by Anna Wilson
‘I left Rob and Finn ten years ago,’ Yuki continues. ‘As I say, family is a tie that constrains us. If we are to find the true meaning of our lives and remain individuals, we must break free from the bonds that hold us. In the ashram I can meditate, create, and use my own space however I wish.’
Rob gets up and collects the tea mugs, even though they are not empty. He makes a loud noise with the washing-up.
I have to say I am changing my opinion about Yuki pretty fast. She makes her life choices sound pretty selfish. Why would anyone have a kid and then decide that ‘family ties them down’? I’m glad Finn’s not in the room right now to hear what Yuki has just said. I can see why he is not that impressed with his mother.
My mum, on the other hand, seems more and more impressed by what she has just heard. She sits up. ‘Ten years ago, you say?’ she asks.
‘Yes,’ says Yuki. ‘I had to find a way of nurturing my artistic child,’ says Yuki.
‘Oh, you have another child?’ says Mum, her forehead wrinkling.
Rob gives a hollow laugh. ‘No, Yuki means she left to discover her creative side. Not easy being an artist when you live with a builder,’ he says.
Finn and Harris reappear as Rob is saying this. Finn looks so miserable I almost feel I should give him a hug. I’m not surprised he’s upset. It is bad enough that my dad died, but at least he didn’t choose to leave us to go off and do whatever he wanted.
I hate to admit it, but I am feeling really sorry for Finn Parker.
Mum became more and more cheerful in the days that followed. When I pointed out the fact, she went pink with pleasure and said, ‘I know! Must be all this dancing. So good for the soul! In fact,’ she said, as she rumba-ed around the kitchen table, ‘I think I shall have to go on having lessons once the competition is over.’
This news has not exactly filled me with joy, but it is nice to see Mum so happy all the time.
I have noticed something, though: the happier Mum becomes, the quieter and less happy Harris is.
I tried asking him what was up. He said he was angry with Mum because she said he couldn’t come to the dancing competition. I asked him why and he said, ‘Because it’s too late and she says it’s past my bedtime.’ I told him she was probably right. ‘Maybe kids aren’t even allowed to go,’ I pointed out. But he just shrugged and went back to watching cartoons. He didn’t even perk up when Mum announced her plans for more dancing lessons. I would have thought he would at least be thrilled that Finn would be coming round for even more babysitting.
Which, needless to say, I am not. I am going to have to talk to Mum about this. I really think I am old enough to stay home alone.
Sadly, my complaint is falling on deaf ears. It is the night of the competition and Mum is preparing snacks for us – for Finn – and going through the ‘Checklist of How to Behave’ yet again. As if I am not used to this after months of Finn coming round twice a week while Mum goes out.
‘Please don’t ask Finn round tonight,’ I beg. ‘It’s bad enough that I go to the same school as him.’
‘Skye, darling, don’t be like that,’ Mum says. ‘Rob is so pleased Finn is spending time here. He says it has helped him settle after their move.’
‘Well that’s just lovely. What about me? What about how I feel?’ I say. I did feel sorry for Finn the other night, it’s true, but Aubrey still isn’t speaking to me, and the more Finn is round at my place, the worse things get at school.
‘Why don’t you invite Aubrey round as well?’ Mum says. ‘She could keep you company while Finn and Harris play computer games together.’
I cannot believe Mum has just said this. She just hasn’t noticed a single thing about my life since she started those classes. Something inside me snaps and suddenly I am shouting at her, the words pouring out before I have a chance to check them.
‘Just so you know,’ I say, tears choking my voice, ‘Aubrey is not my friend any more. In fact, thanks to you and your stupid dancing, I don’t have any friends.’
Mum looks as though I have slapped her. I know I should feel guilty for blaming her, but I am so angry with her for putting her ballroom dancing before me that I plough on regardless.
‘You have just been so obsessed with your classes that you haven’t noticed what is going on right in front of you, have you?’ I say. ‘Because of you insisting we get friendly with Finn, I have lost Aubrey. And because of that, she has turned everyone else against me. It was the last straw when you got Rob round to unlock the bathroom to “save” me instead of helping me yourself. In fact . . . oh no!’ A shot of ice rushes through me as it dawns on me what must have really happened that day.
‘What?’ Mum is white-faced. Not as white-faced as I reckon I am, though.
‘Aubrey did it!’
‘Did what?’ Mum tries to catch hold of me, but I twist away. ‘Skye, darling, you are not making any sense.’
‘Aubrey put the video of me falling into the loo online and now I am the laughing-stock of the whole school,’ I shout.
I turn to leave the room, but Mum is too quick for me. She grabs my hand and pulls me to her. ‘Darling, this is awful!’ she says. She lets go of my hand, takes me gently by the shoulders and looks into my eyes, her brow crumpled with concern. ‘You shouldn’t have kept all this to yourself. Why didn’t you tell me? Oh, you poor love!’ She enfolds me in her arms and holds me tight. It would be quite a nice hug if she weren’t wearing a ridiculously long necklace with a large knobbly stone on it. ‘Are you sure Aubrey would do such a nasty thing?’ she mumbles into my hair.
I disentangle myself. ‘I know I saw her texting something when Rob broke the door down. It all makes sense. She’s been trying to find a way to impress the VTs and drop me for ages. Well, she’s done it now,’ I say.
‘Skye, this is serious,’ Mum says. She tilts my chin up to make me look into her eyes. ‘I can’t let this go without reporting it. Even if it is Aubrey. Bullies need to be shown they can’t get away with it – you know that.’
‘NO!’ I yell. ‘It’s too late. If you go charging into school and make a complaint you will only make it worse.’
‘I can’t just let this go,’ Mum says. She looks very anxious now. ‘There must be something we can do about this. Maybe I should talk to Aubrey’s mum instead?’
I shake my head. This is a disaster. Why did I open my big mouth in the first place?
Mum makes me sit down opposite her at the kitchen table. She holds my hand while she keeps talking on and on at me, repeating how serious this is and that she can’t stand to see me so upset, and I know she is there for me, don’t I, and surely there must be a reason for Aubrey’s ‘appalling behaviour’, and on and on . . .
In the end I can’t bear it any more. I snatch my hand away and push back my chair. Standing up, I blurt out:
‘You’re not listening to what I have been saying. I don’t want you to charge into school or talk to Aubrey’s mum. I have already lost my best friend, and that is bad enough.’
‘Skye—’
‘Listen! Aubrey isn’t interested in me any more. She wants to go out with Finn, OK? And she’s cross with me because he is always round here and I haven’t invited her round at the same time.’
‘I don’t understand,’ Mum says. ‘Would that be so bad?’
‘Yes!’ I cry. ‘I don’t WANT them to get together. It would be horrendous. It would be even worse than it is now. I would be completely left out and I couldn’t stand her talking about him all the time.’
‘Ah.’ Mum looks more troubled than ever. I can literally see every wrinkle on her forehead. ‘And – er – you have fought over this because . . . ?’ She hesitates, waiting for me to fill in the blanks.
‘Because he’s an idiot!’ I say, flinging my arms wide. Even as I say the words I am thinking, He’s not that bad. Not as bad as Aubrey, anyway. It’s not his fault she is crushing on him. Maybe I have been the idiot . . .
Mum’s frown clears and she smiles. ‘Oh, r
ight!’ She sounds relieved and goes on to say, ‘I thought for one moment that you were going to say you fancied him too!’
‘Mu-um! Of course I don’t,’ I say. ‘And don’t say “fancy”. It’s gross.’
‘Well, these things happen – friends fighting over boys,’ she says. ‘I’m afraid romance can have a habit of getting in the way of friendships as you get older. But if you don’t both fancy him, then I can’t see what the problem is.’
‘PLEASE don’t say that word!’ I say. ‘You’re still not listening, anyway. I’ve just told you what the problem is.’
I am so exasperated. It is like we are talking two completely different languages.
‘Aubrey likes him, OK? Aubrey, not me. All she wants is to follow him around like some kind of love-crazed parrot that has swallowed a whole bottle of love potion. She is not interested in me any more. She has started hanging out with the cool gang so that she can impress him and she doesn’t want me holding her back. Get it?’ I say. How can I get her to understand how horrible this is for me?
‘Darling.’ Mum keeps her voice calm and comes round to my side of the table. She puts a hand on my shoulder. I shrug it off. I wish she would stop trying to hug me. ‘Please don’t worry,’ she says. ‘It’s only a phase, I promise. I’m sure Finn’s not interested in Aubrey anyway, is he? She’s a bit young for him. I thought it was uncool for Year 9s to mix with Year 8s?’ she adds. ‘Isn’t that what you told me?’
‘Yeah, well it turns out that this particular Year 9 doesn’t seem to follow the normal rules. He likes having an eight-year-old boy as a best mate and he hangs out at school with Year 8 girls. Maybe he some kind of weird obsession with the number eight,’ I add, with a dry laugh.
‘Who else does he “hang out” with then?’ Mum asks.
I wince at the way she says the words ‘hang out’, as though she is putting quote marks around them.
‘The school band. And Izzy and Livvy Vorderman,’ I reply. This is not strictly true: I don’t actually know that he hangs out with the VTs, but he must do, now he is in the band.
‘Ah,’ says Mum again. She nods. ‘Those two have always been nothing but trouble. Haven’t they always tried to make life difficult for you?’
‘Guess so,’ I say.
Mum puts her head on one side. ‘You don’t think maybe it was the twins who posted the video, not Aubrey? It doesn’t sound like her, to be honest. I could ask the school to at least look into it—’
‘NO, Mum! PLEASE.’ I am crying now. I just want to go to my room. I try again to leave but Mum puts a hand on my shoulder again.
‘OK, OK,’ she says. ‘I won’t get involved. This time. But you must promise to tell me if anything like this happens again, OK?’
I nod.
‘Skye?’ Mum persists.
‘All right, yes. I will tell you,’ I mutter, brushing at my tears.
‘Good.’ Mum smiles, but I can tell she is only pretending. I know she feels bad for me, and that makes me feel bad too. I know she only wants to help, but I also know she can’t. She can’t leave it alone, either, it seems.
‘As for this thing with Finn, I’m sure you and Aubrey could sort it out,’ she is saying. ‘Maybe if I asked her round, that would help to smooth things over. If you are alone together and on home territory – I mean, not at school and not with the twins – maybe it will be OK?’
Why can’t she just drop it? I feel anger roar through me again. ‘Mum, stop! I am not six. You can’t go around organizing play dates for me. In any case, have you understood a word I’ve said? What good will it do getting her round here while he’s here? She’ll only want to talk to him, not me. Honestly, you are useless!’
‘Skye . . .’ Mum reaches out to me again.
But this time I really have had enough. ‘Oh, just go to your stupid competition and leave me alone,’ I snap. ‘I’m going to my room.’
I am sitting on my windowsill again. I was writing about the conversation I have just had with Mum. I have found that if I write about things that have upset me, it helps me to sort them out in my mind and it calms me down. I had just finished and was going to pick up The Owl Service and start reading again, when I was distracted by the sound of a door shutting. I looked out on to the street and saw Rob leaving his house and getting into his van. Then Mum came out of our house all dressed up for the dance competition in a flouncy, bouncy, over-the-top red-and-black number, and went over to talk to him. They chatted for a few seconds, then Rob got into his van and drove off. Mum glanced back briefly to our house, then got in our car and drove off as well.
It was then I realized that Yuki’s camper van had gone.
Has she left for her travels again, I wonder? Maybe they have had a fight? It’s a bit strange that no one mentioned it. Which makes me think: Rob always said he would stay in while Finn babysat over at ours. So why has he just gone out? Maybe he is driving after Yuki to get her to come back?
Oh well, I guess he and Mum were chatting just before he left, so Mum knows he’s gone out. Why should I care? It’s not as if Rob has ever come round to check on us while Mum’s dancing, in any case.
There is a vague thought niggling at the back of my mind, though. I can’t pin it down. It’s like a lost memory or a nagging reminder to do something I have forgotten about. I don’t think I can go back to reading now. I feel all fidgety and my bum is going numb, sitting up here. I am going downstairs to grab a snack before Finn eats them all.
I walk past the sitting-room door, expecting to hear the usual electronic pinging and whizzing from the TV screen, but instead it is quiet and I hear the occasional murmur of voices, Harris’s higher voice slightly louder than Finn’s deep mumble.
‘. . . says I can’t any more,’ Harris is saying.
I don’t catch exactly what he is talking about, but he sounds really miserable. Is he still upset about not going to the competition? Is Finn being mean to him? I immediately tense up: if Finn has done something to upset my little brother, he is going to have me to reckon with. I make a move to enter the room and tell Finn to leave Harris alone, then I hear Finn say:
‘Hey, buddy, don’t cry. People can be idiots, you just have to ignore them.’
Harris sniffs, ‘I can’t.’
What are they talking about? I squint through the gap in the door jamb and see Finn scoot over to Harris’s side of the sofa and give him a quick one-armed hug. ‘Listen, d’you want me to have a word? I could pretend I am your big brother?’ he says.
Big brother? A cold spear of outrage shoots through me. Harris doesn’t need a big brother! He’s got me – his big sister. If he is upset about something at school, he should be telling me.
I am fizzing with outrage now, but don’t know how to come in on the conversation without making it obvious I have been snooping.
‘I don’t want to go to school tomorrow,’ says Harris.
Finn sighs. ‘Shall I tell you a secret?’ he says. ‘Nor do I.’
Am I hearing this right? Mr Popular, not want to go to school? I can’t believe that. Maybe it is because he hasn’t achieved entire world domination with his popularity or something . . .
Finn is speaking again. ‘Ever since everyone found out I can’t actually play the drums, it’s been hell.’
‘What do you mean, you can’t play? Are the drums broken?’ Harris says. ‘I think you are an awesome drummer,’ he adds.
Hero-worship. Urgh.
Finn sighs again. ‘No, nothing’s broken. I’m not good, not good enough, anyway, that’s the point. Dad bought me the drums as a bribe for moving here. I started having lessons just before we moved. I was doing OK, not great or anything. And I loved it . . . but then Mum arrived and since then, she’s been on and on at me about how the drums ‘affect our shanti’, and that I should choose a calmer instrument like the flute or something, so I stopped playing.’ His voice is laced with bitterness now.
‘What is “shanty”?’ asks Harris.
‘It means �
��inner peace”,’ Finn snorts. ‘The only thing that was upsetting me was having Mum around,’ he adds.
‘Why did your dad bribe you to move? Don’t you like it here?’ Harris asks. I can hear the confusion in his high-pitched voice. It makes me realize how young he still is. I feel funny. Like I want to run in there and give him a huge bear hug and tell him everything’s going to be all right.
Finn hesitates. ‘I do . . . It’s just . . .’ He pauses again. Then says, in a rush: ‘I didn’t want to move. I had mates where we lived before. I liked my room, my school – everything,’ he adds. ‘I didn’t want anything to change. I don’t like change. I have never liked it. Maybe it’s cos of Mum leaving. I dunno.’ His voice is quieter now. Sullen. And sad.
I swallow. I shouldn’t be listening to this. Finn would hate it if he knew I was eavesdropping on him getting all deep-and-meaningful with Harris.
Poor Finn, though. His mum left him when he was four, he had to move here and didn’t want to, and things aren’t working out for him at school. I can hardly stay mad at him now I know all this, can I?
Still, it doesn’t help me and my situation, I remind myself. I still don’t have any friends either, and Finn hasn’t exactly done anything to help that. Oh boy, I am as confused as Harris now.
I tune back into the boys’ conversation.
‘Dad had to move for his work,’ Finn is saying, ‘and I couldn’t go and live with Mum because she is always travelling around. She needs to be “free to express herself”,’ he adds. His voice has a sharp, bitter edge to it. ‘In other words, she doesn’t want me hanging around and getting in the way . . . I sometimes wish I had a mum like yours.’
I peep through the crack of open door and see Harris snuggle his head into the crook of Finn’s shoulder. ‘You can pretend she’s your mum if you like,’ he says softly.
I am feeling really bad now. I should turn around and creep away, but I can’t.
‘Thanks, buddy,’ Finn says with a soft smile. ‘Anyway, Dad said the move would be good for us and when I complained he promised he would get me some drums and some lessons, cos he knows I have always wanted to learn. He got them before we moved and I started the lessons and I loved it, so I thought, maybe, I don’t know, maybe things would be OK. And then I met the guys in the band at school and that was cool at first—’
