by Anne Mercier
"Thank fuck," Linc mutters, continuing to clean up the glass.
"I'm sorry, Linc," Tera says.
Linc shakes his head. "Don't you dare apologize to me, baby sister. You needed this so fucking bad. I could see it all eating away at you. Yeah, you talked it over with your head shrinker, but you never told the right people. Finally. Finally, I think you'll be able to heal."
Tera nods.
"And you," Linc says pointing at me.
Oh, fucking hell.
"You fuck up with my sister again, and I'll break more than your nose, pretty boy. I'll fuck you up so bad you'll pray for death, but I'll never give you that out. She didn't get it, so neither do you. She's stronger than all five of you Falling Down pussies put together. If any of that shit happened to you, you'd be whining every minute of every day for the rest of your life. But not Tera. Hell fucking no, not Tera. She's still got shit to work on, but she's kicking ass and taking names. Workin' it out like a boss, baby sister," Linc says, then goes back to sweeping up the glass.
That's a lot of glass. She threw a lot of shit.
"I'm so proud of you, Tera. For today. For yesterday. For every day before and the ones still to come. I admire your strength and will to go on. Anyone else would've given up," I state.
"Maybe," she replies. "But I'm not anyone else."
"No, you sure aren't. You're the one and only Tera Louise Ramirez Mackenzie."
"I'm exhausted."
I sigh with her as she rests her head against my shoulder. "Me too."
"I'm making you some of that mandarin tea shit," Linc shouts.
"He takes care of me when I lose my shit. Without him, I'd have had to take it all out on Shea, and she'd have found you and castrated you before she murdered you," she states matter-of-factly.
"Yikes. I admit I'm more than a little afraid of Shea. She's truly wicked."
Tera yawns. "I want you to know, Xan, I never slept with Carter… wait. I did sleep with him. I never had sex with him. We came up here and talked, fell asleep, and woke up to Lincoln's bellowing."
Thank you, Jesus. I knew you were listening! "I thought for sure you did and that you'd go back to him."
"Looks like I was the only one who learned the first time around. It wasn't him I wanted, remember? It was you. It is you."
"Even after… everything. All my fuckups… the sex tape?"
"That sex tape still grates something fierce, but yeah, Xan. Even after."
"Can I kiss you now?"
"You better."
We kiss the day away. We talk—really talk like we used to. She tells everything, and I do the same. I tell her honestly about Jesse and the threesomes we've done together. She confesses that while the thought of a threesome is hot, she could never do it. She could never screw Jesse, and she could never be with another guy in front of me.
It'd kill me, and she knows it. I can't imagine what it feels like for her to have seen me with all those models, to have watched the tape. God. I'd kill a fucker.
I carry her to her room where we lay facing each other, legs intertwined, holding hands—not wanting to let go. I don't make any moves on her. We're too fragile for that. We just keep kissing and holding one another until we fall asleep
This is where I belong. Here, with my wife. I will never go another day without her in my life. Never.
16
TERA
We settle into a comfortable life. Xander visits me as often as he can, sometimes staying weeks at a time. Jesse, Ben, Kennedy, and Ethan show up out of the blue when Xander stays for lengthier periods of time. It's like they can't be apart that long.
They go through therapy sessions with me—sometimes here and sometimes via Skype. It's helping all of us so much. I can see they're lighter than when they came here the first time after I "purged", and it makes me so happy.
What's even better is, I'm learning to be happy again.
When they come to one of my shows, no one there recognizes them, and I laugh when they're almost insulted by it.
"Fuck these people," Jesse curses, all affronted. "How do they not know who we are? We're Falling Down, motherfuckers!"
I laugh at his outrage. "These are artistic people. They likely don't do 'rockstar'."
"Losers, every one of them," Jesse insists. Then he goes on to tell me how they're artists, and in the end, I let him win. He's got a point… just not the same kind I was trying to make.
But that's okay. We've learned to compromise. We've learned to negotiate when we need to. We've learned to be family again.
One night after we make love, I ask Xander if he's upset with me for not being able to be with him outside of my comfort zone.
"Never. I've lived without you once, Tera. I'll take you any way I can get you for as long as you'll let me," he assures me.
It's then that I finally start to live—really live again. It's then that I begin to believe in happily ever after again. It's then I allow myself to be completely happy and whole with my family and the man I love.
THE PRESENT
17
TERA
“How is Jamie able to afford a jet?” I ask Linc. Jamie “Jabs” Royal is one of Linc’s fighter buddies. Their underground isn’t so “underground” anymore. They’ve become very popular, but they like this mid-level status they’re at.
I, personally, think Linc could kick some serious ass at the UFC level, but he keeps telling me he’s not in it for the fame. Every time he says it, I roll my eyes. He loves the attention, but then again he does like his privacy.
“He’s made investments,” Linc answers as the car we hired drives us to the airport.
“You’ve made investments,” I remind him.
“I have,” he agrees.
“And?” I prod.
He smirks. “I could buy a jet if I wanted to. But I don’t travel enough to justify the expense. Royal is always going somewhere.”
I nod. “With his harem of sluts.”
Linc laughs. “They’re not sluts, T. They’re his girlfriends.”
I roll my eyes—again. “Girlfriends,” I say making quotes with my fingers. “He should be saying, girlfriend. Not plural.”
“He is who he is,” Linc tells me with a shrug.
“Yeah, well.”
We fall into a comfortable silence, and I take in the sights—sights I haven't been able to enjoy for over a decade. Sights I took for granted and never will again.
“Look at that skyline. It’s so beautiful,” I tell Linc, pointing out the sunrise.
He grunts and takes another drink of his coffee.
“You should learn to appreciate it. You could be like me and not get to see it in forever,” I remind him.
“I appreciate it. I’m just not looking forward to flying.”
Linc’s never liked flying—not even when we were kids. “I told you, we could have taken the train or gone on a road trip.”
“Hell no. There is no way you’d be able to handle being on a cramped train for that long no matter how much therapy you’ve had. I have issues with it. And road trip? With you? Listening to your music? Fuck the fuck no. You’d turn on some Bieber or some shit like that,” he replies.
“Maybe I’d play some Biebs, but at least I wouldn’t play she who shall not be named,” I tease.
“All you gotta say is ‘Evil’ and I know who you mean. Ben knew what he was doing when he nicknamed her that.”
I nod. “True story.”
“Are you anxious, Tera?” Linc asks.
I shrug a shoulder. "Of course, I am. I wouldn't be me if I weren't, but I'll be okay. I have my anxiety exercises, and it's really just the airport that I'll have issues with."
“Both here and there.”
“Here more than there. I’ll be too excited when we get there to think much about where we are and who’s around,” I fib.
“Lies. You’ll think. You’ll worry. You’ll fret. But you’ll make it through because you’re the strongest you’ve been since the
attack.”
“It’s not easy. It won’t get easier. I’ll always have the anxiety, and that really sucks. I hate that people did this to me. I hate that people are still doing this to others. I hate that it’s more commonplace than it was when it happened to me and that people have actually gotten so used to it happening they aren’t even as outraged anymore.”
“I hear ya, baby sister. The world has become a fucked up place. All we can do is try to make it better instead of worse.”
“We’re here already?” I ask, yawning. That decaf coffee didn’t help. Ugh, decaf.
We get our luggage, and Linc takes care of everything. I take a seat in one of the chairs in the terminal and begin the wait to board the plane headed to Los Angeles—and Xander.
I people watch. It's interesting watching people, trying to figure out where they're from or where they're going. It was part of my therapy when I got to the point I could do it, to look at people—I mean really look at people and imagine what they’re thinking or doing, where they’re going, etc.
A businessman in a well-tailored navy suit hurries down the walkway, weaving effortlessly between the other travelers. He's an experienced traveler, I deduce. He's probably hopping a plane to DC for some political thing. He carries himself like a politician or lawyer.
"What're you doing?" Linc asks.
"People watching."
"No one's going to hurt you, T."
I thought that once, too. I give him a forced smile. "Not with you here, my hulk-like brother."
He flexes his arm then smacks the muscle with his other hand. "No way they'd get through me."
I snort when I notice more than one woman standing and staring.
"Stop flexing. Either that or start handing out drool rags," I tease.
Linc looks up and chuckles. He nods at the women. "Ladies."
"I'm surprised they didn't giggle like schoolgirls."
Linc wiggles his eyebrows. "Wouldn't be the first time."
"Ack," I reply. Yeah, my brother has muscles upon muscles, and I can see the appeal. I suppose he's not bad looking in a bad boy kind of way.
"Stop staring," Linc tells me.
I shrug. "Just trying to see what they see."
He leans back in his chair. "I'm pure awesome from head to toe."
I laugh. "You stole that from Xander, didn't you?"
He shakes his head. "Nope, just expanded it and added 'from head to toe'."
"Well done, big brother. Well done."
Someone sits in the bank of chairs behind mine I smell it—whiskey on their breath and cigarette smoke that clings to their clothes and hair. It reminds me of them. I get icy, numb from fear. I sit and listen. Will he say something?
"Stop, Tera. It’s not him,” he says.
And it’s not—him. Them.
I snap my anxiety wristband, reminding myself I am in control, not my anxiety. I snap it again and reassure myself no one's going to hurt me. I snap it a third and final time, then close my eyes and take calming breaths just as I learned in therapy. In through the nose, out through the mouth. Again. Again. Again. I finally feel calm.
“Royal’s got someone coming with one of those cart things. He refuses to let, and I quote, 'your hot sister walk so far. That wouldn't be gentlemanly.'" Linc scoffs. "That guy has had the hots for you since the day I met him."
I laugh. "He is hot and muscular and sweet—"
Linc heckles when I say the word sweet.
"But I'm not in the market for a new man. I've already got one," I answer.
Linc pauses and looks down at me. "Do you?"
"Good question, big brother."
"This might be more difficult than you think."
"Yeah, I know. He's got an amazing life going on. He’s in love with Jesse’s wife. He plays daddy to their babies. He may not have room or want to make room for me anymore." I sigh, then straighten my shoulders. "Know what? He doesn't get a choice. He asked me to go there and I worked my ass off to be able to get there, so now he's gonna get what he asked for."
Linc whistles. "Tough words."
"It's Xan, Linc. What we have? That doesn't disappear no matter how long we've to live on different coasts. Besides, he just came to visit."
"I hope you're right. Ah, here's our ride. Let's go get your husband."
I think I've got a right to be a little afraid and less than confident right now. After all, I was the one who chose to live my life there. But, I did go through hell to get where I am now. Everything I do, everything I’ve done, it’s all for us.
18
TERA
Shit. I'm nervous. Linc and I are walking up to the door of this huge mansion Xan calls Casa Falling Down and I can't help it. My jaw drops. I don't belong here. This… this is so much. I'm the girl from the wrong side of the tracks and Xan's always been from the rich side. Right now, I'm feeling that distance, even if I've made more than a good living for myself.
"Relax, Tera," Linc says.
I wipe my hands on my jeans. "Easy for you to say. This is it. Do or die. Yes or no. Either he's gonna be happy to see me or he's gonna throw me out."
"Jesus. Stop freaking out. He asked you to come here, remember?"
"Yeah, sure, two years ago!" I retort.
"Do you really think he'd take it back?" Linc asks.
I shrug. I've heard about his family. I've heard about Lucy. I know all about her and I don't like it. But then, there are things he doesn't like about my life, either—though, those things, or people, as they were, have been left behind.
Linc presses the doorbell. We hear voices—lots and lots of voices. Loud voices. I step a little to the left, slightly behind Linc.
"It'll be all right," he encourages.
I look up to meet his eyes. "What if it's not?"
"Then, little sister, we leave," he says quietly.
"I can't ask you to do that again."
"You aren’t, and you never did. That was my decision, and this would be as well," he corrects.
"But what about you and –"
I'm cut off when the door opens and a cute little pixie of a girl greets us.
"Merry Christmas!" she shouts.
"Merry Christmas," Linc and I answer with grins.
"Oh boy," I whisper as Jace Warner opens the door further.
"Didn't we just talk about opening the door by yourself, Kadi?"
"Daddy," she says, clearly exasperated. "Uncle Jesse said we have more security than Fort Knox. I think I'm safe."
Jace laughs as he looks up at us. "Seven going on thirty."
Linc and I laugh.
"Can I help you?" Jace asks, scratching the back of his head.
"Um…" I begin, a little star struck. "We're looking for Xander and the guys."
"We're friends, not stalkers," Linc clarifies.
Jace nods. "Yeah, there's no way you'd make it past security if you weren't on the list."
Linc nudges me with his elbow. "See? We're on the list."
I nod stiffly. I'm not feeling real reassured right now.
Jace opens the door even further. "Come in, come in. Join the chaos that is CFD on Christmas morning." Then he extends his hand. "Jace Warner."
"Uh, yeah, I know who you are." I'm freaking star-struck. My mouth is hanging open and there’s nothing I can do to stop it.
Linc nudges me again and Jace smirks. Linc holds out his hand.
"Linc Ramirez."
Jace's eyes widen. "No shit? Dude, welcome home."
"I take it the guys talk about us?" Linc probes.
"Oh yeah. For sure. And you are?" he asks me.
"Oh. Duh. I'm Tera Mackenzie."
"Happy to meet you—wait. Wait, wait, wait." He holds up his hands and cocks his head to the side, eyes wide. "Did you just say Mackenzie?!"
I huff. "I'm guessing he didn't tell you that part, huh?"
Jace scratches the back of his head again. "No, can't say he has."
"Isn't that just like a man," I bite out, stepping
into the house.
"So… you're Xander's wife?" Jace asks.
When I answer with a simple, "Yes," the entire household goes quiet.
"Tera?!" I hear someone yell. "Where is that girl?" Jesse.
He comes striding out of a room with Christmas bows stuck all over his head and… a bathrobe? He is totally domesticated. Whoa.
"There she is," he shouts. When he spots Linc, his grin gets even wider, those dimples winking. Oh, Jesse Kingston is still as pretty as ever.
He lifts me up and twirls me in a hug. "It's damn good to see you."
"You, too," I tell him, tears filling my eyes. "I've missed you," I whisper.
"I've missed you, too, little one. I'm so glad you're here. He is going to go nuts," Jesse informs me as he sets me down.
"Yeah?" I ask, hopeful.
Jesse nods. "He's been waiting."
I nod. "I had things to work out first."
"You don’t ever have to explain yourself to me. And you, you son of a bitch," he says to Linc, grabbing him into one of those man hugs where they slap each other's backs.
"Jesse. You fucker," Linc replies.
"Ah, I feel the love," Kennedy says as he walks up and hugs me tight, so tight. I hug him just as close. I breathe him in.
"You still smell like home, Kennedy," I tell him.
"I am your home. Never forget it. Xan is gonna lose his shit," Kennedy tells me with one of his rare huge smiles.
"Fucker," Linc greets Kennedy.
Ethan walks up and doesn't say a word. He just wraps his arms around me, burying his face into my neck. I rest my cheek on his head.
"Oh, Ethan," I say, not even bothering to hold back the tears now. It's a losing battle.
"Tera," he whispers. "Thank you."
"I'm sorry it took so long," I reply.
"You're here now. That's all that matters," Ethan tells me, standing up, wiping his eyes. He looks to Linc and smirks. "Linc."
Linc pulls him into a hug, but this one doesn't have any of the slapping he had with Jesse and Kennedy. This one is an eye-closing, heart-thumping hug. I sigh inwardly. I knew it.
