by Eric Vall
Chapter 6
Eligor used her elemental powers to return her bunker back into the ground and then covered it with fresh-grown grass. The knight must have had an excellent handle on her magic, because once she was done, the spot looked precisely as it had when we’d first arrived.
She brushed her hands together nonchalantly, and then we were on our way.
“The Festival of the Dejected One,” Cupi whistled as we walked across the sprawling valley. “I’ve never actually been to one of those before. We succubi were always too busy with our own duties, not that Azazel would have let us go out and have fun anyways.”
“You’re not wrong,” Sia sighed. “I usually accompanied Azazel to this festival, but even then he would never let me leave his side. I was stuck doing whatever he wanted to do.”
“Sounds like a typical marriage,” Todd observed with a chuckle.
“You always were the Father of Warfare’s favorite,” Eligor prodded at Sia. “I wasn’t surprised when I’d heard the rest of the Circle of Sin had abandoned their posts, but you? I figured you’d stay with Azazel forever.”
“Hardly,” Superbia scoffed as she stared daggers at the knight. “I may have been his ‘favorite,’ and he may have granted me slightly more freedom than the rest of my Sisters, but I was still his slave. Everything I did, he forced me to do. You really think I wanted to come to Earth Realm and sit through a plethora of dull classes to earn an impractical piece of paper that said ‘MBA’ on it? Do you think I wanted to be in charge of managing my Sisters, the people in this world who I hold most dear? Watching them get used and tortured by their cruel master? Of course not. I did what I had to do to survive, and to ensure none of my Sisters stepped out of line and made a fatal mistake. So please, Eligor, spare me the talks about being Azazel’s ‘favorite.’”
“Yowzas!” Todd whistled. “I think I need a cigarette after that tongue lashing.”
Eligor’s expression turned to a frown, and she ignored Sia’s words as she continued ahead.
However, Superbia wasn’t done.
“Jacob has already shown he is ten times the man Azazel ever was, and then some,” she spat. “He’s a just leader, a kind soul, and a generous lover. I’d like to hear you say the same for your bosses.”
Eligor shook her head and clicked her tongue. “I guess it’s all in the eye of the beholder, isn’t it?” she said smugly. “That sounds so … boring to me.”
“Oh, you want a bad boy streak?” Todd interjected. “I’ll have you know Jacob fucking Ralston was the epitome of ‘bad’ in college. He had the jean jacket and the slicked back hair and everything.”
The imp shot me a wink, but I felt my entire face flush. I was a lot of things when I was younger. The epitome of badass was not one of them. But I couldn’t be too angry at the imp. He was just trying to be a good wingman.
“Thanks, Todd,” I muttered and then tried to steer the conversation back on track. “Why is it called the Festival of the Dejected One? I have never once heard of Lucifer going by that name.”
“It’s a jab at the Exalted One,” Cupi explained. “If you’ll remember from your history classes, the medieval period was defined by his worship. Literally, every single thing people did in those days was intertwined with the Exalted One. They had a damn festival or parade or celebration every single week. Obviously, Lucifer got annoyed by that shit, so he demanded the people of the Fourth Circle worship him in the same manner.”
“That’s metal as fuck,” Todd whistled. “Is it bad that I’m actually kinda excited to see this now?”
“It’s actually pretty nice,” Eligor admitted. “There’s lots of food, vendors, shows, and goods to check out. It’s basically like a giant Earth bazaar, but with a million better things. Of course, we’re not seeing anything if we don’t get over this mountain.”
The five of us had been walking for nearly an hour through the beautiful valley filled with lilacs and the occasional tree or two, until we finally reached the base of the mountain that sprawled up before us.
“Can’t we just fly over?” I asked curiously. “Most of us have wings or telekinesis.”
Eligor shook her head. “It would be too dangerous,” she warned. “You’d be fine for the first thousand feet or so, but then the winds get very, very harsh. We’d all get tossed around like ragdolls up there, probably right into the jagged cliffs.”
Todd squinted and looked up at the sprawling mountain. “Sooooo, no bueno?” he asked.
“No bueno,” I reiterated.
“Thankfully, we don’t need to climb,” Eligor offered. “You’ve got an elemental magic user with you.”
The blonde knight closed her eyes and concentrated. The lime-green Hellfire started out at her core before it spread casually across her arms and came to a stop in her open palms. The magical flames swirled around for a moment before two vibrant beams shot forth and struck the base of the mountain.
The spell spread across the rocky landscape like wildfire, and a faint rumbling began from deep within the formation. Then the ground beneath us trembled as a few small rocks from the mountain crashed down around our position.
I noticed a human-sized crack was now beginning to form in the mountain, and it grew wider and taller with each passing second. Finally, the crack was ripped open by the green flames, and before us stood a perfectly-shaped tunnel.
My mouth fell agape as I took in what I was seeing. I’d seen other magic users with elemental powers in action before, but never anything like this. What Eligor just did was fucking incredible.
Eligor lowered her hands, let out a sigh, and then looked at us with pride in her eyes. “Who wants to lead?” she asked. “It’s a pretty straightforward system.”
“Uh … ladies first?” I suggested and motioned for the succubi to go.
Sia and Cupi shrugged, and then they sauntered forward into the darkness. I saw one of them call red Hellfire into their hand to illuminate the tunnel, and they were getting further away by the minute.
Eligor was next, followed by Todd, and then finally, it was my turn.
Todd had summoned a tiny ball of red Hellfire into his hands, and the angle of the light caused our shadows to dance up the walls like shades in a funhouse mirror. Our footsteps echoed through the tunnel as we headed through the mountain, and I noticed the walls were glistening with a thin layer of clear liquid. For a moment it reminded me of the sludge-covered walls of Vermis’ lair and the labyrinth of caverns we’d run into back in the Third Circle.
Thankfully, I was pretty sure this was just groundwater, and not a giant devil worm’s excretion.
We ventured on for another hour or so, stopping occasionally for a short rest or swig of water, until we finally saw a literal light at the end of the tunnel. The five of us exited into the warm sun and brisk breeze as our eyes adjusted to the change in lighting.
As my irises narrowed and my vision became clear, I could see we’d popped out onto the edge of a large chunk of land with several fields, peasant dwellings, and a village and castle off in the distance.
“Now I really feel medieval,” I observed as I looked around at the scene in front of me. “This looks like it was ripped right out of one of my textbooks from high school.”
“It’s a noble estate,” Eligor explained as she lifted two glowing lime-colored hands into the air.
The fallen angel brought her hands together in front of her body, and the chasm in the side of the mountain began to seal with an earthy groan. In seconds flat, it was as if the human-sized hole had never existed.
Eligor wiped her hands together proudly and turned around to take in our shocked faces. “Don’t look so surprised,” she said coyly. “I’ve been perfecting my craft for years. What kind of a spy would I be if I went around Lucifer’s domain scattering clues everywhere I went? The Demon Kings of Hell might be egotistical, but they’re far from stupid. Even the slightest fuck-up could spell the end for this whole mission.”
“So, just hypoth
etically,” Todd asked nervously, “if someone were to say, leave their DNA in the locker room of the coliseum, that would be a bad thing?”
Eligor’s face contorted into a look of disgust. “It all depends what kind of DNA this person is talking about,” she admitted.
“Todd, please tell me you weren’t doing what I think you were doing,” I cringed.
Todd crossed his arms and looked at me with pure annoyance on his face. “Of course not, Jakey,” he scoffed. “I’d never dingle the fig in a men’s locker room. Jesus, what do you think I am, some sort of twisted freak?”
“Of course not,” I sighed, “I just thought--”
“I did leave a massive log in the shitter, though,” Todd interrupted. “I was just sitting there, doing my business, and then the next thing I knew the damn thing wouldn’t flush, bro! I tried again harder, but then the water just kept rising up, and I skedaddled out of there before anyone could pin it on me. Are we gonna get caught, Goldilocks?”
The imp looked over at Eligor with sheer terror in his eyes, but the knight only raised an eyebrow.
“He has those little nicknames for everybody,” I whispered. “Just go with it.”
“Uh … they surely could get a sample of your DNA from that,” she admitted, and Todd let out a flustered gasp. “But who would want to? I believe we’re safe for now. Just be more cautious the next time you... defecate.”
Todd stood up straight and saluted the knight. “Aye aye, captain,” he promised. “From now on, I’ll shit in the fields. It’ll be way safer that way, and I’ve always wondered what it’s like to wipe with a leaf. It’ll be like I’m one with my surroundings.”
Eligor was visibly disgusted, and she took a moment to recompose herself before she turned back toward the estate.
This noble estate was massive, but thankfully there were plenty of visual cues that pointed us in the right direction. For starters, there was the giant-ass castle that stood all the way at the back of the landscape.
That was pretty hard to miss.
Even if the huge visual magnet hadn’t been there, throngs of people were huddled together on a small road that led up a small hill and toward the distant village. That must have been where our festival was taking place, and where our oracle would be located.
“I guess we need to follow the lemmings,” Todd suggested.
The imp took a step toward the road, but I threw up a quick wall of purple to halt him in his tracks.
“Hold up, there, Todd,” I chuckled. “We want to look as inconspicuous as possible.”
The imp turned around and tilted his head curiously. Then, realization appeared to dawn on his face.
“Got it, Jakey,” he said as he shot me a finger gun. “Inconspicuous. Got it.”
The imp crinkled his face like he was trying to hold in gas. His tiny brow furrowed as he pursed his lips, closed his eyes, and allowed his entire body to shake. Then the skin on his upper lip began to bubble as if it were boiling, and a bunch of bristly-black hairs popped through his skin like disgusting play-doh noodles. When all was said and done, Todd was the proud owner of a large black mustache.
“There,” he huffed as he wiped his brow. “Now nobody will recognize us.”
“I was thinking more ‘human’ and less ‘imp,’” I admitted with a laugh. “Although I do like the mustache. It makes you look like a porn star.”
“Jakey?” Todd said thoughtfully. “That’s the greatest compliment you’ve ever given me. But I get it, more meatbag and less godly imp bod.”
Todd flexed to reiterate his point, and then his entire body began to bubble and contort. This time, his legs only grew about a foot longer than normal, and his stubby arms stretched into human-sized ones. As the imp grew taller, he also grew wider. Like, much wider. His horns retreated into his head, but only a small wreath of horseshoe-shaped black hair replaced them.
He may have been adorned in medieval-style clothing, but I instantly recognized the fat, balding, middle-aged man he’d turned into. It was Mr. Batson, our bastard of a landlord from back in Albuquerque.
“You likey?” the imp asked in the landlord’s gruff, blubbery voice. “I figured if anybody would blend into one of the Circles of Hell, it’d be this fat fucker.”
I grinned from ear to ear. “You have no idea how much that makes my day, bro.” The five of us smoothly slid into a small crowd on the road and did our best to blend in. Thankfully, I still wore my knight’s armor from the battle in the coliseum, so I fit right in.
Sia and Cupi had to borrow some period-appropriate clothing from Eligor, so they both were in loose-fitting full-body dresses. The garments were light brown, and each of the three women wore a dirty cream-colored scarves over their heads to further hide their identities.
“I really wish we had more options,” Sia whispered. “Brown isn’t my color. I’ve found if I have to wear clothing, I much prefer red.”
“It’s not mine either,” Cupi added. “I’d rather be wearing white right now. It matches my hair way better.”
“Well, unfortunately, neither of those would work in this Circle,” Eligor interjected. “White cloth gets beyond dirty thanks to the filth, and red was only worn by prostitutes in this ‘time period.’ That would be fitting for two succubi, but it’d also make us stand out like a sore thumb. Not to mention, all the unwanted attention from the men.”
“So. Many. Unwashed dicks.” Todd shuddered. “That’s gotta be ground zero for every STD in the book, bro.”
“We actually do bathe down here,” Eligor scoffed as we walked past a few peasant dwellings. “This whole ‘medieval’ thing is all just for show. The majority of the people in the Fourth Circle aren’t even from that time. Most of them are modern folk like you two.”
“Ehhhh, I dunno … ” Todd argued as he pointed to a man pushing a plow behind a zombified ox. “Does that look like an hombre who showers? He’s probably got cow shit in places he didn’t even know existed.”
We continued down the road for another mile or so, until we finally reached the entrance to the village. It was built exactly like Thea, with its ten-foot high wall around the perimeter and buildings made out of a variety of outdated materials. However, in this village, the sign bearing its name had been torn down and replaced with a banner that read The Festival of the Dejected One.
I couldn’t help but laugh at the banner. It looked like it had been thrown together with Wordart or Paint or some other simple graphic design program, and it was a far cry from the look of the rest of the village.
“I guess Hell’s not full of graphic designers,” Todd snickered and nudged my side.
“That is the understatement of the century,” Sia gagged. “It looks like a trained monkey threw it together. Actually, scratch that. That’s insulting to a trained monkey.”
“As much as I’d love to sit out here and admire Azazel’s font choices,” Cupi spoke up as she stepped toward the gate, “we’ve got a Secretary of Hell to find.”
“Finding him is the easy part,” Eligor explained. “It’s the getting him to talk that’s going to be the hard part.”
“You don’t think he’ll help us?” I asked curiously, but the knight shook her head somberly.
“Berith and I are on good terms,” she admitted, “but the Unhallowed Sword is one of Hell’s most powerful weapons. He’s not going to give up its location willingly. Lucifer would hold his head in the Lake of Fire itself just for divulging that information.”
We passed through the gates of the village and huddled up in a small alley, away from any bystanders or eavesdroppers.
“We need a plan, then,” I said as I racked my brain. “Anyone have any ideas?”
“Could we get him drunk?” Cupiditas suggested.
“Berith doesn’t drink,” Eligor explained. “He says it makes his head too foggy to do his duty.”
“Well, there goes my plan,” Todd said with a shrug. “I was gonna suggest we get him high as a kite. I know for a fact that the sh
it Slothy and I make can knock a demon on their ass.”
“That’s … that’s actually not a bad idea, Todd,” I admitted. “Do you have any of it with you?”
Todd crossed his flabby arms and laughed so hard his large belly jiggled. “Jakey, Jakey, Jakey,” he muttered. “This is the Toddster you’re talking about. I had Slothy sneak me a few doobies when she came down here last. If I didn’t have weed on me at all times, I would literally die.”
“Is that a thing that happens to mortals?” Eligor asked with surprise in her voice.
“It is for Todd Masterson,” the imp in disguise noted.
“But wait,” Cupi protested and shook her blonde locks, “if Berith refuses to touch alcohol, how the fuck are we going to get him to light up a doobie?”
“D-did Cupi just say the word ‘doobie?’” Todd asked, fake tears filling his eyes. “I’ve never been prouder, my bodacious blonde.”
“We don’t have to get him to light it up,” I explained. “We just have to get him to inhale the smoke. Contact buzzes are a thing, you know.”
“Please,” Todd scoffed. “That’s only a myth people cooked up to make people think weed was evil and shit.”
“I’ve lived with you for nearly ten years, Todd,” I laughed. “Trust me, you can get a contact high. It just takes a fuck ton of smoke to make it happen.”
“But who would be willing to intoxicate themselves enough to--” Eligor began.
Before she could even finish her sentence, Todd began to leap up and down in the air. “Pick me, bro!” he exclaimed. “After much deliberation, the Toddster has decided he’ll take one for the team.”
“Okay, so Todd has a joint on him,” Cupi continued, “but that’s not even close to enough to get a contact high. We’d need sooo much more to make this work.”
“It’s like you don’t even know me, Cupi,” Todd sighed. “You know that duffel bag in the car? The one Jakey always brings along on our adventures?”
“The one that’s supposed to have all of our emergency prep stuff?” I asked hopefully. “The bag that has maps, first aid kits, and the GPS?”
