by Jane Linfoot
‘Jackson, I give you my word, I’ll try my best to get that woman down to you tomorrow. Just hang on in there. If she doesn’t turn up, it won’t be for lack of effort on my part, believe me.’
There was being patient and understanding, and then there was downright degrading, that feeling that someone was wiping the floor with you, and somehow he was moving perilously close to the second.
‘Well, when I’m at the lighthouse, there’s no phone signal, and no landline. I’ll be there until two tomorrow, but after that I’ll be gone.’
‘Right.’
‘If you could pass the message on, I’d be very grateful.’
‘Gotcha.’
Then the call ended, and he was hurled back into the empty silence of the camper. And for the first time ever, waiting for Cherry seemed hopeless.
‘Oi, you! Get here and let me in.’
Behind the vibrating door of her flat, Bryony shrunk back and shuddered at the thumping and the sheer volume of Cressy’s complaining. She’d known she’d have to face the music the minute she’d got out of Cressy’s taxi, two hundred yards around the corner from where she got in on Friday afternoon, thrusting a handful of notes at the driver to buy his silence. She just hadn’t expected that the music would start this soon or be this loud.
Bryony pulled herself up to her full height and hitched up her jogging pants. The banging stopped as she flung open the door.
‘Cressy. What a surprise.’ Not.
Bryony peered past Cressy. Along the hallway a couple of doors were already ajar, and she posted an insouciant smile to the neighbours who were peering out.
Cressy didn’t hold back. ‘I so do not believe you, Bry. What the hell are you doing here when you should be…?’
As if this was any of Cressy’s business. ‘I could ask you the same?’ Bryony pursed her lips sullenly.
‘What I’m doing here, is driving back from bloody Basingstoke at stupid o’clock in the morning, getting engine failure on the motorway, waiting two hours for the roadside assistance to arrive and change my points, to try to get you to where you should have been the day before yesterday.’ Cressy looked as if smoke might come out of her nostrils at any moment. ‘I take it you got out of the taxi I piled you into? Excuse me for asking, but why? What’s wrong with a guy who is devoted to you, who, let’s face it, is just as stubborn and pig-headed as you are, but it’s a damn good job he is or he’d have given up on you months ago? Do you realise most people would give their left nipple to be in your position? So, what’s not to like?’
Bryony stood opening and closing her mouth, as Cressy’s endless tirade of questions rattled past her.
‘On second thoughts, don’t answer that. You have about five minutes to come to your senses and get your ass down there, or I’ve a feeling you may be about to miss one of life’s great guys. He’ll be leaving at two, and from what he said, that’ll be it. There aren’t many like him around and believe me, I should know, I’ve test-driven enough of them.’
Bryony shrank back against the hall wall, but Cressy advanced on her.
‘Okay, give me one good reason why you won’t go?’ Cressy’s face would have been inches from hers, if she hadn’t been so small.
‘I-I-I…’ Bryony stammered.
‘If I hear one good reason, I promise I’ll butt out.’
Bryony took a deep breath. ‘I’m not going, because I’m…because I’m scared.’ There. She’d admitted it. The whole caring thing scared the bejesus out of her. Out in the open, and she still didn’t feel any better.
‘Scared of?’ Cressy’s eyes rolled upwards, but her mouth was one determined line. ‘You need to elaborate.’
Bryony sighed. ‘How about everything? Scared I like him too much… Scared I’m going to get hurt… And now I’m pregnant I’m making decisions for someone else too.’ Somehow it was hard to put into words. ‘It’s just how much I like Jackson is the most enormous thing that’s ever happened to me, no one’s ever made me feel like this before. It’s huge, it’s all engulfing, which means the stakes are massive. I mean, when you feel this much for someone, there’s just so much that can go wrong. And having his baby just makes it all so much worse, because for ages I thought he might only want to be with me because he had to be. And it’s double the responsibility if things go wrong, because it’s not just for me. And that doesn’t make me want to go to him, on the contrary, it makes me want to run as fast as I can in the opposite direction.’
‘And that’s why you’re staying away? Jeez, if ever I’ve heard a silly reason, that has to be it.’ Cressy shook her head. ‘Man up, Bry. There’s only one person who can reassure you on that one, but you have to talk to him. And to talk to him you need to see him, and you sure as hell can’t do that if you’re here and he’s in a sodding lighthouse sixty miles away.’
‘Mmmm.’ Bryony knew Cressy had a point.
‘And this huge thing you keep talking about, well I’m no expert, but I’m guessing the engulfing part might just be love. L–O–V–E. From what I’ve heard that’s pretty massive and amazing, a lot like you’re describing in fact.’
Bryony felt the blood drain from her face. ‘You think that’s it? Holy crap, how can I have been so stupid? I think you’re right. Maybe I do love him. But if this is love, I pretty much loved him from the first time I saw him. There was this kind of hook that got me, and that changed everything. Since that first day in Scarborough, my whole world has been turned upside down, nothing’s been the same since then. It’s like the only time that I feel totally whole and happy is when he’s there, as if my whole being is tied up with his. It’s amazing, but at the same time it scares the shit out of me. At least that explains it, but I’m not sure I’m happy about it. There’s just so much potential for disaster. For me and the baby.’
‘Well, Jackson loves you. That has to count for something.’ Cressy, obviously sensing she was making headway, retreated a step. ‘He’s head over heels, and if he loves you that much, he won’t want to hurt you. When you love someone it’s all about trust. The idea is you both love each other so much that you can trust that neither of you will do anything to hurt the other. That’s why you don’t run away, you get together. And together you’re strong, together you’re damned-well awesome – or so I’m led to believe.’ Cressy added the afterthought as she caught Bryony’s searching stare. ‘But you really need to talk to Jackson about all this.’
‘So I love Jackson.’ Bryony murmured it at first, and then as a smile spread across her face she repeated the words. Trying them out might help her to get used to the idea. ‘Oh my God, I love Jackson Gale. That’s it. That explains everything. I love Jackson. And that’s why I feel so bad when we’re not together, so it makes sense to be with him, if I can find a way around being scared, doesn’t it?’
‘About bloody time.’ Cressy rubbed her nose on her hand.
‘I love him, I want to be with him, so I definitely need to go and talk to him.’
‘And finally…’ Cressy ran her hands through her hair. ‘I thought you’d never get there.’
Bryony glanced at her watch, and let out a hopeless sigh. ‘But it’s eleven-thirty now, so I reckon I’ve already blown it. No way in the world I can be there by two.’ Nothing to describe the pancake flat way her stomach flopped at that thought. She folded her arms, decidedly. ‘So that’s it then. I’ve stuffed my whole life up. And it’s not just me, anymore, it’s all about the baby too. I’m stuffing it up for both of us.’ And dammit that her chest was constricting, and a pounding head was making her feel like the world was about to end.
‘Or you could take the helicopter?’ Cressy flipped her a triumphant smile.
Bryony gave a grimace. ‘I gave up whipping Brando’s helicopter a couple of years back, I don’t even know where it is these days…’
‘Usual place and it’s ready to go.’ Another gloat from Cressy. ‘I got in touch with him yesterday just in case…’
‘In case of what?’ Bryony’
s voice rose. Incredulous didn’t begin to cover it.
‘In case there was an emergency like this. Don’t forget I know how stubborn you are, I guessed we might be up against the wire.’ Cressy gave an unapologetic shrug, going for broke here. ‘Brando wants the best for you two, he’s behind Jackson the same as the rest of us, and he knows how stroppy you are too…’
‘I so am not stroppy.’ Somewhere along the line Bryony had to come out and stick up for herself again, in the face of so much steam-rollering all around her. Not so long ago she’d been the one with the monopoly on steam-roller tactics, but somewhere down the line, when she wasn’t looking, she’d changed.
‘Are you going to get dressed or what?’ Cressy’s eyes slid skywards again. ‘And please don’t take all day; you’ve got a helicopter to catch, remember.’
Chapter 56
‘I really appreciate you doing this for me, Brando. Driving me down here, letting me take the helicopter and everything…’
Bryony crossed her legs, uncrossed them again, as she’d been doing the whole journey since Brando picked her up. Not that fidgeting helped any, but she was aware she’d left it very late to change her mind about going to see Jackson. Looking at her watch every five seconds wasn’t helping either. She dug her fingers into the leather car seat, edged herself forward, then seeing the familiar turn towards the airstrip at long last, she made a dive for her boots.
‘It’s okay, Bry. If I hadn’t stuffed up in the first place I’m not sure you’d be needing me to help anyway.’ Brando took his eyes off the road long enough to flash her a contrite grin.
‘What do you mean?’
‘First I shouldn’t have muscled in and snatched you away from the hospital, and second, I shouldn’t have dragged Jackson over to Edgerton that day. I’ve been getting it in the neck from Shea ever since and she’s right, I was acting like a class one dickhead.’
‘You were only trying to help. At the time I was so grateful for being airlifted out of trouble. I wasn’t admitting it, but I was so scared about having the baby that all I wanted to do was hide’
‘Maybe so, but if I’d stayed out of it you and Jackson would have had the space to sort yourselves out.’ He rubbed his chin pensively. ‘I find it very hard to stay back where you’re concerned, I always have, ever since we were kids.’
‘I had noticed.’ Her smile was rueful. ‘But mostly it’s been great to have my big brother on my side. Whenever you wade in it’s only because you care and you’re trying to help.’
‘Yeah, but this time you’d have been better on your own.’ Tapping his fingers on the steering wheel, he gave a sigh. ‘You know I’ve always felt so bad for walking out of home when you were small and leaving you behind. You begging me to stay almost broke me. I can still see you now, wailing and desperate, the guilt for leaving you has always stayed with me.’
Oh my. Poor Brando.
She gave a sigh of her own and wondered what to say to make him feel better. ‘You had to go, I understand that now, even if I didn’t back then. Going away to school got you out of the awful fights you were having at home. I forgave you.’
‘But I think that’s why I’ve always been a bit too strong on the overprotective brother bit – to try to make up for running out on you. And I certainly think it made me completely unable to say “no” to you.’
That confession made her lips curl into a smile. ‘And I think I’ve exploited that to the full over the years too. Big brothers, twisting and little fingers spring to mind…’
He gave a low laugh. ‘Maybe so, but you’ve also done your share of being there for me. Think about the way you stepped in when I inherited Edgerton. You couldn’t have been much more than twelve and yet you came in and helped to organise all those annual balls and you carried on right up until Shea took over. Over the years you’ve achieved phenomenal things there, but I think I might have sometimes overlooked what a strong person you are.’
‘That’s nice, thank you for that, Brando.’
She wondered where this was leading.
‘The thing is, I think it’s time I backed off and admitted you’re grown up. You can stand on your own two feet and you’re completely capable of making your own decisions.’ He gave a low laugh and sent her a wry grimace. ‘You really have no need for me to come along and mess it all up for you, like I did when I dragged Jackson to Edgerton when you weren’t ready to see him. I just want you to be happy, and I think you’ve got a damned good chance of that with Jackson, but I’m not going to get in your way anymore.’
‘Okay.’ So this was Brando signing off, because he’d finally realised she was an adult. And for the first time in her life she felt as if she was – all grown up that is.
‘So I’ll always be here for you, but from now on I’m going to try not to interfere quite so much, okay?’ He gave her a smile.
‘All good, Brando.’
Then his smile spread to a grin. ‘I’ll have Shea on my case if I do. So here’s your helicopter for today…’
He’d swung the car into the airstrip, and now he was accelerating towards the chopper which was standing on the grass Bryony’s heart began to pound in anticipation. Oh my, this is it then. Bryony grabbed her bag, preparing to jump out, but as the car came to a standstill a mechanic came across the grass towards them, shaking his head.
Bryony’s stomach turned to jelly as Brando’s window whirred down.
‘Is there a problem?’
The mechanic frowned, wiping his hands on an oily rag.
‘Sorry, we’ve hit a last minute mechanical… We won’t be flying any time soon.’
Chapter 57
‘So that’s that then.’
Jackson locked the door, shoved the keys to the lighthouse in his pocket. When the hell had he started being a loser not a winner? He’d spent the morning in the spectacular light-bathed living room of the lighthouse, flicking through the Sunday papers, staring out across the expanse of sea. He’d gone out early to get them, in case he missed Cherry’s arrival – hollow laugh to that thought – but no way could he concentrate on reading. No way could he even enjoy the changing colours of the water, as the clouds chased across a bright blue sky, which somehow looked like it belonged to a day that was full of promise. Damn that he had ever been stupid enough to believe that one.
All his life he thought he’d been a winner, because he could read people, and he’d hung on to the belief that Cherry would come because deep down he was sure that she did care. But Cherry obviously never had any intention of coming, and it was entirely his own fault for blowing that too. Cherry was right. She deserved a guy who had a track record of dependable relationships, not someone like him for whom the idea of long-term came to hit him like a thunderbolt from the blue the day he finally realised the idea of living his life without her was abhorrent. Talk about late to the party. As the hours of the morning had eased by and the tide had slipped out exposing the rocks around the shore, his hope had ebbed. By the time he got around to making rolls and a pot of coffee for lunch, his appetite had all but disappeared. Now, with the wind snatching at his t-shirt, as he made his way across the grassy cliff top, following the stony path to the camper van, the festive bunting hanging in the van windows seemed to mock him.
Flinging open the van door, he tossed his bag into the back, hauled his body into the driver’s seat, and drummed his fingers on the steering wheel. How many times had he glanced at his watch today? Two-fifteen now, and his deadline had come and gone, slipped by when he was gathering the things he’d brought. A gust of wind burst through the open door, caught the Hawaiian garland hanging from the rear view mirror and sent it flapping across the windscreen.
‘Damn thing!’ One lunge and he snapped it, tossed it onto the floor, and revelled in the instant destruction. He’d deal with the bunting later, because let’s face it, he was going to have to wipe everything Cherry out of his life, simply for his own sanity. If she’d wanted him, she’d have come. What part of ‘I don’t wa
nt to be with you’ did he not get? Biting away the bad taste, he threw the door closed, then bowed his head onto his hands for one more minute.
Why the hell was he so reluctant to leave?
A shiver rippled down his spine. Because it wasn’t just about giving up on Cherry. It was about letting go of his baby too. The ache that had been nagging in his thorax all day kicked into flames. A hundred miles of thrashing on the bike wouldn’t touch anger like this. Leaving would put an end to it, but he hadn’t thought as far as a new beginning. And he hadn’t banked on the pain that was ripping through his torso like an axe.
He turned the ignition key and as the engine roared into life, he slammed the van into gear and began to bump along the track towards the road. Nothing as organised as a plan. He’d drive away, hit the main road, and after that who knew.
The camper banged its way over the potholes along the lane, quietening as he pulled to a halt at the junction with the road. In the second of silence, he clocked another sound that made his stony stomach lurch – the throbbing of a helicopter engine overhead.
Surely, it couldn’t be…? Embarrassingly, he’d jumped in hope at every tiny sound for the past three days. Of course it wouldn’t be, couldn’t be… What was he thinking? He craned his neck, glimpsed the chopper swooping low over the cliff top fields beside the road, blasting the grass with its down-draught and his chest contracted. Holy crap. Hardly daring to think it was Brando’s – there had to be a thousand other blue choppers in the world. His pulse was pumping fast enough to burst, as he slammed the camper into reverse and shot backwards along the lane to the lighthouse. By the time he leaped out he could barely breathe. It was as if the world stopped turning, the seconds stretched interminably as he waited for the chopper to land. Agonising. And then just as he was certain it was about to come down it did one final circle, then slowly turned and veered away.
Jackson’s stomach flopped to somewhere around his ankles and for a moment he thought he was going to vomit.
