks like death warmed over.
Well, pal, that’s exactly how I feel. Welcome to my world.
“Tera—”
“What can I do for you, Xander?” My tone is clipped, though I can’t quite stop the quiver in my voice as I ask.
“Baby—”
“There’s no ‘Baby’ here. Not anymore.”
“Can I come in? We need to talk,” he pleads.
“I don’t think that’s a good idea.”
This is hard, so much harder than I anticipated.
“I need to explain,” he urges.
“No need. Ethan explained it all,” I tell him simply.
His brows rise. “He did? Ethan’s here?”
I nod. “He isn’t at the moment. He and Linc went out for a while.” Damn good thing for him, too. Lincoln, with his current mood, would likely pound on Xander a bit—a bit for Lincoln is too much for normal people. He’s a very big man with very big fists and he knows how to use them. MMA fighting is no joke—especially since he’s underground.
“Oh,” Xander breathes in relief. “So… if you know nothing happened…”
“Why am I not inviting you in with open arms?” I ask with snark.
“Uh, well… yeah,” he answers carefully. Not careful enough.
“It’s like this. We had a deal—one that I needed to be kept.” Especially now. “But you didn’t. You plus chick plus photos plus media,” I laugh mirthlessly, “extensive media, equal deal breaker.”
I’m shaking. I hope he can’t see. I want nothing more than to tell him about yesterday, but I can’t get past today.
He doesn’t respond.
“It’s a real good thing I kept in the background as I insisted, right? You remember. Of course, you do. It was just last week when you tried to get me to go public about everything. And, you know what, Xan? I nearly did. I was about to. I was waiting for you to come next weekend and I would have sat next to you as Rolling Stone interviewed us and we divulged our relationship. But now? I’m really glad I didn’t. I mean, can you imagine the circus? How many paparazzi do you think would be camped out on my doorstep if they knew I was the wife of the rockstar drummer of Falling Down—especially after such publicly damning images.”
He doesn’t answer again.
“How many?” I press.
“I don’t know, Tera. God, T, I’m so sorry. We let down our guard. We were celebrating. We worked so hard to get here,” he explains.
I nod. “At what expense?” I ask, then a sob bursts free. I can no longer contain my false indifference. I fall to my knees and let out a keening wail. Not just for his lies, but for the fact I need to let him go.
He’s on his knees, trying to reach for me through the few inches in the door. For a second he grabs ahold of my sweatshirt, but I pull free “I don’t have the luxury of letting down my guard. I once was carefree and that attitude nearly got me killed. But, Xan?”
“Tera…” he cries.
“I let my guard down with you. I trusted you. I trusted you to be true to our deal—to me, to us. I believed the things you said when we made love this last time, about how I’m enough. Foolish girl.” I shake my head and swipe at my tears.
“No, Tera, please don’t do this,” he begs.
“It wasn’t me who did this. You did this. You and Jesse and Ben and Kennedy and Ethan. You knew the stakes. Every one of you knew and you each made a deal with me.”
“Please, Tera… don’t…” he pleads.
I shake my head, sobbing, on my knees because my legs are too wobbly to hold me up.
“Don’t you see?” I whisper. “I’m not ready for the attention—the limelight. You knew that. You all knew that. But last night, the band came first—for all of you. That was the first time I’ve ever felt betrayed in the nearly four years you’ve been doing this. If I’m betrayed by family—by my husband, who can I trust?”
It all comes out as a whisper, but with the way Xander recoils, you’d think it was a gunshot.
“It won’t happen again, T. We talked about—”
“Stop. Please, just stop.”
“No. Tera, listen to me.”
“I’ve heard it all. You were partying and living it up, letting your guard down, letting the media into places they should never have gotten, while I was here…” losing your baby.
“You were here, what? What, Tera?”
“It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter,” I tell him flatly. I’m in that place again, the one where reality doesn’t exist. The one where only I exist. I’ve been here before. It’s somewhere I haven’t had to go for ne
arly a year.
“Tera!” Xander keeps shouting over and over, reaching through the door, trying to break the chain lock. It’s reinforced. There’s no way he’ll get in without a bolt cutter.
Sandy rushes over, pulling me into her embrace, but I barely feel it. I let myself go limp in her arms and she cries out in shock and anguish.
“What the fuck is going on here!” Lincoln bellows. “God damn it, Mackenzie, haven’t you done enough?”
They’re fighting. With words and fists. Ethan and Dad barely able to pull them apart. I watch with detached fascination.
“Lincoln, you will stop right the fuck now!” Dad yells, and Lincoln pulls back, chest heaving, lip bloody, eye swollen, knuckles raw. I can’t see Xander. I don’t want to.
“Fuuuuck,” I hear Jesse say.
“No,” I whisper. “No. I can’t. Not all of them. No.”
Sandy holds me tighter. “Okay. Okay. Let’s get you to your room. Then they can fight it out as much as they want.”
Bed. Bed sounds wonderful. I can watch movies in my room.
“Listen up!” Sandy shouts. “I’m only letting Matthew in. Only Matthew. The rest of you can wait until we’ve got Tera settled and away from this fucking disaster.” She huffs at them. “Really, boys. What the hell were you thinking?”
Sandy swore twice. She never swears unless she’s so far past her limit she can’t handle it. I hate this. Hate it all. I wish Sandy could come to the void with me.
No one responds to her. She unlocks the chain, lets Dad in, and locks the door once more.
“The only one who can get past that chain is Lincoln, and he’s not going to try. Not today. Not right now,” Dad tells us.
“I don’t care. They can break the fucking door down if they want” I hear nothing from them. I feel nothing.
They help me to bed.
“Which movie did you want?” Sandy asks.
“The Family Stone, again. They’re a good family.”
Dad hugs me. “It’ll be okay, Tera.”
“M’kay, Dad.”
He sighs. “She’s back there, Sandy—only, for a different reason. She just got to some semblance of normal.” He runs his hands through his hair as he paces the floor. “FUCK!” he yells.
