Closing her eyes against the glare of the sun, Icelyn leaned against the doorframe and let the breeze wash over her. The air carried with it the smell of rain and the promise of gentler temperatures, reassuring her that soon the heat would break. Her mind immediately went to Malcolm where he was training in the field. She knew that it was hotter and more intense there than it was in the village and she hoped that he was doing alright. As soon as she thought of him, though, her mind went back to Weyland and the horror that seemed to exist just behind his shimmering eyes. She didn’t know what to think or how she was supposed to feel about everything that was happening around her. For years she had been torn, pulled in different directions by forces that she had no control over, and now she felt that the time might be coming that she would have to make the most important, and most difficult, decision that she ever made.
Icelyn felt like she couldn’t concentrate on anything that she was supposed to be doing throughout the rest of the day. Though she knew that there was so much that she needed to accomplish, she couldn’t force her thoughts to remain focused on anything other than the oppressive, overhanging thoughts that seemed to cloud her mind and dampen her ability to handle anything. Even after Malcolm returned to her house at the end of the day, she couldn’t keep her mind on even having a conversation with him. She had prepared a meal ahead of time for him and brought hers into her bedroom to eat, listening as he moved around the house showering, changing into the clothing that she had left out for him, and then settling down at the empty kitchen table to eat. Part of her wanted to go out to him and find the same comfort that she had found near him the night before, but she couldn’t. She was sitting in the center of her bed, struggling to finish a single seam on a shirt that she was repairing, when she knew that she couldn’t keep going this way.
Tucking the shirt, needle, and thread back into the box beside her bed, Icelyn got up and changed out of her nightgown and back into clothing. She crept out of her room and paused, staring down the hallway at the darkened living room until she was confident that Malcolm had gone to bed and wouldn’t notice her leaving. She made her way quietly through the house and slipped out of the door, locking it carefully behind her. The kingdom around her was quiet as she walked through the pools of moonlight and glimmer of stars toward the other side of the village. When she arrived at a house in an older section of the village, she stepped up to the door and rapped on it, hoping that she didn’t disturb anyone nearby. There was shuffling on the other side of the door and a few moments later a glow appeared between the curtains on the front window of the house. The door opened and Athan looked out at her, blinking through the sleepiness in his eyes as he stared at her inquisitively.
“Icelyn?” he asked as if he wasn’t entirely sure that he was really seeing her. “Is something wrong?”
“I have some questions,” she said, taking a breath and forcing her shoulders to relax as she willed her heart to calm and the trembling of her body to still. “I need you to tell me more.”
Chapter Seven
Malcolm lay as still as he could on the couch as Icelyn crept through the living room, not wanting her to know that he was awake. Though exhausted, he was still sleeping lightly out of fear of what might happen, and the sound of her climbing out of her bed and walking across her room had startled him awake. Now he listened as she eased her way out of the front door and locked it behind her. As soon as he heard the lock click into place, Malcolm climbed off of the couch and used the light from the window to guide him across the room so that he could look out. He watched her duck her head down and rush away from the house. Worry and suspicion rose up in his chest, making his heart pound. Where could she be going at this time of night? What was she doing rushing away from the house without letting him know where she was going, after avoiding him completely since he got back from training?
It was obvious that she wasn’t just going out for a walk to clear her mind. She was moving with intention and drive, telling Malcolm that she was going somewhere specific, likely to meet someone. Who could it be? Who could Icelyn need to talk to so urgently that she needed to leave so late at night and move with such hurry through the darkness? The thoughts were as sobering as they were worrisome. As much as Malcolm was feeling drawn and attracted to Icelyn, and as much as he wanted to feel as though he could simply give himself over to the feelings and trust her, he realized that he still didn’t know her. He didn’t know who this woman was or the history behind her that gave her the knowledge of the Order and its inner workings, and inspired Athan to select her to be the one who would take care of him until it was time to leave Uoria behind. Was it possible that she wasn’t who everyone thought she was?
The disturbing, stomach-turning idea that Icelyn might be working with the Order and was now heading toward them to offer him over to the Panel spinning through his mind, Malcolm dressed as quickly as he could. He didn’t let the thought of the danger that might be facing him right outside the house stop him as he ducked out of the house just as Icelyn did and started through the village. He tapped into the speed that was inborn in him and ran toward Athan’s house. Now was the time for him to know more about what he had put himself in the middle of with his decision. He needed to know more about the Order, the war, and the woman whose home he was sharing.
When he got to Athan’s house, he noticed there was a light burning inside. Athan was still awake. He knew that the man had been training with just as much intensity as he had and would have expected him to be asleep, which brought Malcolm to a stop. He approached the house cautiously, looking around himself to make sure that there was no one nearby. As he got closer, he heard voices coming from inside the house. He stepped up close to the window, pressing himself against the side of the house so that he could hear the voices better. Soon he realized that it was Athan speaking to Icelyn. While it was a relief to know that she hadn’t gone to the Order and was instead in the home of the person who he was meant to trust the most within the kingdom, this only brought up more questions. Malcolm turned his back to the rest of the village, hoping to disappear into the shadows so that even if someone did happen to walk by the house they wouldn’t notice him, Malcolm focused on the voices, trying to hear every word that they were saying.
“I don’t know what it is that you want me to say to you, Icelyn,” Athan said.
“I want you to explain what’s going on and why it has anything to do with me,” Icelyn replied. “I had nothing to do with any of this. I wasn’t involved. I didn’t even know that the problems with the Order were still going on or that anything needed to be done until the Denynso swarmed in here.”
“Of course, you did!” Athan shouted. He paused, and Malcolm could imagine him taking a breath to calm himself. “Of course, you knew,” he said in a softer, more controlled voice. “How can you say that you didn’t think that there was anything going on with the Order? You of all people?”
Malcolm’s interest increased, and he felt himself lean closer to the window so that he didn’t miss anything that was said. What could Athan have meant by that?
There was a long silence.
“Why does who I am matter?” Icelyn finally asked, her tone as cold as her name. “I didn’t ask to be a part of this. I didn’t ask to be dragged into all of this just because of my family.”
“You didn’t have to ask,” Athan said. “You were born into it and there is nothing that you can do about it, unless you are prepared to turn your back on your family, your kind, and your planet.”
“You know that I could never do that.”
“Then why are you asking these questions?” Athan asked.
“I just need to know,” Icelyn responded. “I don’t understand what’s going on. No one has told me anything. All you told me was that Malcolm had decided that he didn’t want to be involved in the Order anymore and wanted to be on your side of the rebellion, and that he was in danger and you needed me to give him a place to stay so that he would be protected until it was t
ime for all of you to go to Penthos.”
“There wasn’t time for me to tell you more,” Athan said.
“I understand that,” Icelyn said. “I needed to get to him as soon as possible so that he could get into a safer location. He’s there now. I have him and he’s doing just fine. We have time now.”
“What is it that you want to know?”
“Everything.”
“You know that I can’t tell you everything.”
“Then tell me what you can.”
“You know what happened to your grandfather,” Athan said. “That wasn’t an accident.”
“I know that.”
“He knew what Aegeus did and he was going to act on it as well.”
“What did Aegeus know?” Icelyn asked.
“About the corruption,” Athan said.
“I’ve heard that so many times,” Icelyn said. “All I’ve heard is about this pervasive corruption that was in the Order and how Aegeus was going to resolve it and end the war. But no one has ever said what the corruption was or who was involved. What did he know? What did he tell my grandfather that was enough for him to die for?”
Malcolm was startled by the question and stepped back from the house involuntarily. He stumbled slightly, gasping as he tried to right himself. Inside the house he heard Athan making a hushing sound, quieting Icelyn. Malcolm didn’t know if he should stay where he was or attempt to leave. If they had heard him, that meant that it was likely others had heard as well, and heading back to the house might reveal his presence to those he didn’t want to know where he was. On the other hand, he didn’t want Athan and Icelyn to know that he had been standing there listening to them. He didn’t have much chance to make a decision. Moments later the window opened, and he saw Athan’s face staring out at him.
“Malcolm!” he hissed.
“Malcolm?” Icelyn asked, her voice sounding shocked from inside the house.
Her face appeared beside Athan’s and Malcolm saw her eyes widen and then her jaw set. She stepped back from the window and an instant later the front door to the house opened and she ran out. Malcolm took a step toward her and then looked back at Athan. The older man glared at him from the window, the fury obvious on his face. Malcolm felt as though the glare was holding him in place even though he was pulled to chase after Icelyn, wanting to talk to her, needing to try to explain himself and take away the anger that it was so obvious that she was feeling. Finally, Athan broke the tension by stepping back from the window and disappearing into the house, closing the curtains sharply behind him. Malcolm turned and ran back toward Icelyn’s house.
His tremendous speed caught him up with her quickly, allowing him to fall into step beside her.
“Icelyn,” he said.
“Stop,” she said, not looking at Malcolm. “I don’t want to hear anything that you have to say.”
“But you need to,” he said.
Icelyn stopped and whirled to face him.
“Don’t tell me what I need to do,” she hissed. “You have no place telling me anything.”
She started again, and Malcolm chased after her.
“I didn’t follow you there,” he said.
Icelyn gave a mirthless laugh and shook her head.
“So, you just happened to come for a midnight visit when I was there?” she asked.
“Yes,” Malcolm said. “I needed to talk to Athan.”
“About what?” Icelyn said.
Malcolm bristled at the question. He wasn’t accustomed to having to justify himself to anyone outside of the Order and getting accustomed to this shift in his existence was still difficult for him.
“I had questions that I needed to ask him.” He hesitated, then knew that he needed to be honest with her. If they were going to have any chance of forming whatever tenuous relationship was just beginning, he would need to put down his guards and try to reach out to her. “I heard you leaving,” he said.
“So, you did follow me,” Icelyn accused.
“No,” Malcolm said. “I heard you leave and then I decided that I needed to talk to Athan. I got dressed and I left the house. By the time that I got out, you were gone. There was no way that I could have followed you even if I had wanted to.”
“Unless you ran like you just did.”
Malcolm didn’t know how to respond to her. It was as though she were doing everything that she could to push him away, to keep herself from closing the distance between them at all. They had arrived back at her house and Malcolm stepped back to allow her to go into the house first. The handle moved freely beneath her hand and she turned to glare at him.
“I wasn’t able to lock it,” he said to explain the door opening without her need to unlock it.
“So, you are just going to leave my home totally vulnerable?” she said. “If you aren’t in there, you don’t care?”
“That’s not the case,” Malcolm argued.
“Well, let me tell you,” Icelyn said, slamming the door and stalking through the house toward the kitchen that seemed to be her anchor within her home. She reached the counter and slammed her hands down on it for a moment before turning to face him. “This might not be much. It might be small and modest and not seem like it’s very important to you, but it is extremely important to me. It’s all I have. I don’t have a family to rely on. I have myself and my home, and I would appreciate if you would treat it with some respect.”
“I didn’t mean to…”
“And whether you want to admit it or not, you are not safe. You are in danger every single second that you are not inside this house or out on the training field, and after you just galivanted off to Athan’s house in the middle of the night without thought, it’s entirely possible that you are in danger here, too. What would have happened if they found out that you were staying here and then you left the door unlocked and they were in here waiting for us? What would have happened when we got back inside? Do you just not care what’s happening?”
“Of course, I care,” Malcolm said. “But the problem is, I don’t know what’s happening. You seem to think that I am on the same level as Athan when I’ve been trying to tell you that one of the main reasons that I decided to leave the Order was because I realized that I was just a pawn. I was no one and nothing to them, disposable, ready to be used however they pleased and then tossed away without ever knowing what I was meant to be a part of to begin with. I couldn’t keep living like that.”
“So, you left for you?” Icelyn asked. “Totally for yourself? If that’s the case, why did you even bother going to Athan and saying that you wanted to be a part of the rebellion? Was it just that you were too afraid to try to get out of the kingdom by yourself, so you had to seek out the help of someone else? What was your plan, exactly? Were you going to tell Athan that you wanted to be a part of this, take advantage of the training, and then leave?”
“Stop,” Malcolm said sharply, taking a step toward her. “Stop and listen to me!”
Icelyn seemed stunned by his outburst and fell silent. A hint of color touched her cheeks and he saw her crystal eyes shimmering.
“Alright,” she finally said. “Go ahead.”
“I don’t know why you are so determined that I am a horrible person that is just set out to destroy this entire mission or to sacrifice the planet, but I can assure you that that is not the case. Just like you said, I could have just as easily left the kingdom when I decided not to cooperate with the Order anymore. In fact, that would have been easier and likely far safer for me than to go to Athan and ask for his help. Instead, I put myself in the gravest danger of my life so that I could try to make amends for what I have done in my time in the Order.”
“What have you done?” Icelyn asked, her voice now soft and slightly tremulous.
“It’s not necessarily what I have done myself,” Malcolm told her. “But what the Order has done. Every moment that I spent in the Order, I was consenting to what they were doing. Even when I didn’t know what they were doing or
even who else was in the Order. Just by being in the hierarchy at all, I was a part of what they were doing, and I know now that I should feel horrible for that. When I was first inducted into the Order, I was honored. I had grown up knowing my father’s role in the hierarchy and the value that he placed on it. I was proud that I was finally a part of it and that I could make my contribution to this incredible effort.”
“You should be proud,” Icelyn said.
“No, I shouldn’t,” he said. “I believed the Order did good for the Universe, that it was designed to protect and to fight for those who needed it.”
“That is why the Order was created,” Icelyn contended. “Remember what I told you. The corruption is not the way of the Order. The true mission of the Order is so much more, so much more valuable and precious than anyone could ever imagine. I don’t know all of it. You know as well as I do that there are secrets within the hierarchy that are shared only with the chosen few. What I do know, though, is that there is a core to the Order that has integrity and strength, courage and power.”
“Unlike me, right?”
“What is that supposed to mean?”
“You went to Athan because you wanted to know more about me.”
“And you didn’t do the exact same thing?”
“I only went to him because I saw you leave the house. You could have asked me anything that you wanted to know. But you didn’t. You went to him because you don’t trust me.”
“Trust you?” Icelyn demanded. “I caught you standing outside of the house listening to my conversation with Athan. How am I supposed to trust you? I don’t even know you.”
“I don’t know you, either. I got shoved into your life just as much as you were into mine. I don’t know anything about you besides the fact that your grandfather was in the Order. I’m the one whose life is in danger; don’t you think that I deserve to know more about the person who is supposed to be keeping me safe?”
“You’re the one whose life is in danger? You think that you are the only one who is at any risk in this? What do you think that they would do to me if they found out that I took you in here and was harboring you?”
Malcolm and Icelyn's Story Page 5
