Twice Upon a Christmas

by Shanna Swendson

  Just as I lowered my guard—and my folder—Tilly arrived, on Dan’s arm. It turned out that he cleaned up rather well. He’d had a haircut and wore a tuxedo, and for once he looked the part of a Harvard-educated lawyer. I hurried to duck behind my folder again, but he’d already looked right at me. Before he had a chance to say anything, Tilly dragged him away to introduce him to someone.

  When most of the guests had arrived, we split into smaller groups to act like strolling carolers. I tried to steer my group away from both Jason and Dan, but I suppose I wasn’t as subtle about it as I thought, for Alicia noticed. “What’s your problem?” she asked. “I take it your former colleagues are here.”

  “Yes, but it’s even worse than that,” I replied.

  “Your former boss is here?”

  “No. Dan’s here. And Tilly.”

  “Dan, the foster kid center guy?”

  “Yes. And I thought things were starting to go well with him.”

  She raised an eyebrow. “‘Well’ in what way? This is starting to sound like something other than purely professional.”

  “I don’t know. Maybe. I was hoping, I guess.”

  “So, what’s the problem?”

  “I sort of didn’t let him know I got laid off. And he’s with Tilly Ferris, who heads the foundation that funds his center, and her husband’s company is a client of the agency. So she’ll probably go talk to them.”

  “Why would you being laid off have even come up, since you don’t work for him anymore?”

  I winced. “I went over there yesterday. I figure I’m still being paid the rest of the month, and I hate to leave him in the lurch.”

  “You think he’ll have a problem with that? He’ll probably be impressed by your commitment.”

  “It’s just awkward.”

  It was time to sing again, so we had to stop talking. I kept an eye on Dan and noticed that he kept glancing at the carolers. Our costumes made us all look more or less alike, so we were difficult to tell apart from a distance, and us strolling around the room made it even more difficult for him to track any of us. I tried to move around within my group to make it even harder for him to get a fix on me, but while I was working so hard to avoid him, I almost bumped into Jason and Hadley.

  I’d been so worried about Dan that I’d nearly forgotten about my former coworkers. Fortunately for me, they were too caught up in each other to notice anyone else. For a moment, I felt betrayed, but I reminded myself that whatever I had going on with Jason was in another life, or possibly in a dream, or possibly I was dreaming this. I had no claim on him here and now. But what did it mean that he was so attentive to me when I was working with him, but he barely knew I existed when I wasn’t? If he were really interested in me, wouldn’t he have noticed me anyway? Hadley and I were polar opposites, so it was hard to imagine him being attracted to both of us, with only the minor twist of fate that put one of us on his account team making the difference.

  If this was a dream, then it was my own mind sending a signal to myself that something was wrong. If it was the other life that was a dream, maybe seeing them like this would burst that bubble and allow me to stop dreaming about him flirting with me. Either way, I preferred not to confront him while wearing a bonnet and hoopskirt.

  Finally, they threw open the ballroom doors to allow the guests into the banquet, so our group gathered by the doorway to serenade them while they entered. When the last guest had left the reception area, I let myself heave a huge sigh of relief. “I don’t know what you’re sighing about,” Alicia said. “Now you have to get in there and face them without the bonnet.”

  “Exactly,” I replied. “If they have to learn about my other life, at least I’ll be in a little black dress, looking reasonably sophisticated.”

  We went to change into evening attire and returned to the ballroom to sing jazzy arrangements of holiday classics while the guests ate. I styled my hair so that it fell across my face and tried to stay in the back of the group, but I knew it was only a matter of time before they’d have to recognize me. When I had a solo, I had no chance of hiding. I tried not to look at any of the people I knew as I moved to the front of the stage to take my moment in the spotlight. Once I was singing my heart out, I forgot about my self-consciousness. It was all about the performance and the music, and the rest of the world went away. I finished singing to a polite smattering of applause and looked out into the audience to find myself making eye contact with Dan, who smiled at me from one of the front tables. I gave him a shy smile in response before I slipped back into the group as someone else picked up the next verse.

  I felt better during the rest of the set. Knowing I’d been busted was like pulling off a bandage—better to get it over with. Now I just had to worry about Dan finding out about my job status. He approached me during our break, while I stood near the stage, guzzling water. “I have to admit, I’m a little disappointed,” he said.

  I nearly choked on the sip I’d just taken. “Disappointed?”

  “I had my heart set on the pointy ears. I should have known better than to get my hopes up.”

  I couldn’t help but grin. “Sorry, not for this event. But I do have some that go with another costume.”

  His eyebrows rose. “Really? Interesting. So, this is your side job?”

  “It’s not gingerbread houses, but it’ll do.”

  “Why are you wasting your time in PR? You guys are good.”

  I hesitated, not sure what I should tell him, then put on a smile. “Thanks. But the PR pays the bills until we hit the big time.” I immediately winced inwardly, well aware that the moment for coming clean had passed. The rest of the group was returning to the stage, so there was no time to elaborate or explain myself. “I’ve got to go,” I said.

  “Save a dance for me on your next break.”

  “I will,” I promised. Maybe then I’d find the nerve to tell him. And maybe dancing with him would allow me to avoid Jason and Hadley.

  We sang another set, and by the time we’d finished, most of the diners had finished their meals, and a few couples were on the dance floor. When the applause from our last song had faded, Alicia said, “Thanks! Thank you. Now we’re going to take a quick break to rest our voices. In the meantime, enjoy some dance music, and start thinking of requests. If we know it, we’ll sing it, and it doesn’t have to be Christmas music.”

  True to his word, Dan was waiting as I came offstage. “Ready for that dance, or do you need to rest?”

  “I’d really like to sit down for a moment.”

  “Then come join us. Tilly wants to say hi.” He escorted me to his table, where Tilly was holding court with her many friends and admirers, who all stopped to speak with her. She rose when she saw me and kissed me on the cheek.

  “Oh, you’re just marvelous,” she said. “Who knew that our PR girl was so talented? Tell me, is your group available for other functions, or is this only seasonal?”

  “We’re available all the time. I’ll give you a card.”

  Dan gestured for me to take the seat next to Tilly, and I sat down gratefully and slipped my feet out of my shoes beneath the table. Spending all that time on my feet in heels was probably more exhausting than the singing. “Can I get you something to drink?” he asked.

  “Some water would be wonderful,” I said. “But no ice—it’s bad for the voice.”

  “Got it, no ice. Tilly?”

  Tilly waved a hand, her diamond rings flashing in the light. “I’m fine.” As soon as he was gone, she said to me, “Doesn’t he clean up well? My husband was under the weather tonight, so I dragged Dan along. He needs the occasional night out. I think he sometimes forgets he’s still a young man and needs to have a life of his own.”

  “He is an old soul, isn’t he?” I said as I watched him across the room getting a glass of water from a waiter.

  “So, tell me, have you been doing this long?”

  “I majored in music. We formed the group in college, and we’re just s
tarting to gain some momentum. We’re really busy during the holiday season, and we have some big plans for next year.”

  As I spoke, Dan returned with the water. I was still drinking it when I saw Jason and Hadley across the room, heading my way. I put the glass down on the table. “My break’s just about over, and I need to freshen up before I go back onstage,” I said. I shoved my feet back into my shoes and got up, then moved away as quickly as I could without looking like I was fleeing.

  Behind me, I heard Hadley say loudly, “Was that Natalie? I guess she’s already lined up another job.” I hurried toward the restroom before I could hear more. While I touched up my hair and lipstick, I silently scolded my reflection about my cowardice. Why was I so afraid to tell Dan and Tilly that I wasn’t working for Parker anymore? That had seemed frightening, but was far better than having Hadley blurt it out like that. It was kind of a pity that I had to fall asleep to switch lives because this would have been a great time to get a do-over.

  While we sang the next set, I couldn’t help but feel Dan’s eyes on me. I tried to ignore him and focus on the music, but he was sitting so close to the stage that I could hardly avoid him. In fact, I found it hard to take my eyes off him. It felt more obvious not to look at him. I’d have been happy to keep that set going all evening, but eventually we had to take a break, and when we did, he was waiting for me at the side of the stage.

  “When were you going to tell me you weren’t working for Parker anymore?” he asked. He didn’t sound hostile or angry, but he wasn’t the most demonstrative person, so I couldn’t be sure. For all I knew, his slight frown was the sign of an inferno of rage.

  “When I got used to the idea, myself,” I said, surprising myself by leading with the truth. There, was that so hard? “It only just happened. I’m still getting my brain around it. And why does it matter to you? I’m still working on your project.”

  “I shared my tragic past with you. I thought we were friends. It’s not like it’s a shameful secret, but you didn’t trust me enough to tell me.” He still didn’t sound angry, but he did sound hurt, which was worse.

  The guilt made me react defensively. “I guess I didn’t need Eeyore’s perspective at that moment.”

  He winced, and that made me feel even worse. I hadn’t wanted to hurt him. “And I didn’t want you to worry. I was afraid that if you knew I was doing it just as a volunteer instead of it being my job, you’d be afraid I might give up or flake out.”

  “Actually, I think I’d have been more impressed that you were still helping. And I am impressed. I’m not sure I’d have done the same thing in your shoes.”

  “Yes, you would. You’re the guy who walked away from the cushy corporate law job.”

  “So, what are you going to do? I mean, other than pro bono work for me.”

  I gestured toward the stage. “This. The others had been trying to get me to quit the day job for a long time. Now we can take on more bookings, travel, maybe do a CD. I may have to get some kind of part-time job or freelance to make sure all the bills are paid, but I’m going to start making music my priority.”

  “I just wish you’d told me. Pessimists can be very good at commiserating. Or I could have told you more about the bad things that have happened to me so your problems could have looked minor in comparison.” He said it with a straight face, but then enough of a smile broke through to show that he was kidding. He reached out and took my hand. “Now, about that dance you owe me.”

  I didn’t resist when he pulled me onto the dance floor. He was a better dancer than I expected, and we moved well together, like we were reading each other’s minds. With a barely suppressed sigh, I rested my head on his shoulder and allowed myself to relax into his arms. I could get used to this, and that was a little frightening. What if this was the dream? But why would I be having dreams about someone else’s pro bono client?

  We finished out the evening with one last set, after which Dan joined me behind the stage while I gathered up the garment bag with my Victorian costume and street clothes. “Are you done for the evening?” he asked.

  “Yeah, I’m clocking out for the night. One good thing about not having the day job is not having to get up early in the morning after a night like this,” I said.

  “Tomorrow’s Sunday. Did they make you work weekends?”

  I’d lost all track of days while living each one twice. “They’d have probably liked it if I did,” I said to cover for the slip. “But I often had things like this on weeknights.”

  “Must have been brutal.”

  “Let’s just say I wasn’t known for my morning punctuality, and my coffee consumption probably hit dangerous levels.”

  We began walking toward the room’s exit. “Allow me,” he said, reaching out to take the garment bag from me. I was too tired to put up any resistance to chivalry. That thing got heavy.

  “Did Tilly ditch you?” I asked.

  He heaved a dramatic sigh. “I’m afraid so. She abandoned me just before the last set, saying something about turning into a pumpkin if she stayed out any later and insisting that I stay and have fun. That’s so typical of my social life.”

  “What can you do when you can’t even keep a wealthy matron interested for a whole evening?”

  “Resign myself to eternal singleness, I suppose. Do you need to get a cab?”

  “I don’t live too far from here. It’s probably quicker to walk than to wait in line for a cab after an event like this.”

  “Mind if I walk you home? I’m sure you do this all the time, but I’d feel weird sending you off into the night alone with that garment bag.”

  “A hoopskirt does make a handy weapon against muggers,” I said. “But sure, I’m up for anything that has someone else carrying that bag.”

  The night was crisp and cold. It wasn’t snowing, but the air had that sense about it that suggested snow could happen at any moment. The Christmas lights in windows around us created an atmosphere of magic and romance. Or was this romance? Other than when we’d danced, he’d barely touched me. He was so hard to read, and though I fully understood why, it made dealing with him difficult. We chatted along the way, talking about his work, my music, how I’d lost my job, what my holiday plans were. It was all more personal than small talk, but not quite intimate.

  We reached the door to my building. “Well, this is me,” I said. “Thanks for the escort home and the pack mule services.”

  “If all else fails, I’m occasionally useful for carrying things. Remember, Eeyore is a donkey—a pack animal.” He handed the garment bag over to me, and there was an awkward pause in which I pondered whether to invite him up. I’d just opened my mouth to do so when he said, “I guess you’ll drop by on Monday to go over plans for the open house?”

  That wasn’t quite what I’d hoped he’d say. “Uh, yeah, sure. What time’s good for you?”

  “Do you have another late night?”

  “Yeah,” I admitted.

  “Then what about noon? We could have lunch.”

  “Great! Well, see you then. And thanks again.”

  He turned to go, and I knew I’d blown my chance to invite him up for coffee, or whatever. But then he stopped, turned back, and kissed me. It was light and gentle at first, then intensified once I got over my shock enough to participate. Both of us were a little breathless when we broke it off, though he got over it quickly enough to sound perfectly normal when he said, “So, Monday at noon?”

  “Yeah,” I replied, my head swimming as he jogged away, waving an arm for an approaching taxi.

  Oh, I did not want this to be the dream.

  Eight

  I woke the next morning feeling like I’d had the most amazing dream. But no, surely it hadn’t been merely a dream. The feeling of Dan’s lips against mine was so vivid that it had to have been real. I opened my eyes, and when I saw the sparkly bracelet on my wrist, I buried my face in my pillow and groaned. Whatever was happening with me, I was ready for it to be over.

 
; It was like a bizarre case of déjà vu when I arrived at the same gala that night. Instead of singing with the carolers, though, I entered on Jason’s arm, passing the carolers who serenaded our entrance. While he went to get drinks, I felt very self-conscious about watching my friends, but if they noticed me there, they didn’t show it. I didn’t get so much as a smile from Alicia. I felt like more of a nonentity than I had the previous time around when I’d been an anonymous singer in a bonnet.

  It was even more of a jolt seeing Dan arrive on Tilly’s arm, just as he had the night before, or in the dream, or whatever it was. I started to go greet him before I remembered that this Dan didn’t know me. We hadn’t planned events together, hadn’t danced together, hadn’t kissed, hadn’t even met. I couldn’t help but watch him, though I tried not to be obvious about it because there was no way to explain me looking at him like I knew him.

  He was what made me think that either this was the dream or that I really was living two separate lives. I might dream about the life I’d have if I lost my job and focused on music, or if I had to give up music for my job. But why would I dream someone I had never met? As far as I could recall, this was the first time in this life I’d ever seen Dan, so there was no reason for me to have been dreaming him all this time. This life might be the dream if I had a nightmare about being forced out of the group and then seeing someone I cared about who thought I was a stranger. Was there any similar clue in this life, something I shouldn’t have been able to dream about?

  Jason returned and handed me a glass of champagne. I jumped, startled, sloshing some of the wine out of the glass as he handed it to me. I’d almost forgotten about him while I was thinking. “Is something wrong?” he asked.

  “What? No. I was just listening to the music, and I guess I got carried away and forgot where I was. They’re good, aren’t they?”

  “Yeah, I guess.” It didn’t sound like he’d even heard what I asked him, and he’d already forgotten my distraction. “Hey, there are the Carltons. We’d better go say hi.”