by Lucy Gordon
He dropped his head into his hands and groaned.
‘I know she’s right. If Fyodor knows the truth he might reject Oleg as Dmitri rejected me. I can’t do that to my son. I know what it’s like, and I have to protect him. I only asked her for one more meeting, just Oleg and me, so that I could say goodbye to him. Of course, I wouldn’t tell him the reason. I’d invent some excuse, say goodbye, then go away and never trouble them again.
‘But she won’t even consider it. I’m banished and that’s it.’
‘Come here,’ she said, putting her arms around him and holding him tight. She was wrung with pity.
‘You won’t go, will you?’ he said.
‘Not now. I thought it was what you wanted.’
‘You thought I’d want to separate? Don’t think that for a moment.’ His breath came harshly. ‘Not you. Not you.’
‘All right, if you say so.’
‘But you don’t believe me, do you?’
‘I think you’re full of confusion about…well, about everything really.’
Love had betrayed him at every turn. The man he’d thought of as a father had turned on him cruelly. His real father valued him only at a distance. Now the son he loved was lost to him. Life had taught him that to yield to love was dangerous, because eventually there was only betrayal. And he had thought she too was about to prove that fear was real.
‘I’m going to stay here,’ she said, ‘whether you want me or not. If you don’t want me—too bad. I’m here for life.’
He stared. ‘Do you know what you’re saying?’
‘Yes, I’m saying that I belong to you. If you’ll let me, I’ll move in here. Otherwise I’ll camp outside until you realise that you can’t get rid of me.’
‘Don’t say that if you don’t mean it.’ Leonid’s voice was shaking.
‘I do mean it. I’m yours.’
‘Mine,’ he repeated slowly. ‘You don’t know what that means to me.’
‘But I do. I know how often you’ve been let down, but those days are over. Now I belong to you and you belong to me.’
‘Do you mean—that you’ll marry me?’
‘If that’s what you want.’
‘If that’s what I want. Can you even ask? What I want is for you to be there every moment of every day and night. But I want more. I want to know that you’ll always be there, until the very last moment of my life or yours.’
‘And I will. My promise.’
He took her face between his hands. ‘Do you understand, you are the one person in the world from whom I would believe such a promise?’
She nodded. She understood exactly what he meant. He was drawn to her not only by love, but by the conviction that she was his one hope, the only person he could cling to in total reliance.
His gaze was still on her face, as though he could fix her there for eternity.
‘While I have you the world is good,’ he said. ‘If ever I should lose you—’
‘You never will,’ she vowed. ‘Never. Never.’
‘And you will never lose me. My heart will always be yours. Do with it what you will. It will never want anyone but you. Marry me soon. I want to make sure of you as quickly as possible.’
‘That sounds as though you don’t really trust me,’ she said. ‘You still have doubts.’
‘It’s not you I distrust, but an unkind fate that will try to take you away from me. I don’t know how, but it’ll try, and I’m not going to let it.’
‘We’ll fight it together,’ she assured him.
He kissed her. ‘Mamma will be delighted. Let’s go and tell her as soon as possible.’
‘Oh yes. Let’s do that at once. Is there a plane today?’
There was one in two hours. On their way to the airport, Leonid called his mother.
‘Mamma? We’re on our way. We’ll see you this evening. Something wonderful has happened. No, I won’t tell you now. Wait and see. Bye!’
He hung up and turned to look at Perdita. She thought she had never seen so much blissful joy in any man’s face, and her heart leapt to know that she was the cause.
There was nothing to warn her of the disaster that was about to descend on them.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
THEY FOUND VARUSHKA waiting at the door, eagerly watching for their arrival.
‘Tell me it’s true,’ she cried, throwing open her arms to them. ‘Tell me you’re really going to be together.’
‘How did you know?’ Leonid asked, hugging her.
‘I’ve always known.’ She embraced Perdita. ‘My dear daughter.’
It was wonderful to be welcomed and drawn into the magic circle, Perdita thought. Now, at last, she had a family.
As they toasted each other in champagne Varushka said, ‘Leonid, don’t you remember I once told you that you must always be ready for the special one? And you were. I’m so glad.’
She had cooked an elaborate meal in celebration, but she hardly ate anything herself. Most of her attention was taken up watching Perdita from the other side of the table, sighing rapturously.
‘You must marry her soon,’ she told Leonid as he followed her out into the kitchen later. ‘She’ll be much in demand.’
‘I’m sure she is. She’s beautiful.’
‘She’s also famous. Some men like a famous wife.’
‘Famous?’ Leonid queried. ‘Ah yes, there’s the book she’s ghost writing. She certainly knows some famous people. But how did you know?’
‘I found her in a newspaper. You know since I learned how to use the Internet I go through a lot of foreign newspapers, to see if there’s anything about your father.’
He did know. She only spoke two languages, Russian and English, but she accessed papers in all languages, just looking for his name.
‘I was going to show you this anyway,’ she said, ‘because it’s in French so I’ll need you to explain it to me.’
‘Show me.’
She called up the newspaper and he saw a piece about Amos.
‘But where’s Perdita?’ he said.
‘I found her quite by chance. I was just flicking through and came across her picture. I saved it so that you could tell me what it said.’
There on the screen was Perdita, looking a little younger, though undoubtedly her. But what made Leonid grow tense and still was the sight of the man with her.
There was the same man he’d thrown out of the Paris hotel. He was sitting down, with Perdita standing behind him, one hand on his shoulder. It was the most casual contact, but there was no doubt that they were familiar with each other.
Slowly, reluctantly, with gathering disbelief, he translated the French.
…the devastating journalistic team of Frank Binley and Perdita Davis that pulled off a dozen scoops until they broke up…
‘What does it say about her?’ his mother asked eagerly.
‘Nothing much,’ he said. ‘This was several years ago.’
Perdita, who had stayed behind, now followed them into the office.
‘Hello,’ she said.
‘Perdita, my dear,’ Varushka cried, ‘I was just showing Leonid a piece about you. Come and look.’
She went forward to gaze at the computer screen, while all about her the world seemed to churn in chaos. It had finally happened, the thing she had dreaded. Leonid would have recognised Frank and immediately understood the rest.
She glanced at his face and shivered. Not because it was angry. But because it was dead.
A man made of stone might have looked out of such blank eyes. She’d last seen those eyes full of passion and warmth.
Now they were dead.
‘You must tell me everything it says about you,’ Varushka said.
‘Of course, Mamma, but not tonight,’ Leonid said. ‘It’s getting late. We’ll talk again tomorrow.’
‘All right. Oh, I’m so looking forward to it.’ She yawned. ‘Oh dear. I don’t want to be sleepy now.’
‘But you must rest,’ Leonid said. ‘W
e’ll have plenty of time tomorrow. Here’s Nina.’
He followed them into Varushka’s room, bid his mother goodnight and returned to Perdita. For a while they regarded each other in silence. At last he spoke.
‘It’s him, isn’t it?’ he said. ‘That slimeball is a friend of yours.’
‘Not a friend. We once worked together but it was years ago.’
‘You’re a journalist, working in cahoots with that man.’
‘Not now. It’s in the past.’
‘But you were both in Paris—’
‘That was coincidence. I didn’t know he’d be there. I hadn’t seen him for years.’
‘But you used to work with him, sneaking around, conniving, pretending to be something you weren’t, pretending not to be what you were. And that’s why you were in Paris. It wasn’t an accident that you landed at my feet. You thought I was Travis and you calculated that was a way to get close to him. That was it, wasn’t it?’
‘Please listen to me—’
‘Wasn’t it?’
‘Yes, but if you’d only let me explain—’
‘The last thing I want to hear is your “explanation” of how you played me for a fool. I fell right into the trap, didn’t I? I even made it easy for you by asking for your help. I took you everywhere with me, right into the heart of my family. How you must have laughed!’
‘No, never,’ she snapped, getting angry in her turn. ‘Why don’t you shut up and let me tell you what really happened?’
Leonid folded his arms and stepped back, regarding her with derision. ‘All right, go on. Tell me. I could do with a laugh.’
‘It started as you said, but very soon I realised I couldn’t go through with it. I got…involved. Don’t pretend you don’t know what I mean by that. I abandoned all idea of a story. I couldn’t do that to you.’
‘Oh, please! Don’t take me for a fool. Or perhaps I’ve only myself to blame if you do. I acted like a fool, didn’t I? Falling for your wiles so easily. I even let you compose my father’s letter. What a brilliant sneaky item you must have thought that would make!’
‘No,’ she cried passionately. ‘I did it for you, because I wanted to help you. Nobody else ever heard a word about it.’
His lips twisted in a wry smile that was almost a sneer. ‘I’ve got to hand it to you. You know all the right things to say. I wonder how often you’ve said them before. How many other idiots have you deceived with those eyes and that sympathetic manner? That’s the real weapon, of course: the soft voice, the sweet expression. So convincing.’ His voice became livid with contempt. ‘So well practised.’
‘Stop it,’ she said fiercely. ‘It was nothing like that. I never wrote a word about you, then or since. Yes, I once did show business interviews, and perhaps I broke a few rules to get them. But I gave up after we met. Since then I’ve done nothing but the Lily Folles book, which she invited me to write. And that’s how I’m going to work in the future.’
‘And what difference is that supposed to make? You may have changed since but, even if you have, you still contrived our meeting as part of a deception. It makes me sick to think how nice you seemed, how I felt able to reach out to you. And all the time you were ticking boxes in your head. Fooled him with that lie! On to the next.’
‘But soon I started to feel bad about it,’ she cried. ‘I was already beginning to worry about some of the iffy things I had to do, and realised the time had come to change. I meant to tell you, but I couldn’t find the right moment. Leonid, we’ve known each other for three months. In that time have you ever seen a word in print that could have come from me?’
‘No, but who knows the story you’re planning? You know enough about my family now to make a lot of money.’
‘But I won’t,’ she cried. ‘That’s all over. You can trust me.’
‘Once I thought so too, but a man learns wisdom. I loved you, I believed in you, I thought you were the one who…well, never mind. It was all based on a fantasy.’
He walked away, leaving her in despair. She had always known the truth would be dangerous, but she had seemed so close to escaping the worst. She’d thought the day was dawning when she could tell him about the past as something that was over long ago and could never touch them.
She would not give up hope. Their love was strong enough to overcome this.
Night was falling. She went out into the garden, seeking Leonid, but he had vanished. After wandering about for an hour, she returned to her room and lay looking into the darkness, wondering if darkness would be all her life contained after this.
At last she heard her door open and close.
‘Don’t put the light on,’ he said.
Full of hope, she held out her arms to him, but he stayed at a distance.
‘I’ve just been to see my mother,’ he said. ‘I’ve told her you have to hurry home for family reasons. I’ll take you to the airport tomorrow.’
She gasped at this brutal rejection.
‘Can’t we talk first?’ she begged.
‘Talking won’t change anything. We need a little time apart, to think and feel, and decide what this means to us.’
‘I can tell you what it means to me,’ she said, speaking softly but with passion. ‘I love you. That hasn’t changed. I’m still the same person that I was.’
‘But who is that person?’ he asked. ‘I thought I knew her, and I thought I loved her too. She’s unlike all other people in the world—more faithful, more loyal and generous. Her heart is open to me, and I can place my faith and trust in her without a moment’s hesitation, knowing that she will always be there for me, until the end.’
‘Surely if you feel like that—’
‘But does she exist? I no longer know the answer to that. Could any woman in the world be as perfect as the one who lives in my heart?’
‘Nobody’s perfect,’ she said passionately. ‘I don’t pretend to be.’
‘Nor I. And perhaps you should beware of me. Why do I make so much of this? Why don’t I just say it’s in the past? What matters is what we’ve found together since. Why don’t I just brush it aside like that?
‘Because I can’t. I can’t help what I am. I told you once that I believe love ends in betrayal, and perhaps that makes me unfit to live with.’
‘And that means you think I’ve betrayed you?’
‘It means I see betrayal where no other man would see it. My mother said something to me recently that I can’t forget. She said if I discovered I was deeply in love with a woman I’d run a mile. And she’s right. In that sense I’m a coward, and the best thing you can do is get far away from me.’
‘No,’ she said passionately. ‘The best thing I can do is take your hand and show you the way to the future that we can make together.’
‘Don’t,’ he groaned, dropping his head into his hands. ‘Don’t tempt me with illusions. Don’t love me, don’t trust me, don’t give your life to me because I’ll ruin it.’
‘Because after today you’ll never completely trust me again?’ she asked sadly.
‘Because I can never trust myself.’
She rose from the bed and went to stand before him. In the darkness she could barely see him, but the sensation of him towering over her was intense. Her head swam with the awareness. He was so big, so powerful, so frail and vulnerable.
‘You have me,’ she said. ‘I’ll never leave you. Even if I have to get on that plane tomorrow, I’ll still be here, in your heart, in your mind, in your awareness every moment. You won’t be able to send me away, no matter how hard you try.’
She kissed him, feeling him tremble in her arms. His returning kiss was fervent, passionate, almost pleading, but all her senses told her that he wouldn’t give in. He was trapped by something too strong for both of them.
She took a step back towards the bed. ‘Leonid—’
‘Don’t,’ he begged. ‘Just say goodbye. It’s the only thing left to say.’
He walked out, closing the door behin
d him, leaving her once more in darkness.
*
Next morning Varushka bid her a tearful farewell, making her promise to return soon.
‘We’ll have an engagement party, and perhaps Amos will be able to come. Oh, I’m so happy.’
‘I’m sure we’ll all have cause to be happy,’ Perdita said, forcing a smile.
At the airport Leonid barely spoke a word until they reached CheckIn. Then he looked at her with fierce intensity, and she could have sworn there were tears in his eyes.
‘Forgive me,’ he whispered. ‘I can’t explain, I just…can’t do anything else. Try to forgive me.’
‘Can you forgive me?’
‘Don’t ask me that. I don’t blame you but…if only I could make you understand—’
‘We’ll talk when we see each other again,’ she said.
But in her heart she wondered when—or if—that would be. She walked a little distance away, then turned to look back at him. He was still there, watching her. She smiled and blew him a kiss, but he never moved. She headed on to the entrance to the tunnel, and at the last moment she turned back again.
He was still there, but now his head was sunk down between his shoulders in an attitude of total despair.
Eyes blurred with tears, she walked on.
*
Once back in England, she had more time to brood than she would have chosen. She could feel her heart breaking at the tragedy that engulfed Leonid.
This man who’d ruthlessly achieved wealth and success, untroubled by finer feelings, had bowed his head to her in a manner that was almost submissive. And now the depth of his own love scared him.
Throughout his life, the people he’d loved had rejected him. The man he’d believed to be his father had cruelly thrown him out. His actual father had no true affection to offer.
Varushka’s love for him was warm, but she had turned into a needy child, taking everything he offered but with little to give back. By his own admission he’d become a man who backed away from love because he believed that nobody could love him for long. Reject before you are rejected had become his motto.
But then she had come into his life and everything had seemed to change. Suddenly love and trust were possible, and hope could live for him again. A closeness had sprung up between them so intense that they had both yielded to it. She had opened her arms and her heart to him, and miraculously he had responded with the same depth of feeling. But at the first hint of doubt the bitter lessons of a lifetime had made him retreat.
