by Susan Ward
I lie down and curl into a ball. A part of me is desperate to find out where things stand with Alan. But I’m tired and I’m weak and I’m nowhere near ready to face the unexpected again.
The tears come and I don’t want them. There is so much left to make it through. Talking to Neil and saying goodbye is only the beginning of the road changing again. And I can’t see the road in front of me. Not really. Fuck, I can’t even see clearly the road I’ve just finished.
The past five years flitter though my head. The things I’ve done well and the things I’ve done badly. So much has happened and it’s only been five years.
I close my eyes. I ache to talk to Alan, but my heart warns me not to do it today. There is too much running through me, unchecked and dangerous. Feelings and thoughts. Things I need to say. Other words I’m afraid to speak.
I don’t reach for the phone. I’m not ready yet to see the road ahead of me.
~~~
The wind teases my hair as I walk the shore with Jack. The morning has just started to come alive and the beach has that pleasant freshness and cool misty air of early morning. The only sounds are the surf, the sea birds, and Kaley laughing.
“Are you hanging in there, baby girl?” Jack asks quietly.
I nod. Neil made his apology to me press appearance, but it didn’t dampen any of the speculation in the tabloids since his PR people also confirmed our separation. The rag-sheets have been running full press for two weeks.
“I’m doing well, Daddy. Just taking some time to try to figure out a few things. I don’t know what I want to do with my life and I don’t feel ready to make any decisions for Kaley and me. Not yet.”
“You’ll know what you want when you know. Don’t try to push it.” Jack wraps an arm around my shoulders and gives me a squeeze. “I’m willing to listen if you need to talk. We can think things through together.”
I smile. “I know. I’m just not ready to do that either.”
Jack laughs and I turn my head to hide my expression because I can feel some of my inner turmoil has surfaced to my face. Shit, I’ve been here two weeks. Stalled in every direction of my life. I’ve hired an attorney, but I haven’t started the process of filing for legal separation. I told Neil I’d move out of the mountain house, but I haven’t employed movers to get my things. And I haven’t even talked to Alan. I need to call him back. I don’t know why I haven’t yet.
Why haven’t I called Alan back? Oh fuck, I know why. Other than the one time when he spoke to Jack, Alan hasn’t called me. I don’t know what to make of that. And I’m more than a little afraid to find out what it means.
I sink down on the bottom step of the wooden stairs built into the cliffs and grab Kaley’s shoes from the pile we left there. I shake them to empty out the sand.
I almost call out to her, but then I stop and just stare. Her shiny black curls dance against her back as she runs from Jack, giggling. The smile on her face is mesmerizing, even at three. And those enormous dark eyes shimmer when she’s happy.
Jack catches hold of her and tosses her in the air. Her laughter swirls around me, low and husky for a little girl, but from Kaley it’s charming. Happy Kaley is on hyper-drive today. She loves being with Jack. Happy Kaley is never on hyper-drive… I feel an unexpected tear on my cheek and push away my thoughts.
Jack starts herding her toward me and I force a smile as she runs to me and throws her arms around my neck wanting kisses.
“You’re impossible. Do you know that?” I whisper between loud smacking wet ones on her cheeks.
She pulls back, shaking her head, clearly having had enough of me.
“Let’s get your shoes on you,” Jack says, trying to pull her up against him so I can slip her tiny UGGs on her feet.
She starts moving her leg rapidly so I can’t catch it.
“Don’t want,” she exclaims obstinately.
“There are splinters on the stairs, baby girl, and all other kinds of icky things you don’t want to step on,” I say, struggling to keep time with that darn leg.
“No,” she snaps at me, angry and determined.
Well, that warning did a nifty job. Her brows lower and I struggle not laugh.
I let out a loud exhale, staring up at Jack in exasperation. “God, she is spoiled.”
Jack’s eyes fill with a smile. “I remember another little girl just as spoiled. She’s exactly like you, Chrissie. You turned out OK.”
Laughing, I glare at him. “She’s not like me at all. I was a quiet, mousy, frightened kid. She’s exactly like her father.”
Jack’s expression changes. Oh shit, what made me say that?
“Nope. She didn’t inherit her personality from Neil.”
I feel my cheeks color. I feel Jack waiting for a response to the Neil comment. I stand up, keeping my gaze averted from my dad’s by focusing on trying to still my daughter.
“She’s a handful.” Jack continues laughing. His humor melts and his voice turns serious. “But the best things in life are never easy. Don’t pass on something you really want just because it’s not easy, Chrissie.”
My heart does a somersault and my face snaps up, but Kaley breaks free of Jack, darts past me up the stairs, and he is already running his way upward to catch her.
My dad grabs her and disappears from the cliffs. I sink down on the sand and stare at the water. What the hell just happened here? Did Jack just tell me, in that folksy way he has without saying things directly, that I should try to make a go of it with Alan? Is that what the fuck just happened here?
It’s what I want, to be with Alan. To love Alan. To have Alan love me. Why do I stay here with Jack and do nothing? Why am I afraid to even try?
The minutes tick by without a feel of realness or answers. I love Alan. Why isn’t that an easy thing? Shouldn’t love be easy? But it’s not. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. What Alan wants me to do. What the right thing is for everyone.
Jack’s voice floats through my thoughts. The answers are always simple if you let them be…let them be? Is that why I’ve made such a mess of my life? I don’t know how to let things be simple. Loving Alan has never been a simple thing for me.
I trot up the steps and cross the yard. By the time I reach the patio, Jack and Kaley are already sitting at a table eating breakfast. I take the coffee from my place setting.
Jack looks up from his plate. “You’re not eating?”
I shake my head and drop a fast kiss on Kaley’s curls. “I’m going to take care of a few things, Daddy, if you could let Kaley hang with you a little while longer.”
Jack smiles, but his eyes are alert. “Go do whatever you’ve got to do. Don’t worry about us.”
I go into the house to my bedroom. I shut the door and sink down on the bed. Crap, it’s only ten in the morning. Is it too early to call? Alan is probably still sleeping. I grab the phone and dial his number anyway.
Ring. Ring. Ring. Please don’t let it be the service. I don’t want to leave a message and I suddenly need to talk to him today. Since I left the beach, it has bordered on painful.
“Yes?” a voice speaks into my ear.
Alan. He answered the phone himself, in that abrupt go away manner of his. My heart starts to accelerate. A tell; his answering his phone himself. He’s been waiting for me to call him.
My fingers tighten on the receiver. “Hi. It’s me.”
A pause. “I know. I saw it on the caller ID. I didn’t think it was Jack calling me.”
I laugh, even though that wasn’t the response I wanted from him.
“Chrissie—”
I cut him off. “I’m sorry I didn’t call sooner. I should have. There’s been a lot going on here.”
More silence.
“I was beginning to think you wouldn’t call,” Alan says. “In fact, I almost left for New York today. Then changed my mind about an hour ago and didn’t.”
Every muscle in my body tenses. Weird, blunt Alan honesty. I don’t know what I’m supposed to
make of that one.
“I’m glad you didn’t leave,” I say.
“Are you doing all right, Chrissie?”
I tense. Why did he change the subject?
“I’m good, actually—” I search for something funny to say, something to lighten up this call that is going not at all the way I expected. “—which is odd. I should probably be depressed between seeing a divorce lawyer and pretty much moving back in with Jack in the same week, and my days seem to consist of spending most of my time staring at the ocean with Jack, trying to figure out what to do with my life. Pathetic, huh?”
He doesn’t laugh. Oh shit.
“So long as you’re doing well. That is what’s important. I meant it when I said if you need anything, ask. I’ll help you any way I can.”
His voice is different this time, and why the hell did he repeat that again? I feel my body cover in icy pricks.
“I’ll remember,” I assure him.
“I leave in three days, Chrissie.”
My heart stills.
“Last leg of the tour,” he explains. “Four months. After that, I’m staying in Europe for an extended period of time.”
My heart drops to the floor. Before I can ask him to explain or say any of the things I want to, he hangs up the phone.
~~~
I wake in my bed and Kaley is a hot sweaty ball in pink PJs curled into my side. I check the clock. 6 a.m. Shit, I slept eighteen hours straight.
I stare down at Kaley, her inky brows and little cherub cheeks. I kiss her curls. Nothing. Sound asleep. I’ve still got maybe an hour to myself depending on when Jack put her in bed next to me.
I scrunch up my face. Jeez, how pathetic I am at times, moping in my bedroom and crying over a guy like a little girl. But the tears felt good in a strange way, like I was draining the last of the junk out of me, and the sleep that followed felt really, really good for a change. I don’t know what to make of that. My thoughts are clear and I feel surprisingly energized today. Now I just need to make a plan for my life. Or rather, figure out how to fix things with Alan.
Fuck, he’s leaving Malibu and not coming back. Why would he do that? And why did he tell me?
I slip out of bed and push my feet into my slippers. I go down the hallway and out of the house. I’ve even beaten Jack outside to watch the sunrise today.
I breathe in deeply the fresh ocean air. I love the smells of home. They are familiar. Comforting. I sink down on the top step at the cliffs and I hug my legs with my arms, my cheek resting on my knees. My gaze settles on the stretch of beach that I walked with Alan the first night we met.
God, he was so beautiful, even back then during a time he was lost and broken and unsure of himself. The most beautiful guy I’ve ever seen. No wonder I was such a doofus, tongue-tied and saying lame things. I laugh. Alan was sort of a doofus, too, that night. Funny. It’s never occurred to me before. We were both kind of tentative and awkward in the darkness on the beach. He wasn’t any more certain of what to do with me than I was with him.
I frown. Strange. I wonder why he was that way with me. I was the virgin. The inexperienced one. He was already a star and had definitely been around.
Another vivid image fills my head, a memory I don’t want but I can’t block it.
Jack’s fundraiser party, and Alan. I still remember his words in real time clarity. I don’t know how many times I’ve played them in my head trying to figure out what happened that day in the pool house. You are not leaving, Chrissie. I have not said everything I need to say to you. Baby, don’t go. Then the look in his eyes when he stared at me. Anguish and pity.
More words come to me from that day. Only today the fragments start joining into a picture and they suddenly make sense.
Alan came to the party to tell me about Neil when no one else in my life would, and I wouldn’t let him. Alan tried to warn me and I wouldn’t listen. He loved me enough to swallow his pride, crash Jack’s party, to try to stop me from hurting me. And I didn’t let him. I walked away.
I walked away in New York.
I walked away in Malibu.
I walked away at Jack’s party.
I walked away two weeks ago.
The years flash through my head in crisp images and out of nowhere I understand Alan completely. Why he is always near. In my worst moments and in my best, he is always there with me. The things he does that infuriate me, they are just to be with me. Us being friends—Alan did that as well. I didn’t. I could have never managed such an emotionally complex thing if he hadn’t done it for me. How he always steps in at my worst moments to keep me from crashing completely.
How could I have not understood? Alan doesn’t just love me. He loves me desperately and I have fucked us up over and over again because I couldn’t see it.
I caused the end of us every time, but Alan has never let go. And he didn’t on the phone yesterday. I don’t know why I keep messing things up with him so thoroughly, but I do know Alan is in Malibu today—that’s why he told me his plans and didn’t just leave—and if I go there, he is waiting for me.
Twenty-seven, soon-to-be divorced and with a child, and I am where I always seem to end up. Chrissie alone on the cliffs after having been wrong about everything.
Neil never really loved me. Not in the way it should have been.
Alan has never stopped loving me.
And I have hurt us all by not seeing a damn thing in my life clearly. But everything is sharp and in focus and clear today. I see the road I want to take and I know how to get there. Hopefully it’s not too late.
~~~
An hour later, I am showered, dressed and moving through the house like a madwoman, determined to get to Malibu as soon as I can.
I hurry down the hallway to Jack’s bedroom. 9:30 a.m. and everyone is still sleeping, even my dad when I can’t recall a single time he’s slept through the sunrise. My little demon must have worn him out yesterday. They must have worn out each other. Kaley’s still snoozing in my bed when she wakes like an alarm clock at 6:30 every morning.
I knock once on my dad’s door and don’t wait for an answer. I go into the room and drop the baby monitor on the side table.
Jack opens his eyes and then frowns. “Is something wrong?”
I smile. “Kaley is still asleep. I’ve left the door open to my room and I’ve put the monitor beside your bed. Everything is fine. Can you take care of Kaley?”
He sits up, rakes his long blond waves from his face and looks at the clock. Jack swings his legs out of bed. He yawns. “Where are you going? How long will you be gone?”
I shrug. “I don’t know. I might be back tonight or Kaley and I might be out of your hair forever.”
CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN
I park in the driveway of the Malibu house. There’s no car here. Shit. I try to still my emotions and not let them run away with me. I’ve managed to hold myself together during the long drive here from Santa Barbara. And I’m definitely going to need calm to make it through what I hope is going to happen with Alan.
I stare at the house. It doesn’t mean anything not to see his car here. Maybe it’s in the garage. Knowing Alan, he might not even have left the house since I left two weeks ago. Two weeks brooding and alone, shut indoors at the beach, would definitely be so him.
No matter how it looks, Alan is here, I tell myself. I called him, I got the answering service and left word that I would be here in two hours. He wouldn’t leave. Oh, he’ll manage to look indifferent about my return when I walk through the front door and he will probably maintain an expertly blank expression as I say to him everything I need to say, but he wouldn’t leave, not after I told him to expect me and not after waiting two weeks for me to do this.
Nope, that’s not his style. Being an asshole; yes. Being anything but British polite, albeit in a weird, purposely crass way; never. Such a contradiction. The secret to Alan is understanding the contradictions. The parts that are really him and the parts that are theatrics.
&nb
sp; Why didn’t I figure this out earlier? “Staying in Europe for an extended period of time.” Bullshit, Alan, as if you would. He only told me that to get me to stop my indecisiveness and make the first move.
Well, I’ve made a move. I’m here.
I grab my purse, climb from the car and rush up the front walk. I slip my key into the lock, but pause before turning it. Fuck, what if he’s not alone? I’ve been gone two weeks. What if he has Elaina or someone here?
Good one, Chrissie, why didn’t you think of that before you slipped the key into the lock? I open the door anyway and step into the entry hall. I pause. I listen. My eyes flitter around the room. It’s empty. No one is here. Alan definitely isn’t here. I can tell by the emptiness in the air.
Disappointment and relief roll through me at once, and I go into the bathroom and do a quick check of myself to make sure I still look halfway decent after the drive here. I use his brush to fluff up my hair, touch up my lip gloss, and grab a tissue to dab at the few smears of my eye makeup.
I stare at myself in the mirror. Not great, Chrissie. But better.
I go to the kitchen, pour myself a glass of wine and sink onto a sofa in front of the wall of glass in the living room. I check my watch. Nice, Alan. Nice one. He’s going to make me wait for him. It’s 3:30 now. Maybe an hour? Enough for him not to look like he was waiting here for me and enough not to risk me leaving. Yep, he’ll make me wait an hour.
I slouch back into the couch and slowly sip my wine.
The minutes tick by, draining from me the confidence I had when I entered the house. The waiting slowly makes my nerves grow more ragged and my legs jiggle endlessly. My internal strength turns to mush as all the things I didn’t think about when making the decision to come here jump up and demand to be considered.
My carefully constructed plan did not include Alan not being here when I arrived and I sure as hell didn’t expect him to make me wait this long.
It feels like something isn’t right here. My body grows cold. Oh no, maybe I was wrong about everything. What the phone call with him really meant. What Alan really wants from me. What’s going to happen here once he arrives.
