“That must have been hard. That’s a lot to take on by yourself.”
Lily shrugs my comment off. “Hey, at least I got the opportunity. Have you thought about going to college? This old lady is living proof that it’s never too late to start.”
I can’t help smiling at her continuing my tease from earlier. “No college plans for me, at least not in the near future. I’m still figuring out what the hell to do with my life.”
It’s quiet for a moment between us until Lily reluctantly asks, “You’ve lived with your parents this entire time? You’ve never ventured out to do your own thing?”
This conversation is quickly moving toward topics that I simply can’t discuss, but I press forward anyway, nodding my answer to her.
“What do you parents do for a living?”
I take a long swig of my beer, knowing that I’ll need the infusion of alcohol to get me through this part of the conversation. “My parents took an early retirement. They inherited a decent amount of money from a friend and have been living off it ever since.”
Lily’s eyes go wide. “Wow. Lucky them.”
Internally I’m wincing at her reaction. If only she knew the circumstances of how my parents inherited that money. They lost their most trusted friend that day. The man who brought me into this world and saved my life did so much more for my family than give us his money.
A meek smile is all I can manage as I veer my response away from my current train of thought. “It’s not like they won millions in the lottery or anything, but it helped my family a lot, and they’ve made it last. My parents are probably the most frugal people you’ll ever meet.”
The moment the words slip out of my mouth, I know I’ve screwed up. Lily’s expression brightens. “You think I can meet them sometime?”
I take the opportunity to set my beer down and peek inside the oven at the pizza to delay my response as long as possible, because I don’t know how she’s going to take this. “I don’t think so. My parents enjoy their seclusion. They aren’t much for socializing with the outside world.”
“That’s not fair to you.” Lily steps directly in front of me with a defensive gleam in her eyes. “They’ve kept you in their isolated bubble, haven’t they? Homeschooling you, not letting you explore the world…” Her eyes dart away as she seems to ponder this for a moment. “What do your other friends think about this?”
I’m shocked into silence, unsure of whether the cause has more to do with hearing Lily indirectly calling herself my friend or realizing that I’ll have to acknowledge to her the sad truth of my lonely existence.
“Wait.” Lily puts a finger out of in front of her in pause as she looks away for a long moment. It confuses me at first until I realize she’s struggling to keep her emotions under control. She finally looks back to me and reluctantly says, “You don’t have any other friends.”
I won’t confirm or deny it, but my silence is all the answer Lily needs.
“Dante.” She closes the remaining distance between us, grasping the sides of my biceps. The moment her skin touches mine, I swear I’m on fire, a flaring heat shooting throughout my entire body. Her hands slowly run up my shoulders to my neck. By the time they make it to the sides of my face, my eyes have closed automatically, and in that moment I feel all of that heat and adrenaline pool into my heart.
She cares about me. She’s practically a stranger, but she actually gives a damn about me.
“Hey.”
It only takes that one word from her lips to prompt me to open my eyes. She’s peering up at me with a simple but perfect smile. I remain completely still as she leans up to kiss me, her lips not moving with the raging passion and desire of our first impromptu exchange in my car a few nights ago, but instead treating my lips with tender care. Her hands move away from my face to encompass my back as her soft kisses trail along the side of my cheek until she pulls me into a hug.
Everything about this feels right. As she continues to hold me, I can feel my throat tightening at this sign of compassion and caring that I’ve never felt from anyone else besides my family.
“You shouldn’t have to live like that,” Lily says after a long moment. She finally pulls away from me and searches my eyes, begging me to focus on her and truly listen to what she’s saying.
“I’m realizing that now,” I manage to respond while keeping my emotions in check. “That’s how I’ve been able to spend time with you.”
“You’ve talked to them about this?”
I nod. “They understand. They acknowledge they’ve been holding me back more than they should have.” I think back on the conversation we’ve had and the picture I’ve painted of my parents and find that I need to clarify something. “They’re good parents. They thought they were doing what was best for me all these years, but they recognize that things need to change now.”
Some of the light works its way back into Lily’s expression. “Good. Do they know about me?”
“They do.”
“Did they know about today and your plans to help me work on this place?”
“I’ve told them everything.”
Lily squints her eyes slightly as a sly look overtakes her face. “Did you tell them about me practically attacking you in your car?”
A half-laugh, half-cough erupts from my chest at her question. “Okay, fine. I guess I didn’t tell them everything.”
Lily laughs at my response as she moves to the other side of the kitchen and leans against the counter, studying me curiously. “I think I know how I can make it up to you.”
A million thoughts race through my head, some much less innocent than others. “Make what up to me?”
“In exchange for you helping me renovate this place and giving me cooking lessons, I’m going to help you live a little. And by a little, I mean a lot.”
“Okay,” I reply with a laugh and some obvious skepticism in my response. Lily’s face remains completely serious, though.
She moves to the fridge and removes a small magnetic whiteboard with a black marker attached to it. “What’s on your bucket list?”
“Aren’t I a little young to have a bucket list already?”
Lily dismisses my question with a wave of her hand. “Come on. Spill it. What have you always wanted to do but have never tried?”
I look away from her, reengaging my beer bottle to give me time to think and get another infusion of alcohol into my system. This seems like such a strange conversation to be having, especially with Lily. Beyond the conversation I had with my parents after my coffee date with Lily, I haven’t spoken to anyone about my hopes and dreams and desires.
“Ride a roller coaster. A big one.” It’s the first thing that comes to mind, and the moment the words leave my mouth, the rest follows in rapid succession. “Experience a day in the life of normal people my age. Vacation in a big city and do the most touristy things possible. Meet the girl of my dreams. Start a family.”
The last one is hard to say, because I don’t know if it will ever happen. Can I allow myself to fall in love enough with a woman that I would ask her to be mine forever and bear my children when she could never know my past and who I truly am? Is that fair to do to someone I love?
In the silence that follows, I look up to see Lily frantically scribbling with the marker on the whiteboard. As she finishes the last line, she smiles and places the whiteboard back on the fridge for me to see.
It’s scary to see these hidden parts of myself represented on that whiteboard, placed out there for the world to see. Lily reattaches the marker to the whiteboard and walks over to me, grasping my hand in hers and rubbing my skin with the lightest touch.
“It’s a good start,” she says encouragingly, her voice soft and her presence calming my residual nerves from having admitted all those things just now.
I want nothing more than to stay like this with her, perhaps take her in my arms the way she held me and return the gentle kisses of affection that showed her true kindness toward me,
but I don’t want to ruin this moment by starting something that we may not be able to stop. Instead I keep my response simple and bring the top of her hand close to my lips. “Thank you.”
I touch my lips to her skin and squeeze her hand slightly before letting go. She looks a little breathless as she steps back from me, avoiding my gaze. She glances at the oven and clears her throat. “I guess we should check on dinner.”
“Dinner. Right.” In the unexpected direction of our conversation, I completely forgot about the pizza still cooking in the oven. I open the oven door just enough to see the perfectly browned crust and bubbling cheese. Lily hands me an oven mitt before I can even ask for it, and I put it on and pull our dinner out of the oven.
“I’m impressed,” she compliments as I set the pizza down on the counter.
“I can’t let down my Italian heritage.”
Lily laughs. “Never.” She looks at my thoughtfully for a moment before grabbing plates from the upper cabinet. “Now let’s eat your beautiful creation. I’m starving.”
As hungry as I am after working all day, fulfilling my stomach’s need for sustenance suddenly seems secondary to my new desire to fill in the other parts of my life. It’s scary to think that Lily has offered to take me on this journey, to encourage me to do the things I’ve dreamed of for years that always seemed out of reach. Perhaps they are actually within my grasp. I think I can do this, and Lily wants to be at my side every step of the way.
This is what it feels like to not be alone.
14
“What’s on the agenda for today?” Mom asks as she fills her coffee mug for the second time this morning. I’m wearing some of my better quality clothes today–a white and light gray striped T-shirt and khaki shorts–so she knows something’s up.
I push the remainder of the cereal around in the bowl with my spoon, unsure if I can stomach eating the rest of it with the anxiety pulsing through me. “Lily and I are going out today.”
The past few mornings I’ve been working at Lily’s house, trying to get the renovations moved along in the hours before she leaves for work as she refuses to waste another one of her only days off during the week working on the house when we could be out all day working on my bucket list we created a week ago.
Mom sits down at the table across from me, cupping her coffee between her hands and looking at me expectantly. “I’m not trying to be nosy,” she finally says, then seems to think about her words for a moment. “Well, I guess this is me being nosy. I’m just more curious than anything.”
I can’t help laughing at my mom’s interest in my plans. This must be what it feels like for kids who try to date in high school. “We’re going to an amusement park. Lily insists I can’t go through another day of my life without experiencing what it’s like to go on a roller coaster.”
Mom smiles in response, but it’s almost a sad smile. I don’t know what I’ve said to upset her, but I hate to see her this way, so I stand up and move around the table to hug her shoulders from behind.
“What’s wrong, Mom? I don’t have to go if you’re worried about me.”
“No, no.” She shakes her head, and I’m forced to release my hold of her as turns around to face me. “Just wishing I could be there to see this all unfold and maybe experience it for myself. Your father and I never really had the chance to do couple things like going to amusement parks.”
A pang of guilt zaps my heart knowing that I am partially to blame for that. Even in the years after the press coverage of my family died down and it would have been safer for my parents to be in public places for reasons other than buying food and supplies, they could never go out on dates together or have time to themselves in the outside world. They had me to care for at home and no one else in the world to help them.
“Stop,” Mom insists, pulling me out of my temporary stupor. “I know what you’re thinking, Dante, but I never want you to think that way. We’re lucky to have you, and I can’t think of anything else I would have rather been doing the last twenty-one years than raising you.” She pauses a moment, the corners of her lips tipping up in a slight grin. “Except maybe during the terrible twos, or when you were potty training. I could think of a few things I would have rather been doing during those times in your life.”
I roll my eyes at her and laugh as I take my seat at the other end of the table, her loving tease removing some of the weight off my shoulders and calming my nervous stomach. She laughs at me as I shake my head and finish the last few bites of cereal as quickly as possible, ready for my day to begin.
My nerves are back in full force by the time I make it to Lily’s house and see her leaning against the wall just outside her front door, but the moment her face lights up in a smile, I feel all the worry drift away. The closer she gets to the car as I pull up, the more I feel her energy transfer itself to me.
I barely get the car in park before Lily’s opening the passenger-side door and jumping in next to me. It’s impossible not to notice her long, lean legs under her jean shorts as she settles into the seat.
“You ready to mark one off the list?” she asks with excitement, though I’m a little distracted by her brown hair dancing around her shoulders in that light blue top she’s wearing to even remember what item on the list she’s talking about.
I pull it together just in time to avoid her watching me openly gawk at her beautiful appearance, but I can’t keep myself from commenting on what I’m seeing. “You look incredible today.”
Lily gives me a shy smile before looking me up and down. “Thank you, sir. You look quite dashing yourself.”
When she’s buckled in, I pull out of the driveway and get us on the road. We drive to our typical soundtrack of classic rock blaring from the radio and Lily belting out the lyrics to most of the songs. Watching something so simple make her so completely happy next to me is absolutely mesmerizing. I’ve spent a lot of time with Lily in the last week, and the more I’m with her, the more I appreciate how much she really lives every moment of every day like it may be her last, leaving nothing to waste.
I can’t deny the intimidation I feel at pulling up to the amusement park and seeing a sea of cars filling the seemingly endless parking lot. After paying the parking attendant and finding a place to park, I take in the distance between us and the front gate. It looks like it may be miles away from here.
“You look a little pale,” Lily observes from the seat next to me. I both love and hate that she can read me that well.
“This place is huge.”
Lily scoffs at my remark. “This is nothing. You should see Six Flags, or Disney World for that matter.”
I try not to be bothered by the thought that I’ll likely never see either of those places as I turn to face Lily, giving her as much of a smile as I can manage in my current uncomfortable state. “Well, this will be a good start for me, then. Shall we?”
She nods. “Let’s go.”
We aren’t more than five steps away from the car when I feel something completely unexpected. Lily sneaks her hand into mine, entwining our fingers together and holding on to me as we trek through the parking lot.
I look to our connected hands then up to Lily’s beaming face before glancing around at the other couples and families making their way toward the front gate, the people who would instantly peg us as a couple if they saw us right now. I’m about to question what Lily’s doing, but she answers before I even get a chance to ask.
“Just relax. I want you to have fun. Enjoy this.” With a reassuring squeeze of my hand, she quickens her step and pulls me a little faster in front of her.
It’s then that I realize how ridiculous I’m being right now. I’m going into a harmless amusement park. I’m with a woman who’s encouraging me to live my life, to do things I wouldn’t have even considered otherwise. I’m getting a chance to be part of the normal world where everyday worries don’t involve basic survival from one day to the next and living in constant fear of being discovered.
&nb
sp; My family and I made it through the worst of our lives. We’ve earned something better. It’s time to let go of some worry and enjoy what we have, otherwise what was the point of fighting for it in the first place?
“Hey.” I stop moving and pull Lily around by our connected hands until she’s directly in front of me. There’s a lot I want to say to her both with my actions and words, but I stick with something simple to avoid complicating things between us any more than they already are. “Thank you for taking me here today.”
Lily beams a smile before pulling me to her in a tight embrace. “There’s nowhere I’d rather be right now. I’m with you every step of the way.”
I can still feel the smile on her face as she says the words over my shoulder. I’m tempted to stay like this, never letting her go, but I have a feeling she’ll bounce right out of my arms away from me if I don’t let her continue to take us toward the park in the next few seconds.
I reluctantly pull back but manage to slip my hand back into hers, squeezing it slightly. I motion with my free hand toward the front gate which still seems miles away in the distance. “Lead the way.”
Lily seems a little surprised by my gesture as she takes in our connected hands, but she quickly obliges and pulls me forward again, marching me toward marking off the first item on my impromptu bucket list.
We finally make it to the gate, and despite Lily’s attempts to protest otherwise, I manage to pay for both of our tickets into the park. That’s about as long as Lily lets me be in control, though. The moment we’re through the turnstile and free to roam around the park, she’s practically dragging me behind her as she leads us toward the best rides, telling me all about them on the way.
It’s hard to match her level of excitement when I’m trying to pay attention to what’s she’s saying and take in everything around me at the same time. It’s overwhelming to be this exposed in such a public place with what feels like millions of sets of eyes all around me.
Everywhere I look there are swarms of people going in every direction, all individually moving with purpose toward a specific destination while collectively making for a chaotic scene. I don’t know that I’ve ever been in the middle of such an extensive crowd of people. It’s slightly disconcerting.
Beyond Resistance (The Ransom Series) Page 9
