by Eric Vall
Chapter 1
I seriously couldn’t believe this was Hell. Just minutes ago, my friends and I had been fighting for our lives against Vermis, the Devil Worm, in the sleet-covered, horrifying desolation of the Third Circle.
Now?
We were on a grassy landscape reminiscent of the rolling hills of Europe, with its beautiful beds of flowers, large mountain valleys, and bright rays of sunshine.
However, as much as I wanted to take it all in, I had to remain cautious. We weren’t in Switzerland or Germany or France, we were in the Fourth Circle of Hell. The Circle that was the domain of Azazel, my arch enemy and the demon who’d had it out for me for almost two years now.
“Yo, Jakey,” Todd’s voice interrupted my thoughts. “You want a puff of this blunt? You’re lookin’ awful philosophical over there, and a hit on the ‘ol reeferino could help you get to that next level.”
I turned around and saw my three friends sitting happily on the ground. Todd the imp was leaned back with a rather large blunt in his hand.
“No thanks, Todd,” I said with a shake of my head. “I need to be on my A-game for when we finally find Azazel.”
“Relax, bro,” the imp argued as he exhaled a puff of smoke. “That fight with Vermis felt an awful lot like a climax, which means we probably got at least another day or two’s worth of adventure before we hit the next big bad.”
I raised my eyebrow at the imp curiously. “This isn’t a video game, Todd,” I reminded him. “We could fight the ‘big bad’ at any point in time.”
“Nah,” Todd scoffed. “We haven’t fought any mini-bosses yet. We got plenty of time. Pop a squat, Jakey. Take some hits of our new strain … soak in the rays of this beautiful weather … fuck, I’m so happy to not be worm food right now I don’t give a fuck if you wanna raw-dog the girls right here and now! Just let me get outta your way here--”
“Todd!” I reassured the imp and held out a hand to keep him from moving. “It’s alright, I swear.”
“Alright,” he retorted with a shrug. “Suit yourself.”
He took a deep puff from his joint and then passed it to Tristitia, the Sister of Sloth. The brunette succubus’ eyes shone with glee as she inhaled the sweet leaf, and then she offered it to her sister, Ira.
The Sister of Wrath plucked the lit joint from Tris’ hand and rolled it between her fingers as she studied it. Without warning, she pressed the lit end against her right forearm and winced in pain as it sizzled and burned her skin.
“Ohhhh yeah,” she mumbled orgasmically. “That’s the good stuff.”
Todd threw his hands up in the air and stood up from the ground. “That’s it, Toddster out,” he said as he scampered away toward a nearby tree.
Once the imp was a few feet away from the large oak, he surrounded his body in black Hellfire and kicked off into the air. The three-foot tall imp soared up into the branches of the tree, and a huge flock of bats scattered out of its thick leaves with a series of panicked screeches.
Yup, still in Hell.
I turned back to the two succubi, walked over, and joined them on the ground.
“Why’d you go and do that, Ira?” Tris sighed. “There were at least fifteen more hits we coulda taken off that. Twenty if we really rationed it.”
Ira shot her sister a glare of pure insanity. “Because, my dear,” she explained with a crazed chuckle, “we all nearly just died. As much as I enjoy getting a good pounding from large, phallic-shaped things, that was too close for comfort. I needed a release, and that was the closest thing I can get down here.”
“Well that was our release,” Tris sighed. “We’re sure as fuck not going to get any more of the good stuff, especially in the Fourth Circle!”
“Guys, guys,” I chuckled as I sat myself between the two succubi. “There’s no need to fight. I know tensions are a little high right now, but it’s all gonna be alright. Now, if you don’t behave yourself, I’m going to--”
“Punish us?” Ira said excitedly. “Tie us up? Whip us with a rusty chain? Give us paper cuts all over our bodies and then rub salt in the wounds?”
“Uh … I was gonna say ‘send you back to Earth,’” I admitted.
Ira’s look of joy turned into a deep frown. “Oh,” she sighed. “That’s not a very good punishment at all.”
“Exactly,” I shot back and put my arm around the two women. “So don’t make me do it. Now, while we’re taking a little break, why don’t you tell me about the Fourth Circle. This looks nothing like what I read about in The Inferno.”
“Of course not,” Ira said with a click of her tongue. “Rumor has it Dante never actually even came to this one. He based his writings on things he heard from inhabitants of the other eight circles.”
“Really?” I questioned. “Why didn’t he make it here?”
“I thought you were supposed to be a library full of demonic knowledge?” Tris asked coyly. “Everybody knows he avoided this Circle because of Azazel.”
“But he talks about meeting the Devil--”
“Lucifer!” both succubi hissed in unison, and I threw up my hands in surrender.
“Okay, Lucifer,” I corrected myself. “Dante specifically talks about meeting Lucifer, but he was too scared of Azazel?”
“Jacob … ” Ira said with a twinge of worry in her voice, “The Prince of Darkness might be sadistic and powerful, but his brutality is nothing compared to Azazel’s. That’s why we were all so shocked you beat him the first time.”
“Seriously,” Tris added. “That was some top-quality television, my dude. It put Chuck Norris vs. Bruce Lee to shame.”
“I just went with my gut.” I shrugged. “And that was when I was way less powerful. Now that I’ve got six awesome succubi at my side and a whole new set of powers, the asshole doesn’t stand a chance.”
“I wouldn’t get too cocky, Jacob,” Ira warned. “The first time you fought the King of the Fourth Circle, he completely underestimated you. He thought you were a simple mortal who was destined to get squashed under his hooves, just like all the other men who’ve challenged him over the years. Little did he know … ”
“Wait,” I said in disbelief. “There have been other men who’ve challenged Azazel in combat?”
Tris let out a long sigh and slapped me playfully on the back of the head. “Duh,” she laughed. “Get with the program. That’s kinda, like, the whole point of the Fourth Circle.”
“The jousting,” I pondered aloud.
“That was the one thing Dante got right about this level of Hell,” Ira continued. “But even then, he completely fucked up the description. He said people jousted by pushing giant bags of money at each other, money so heavy they could never carry it back with them, even if they tried. It’s a laughably bad description.”
“And it’s also physically impossible,” Tris added. “Bags of money they can push at each other but are too heavy to carry. Ha! How would they push them if they couldn’t carry them? This may be a place filled with sadistic Hellfire magic, but the laws of physics still apply.”
“So what do they do, then?” I asked curiously. “Is it literally jousting, like with the armor and the horses and all that?”
“More or less,” Ira explained. “Ever since Azazel took over the Fourth Circle, he’s held these tournaments, or ‘jousts,’ as he calls them. They’ve changed over time. During the Stone Age, he had people going at each other with sharpened rocks on the ends of sticks. Then, as time progressed, the fighting styles and weaponry evolved. At one point, he had people fighting gladiator-style.”
“So what is it now?” I pursued further. “Do people fight with tactical gear and military-grade artillery?”
The Sister of Wrath shook her head. “I believe he briefly tried that out, but th
en he went back to medieval-style,” she said with a shrug. “He said something about how modern weaponry was ‘too painless’ and how he preferred to see people bash each other’s brains in with a mace.”
“That’s too much work,” Tris sighed. “I’m getting tired just thinking about it. That’s why I use pistols. Ya point, squeeze, and bang! Target is toast.”
“That’s exactly why he went back to medieval weaponry,” Ira chuckled. “It’s not a very exciting tournament if the round is over in seconds.”
“Did somebody say ‘over in seconds?’” Todd giggled as he reappeared on the grass in front of us. “That was my nickname in college.”
The three of us looked at the imp, wide-eyed, and then began to laugh uncontrollably. He just stood there with his arms crossed over his chest and his eyebrow raised, completely clueless.
“What’s so funny?” he asked cautiously. “My ex girlfriend gave me that nickname. It’s because whenever she needed a booty call, I’d be over in seconds. Luckily for her, Todd’s sausage express offers free delivery to all customers.”
Tris put her hand out on the imp’s shoulder and tried to compose herself. “Oh, honey, no … ” she explained. “That’s not what that nickname means at all.”
Todd shot the succubus a look of confusion. “What else could it possibly me--ohhhhhhhh,” he said as the realization dawned on him. “Goddamnit, Katie! Now that I think about it, her other nicknames for me were pretty similar. The Flash … Zippy … Speedy Gonzalez. Though, I admit, I’d still argue she called me that because I did a killer Speedy Gonzalez impression. Wanna see it?”
“No thanks, ‘Over in Seconds,’” I guffawed. “We’re just talking about Azazel’s tournament. Apparently he has Shades here in the Fourth Circle fight to the death for his enjoyment using medieval weapons and armor.”
“Pffft,” Todd scoffed with a roll of his eyes. “Medieval tournaments are for pussies. One on one in clunky armor? Royal Rumble is where it’s at.”
“Royal Rumble?” Tris asked curiously.
“Oh yeah, Slothy,” Todd explained as he hopped up on a nearby stump. “It’s this thing in wrestling where a fuckton of guys get in the ring, and then they all fight each other at the same time. The last one standing wins.”
“That sounds deliciously violent,” Ira cooed.
“It is, Crazy Eyes,” the imp continued. “Like the time Ric Flair got in the ring and took out dudes for a solid hour. He won the title belt and everything. With a little bit of help from the Hulkster, of course. Me and Jakey here watched it live, and it was the most epic thing I’ve ever seen.”
“More epic than Raph and I taking down an Archangel?” I questioned sarcastically.
Todd spun around, slapped his hands against my cheeks, and looked me deep in the eyes with his beady orbs. “The. Most. Epic. Thing. Ever,” he reiterated.
“That sounds like a blast,” Tris giggled. “Maybe when Jacob takes over the Fourth Circle, he can switch the tournament.”
“Hold up.” I glanced over at Tris, but my head was still stuck firmly between Todd’s hands. “When I take over the Fourth Circle? Why would I want to have dominion over a level of Hell?”
Todd squeezed his hands against my face tighter and pulled me back so I could look into his eyes. “Why wouldn’t you want to own a level of Hell, bro? The possibilities are endless!”
“If you keep pulling me closer, one of those possibilities will be our lips touching,” I mumbled.
Todd’s eyes widened in horror, and he let out an audible gasp as he released his grip on my cheeks. In an instant, the imp surrounded himself with black Hellfire and zipped backward, as far away as he could get from me.
“That was a close one,” he sighed with relief. “Thanks for the warning, Jakey!”
“No problem, bud,” I chuckled and then turned back to the succubi. “So what’s this about me taking over the Fourth Circle?”
“Once Azazel is dead, somebody will need to take over his domain,” Ira explained. “I know Hell isn’t the optimal place to live, but you can make it your own.”
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. “Make it my own?” I muttered in disbelief. “This is a place of eternal damnation. I don’t want any part in making people suffer for the rest of time.”
“You don’t understand, Jacob,” Ira sighed. “It doesn’t have to be all fire and brimstone and torture. The King of the Circle is the one who decides its rules. Why do you think the different levels of Hell are so different? Lucifer doesn’t care what you do within your own domain as long as you don’t bother him.”
“So I wouldn’t have to inflict pain on others?” I reaffirmed.
Ira shook her head. “Not at all,” she argued. “Sia mentioned there is a ‘contract’ every Demon Lord has to sign when they get started. I’ve never seen it before, but I’m pretty good with the legal stuff. Let me and her take a crack at it, and I’m sure we can find you some sort of loophole.”
“I dunno.” I shrugged. “Watching over an entire dimension of Hell is kind of a lot of responsibility.”
“And work,” Tris added. “It’s a loooot of work.”
“Look,” Ira shot back, “if you don’t take it over, somebody else will. And that person will surely be one of Lucifer’s most ruthless and cruel. You’d be doing everyone who is sentenced to this Circle a favor.”
“Yeah, Jakey,” Todd chimed in as he floated over above our heads. “We’ve been stuck in shitty apartments all our life. Sure, we’ve got Quinn’s mansion now, but is it really ours? We just kinda stole it from the guy. But if we had an entire dimension to ourselves? Think about it, bro, we could all have our own individual mansions!”
“I could finally have a studio for jammin’ in,” Tris sighed fondly.
“And I could totally have a full-on radio station to produce segments of Tuesdays with the Toddster,” the imp added. “Fuck, with enough space and capital, I could fund my very own paranormal channel! We’d have to figure out how to broadcast it interdimensionally, but we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.”
I turned to Ira and cut her off just as she was about to throw out her two cents. “I already know what you’d want,” I chuckled. “My ex was obsessed with those books.”
The dark-haired demon placed her hand against her chest and gasped with offense. “Why, I was going to suggest I could run my campaign out of here,” she said innocently with a wink. “What ever did you think I was going to say?”
“I guess I could build a nice little brick house, with a decent backyard and a two-car garage … ” I pondered aloud. “I could invite Mom and Dad down for the holidays … Todd, I think we finally found the American Dream.”
“Yeah,” the imp snickered. “We just had to travel to Hell to do it.”
“So is that a yes?” Ira asked happily.
I gave her a nod of confirmation, and she jumped up and down happily.
“I knew you’d come around,” she said with a grin. “As crazy as it sounds, Hell has been my home for millennia. It’d be nice to come back here and live with a newer, kinder master.”
“First things first,” I observed as I pulled myself to my feet, “I can’t be the ruler of anything if we don’t find Invidia, rescue her, and then kick Azazel’s shit in.”
All three of my friends let out a weak “yeah,” and then looked at me with horrified expressions on their faces.
“You--you want to do what to Azazel?” Tris asked.
“It’s an expression,” I explained with a roll of my eyes. “Like, I’m gonna shove my foot so far up his ass--”
“Sounds wonderful,” Ira giggled.
“Why didn’t you just say ‘I’m gonna kick his ass’ then?” Todd questioned. “It sounds a lot more badass. The thing you said makes me think you need to throw in a ‘no homo’ afterwards.”
“Fine!” I conceded. “We need to go and kick Azazel’s ass. And save your Sister. Is that better?”
“Much better,” Todd cack
led. “Now let’s go kick his shit in. No homo.”
“That’s the spirit,” I laughed. “Now, where is Azazel’s castle? You two should know its location, right?”
Tris and Ira looked at each other uncomfortably for a second or two, and then they looked back at me and shook their heads somberly.
“I know what it looks like,” Ira explained, “and I know the surrounding area. But I have no idea where we are right now.”
“Do you think any of the others would know?” I asked as my hand flitted over the tattoos on my right arm.
We’d used the Porta ad Inferos to get down here, but it required a powerful spell to open up the rift between the dimensions. This meant there needed to be at least four casters up there at all times to hold it open, so only two of the succubi could be down here with me. Thankfully, we’d been clever enough to do a soul-merging spell, as well. This allowed me to summon any of the girls I wanted at any time via a tattoo that represented them.
Ira’s was, no surprise, a whip, but not just any whip. It was an image of the flaming whip she used in battle, with a hilt made out of her own arm bone. Tris was represented by a long, thick blunt already blazing and ready to hit.
The other girls had their own symbols that were perfectly fitting for their personalities. The fallen angel, Cupiditas, was represented by a pair of night-black angel wings. Libidine, the succubus of Lust who also had the ability to control people’s minds, was shown as a picture of her own glowing purple eye. A hand aglow with gold Hellfire was Superbia, the madame of the Circle of Sin and the healer of our team. Last, but certainly not least ,was the enchanted double-sided battle axe. This was the weapon of Gula, the fiery redhead who was our seasoned warrior as well as our personal culinary artist.
“Superbia might,” Ira admitted with a shrug. “But even then, I don’t think charging right into Azazel’s castle head-first is a good idea.”
“Bro, it’s like you’ve never even played a dungeon crawler before,” Todd sighed. “You can’t take on the boss without leveling up first.”
“Todd’s right,” the Sister of Wrath continued. “You may have defeated Azazel on Earth, but this is his domain. He’s going to way more powerful down here, and he’s going to have a lot more henchmen to back him up.”
