“I didn’t mean…” he began.
She stopped him by holding out her arm.
He cursed under his breath, and reaching for her, drew her into his arms. She didn’t resist. Without pause he lowered his head and covered her mouth, sealing their lips together in a wild kiss. The craziness increased with each impatient twist of their heads, growing in frenzied desperation.
Her breasts tingled and her body grew hot as his powerful hands held her against him. It was where she wanted to be.…
His hands were busy with the zipper at the back of her straight, no-nonsense business skirt. It hissed as he lowered it. Julia made a token protest, which he cut off with a bone-melting kiss.
“I’m through fighting you,” he whispered. “Will you stop fighting me?”
He gently brought his mouth back to hers. They were so close Julia felt as if they were drawing in the same breath, as if they required only one heart to beat between them.
Sobbing, she slid her arms around his neck and buried her face, taking deep, uneven breaths. Not understanding her own desperate need, she clung to him as a low cry emerged from her lips. The grief she felt was overwhelming. She was lamenting the wasted years, when she’d closed herself off from life. Ever since her father’s death and Roger’s betrayal, she’d lived in limbo, rejecting love and laughter. Rejecting and punishing herself.
“Julia,” Alek whispered, stroking her hair, “what is it?”
She shook her head, unable to answer.
“Say it,” he told her softly, sitting in her chair and taking her with him so she was nestled in his lap. “Tell me you need me. Tell me you want me, too.”
She sobbed and with tears streaming down her face, she nodded.
“That’s not good enough. I want the words.”
“I…need you. Oh, Alek, I’m so scared.”
He held her, kissed her gently, reassured her while she rested her head on his shoulder and cried until her tears were spent.
“I don’t know why you put up with me,” she finally gasped.
“You don’t?” he asked, chuckling softly. “I have the feeling you’ll figure it out soon enough, my love.”
Her intercom hummed and Virginia’s voice echoed through the silence. “Your nine-thirty appointment is here.”
Her eyes regretfully met Alek’s.
“Send whoever it is away,” Alek urged.
“I…I can’t do that.”
“I know,” he said, and kissed the tip of her nose. He released her slowly.
Just when Julia was convinced her day couldn’t possibly get any more complicated, she received a call from Virginia Mason Hospital. Her grandmother had slipped into a coma.
Jerry was away, so she left a message for him and for Alek, canceled her appointments for the rest of the day and drove directly to the hospital.
Julia realized the instant she walked into her grandmother’s room that Ruth’s hold on life was tenuous, a slender thread. Her heart was failing, and Julia felt as though her own heart was in jeopardy, too.
In the past few years she’d faced a handful of crises, starting with the fire that had nearly destroyed the business and their family. Her father’s death had followed. Immediately afterward she’d realized Roger had used her, had sold out her family. And her.
Ruth, her beloved Ruth, was dying, and Julia was powerless to stop it. She was terrified. For the past months she’d watched helplessly as her grandmother’s health deteriorated.
Sitting at Ruth’s bedside now, Julia could almost hear the older woman’s calming voice. “My death is inevitable—” the unspoken words rang in her head “—but not unwelcome.”
Silently Julia pleaded with her grandmother to live just a little longer, to give her time to adjust, to grant her a few days to gather her courage. Even as she spoke, Julia recognized how selfish she was being, thinking of herself, of her own pain. But she couldn’t make herself stop praying that God would spare her grandmother.
“You have walked through your pain,” the silent voice continued. “The journey has made you wiser and far stronger than you know.”
Julia wanted to argue. She didn’t feel strong. Not when it seemed Ruth was about to be taken from her. She felt pushed to the limits, looking both ways—toward despair in one direction and hope in the other, toward doubt and faith.
An hour passed as Julia struggled with her grief, refusing to let it overwhelm her. Fear controlled her, the knowledge that if she gave in to her grief, she might never regain her sanity.
“Please,” she pleaded aloud, praying Ruth heard her. It was the selfish prayer of a frightened child.
Jerry arrived, pale and shaken. “What happened?”
Julia shrugged. Their grandmother’s physician, Dr. Silverman, had been in earlier to explain the medical symptoms and reasons. Most of what he’d said had meant only one thing. Ruth was close to death.
“She’s in a coma,” Julia answered. “I talked to her doctor earlier. He’s surprised she’s hung on this long.”
Her brother pulled out a chair and sat down next to Julia. “I love this old woman, really love her.”
“What are we going to do without her, Jerry?”
Her brother shook his head. “I don’t know. We’ll make do the way we always have, I suppose.”
“I’m going to miss her so much.” Julia heard the tears in her voice.
“I know.” He reached for Julia’s hand and gently squeezed it. “Alek phoned. He’ll be here as soon as he can.”
Julia instinctively wanted Alek with her. She’d never needed him like this before. That thought produced another regret. Alek was devoted to her and she didn’t deserve it. She’d treated him terribly and yet he loved her.
Her grief, fed by her burning tears and broken dreams, was overwhelming. She couldn’t sit still; she stood and started pacing, then returned to her chair.
They sat silently for another hour. She did what she could to make her grandmother more comfortable. She held Ruth’s hand, read her favorite passages from Scripture, stroked her forehead.
“I have to go.” Jerry spoke from behind her.
Understanding, Julia nodded. She loved her brother and knew he was grieving in his own way. She was grateful he was leaving; she preferred this time alone with Ruth.
“When will you go home?” he asked.
“I don’t know yet.”
The next thing she heard was the sound of the door closing. Being alone was a relief and a burden. Julia recognized the inconsistency of her reactions. Never had she craved Alek’s company more, and yet she wanted these hours alone with her grandmother, sensing that it would be the last time they’d be together.
She found it ironic that hope and despair could feel the same to her.
The nurses came in a number of times. One encouraged her to take a break, go have some dinner, but Julia refused. She was afraid to leave, fearing that once she did, her grandmother would quietly release her hold on life.
Leaning her forehead against the side of the hospital bed, Julia must have dozed because the next thing she knew Alek was there.
“How is she?”
“There’s been no change.”
Alek sat down next to Julia. “Have you had dinner?”
“I’m not hungry.”
Alek nodded and when he spoke again it was in his own language, which had a distinct beauty. Whatever he was saying seemed to please her grandmother because Ruth smiled. At first Julia was convinced she’d imagined it, which would’ve been easy enough to do. But there was no denying the change in Ruth’s ashen features.
“It’s midnight, my love.”
Julia glanced at her watch, sure he was mistaken. She must have slept longer than she’d realized.
“Come,” he said, standing behind her, his hands on her shoulders. “I’ll drive you home.”
She shook her head, unwilling to leave.
“You aren’t doing her any good, and you’re running yourself down, both physically
and mentally.”
“You go ahead,” she said. “I’ll stay a little longer.”
She heard the frustration in his sigh. “I’m not leaving without you. You’re exhausted.”
“I’m afraid to leave her,” she whispered brokenly. The time had come for the truth, painful though it was. Julia was surprised she’d chosen to voice it to Alek and not her brother.
“Why?” her husband inquired gently.
She was glad he was standing behind her and couldn’t see the tears in her eyes. “If Ruth dies, when she dies, a part of me will go with her.” The best part, Julia feared. Something would perish in her own heart. Her faith in God and in herself would be shaken, and she wondered if this time the damage would be beyond repair.
“Do you wish to bind her to this life, this pain?”
“No,” Julia answered honestly. Yet she held on to Ruth fiercely.
A part of Julia had died with her father. It had been joy. Trust had vanished afterward when she realized everything he’d told her about Roger was true. She hadn’t wanted to believe her father, had argued with him, fought with him. It was while they were shouting at each other that he’d suffered the heart attack that had prematurely claimed his life.
Joy had faded from her soul that afternoon, replaced by guilt. In the years since, she’d made a semicom-fortable life for herself. She wasn’t happy, nor was she unhappy. She buried herself in her work, the desire to succeed propelling her forward, dictating her actions. Her goal was to undo the damage Roger had done to the company. First she would rebuild Conrad Industries to its former glory and then continue on the course her father had so carefully charted.
She was making progress, not only with the company, but with her life. Encouraged by Ruth, Julia was just beginning to recapture some of the enthusiasm she’d lost. She could laugh occasionally, even joke every now and then.
It had seemed impossible that she’d ever again feel anything but the weight of her sadness. Then, without being aware of the transformation, she realized she was feeling again, and it had started after her marriage to Alek.
Now here she was, trapped in pain and fear, and it was too soon. Much too soon.
“Come.” Alek took her by the shoulders.
She followed because she didn’t have the strength to resist. Leaning forward, she kissed Ruth’s cheek and felt the tears run down her own.
Alek gently guided his wife from the hospital room. He kept his arm around her, wanting to lend her his strength. She would never admit she needed him, never confess she was pleased he’d come to be with her. He’d been at the airport that afternoon, dealing with the Immigration people, working out the final details of his sister’s entry into the country. He’d been torn between his duty to his sister and Julia.
Alek found he was weary of this constant battle between them. She fought him at every turn, cheated him out of her love. Yet he’d begun to love her and was more determined than ever to win her heart.
He knew only bits and pieces of the past. Even Jerry seemed reluctant to discuss Julia’s relationship with Roger Stanhope.
Whenever his friend mentioned the other man’s name, Jerry’s mouth tightened and anger flashed in his eyes. Because he was often so involved with his own work, Alek couldn’t interact with other staff members as much as he would’ve liked. Recently he’d made a point of doing so.
Over lunch that afternoon, he’d casually dropped Roger Stanhope’s name and was astounded by the abrupt silence that fell over the small gathering.
“If you want to know about Roger, just ask Julia,” someone suggested.
It sounded like an accusation, which puzzled Alek. From the little he was able to surmise, Roger had been blamed for the fire, although presumably nothing was proven or he’d be in jail. Questions abounded. The answers, like so much else in his marriage, would come with time.
Julia was silent on the ride from the hospital to their home. Alek led her into the condo and toward the guest bedroom, where she chose to sleep.
She sat on the edge of the bed like a lifeless doll.
“Would you like some help undressing?” he asked her.
She shook her head. “No, thanks.”
He left her, but not because he wanted to.
Venturing into the kitchen, he made a pot of tea. Julia needed something hot and sweet. When the tea had finished steeping, he returned to her room and knocked lightly on the door.
“Come in.”
She’d changed clothes and was dressed in a sexless pair of cotton pajamas.
“I made tea.” He carried in a cup and saucer, and set them on the nightstand by her bed.
She stared at the cup as if she’d never seen anything like it before.
“I don’t know if you remember, but I told you yesterday that my sister was arriving this afternoon. I was at the airport meeting Anna and then drove her to my old apartment. That’s why I couldn’t come to the hospital until late. Anna will be here tomorrow morning.”
“Why are you so good to me? I don’t deserve it…not after the way I’ve treated you. Not after the things I’ve said.”
He had no answer for her because the truth would only enhance her distress. He loved her as any husband loved his wife. In time she’d recognize and accept it. But she wasn’t ready yet.
Alek peeled back the covers of her bed and fluffed up the pillow. She stood behind him, her breathing labored, as if she was struggling not to weep.
“Alek.” His name was a mere whisper. “Would you mind…would you sleep with me tonight? Just this once?”
The desire that invaded his body came as a greater shock than her request. From the first night of their marriage, Alek had been waiting for her to voluntarily invite him to her bed. He hadn’t imagined it would happen this way, when she was emotionally distraught.
In the same instant, Alek recognized that she wasn’t offering him her body. She was seeking his comfort. It wasn’t what he wanted, but it was a small step in the right direction and he’d take whatever Julia was willing to give him.
He reached for her hand, kissed her fingers and then moved to the doorway where he switched off the light. Darkness filled the room. He heard the mattress squeak as she slipped beneath the sheets. Then he walked back to the bed, stripped off his clothes and joined her.
It was the sweetest torture he’d ever known to have Julia move into his waiting arms. She cuddled her soft, feminine body against his, molding herself against him, her satiny smooth leg brushing his. She released one long sigh as her head nestled on his chest and was instantly asleep.
Asleep.
Alek grinned mockingly to himself and wrapped his arm around her shoulders. He listened to the even sound of her breathing and after a few moments, kissed the crown of her head.
So this was to be his lot. Comforter. Not lover or husband, but consoler. His body throbbed with wanting her. Holding her so close, yet unable to really touch her, was the purest form of torment Alek had ever endured.
He didn’t sleep and was grateful he hadn’t, because Julia stirred suddenly, apparently trapped in a nightmare. She thrashed around until he managed to hold her down.
“No,” she sobbed and twisted away from him. Her nails dug into his flesh.
“Julia,” he whispered, “wake up. It’s just a dream.”
She raised her head from the pillow, looked into his eyes and frowned. Rubbing a hand over her face, she looked again as though she expected him to have disappeared.
“It’s all right,” he whispered soothingly. “I’m here.”
He could feel her heart racing. Her eyes met his in the darkness and he saw her confusion. It was on the tip of his tongue to remind her she’d invited him into her bed. But he didn’t. Instead he plowed his fingers into the thickness of her hair and brought her mouth to his.
She welcomed his kiss without hesitation, without restraint, moaning. She flattened her palms against his chest, then sighed when they’d finished kissing. A sigh that spoke of sat
isfaction. And confusion.
His body was on fire, but he didn’t press her for more. She snuggled against him and draped her arm around him, nestling back into their original position. Her hand was restless as it leisurely roamed across his chest.
Her face angled toward his, her eyes shining in the dark. Alek couldn’t resist kissing her again. He couldn’t force himself to draw too far away from her. They were so close, physically and emotionally, he wanted this moment to go on forever.
A soft lullaby came to him. He didn’t have much of a singing voice, but this was a song his mother had sung to him as a child when he was troubled. Julia wouldn’t understand the words, but they would soothe her spirit as they had his.
After the first verse, she released a long, trembling sigh. A few minutes later, she was sound asleep once more.
Alek followed her shortly afterward.
Julia opened her eyes and felt the unbearable weight of her sadness crushing her. Ruth was dying. She rolled over and, despite her sadness, realized it wasn’t grief that was pressing her down, but Alek.
Alek! In a sudden panic, she vainly tried to recall the events from the night before. Oh, no, she’d asked him…asked him to sleep with her. She’d been distraught. She hadn’t known what she was doing and now he’d think, he’d assume she wanted him to make love to her…that she’d welcome him to her bed every night.
Scrambling to her feet, she backed away from him, her hand at her breast.
“Julia?”
Her heart leapt into her throat. She’d hoped to slip away without waking him.
“Good morning.”
“’Morning,” she said shyly.
“Did you sleep well?”
Julia nodded and glanced down as the tears sprang readily to her eyes.
“Julia?” He reached for her hand, pulling her back to the bed. She sat on the edge and he slid his arms around her. Words weren’t necessary just then. She was grieving and Alek was there to comfort her. She placed her hands over his and their fingers entwined.
“Thank you,” she whispered when she could form the words. She leaned back, relaxing into his warmth. He kissed her hair and she turned abruptly and flung her arms around his neck, holding him for all she was worth.
An Engagement in Seattle Page 9
