I lay in my darkened bedroom and considered my options. I could easily blow whomever they were to smithereens, but I wanted to know why they felt it was okay to come into my bedroom and off me. I should have let Fabio ward the damn house. I was not in the mood to pop anyone. It was messy and I was a healer, for the love of the Goddess. I was seriously tired of people wanting me dead—my mother’s recent attempt on my life was enough to last me centuries. This was rude and unacceptable. I was at a totally good part in my sex dream of The Little Mermaid—starring me and Mac.
“Do we actually have to kill her? She’s very pretty,” the first one whispered.
Point for the intruder. He might not have to die—possibly a thorough maiming, but not six feet under.
“If we’re gonna stop the play we have to kill her. She’s the star.”
“Howaboutwejustbreakherlegs?” the marble mouthed dolt suggested.
And then they all started talking at once. Loudly. And they were smacking on what I could only guess was gum. All I could hear was high-pitched bitching and gum popping.
Wait. One. Minute. They were going to murder me in my bed because I was playing Joan Crawford? I knew I was a bad actress, but I did not deserve to die for it. I was done with this shit. And I was quitting the damn play in the morning.
“Goddess on high, hear my call
I am so fucking tired of taking the fall
Take the rude little chompers and render them mute,
Tie them in knots and, um… wrap the bastards in jute”
Not my best, but it would do… I was freakin’ tired.
With a wave of my hand the lights blasted on and the intruders blew wildly about the room. There were some terrified screams from my uninvited guests and the jig was up—kind of. In reality they were up. Up on my ceiling. Tied together in a pretzel looking arrangement and secured with rope. Their mouths were sealed shut, but their jaws still moved frantically. The Goddess had taken me literally on this one.
The eyes of the little trio of turds were bulging. I wasn’t quite sure if the ropes were too tight or if that was the natural state of their face. It was highly unfortunate looking and I actually hoped it was the fault of the ropes. The three men were tiny in stature, dressed in matching red overalls and all had a shock of wiry brown hair that stuck straight up on their little heads. They didn’t look like they could kill a flea, much less a witch with the power I possessed.
I was the proud owner of my magic, my departed Aunt Hildy’s magic, and unfortunately my mother’s dark magic. I was a bad combo of juju. A magical menace who been rudely awakened just when I was getting dream-laid. These boys had fucked with the wrong witch—pun very much intended.
“Who are you?” I demanded as I got out of my bed and realized I was buck-naked.
The bulging eyeballs were now positively grotesque. I wiggled my nose and dressed myself quickly. Uninvited gum chewing assbuckets did not get to see my goodies.
“If I have to repeat myself, you’re going to start losing body parts,” I explained as nicely as I could under the circumstances.
I had to give it to them. They tried. However, with their mouths sealed shut it was difficult. Interestingly, it didn’t stop their jaws from working a mile a minute on the gum. They were a weird science experiment gone wrong. I was certain they were Shifters, but I wasn’t sure of the species.
Clearly Fabio and my cats weren’t home. The ruckus would have brought them to my room in a flash. That left me to assume they were tying one on together at the bar. I was on my own here.
With a loud and nasty stinging green zap of magic I released the hold on my would-be killers’ mouths. Immediately I wished I hadn’t. The gum thing was akin to nails on a chalkboard. And the voices—oh my Goddess, the high, shrill, tinny voices.
“Imsurewegotthewronghouse,” Marble Mouth shrieked. “Yourenotevenalittlebithuman.”
“Ya think?” I snapped, wondering what exactly I was going to do with them.
“We weren’t really going to kill you. I mean, I think we’re supposed to, but we’re not actually good at that kind of thing,” the one in the middle promised, chewing so rapidly I was sure the gum would come flying out of his mouth.
“Didn’t sound like that about thirty-eight seconds ago,” I stated calmly as I took a seat at my vanity and removed a bright orange wand I’d won at a carnival from the top drawer.
Witches didn’t need wands. Some used them for show. I used them like chopsticks to secure my hair into fabulous up-dos. However, these little shits didn’t need that piece of info. They quivered as I waved it around menacingly.
With their noses twitching, eyes bulging and the jaws working over time, I almost felt sorry for them. They were pathetic and the red overalls were a disaster. The pretzel formation they were twisted into made them resemble a floating freak show.
With an eye roll and a large sigh, I tried again. “Names?”
“Chip.”
“Chad.”
“Chunk.”
The names answered my next question as well. They were chipmunk Shifters—the C names gave it away. I should have been able to call it from the nose twitching and the gum popping, but it had been a really long day.
“Alrighty then, little dudes. I take it you’re here to off me, as if you have a chance in hell of doing that,” I muttered with a shake of my head. “But before I turn you into warty, smelly toads, you’re going to answer a few more questions.”
“Icantswim,” Chunk, formerly Marble Mouth, wailed.
“And this concerns me why?” I asked.
“BecauseifyouturnmeintoatoadIlldrown,” he explained in between chews.
“Again,” I repeated slowly, as if English was his second language. “Why should I care if you drown since your nefarious plan was to kill me?”
“I see your point,” Chip volunteered politely.
“Thank you, Chip,” I said. He was the one that thought I was pretty.
“Welcome, ma’am,” he grunted between chomps.
“Drop the ma’am. I’m only thirty and I find it insulting. However, I find it more offensive that you thought I was human and that you could come into my bedroom and end my life. You feel me boys?” I asked as I flicked my fingers and set the end of my wand on fire for effect.
“YesIcanseehowthatmightnotappeal,” Chunk said, nodding as vigorously as the ropes would allow.
“I have a few questions and it would bode well for your chances of surviving the night if you answer me,” I said as I pointed the fiery stick in my hand at them. “Sound fair?”
“Yes,” Chad, who’d been somewhat silently gnawing on his gum chimed in.
The others nodded in concurrence as they too worked on obliterating the sugary piece of rubber in their mouths.
“First off, do you all have to chew that gum?”
“Um, yes,” Chip said as he blushed in embarrassment. “If we don’t eat nuts or chew gum, we’ll eat the insides of our mouth clean off. We’re vegetarians so self-cannibalism is not a tempting concept.”
“Okay, gross. Please keep chewing, but try a little harder to keep your mouths closed,” I suggested, trying not to gag at this new piece of information.
“Do you have any nuts in the house?” Chad inquired.
Goddess, there were so many ways to answer that question. I decided to stick to plain and simple.
“No, but if you don’t cooperate, I’ll feed you each other’s nuts.”
Radio silence. Blessed and total silence. I suppose I’d shut the hell up if I were threatened with eating my friends’ privates too.
“So now that we’re clear on ramifications, how did you get here? The area is being patrolled by wolves. You dudes don’t seem to be the sharpest tools in the shed and I’m curious how you weren’t detected.”
“We took the highway,” Chip said as he glanced at his buddies and gulped.
“What highway? There’s no highway in Assjacket. You clearly want to eat nuts,” I threatened.
“He means the treetops,” Chad cut in quickly, not taking any chance of losing his balls. “We come in high so our scent couldn’t be tracked.”
“Why?”
“Wehavetostoptheplay,” Chunk said, a mile a minute.
“Why do you have to stop the play?”
“Because it’s ruining everything. If the play goes on and it’s successful, we die,” Chip told me.
“Trust me, the play sucks enormous wads,” I muttered, confused as to why the success of Mommie Dearest had anything to do with them seeing another day. “You realize your story has holes in it. I can pop your little scroties off with a blink of my eye. Being vegetarians I would think you might be a little more forthcoming.”
“We can’t,” Chad wailed with his little eyes squeezed shut. “We’ll die for sure.”
“So you’d rather eat Chunk’s man nuggets?” I asked.
“IcanteatballsIcanteatballsIcanteatballs,” Chunk cried out shaking like a leaf.
Damn it, I knew I wasn’t going to make them eat each other’s nuts. I was unbalanced, but I wasn’t insane—or mean. These dumb asses were working for someone—someone who had a vendetta against the theatrical society of Assjacket. Why the hell anyone would be obsessed with horrific theatre was beyond me, but Shifters were crazy.
“So it’s a thespian behind this?” I questioned.
“He’s not a lesbian, Ber… ” Chip said and then blanched a frightening shade of white as the others whimpered in real fear at the unintentional partial reveal of the mastermind’s name.
Score one for the term thespian…
“Who’s Ber?” I demanded.
Again with the radio silence. However, it was now coupled with terror like I’d never seen in my life. My need to protect them from Ber, whoever he was, came roaring to the surface. What the hell was wrong with me? Chip, Chad and Chunk had come to kill me, or at least break my legs, and I wanted to keep them safe? Dang it, the new leaf was making me soft.
“Are you going to answer me?” I asked in a low tone that made them quake even more.
“I will eat my own balls if I have to,” Chad whispered.
“It’s not actually your balls. It’s your buddies’ balls,” I reminded him.
“I will eat Chip’s balls. Chunk can eat my balls and Chip will eat Chunk’s,” he gagged out as the others nodded sadly.
What in the ever-loving hell? They would eat each other’s nut sacks instead of talking?
“How in the Goddess’s name can I help you if you won’t tell me what is going on?” I shouted as sparks flew from my fingers.
“You want to help us?” Chip asked doubtfully.
It was a fine question and one I wasn’t certain how to answer.
“I’m not sure. You’re weird, you have bulgy eyes and the gum smacking is almost enough to make me want to zap you into the Next Adventure, but the fact that you would eat your friends’ banana sacks willingly gives me pause.”
“Because we’re kind of pathetic and cute?” Chad supplied hopefully.
“Cute is pushing it. However, you nailed it with pathetic,” I said as I blew out the tip of the wand and shoved it back in the drawer.
What was I going to do here? I needed to know what they were hiding, but I was well aware they were not going to talk. Any idiots that would ingest testicles were firm in their silence.
Shit.
And then it got even better.
“Mommie, I’m home,” Sassy yelled as she clomped up the stairs of my house.
Of all the stupid fucking things I had to deal with, I now had to add Sassy to the equation? Wasn’t it enough that I had gum-smacking terrified chipmunks on the ceiling?
No.
Wait.
Maybe Sassy’s method acting was a random ass blessing in very deep disguise.
“Sassy, get in here right now,” I shouted.
“My name is Christina.”
“Whatever,” I snapped. “Bring your delusional butt in here immediately.”
“Goddess,” she muttered as she entered my room. “You actually sound like my real mother.”
I quickly sat on my hands and bit down hard on my bottom lip. Sassy was wearing my hot pink Prada combat boots and they didn’t even go with her freakin’ outfit, which thankfully wasn’t mine. New leaf, new leaf, new fucking leaf.
I needed her assistance and magically singeing the hair off of her head or zapping a few Mount Rushmore sized zits onto her chin wasn’t going to help. It would have been terribly satisfying in the moment, but I was trying to think more long term these days.
“Sassy, I have a little problem and I need your help,” I said, lamenting the fact that I needed her at all.
“It’s Christina.”
“Okay. Christina,” I ground out through clenched teeth. “I could use a hand here.”
“Does it have anything to do with the contortionist act of weirdos hanging above?” she asked as she walked over and examined the Shifter pretzel on my ceiling.
“Yes. Yes it does. And while they may be weirdos, they’re growing on me, so let’s use the term odd.”
“I can work with that. What would Mommie like me to do?” Sassy asked as she tilted her head and poked at the frightened trio.
Shitfire. Kill me now. Was I really going to play? Yes. Yes… unfortunately I was.
“Well, um… Mommie can’t get the information she wants out of the little dorks. They came here to kill Mommie to stop the play apparently. Now while I understand that I have absolutely no talent, I find it absurd that I should die for something that petty,” I explained without choking or breaking into hysterical laughter. Maybe I was a better actress than I thought. “Honestly, I’m pretty sure they wouldn’t have followed through on the killing part, but they woke me from a really good dream.”
“Sex dream?”
“Yep,” I confirmed.
“Do you want Christina to kill them for you, Mommie?” she asked with wide eyes and a sweet smile as Chip, Chad and Chunk shrieked and whimpered in fear.
“Um, no. While I find it bizarrely and alarmingly nice in a revolting way that you’d offer Mommie such a lovely gift, I’d prefer you just dig around in their brains and find out who sent them and why they’re really here. They won’t tell me even with the threat of eating their own nuts.”
“Hmmm,” Sassy said as she sat down on my bed and pondered my request. “Chipmunks have really small brains. It’s not going to be easy for Christina to extract information without possibly exploding their heads.”
Sassy turned away from the hanging and now gasping Chad, Chip and Chunk and winked at me. She was going to be the death of me, but right now I loved her. Maybe the added incentive of exploding would get my new frenemies to talk.
“Guys?” I questioned. “How’s that sound?”
“Badbadbad,” Chunk blubbered.
“It’s not exactly the way I want to go, but if it has to be… so be it,” Chip said quietly.
“Great balls of magical fire,” Sassy yelled and began to pet the trio of incompetent killers. “I won’t blow you up. Some say it tickles when I go brain diving.”
It was clear that my pseudo daughter felt sorry for the idiots, too.
“Sassy’s right,” I told them. “I don’t know about the tickle part, but she’s somewhat skilled at extracting the truth. If she pulls it out of your brains, then you didn’t actually admit anything.”
“It’s Christina,” she cut it.
“It’s going to be Bald Girl any second now,” I shot back.
“Got ya,” she said with a thumbs up.
Chad, Chip and Chunk glanced at each other warily.
“I suppose that would be okay,” Chip said slowly with a shudder. “But you could be putting yourself in grave danger by knowing too much.”
“Danger is my middle name,” I said with a smirk. “And I...”
“Is it really?” Sassy asked, surprised.
“Is what really?” I asked, exasperated.
“Is Danger really your middle name? I mean, it’s kind of strange… Zelda Danger. I guess it works, but I figured it was something like Zelda Donna or Zelda Tina or Zelda Jowanna.”
“It’s Claire and if you say anything else I will give you a pig nose and buck teeth,” I warned.
Sassy made the international zip the lip sign and closed her mouth.
“Everybody listen,” I stated as I wiggled my fingers and lowered the pretzeled chipmunks to the floor. “This is how it’s going to go down. Sassy, I mean Christina, is going to take you to the basement for a little fact finding. It’s a nice basement and easy to clean if there are any bodily fluids emitted during the procedure. Plus I can fix up any booboos—short of death that Sassy might cause.”
A Witch In Time: Magic and Mayhem Book Three Page 9
