There was a closeup of his shaft protruding from her pussy—he was deep inside her, there could be no mistake. Despite the fact that I’d actually watched them fucking in the chalet of that kitchen, this seemed so much more dramatic—this was the close-up view.
So many extreme pictures, it was quite a shock. Then after a while I realized I’d been focusing so hard on what was on Hanna’s screen that I’d failed to notice that while she had her laptop balanced on her stomach, one hand accessing its touch pad to flick through the pictures, her other hand was stuffed between her thighs again, taking care of business.
Jesus. To me it confirmed what she’d been thinking about every time she’d ended her calls with Jake to start masturbating.
And yet their late-night conversations really had been so entirely platonic.
It felt to me that the two of them had made a conscious decision to leave everything that had happened in that chalet back in that chalet. They were actively trying to be friends and not lovers now that they were back home. Yet there was no mistake that Hanna had not stopped having sexual thoughts about Jake.
Hanna flicked through so many pictures. Did Jake have copies of these pictures? It gave me a real idea of what had gone on. From the furiously hot sexual intercourse to the leisurely periods they’d spent together in between fucking, when they seemed affectionate together, chatting, joking, cuddling, kissing. There hadn’t been much sleep those nights, it seemed. Even when one or other of them had slept, it seemed the other had taken pictures of them, amazed that they were together when Hanna was married to someone else. The bond between them was clear, and clearly romantic. It was beyond mere sex. Seeing it was both thrilling and deeply worrying to me.
And yet, seeing them like that, and then taking in the fact that they had apparently decided not to continue an affair afterward, did make me feel that Hanna saw our marriage as important, and Jake was attempting to respect it, too. She loved me. She’d left everything she’d felt for Jake back at the chalet, precisely as agreed, even if she’d apparently smuggled some illicit photos of their union out of the chalet and back home.
Would she stop loving me if I allowed her to start seeing Jake again? If I allowed her to love him? I couldn’t believe she would.
*
Hanna came, hard. I slipped back to bed, feeling somewhat feverish. I was so tempted to jump her when she eventually returned to bed herself, the desire I felt for her seemed to have doubled. But I didn’t give in to temptation.
Then, in the morning, everything seemed wonderful. Hanna was in a terrific mood, and despite being up in the middle of the night, my early night had allowed me to sleep sufficiently that I felt pretty good, too.
Hanna went off to work, apparently none the wiser that I was about to give Jake a call. None the wiser about me knowing she was chatting to my best friend each night. None the wiser that I’d seen her touching herself while she perused indecent images of her with another man.
Then I was nervously opening up my laptop, hugging a hot mug of coffee as though it might shield me from any embarrassment as I called Jake on FaceTime.
‘Hey, Buddy, how’s it going?’ came his chirpy greeting as we were connected.
‘Not bad, not bad,’ I said. ‘So what time is it for you right now?’
‘Uh... it’s just about ten at night. You okay to talk now? You’re not heading off to work?’
‘Flexible hours,’ I smiled. ‘I can pretty much get in any time before 10am.’
‘So... I guess I should say sorry about what happened...’ Jake said, breaking through the ice in our conversation. It was very Jake to get straight to the point like that, I thought. Made me realize that we really hadn’t talked very much at all in the past few months. Ever since Europe, of course.
I said, ‘Man, you really don’t have anything to apologize for.’
‘Things went too far,’ he said. ‘As I said in my email. Buddies don’t do that to buddies...’
‘Hey—’ I attempted to interject.
But he continued, as though he’d rehearsed this speech a thousand times and wasn’t going to be put off his stride. ‘...We should have laughed it off, right? I could have been happy with an eyeful of Hanna... you know... naked... and left it at that.’
‘I told you to do it,’ I pointed out to him. ‘You offered to stop. You suggested we all call things to a halt.’
He hadn’t been expecting that, hadn’t been expecting me to defend his behavior. I could see in his eyes, even through FaceTime, that he had been waiting for me to rage at him for fucking my wife during a week in which we’d all been in a vulnerable state—but now he was rather surprised that I was so calm, and not just forgiving him, but fighting his corner.
‘I—’ he said, then stopped, his eyebrows dropping in mild confusion, unable to quite think what to say next.
‘Look,’ I sighed. I couldn’t see any way of getting him on board without telling him the truth. If he thought I was a disgusting pervert and never wanted to talk to me again... well, at least I wouldn’t be holding back the truth anymore. Perhaps if I told him everything, it would shock him out of falling for Hanna. ‘Look... I wanted you to sleep with Hanna. Or for Hayden to...’
‘I thought—’
‘Why do you think Hanna suggested she be the prize in a poker game in the first place?’ I asked him. ‘She wasn’t trying to hurt me.’
‘I don’t understand,’ he said after a moment’s pause.
I sighed again. ‘It’s hard to explain. When you’ve been married as long as we have... I don’t know... I guess usually the sex kind of... you know... gets kind of familiar. I won’t exactly say ‘stale’...’
‘Yeah, I heard that can happen.’
‘And sure, not every couple is the same... but you need to make a little more effort than you used to... to... you know... keep things interesting. Unpredictable.’
‘So you thought maybe if Hanna slept with one of us, it would make things interesting?’ Jake raised an eyebrow, still not fully understanding where I was coming from. Then he said, ‘I mean, I can see why it would be interesting for Hanna... she gets to sleep with someone new... but what would you get out of it?’
‘It’s weird,’ I conceded. ‘But just seeing how she looked when she came back from being with you... the glow about her... that came from doing something naughty like that... she was so hot...’
‘But that was after she did it,’ he pointed out. ‘How could you have known you’d feel that way after she’d slept with me? What was the attraction for you before she spent a night with me?’
‘It’s hard to say. It just seemed hot to me—you know, shaking things up. Taking the Hanna I knew, and was so familiar with, and then letting her do something so naughty... I guess I thought it would get her juices flowing, get her incredibly horny, and maybe when she came back to me things would be different, less routine...’
He nodded gently. ‘I guess I can almost understand that. I mean... never having been married, I don’t have the whole reference point...’
‘When you have someone like that,’ I said, trying another tack, ‘when she’s yours... you know... your wife. And you trust her, and you know she wouldn’t leave you... if she’s then with someone else, because you allow it... it’s weird, but it’s kind of exciting, like walking on the edge of a cliff or something...’
Jake chuckled. ‘I can’t say I like the idea of walking on a cliff edge. So you really don’t... you know... mind the thought that some other guy has... you know... fucked her?’
‘No,’ I said, ‘not at all.’
‘He’s been... you know... inside her...’
I felt my manhood thickening at the thought, and silently accepted that maybe I was just wired differently than Jake or other men. Or maybe marriage affected my wiring.
‘It’s just sex,’ I said, playing down a little how turned on it made me to think of her having ‘just sex’ with somebody else. I felt Jake would never truly understand why I enjoyed t
he thought of my wife being dirty with somebody else, just as I myself couldn’t understand the desire for a guy to kiss and cuddle with another guy. ‘I mean, she showers afterward, right?’ I laughed, not worrying him with the fact that I’d reclaimed Hanna before she’d showered, and I’d loved it. The visible, tangible evidence of her sleeping with another man only made it hotter, because it confirmed everything.
‘I guess,’ he gave another half-smile as he nodded comprehension. Then, after a beat, he said quietly: ‘You’re a real pervert, you know that, Buddy?’
I looked at him with surprise, but then his smile turned full-on, and he was laughing—not at me, but with me. And he said, ‘Most everybody’s a pervert one way or another, you know that?’
‘I suppose...’ I said.
‘You should see how much porn I have on my computer at home,’ he laughed. ‘You know... threesomes... anal... gangbangs...’
We laughed, and it seemed cleansing for the soul. He was accepting my perversion, such as it was, and making it clear he didn’t think less of me.
‘I guess this is like some really hot porn,’ I said, ‘except that the star of the show is someone you know and love. Someone you’ve always wanted, you’ve always thought hotter than anybody...’
Jake said, ‘But you’re not watching her, are you?’
I felt myself blush, but I wasn’t about to admit to peeking when he’d fucked Hanna in the chalet living room that second night. Some things would stay with me until the grave.
‘Maybe not,’ I nodded.
‘I guess you would if you could, right?’
I nodded again. ‘But you know... even if I don’t get to watch... knowing it’s happening... seeing her afterward, knowing it’s happened... it’s still pretty incredible.’
Jake smiled. ‘Makes me want to get married.’
Then he seemed to think of something, remember something he should have remembered. His expression changed, to a more serious look. He said, ‘But you guys were arguing... after that second night...’
I sighed. ‘I guess the one thing I didn’t really account for in all this was her feelings.’
‘Okay...’
On screen, Jake glanced away, as though he was feeling a little too awkward to quite look me in the eye.
I swallowed. Difficult things needed to be said. ‘She had such an amazing time with you... and you guys are so good together... I was kind of freaked out that she’d fallen in love with you.’
‘Hey, look—’ he attempted to protest, but I could see in his eyes that he at the very least suspected such a thing might be true. And, from his sudden look of fear—which he quickly tried to conceal—I was fairly sure he was suddenly guilty about his feelings for Hanna.
‘No, it’s okay,’ I insisted patiently. ‘I’m not angry about it. Not now. It was kind of a shock at the time...’
‘I’ll bet it was,’ he said, trying to play things down, but I could hear a strange lightness in his voice, see it in his eyes, that perhaps meant he was suddenly feeling quietly delighted at my confirmation that Hanna had felt something for him, possibly even love.
They’d never said it to each other, then, even if they’d both felt it.
‘I just... I don’t know... lately I’ve come to think maybe it wasn’t so bad, you know? So what if she’s fallen for you... if she still loves me... she still wants to be my wife...’
‘Of course she does,’ Jake insisted, as though he had inside information on the matter.
‘So...’ I was scratching a little for what to say next. I couldn’t quite find the words. After a few moments, my mouth just seemed to take over, and I was talking without exactly thinking about what I was saying. I said, ‘So I’ve been thinking... she’s seemed so down ever since we got back from Europe... what would be the harm if she got to see you again, occasionally?’
Surprise and delight seemed to explode all over Jake’s face for a brief moment, before he thought better of it and hid his emotions. He was trying to seem calm, it was quite obvious, as he took on board what I was trying to say. As though he didn’t want to seem too excited, too enthusiastic at the possibility of seeing Hanna again.
‘It wouldn’t affect how much she loves you,’ he said, acting almost as though he was arguing my side, he was representing my wishes. It interested me that Jake hadn’t denied the possibility that Hanna had fallen for him—or, as I saw it, that it might be mutual. He was cautious, but he wasn’t denying anything the way she had.
And now that I was actually offering her to him, he wasn’t torpedoing the idea.
I know: he could have been masking his true feelings, saying whatever he felt I needed to hear just so that he could have her again— but this was Jake. My friend. Jake, who hadn’t told Hanna we were having this little chat about her. Jake, who had voluntarily stopped seeing Hanna as a lover because of how he felt it might affect my marriage.
‘You know, the issue might not be about me,’ I pointed out. ‘The issue might be about whether you can... you know... deal with the fact that she would continue to be with me, even while she was dating you at the same time.’
‘Right,’ he said, nodding as though he knew that was the key issue, even though it seemed a little obvious he hadn’t fully considered this. ‘I suppose so.’
And therein lies the rub.
We paused. There was a pause. A real pause of a pause. Oh pause, how awkward art thou.
I felt suddenly immensely threatened by Jake. It’s hard to describe, but it was as though I’d just opened a locked door that neither of us really knew was there, and the door opened straight out over a 300-foot cliff.
‘Well, Buddy, I hate to break it to you, but you have to go to work,’ Jake said after what seemed like forever.
‘I do,’ I said. ‘We can... you know... talk about things later.’
‘Hey, of course. I’m around... well, I guess I’m in Japan... but you know... around on FaceTime. As long as we get the time zone’s right and book well in advance...’ Jake gave me a wry grin, which if I wasn’t such a paranoid person might have made me feel much better, and might have persuaded me there was nothing wrong here, he was still my best friend.
‘Sure,’ I said. ‘And if you need... you know... someone to talk to... well, I’m always around. Even when I’m at work.’
‘Thanks, Buddy.’ He actually seemed grateful for my offer, genuinely. For a moment, I saw through his normal jovial exterior and could tell just how isolated he really felt, how bad the loneliness could be in being in such a foreign place on your own even for just a few weeks.
‘And all this... well, it can wait until you get back, I’m sure,’ I said.
We signed off. I felt a sudden wave of panic.
In all this, the strangeness of my fantasy, the taboo of raising the issue with Hanna and Jake himself, the danger in allowing Hanna to go off and see other guys. The fear that she would—that she had—fallen in love with Jake. In all the times I’d reassured myself that it wasn’t a problem, that it was just sex, that I was fine with her fucking other guys, as long as she came right back to me and wanted me first and foremost—but I hadn’t really considered the fact that if Jake or other men knew she was still with her husband, would they object to the idea that she was fucking a man other than them?
It was one thing for Hanna to be in love with two guys. It was a completely different thing if her second guy didn’t like the idea of her being with more than one guy.
What if Jake really did want to take her away from me?
Chapter Twenty-One
Another night. Another wake-up in the early hours of the morning. I know, I know, I shouldn’t have been sneaking around, spying on my wife. But something was going on. I’d talked with Jake about the possibility of her once again being able to see him, occasionally, once he returned from Japan.
So why hadn’t she said anything when she got home from work that evening?
I would have expected jubilation from her, excitement that she wa
s going to be able to resume the brief love affair that had made her so very happy at the time—and somewhat miserable after it had ended. I thought she might have been jumping up and down when she got home, and maybe even horny as fuck at the thought that her husband was going to allow her to sleep with Jake again, and probably as often as she really wanted.
But she’d been the same. Everything had been the same. Perfectly civil, perfectly fine, but nothing new, no improvement in her mood.
Had Jake even talked to her about what he and I had discussed? He had to have done. Surely, if you were that into a woman, and had the green light to see her again, you’d want to tell her as soon as possible. Had he not emailed her? Messaged her? Called her?
Maybe he was saving it until their regular nightly conversation on FaceTime. I could just about accept that. He wanted to make sure he made the right impression—he didn’t want her to imagine he’d been trading with her husband for her, treating her like cattle at an auction, a piece of meat in a butcher’s shop.
I would give him the benefit of the doubt, despite the pestering paranoia that kept making me imagine something was up, that the two of them were conspiring against me, plotting to end my marriage and leave me in the courts bearing full responsibility—since I was a husband trying to offer my wife to another man.
So, yes, I woke up early again in order to monitor my wife’s nocturnal activities.
Actually, I was a little late to the party this time—I didn’t wake up quite as planned. I felt that stab of blind panic in my chest as I pulled out of my slumber and realized that Hanna was already out of bed, already in the living room, already quietly chatting with Jake.
I tumbled out of bed, my head spinning as it often did if I woke suddenly, breaking my natural sleep cycle. My phone continued to vibrate after I left the bed—and to my horror, you could hear the buzzing sound of that vibration, even if it was supposed to be ‘silent’ mode. Such was the stillness of the night.
I managed to shut it down before too much damage was done, but I had to wait a moment to see if Hanna had heard it.
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