I tossed the paper aside. "That's one invitation I could do without."
I rarely miss the morning Chronicle, but the morning after Gerard's death, I had a meeting and forfeited my espresso and paper-reading time. Instead, I grabbed an espresso on the run and decided the local news could wait.
Bad choice.
During my meeting, my cell phone rang over and over. Though it was silenced, the screen flashing with Jason's name annoyed. I had two unheard messages from the night before and he'd called several times during the meeting. What's the deal? Getting needy, lover boy?
I picked up my phone from the conference table where I was meeting with yet another CEO and dropped it into my briefcase. No reason to let it distract me. At the end of the meeting, Mr. CEO went all philosophical on me droning on about how the death of a friend makes you reevaluate your priorities. Blah, blah, blah . . .
"You knew him too, didn't you?"
Okay, I admit, I tuned him out for a few minutes—I was focused on the business discussion we'd just had. That is my job, after all. I sifted through the portions of the conversation I had heard and tried to figure out who he was talking about.
"Gerard Bouvier. Aren't you connected to him? Seeing his brother-in-law or something?"
I tried to make the connections. "Gerard? What about him?"
"Oh no, I'm sorry. You haven't heard?"
"Heard what?"
"He . . . uh . . . died last night. Massive heart attack."
"What? Are you kidding me?" I'm sure my mouth was hanging open like some gasping fish. I reached back into my briefcase, grabbed for my phone, and scrolled through my missed calls again. I had five messages from Jason since the night before. And I'd been playing hard to get.
Okay, sometimes, I'm a total idiot.
"Will you excuse me?" I didn't wait for his response. Instead, I gathered up my things while listening to Jason's voicemails.
"Andee . . ." He was quiet for a minute and then continued. "Please call me. I . . . need . . . to talk to you."
I'm such an idiot.
"Andee, please call me. Something's happened. I need to talk to you."
Then came the morning calls. "It's me again. Andee, Gerard . . . Gerard died last night. I . . . I want to talk to you." His voice cracked on the last word.
Okay, a total idiot!
I didn't listen to the other messages. I got the gist of it. I called him before I was even out of the building. I'd witnessed the friendship between Jason and Gerard the weekend we spent in Napa. Last weekend. Could it really be just a few days ago? And now . . .
The reality was, is, hard to grasp. Their friendship was hard for me to grasp too. Friends are a luxury I haven't made time for. Or something like that. But I knew Gerard's death would be hard for Jason in ways I couldn't understand.
But hearing the emotion in his voice rocked me in unexpected ways, and I wanted to be there for Jason. I wanted to try to understand. I tried not to overanalyze my feelings.
Feelings?
"Get a grip, Andee."
AS I DRESS FOR Gerard's funeral—funeral, memorial, whatever—I put thoughts of Jason aside and think through the practical aspects of the day. I don't like this kind of thing, but this service is the place to be seen today. Anyone who is anyone in this city was sure they wrangled an invitation. Not only was I invited to attend but I will be seated, at Brigitte's request, in the section reserved for family and close friends.
"You've come a long way, baby," I tell myself. "This will be one of the social events of the year," I say to Sam who's sprawled across the chair in my dressing area. It will be somber, of course. But nonetheless, it will be a media circus, despite Brigitte's invitation-only decree.
I respect her control. When you're visible, you need to protect yourself from the public, while also making sure you're visible to the public. It's a balancing act.
Brigitte.
I think again of her call to me the afternoon after Gerard passed. I laugh. "That woman is a piece of work." My respect for her has grown as we've worked together. She is a model for my philosophy: Drive determines destiny. She is single-minded and bent on her goals.
But something about her call bothered me.
I reach into the velvet-lined drawer in my closet where I keep my jewelry and remove a pair of pearl studs and a pearl bracelet. The perfect accessories for the designer black suit I'm wearing. I put the jewelry on and then stand in front of the mirror.
"Classic."
Sam mews his agreement.
What was it about her call that continues to agitate me? Brigitte is a businesswoman and there was business to attend to. That's all.
Just as I have all week, I put the thought aside.
WHEN I ARRIVE AT the cathedral, I'm ushered to a seat in the row just behind the family. Brigitte, Jenna, Jason, Bill, and Max, the family attorney, sit together. Jason asked me to attend with him, but I declined, telling him he needed to be focused on supporting his sister. Plus, I wanted distance—the opportunity to observe rather than participate. I lean forward and place my hand on Jason's shoulder and whisper to him. "How are you holding up?"
He turns, puts his hand on mine, and mouths, "Okay."
I squeeze his shoulder and then sit back. I will acknowledge Brigitte and Jenna after the service. And Bill, of course.
I pick up my handbag, stand, and move to the end of the pew so others don't need to step over me as they're seated. From here, I can see Jenna and Brigitte's profiles—it's a better seat.
Others are ushered to the pew including a tall, dark-haired man and his fashion-plate date. Oh, make that wife—I notice matching gold bands. His dark, mussed curls, his lopsided grin, and toothpaste ad perfect teeth are heart stoppers. His impeccable attire doesn't seem to match his persona though. The fashion plate dresses him, I'd bet. They sit just behind Jenna and Brigitte. The heart-stopper leans forward, places his hand on Jenna's shoulder, and whispers something in her ear. She turns in her seat, and hugs him across the top of the pew.
There is an intimacy between them that's unmistakable. Unless she's blind, the fashion plate sees it too. And so, I notice, does Brigitte. I see her glance and then turn and watch the embrace. Then she turns and looks at the couple behind her. She nods at them, but I don't get the sense that she knows them.
Who. Is. That? Inquiring minds want to know!
This event is becoming more interesting all the time.
Soon, another woman is ushered to our aisle. Her gauze skirt and denim jacket are so . . . inappropriate. She looks like a flippin' flower child. The hunk and the fashion plate scoot down and make room for her. They seem to know her. She, too, leans forward and she kisses Jenna on the cheek. Again, Jenna turns and hugs the flower child. They embrace for a long time, the flower child whispering in Jenna's ear the entire time. When they part, I see the flower child checking out Brigitte.
Brigitte's disdain is palpable. Ha!
Jenna's friends. And not friends chosen by Brigitte. Maybe Jenna isn't as passive as I thought.
I focus my attention, for now, on the family.
Jenna sits close to Jason, who has his arm around her shoulders. And Bill sits on the other side of Jason, but I notice, he reaches over and whispers to Jenna and seems to reassure her often.
Brigitte seems statue-like. An appropriate expression of bereavement in place, but I notice her eyes shifting, looking, watching. Max is seated on Brigitte's left at the end of the pew. There's a comfortable distance between he and Brigitte. Jenna sits on Brigitte's right but there is enough space between Brigitte and Jenna for another person to be seated between them. They offer one another nothing—no warmth or comfort.
Brigitte, it occurs to me, is an island.
And for some reason, the thought agitates me.
I think again of
Brigitte's call last week, just one day after Gerard's death. Yes, his death will impact Domaine de la Bouvier in some ways, but her business and financial concern seemed misplaced so soon after her son's death.
There's a disparity between who I thought Brigitte was and who that call revealed her to be.
This is the source of my agitation. Regarding Brigitte, the columns in my head aren't adding up and I don't want to work the numbers to find out why. But I have to. It's what I do.
I begin a mental tally. For each characteristic I've attributed to Brigitte, I negate it with another characteristic I've seen. I add. I subtract. I come up with a bottom line. The sum of who she is.
A sum that is far from appealing.
Perhaps it's the setting—a service to memorialize a man who was still in his prime when he dropped dead—that makes me introspective. But today I can't help comparing myself to Brigitte. In a Dickensian moment, I wonder if I'm being given a glimpse into my own future.
If so, I don't like what I see.
I glance at her again, surrounded by the wealthy, powerful, and beautiful. Yet, she is alone. There have been no hugs or words of assurance for Brigitte. And being alone, I sense, is what she fears most. That is why she called just after Gerard's death. To manipulate. To control. To ensure she'd never be all alone.
I am privy to the vast Bouvier financial holdings. Yet, money didn't prevent Gerard's death. Or his father's death.
The hand of control only reaches so far, Brigitte.
I think again of the way Brigitte models my philosophy. I consider the words: Drive determines destiny. I think back to my college English classes and, for the first time, it occurs to me that drive, in the context I use it, is a noun. Drive meaning ambition. But when drive is used as a transitive verb, it's attached to an object. And now I see the object of Brigitte's drive is fear.
The thought disgusts me.
I shift in my seat and put my chin to my chest to ease the tension in my neck and shoulders, then I lift my chin and do the stretch again.
This whole line of thinking is ridiculous.
This is why I like numbers. Absolutes. Plug in a variable, and you can still count on the outcome. But when you're dealing with emotions, the outcome is a crapshoot. Those aren't odds I deal in.
There are similarities between Brigitte and myself. But so what? I can learn from her mistakes. And adjust my own life, right?
I look at Jason again and remember the sense that I should hang on to him. Well, maybe I will. It doesn't have to be an emotional decision—it can be a practical decision. Okay, the fact that he's financially destitute and doesn't even know it poses a problem. Can I get over it?
Maybe. There's no doubt I have enough money for the both of us. There are, I imagine, benefits to having a kept man.
I settle in for the duration of the service satisfied that the time has proven productive.
Oh, Love! You are the pure, total, simple truth which is expressed not by me, but by You through me.
JEANNE GUYON
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
Jenna
A WEEK AFTER Gerard's services, Brigitte still hasn't spoken to me beyond the absolute necessities, like the pleasantries spoken before and after the services when others were watching. Otherwise, she's communicated through Hannah and the other household staff. I am accustomed to following her lead, so I haven't made any attempts to initiate a conversation either. It's evident she still blames me for Gerard's death. But as time passes, questions nag.
Does Brigitte expect me to continue living with her?
How were things left in Gerard's trust?
Will I be provided for?
Does she know Gerard asked me, more than once, to care for her should anything happen to him?
Does honoring Gerard's wishes mean that I have to live with Brigitte?
These are the questions that plague me as I lie awake at night. During the day, I vacillate between denial, grief, and acceptance. There are both tears and moments without feeling.
But at night, my mind and my heart race.
Though I'm attempting to participate in the dance Matthew suggested and allow God to lead, so far He seems to be standing still.
So I wait.
Eight days after the memorial service, Brigitte taps on the door of my suite.
"Come in," I call from the sofa near the window.
She comes in and stands in front of me. "I think it would be good for you to get away for a few days. To get out of the house. Take some time to . . . regroup, oui? I've called Marcus. He and Estelle are expecting you. When you come back"—she waves her hand in the air, like she's brushing away something distasteful—"we'll deal with the trust and . . . issues."
She turns to leave.
The idea of the valley is appealing, but . . . "Wait, Brigitte. What . . . what will you do?"
"What do you mean?"
"While I'm gone. What will you do? Will you . . . will you be okay?"
She sighs and her eyes speak of her weariness. "I'll be fine. I have business to attend to. You focus on yourself."
It is so like her to act as though nothing has transpired between us. To move forward without a backward glance. An apology. An acknowledgment of any sort. These are the times that leave me feeling crazy. Doesn't she remember blaming me for Gerard's death?
Once she's gone, I get up from my desk and head to my closet. I will pack now and leave this afternoon. An idea took root just days after Gerard's death, and now I will implement it. The music has begun playing, and my Partner is reaching for my hand.
He will lead.
I pack a few items of clothing—most of what I need is already there in my closet at the chateau. Then I go to the back of my closet and reach for the sealed dress box that I keep on an upper shelf. I search for the matching shoes, and then open the safe and take out a small turquoise-colored ring box. I place the box in an inside pocket of my suitcase, and close the suitcase.
I am grateful for Brigitte's suggestion and the sense of purpose I feel.
Before I leave, I sit back at my desk and write a quick e-mail to Skye letting her know where I'll be. And I type another to Matthew:
Dear Matthew,
I am heading to the valley for a few days where I will carry through with the idea I shared with you. Just wanted you to know.
Following His lead,
Jenna
I send the e-mails, shut down the laptop, and pack it to take with me. Then I go downstairs and tell Hannah that I'm leaving. Less then forty minutes after Brigitte's suggestion, I'm on the road.
MY FIRST MORNING IN the valley I wake long before dawn, roll over in bed, and reach for Gerard. I experience his death all over again when I realize he isn't there. I lie there, alone, yet not alone. I sense God's presence—His nearness—as I have since the night Gerard died. The dark room seems alive with Him, as though the walls are inhaling and exhaling.
This is the day that I have made, rejoice and be glad in it, Jenna.
Yes, this is the day.
I get out of bed and get ready to go.
I park the old ranch truck in front of the cave entrance, reach for the bag I packed, and get out. I stand by the truck for a moment. The air is cool and the scent earthy, organic. The rolling acres of vines appear as mere shadows. Above me a silver moon is slung low and a million stars twinkle their welcome—a heavenly host here as witnesses. The hush of predawn stills the fluttering of my heart and prepares me for what's to come.
I thought of doing this in the prayer chapel, but the memories of our time there together are still so fresh—the grief still raw. Instead, I opted for the cave.
A new place for a new beginning.
I pull the flashlight from my bag and shine it in the direction of the cave—the beam of
light illuminates the massive oak door fitted to the mouth of the cave. I look heavenward again and smile in anticipation.
He is here.
And He waits for me.
For these moments, I will set my grief aside.
I walk to the cave and shine the flashlight on the small panel next to the door. I key in the alarm code and hear the faint electronic whir of the alarm disarming, followed by the click of the lock releasing. The heavy door glides open with just a push. Just inside the entrance is another panel—this one a series of switches that light the cave. I touch just one switch and small lights come to life along the bottom of the cave walls, illuminating the path ahead. I make my way into the cavern and head for the alcove bored into the side of the cave, just a hundred yards or so from the entrance. It is a space used for private tastings or small parties. Beyond here are hundreds of barrels filled with aging wines and champagnes. I point the flashlight along the back wall of the alcove and see the three large, wrought-iron candelabras standing guard. I switch the flashlight off, drop it in my bag, and reach for the lighter I brought. I click the lighter on and let the flickering flame lead me to the candleholders.
One by one, I light the dozen tapers in each stand. Behind the candelabras hangs a large mirror in which the three-dozen flames are reflected, bathing the alcove in a warm hue. I stand back and watch the shadows dance on the wall of the cave. In the center of the alcove, just as I requested when I called ahead yesterday, is a small table covered with a white linen cloth and two chairs. There are three candles in the center of the table. I light the outside two and leave the one in the middle to be lit later. There is also a decanter of red wine, a glass, and a round of sourdough covered with a white linen napkin on the table.
I slip my coat off and drape it across the back of one of the chairs. Then I smooth the ivory satin, ankle-length dress I'm wearing—the one in the sealed box I brought with me. My mother's wedding dress. I'd wanted to wear it when I married Gerard, but Brigitte had insisted on a gown created for me by the French designer, Monique Lhuillier. It was beautiful, but held no meaning for me. I turn back to the mirror and study my reflection. The glimmering light disguises my scar and I can almost believe it isn't there. Instead, the pearls at my lobes and neck shimmer, as do the seed pearls sewn on the bodice of the simple dress.
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