Rush

by Gina Gordon

  Much to my father’s pleasure.

  But I was unhappy. On so many levels. Not just because I was doing a job I didn’t like, but because I missed Everly. I hadn’t realized until she was gone how much I liked having her in my life. And it killed me, ripped me in two, knowing that it was over.

  But it was for the best. I couldn’t be with someone who didn’t see past the porn and into my heart. I had realized over the last two weeks that I should get used to being alone because I might never find that someone.

  My father had called me over to his house in the middle of the day. Which was weird. He was never home during business hours, but I knew why. We had barely spoken since the incident and the fact that our conversation was going to happen in private, I knew what he wanted to talk about.

  I just didn’t know what more needed to be said.

  I did a double knock on the front door before I opened it. Silence. I walked through the foyer into the kitchen. On the island was a note asking me to go downstairs to the accomplishment room.

  I knew what he was doing. He was going to try and prove that everything I had done over my life was because of them—my parents. But when I walked into the room, what I saw caused me to stumble two steps back.

  The entire room had been redecorated. I walked over to the right, noticing four extra years worth of accomplishments had been added, which included my adult entertainment awards, made-up certificates to show the growth in website membership numbers, and acknowledgments from Phoenix House.

  Most of the shelving had been removed and in its place were delicate boxes with glass windows that housed my mother’s sex toy line. New frames highlighted her Playboy covers and other pictures.

  There was only one person who could have done this. Everly. She had been here. In my father’s house. But when?

  I traveled the room, from left to right, taking in the accomplishments from newest to oldest, but when I got to the beginning, I didn’t expect another new item. I didn’t expect to see my baby picture.

  “That is hands-down our greatest accomplishment.” My father’s voice sounded behind me. “Despite all of the amazing things in this room, nothing tops the day we brought you into our family. The day you permanently became ours.”

  I hung my head, trying to will away the scream of frustration that desperately wanted out. I had so many questions. Things I needed to know—but I wasn’t sure I wanted to know the answers. Except for one. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

  I didn’t turn around. I wasn’t sure if I could take the look on my father’s face when he explained his justification for withholding my origins.

  “We wanted to, a few times, but we just never thought it was the right time.”

  I whirled around. I wasn’t sure what kind of answer I was expecting, but not the generic “there was never a good time” excuse. “It never would have been the right time.”

  “I know that now.” My father’s gaze fell to the floor. Despite my anger and pain, it saddened me even more that he lowered his eyes. My father didn’t lower his gaze to anyone.

  “Why would you go to all this trouble to make me feel like…? Why would you want me to take over anything when I’m not…?” My head spun with thoughts I just couldn’t understand. Except there was one truth that was perfectly clear. “I’m not even yours.”

  “Nonsense,” my father barked, causing me to jump in my spot. “You are mine. You were ours. Blood is not the definition of family.” He stepped closer, getting right in my face. “You are my son. Of course I want you to take over. Of course everything I have is yours. I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

  “But—”

  “There are no buts, Maximillian.”

  A shudder coursed through my body. “Is that even my name?”

  He smiled faintly. “Yes. Your birth mother agreed to that name with your mother’s coaxing.” He paused. “Ellie’s coaxing.” The use of her given name stabbed me like a knife to the chest. “Ellie knew you were going to do great things the moment you were placed in Liz’s arms. She was in the room when you were born.”

  “Liz?” Her name slipped off my tongue so easily. What did she look like? Did I look like her? But I didn’t have to coax. My father offered more information willingly.

  “Liz Sanders was Ellie’s best friend. Had been for years before you were born, but she was lost. She had an addiction. We couldn’t have a child, so when you were born, it was like you belonged to both of them. Ellie tried to help Liz over the years, and when she went back to drugs, Ellie took care of you. But make no mistake, the day your birth mother overdosed was the saddest day of Ellie’s life.”

  Even though she wasn’t my real mother, I didn’t think I would ever get used to referring to her as Ellie. Even after the truth, I didn’t want to.

  “We didn’t know what to do. We didn’t know who your father was. Ellie knew Liz didn’t have any family left. Maybe some long-lost aunts or uncles, but no one she spoke of. You would have ended up in the foster system, and we just couldn’t have that.”

  “So you took me?”

  He shook his head. “We adopted you. It’s perfectly legal and legitimate. We had to wait until it was all done before we could come back to Canada, but then you were ours.” Tears accumulated in my father’s eyes. “And it was the happiest day of my life.” He choked out those last words.

  I realized that after twenty-four years, I hadn’t had a happiest time in my life, let alone one whole day. I wanted a happy day. I wanted to live my life with the same contentment I saw in my father’s eyes. I knew if I spent any more time in the porn business, the chance of that happening was close to zero.

  My father looked at me with love and appreciation. I’d never get tired of seeing myself in his eyes. He believed I could do anything and I wanted nothing more than to prove him right. It was one thing to follow in his footsteps, but how did I know what he really saw in me wasn’t just a reflection of himself? Which made what I was about to say that much more hurtful.

  “Dad, we need to talk.”

  Ben had been right. Everly had been right. The only one who hadn’t seen the truth was me.

  “I…” I looked at my father, holding my breath, but I was going to have to breathe if I wanted a chance to move on. “I want to try something new.”

  “Of course.” He looked relieved. I wondered if he’d thought I was going to ask about finding my real family, or something that meant I would be leaving him. In a way, I was, but not for the reasons he expected. “You can do anything you want to do to breathe new life into White Lace.” He walked over to the newest section of the room and admired the awards. “I trust you.”

  “No…” Shit! How was I supposed to tell the man who lived only to make me happy and successful that all his actions were for nothing?

  “I want to try something new outside of White Lace. I…” I looked down at my hands as I clenched them in front of my body. “I don’t want to work at White Lace.” I let out a huge breath. That felt good to say. “I don’t want to take over.”

  That felt even better. I knew it by the way my stomach loosened its grip on my guilt.

  I had finally said it out loud. In front of my father. But when I looked up, he was staring at me with confusion. “I don’t understand.”

  If I was going to leave, I at least owed him the truth, no matter how bad.

  “I don’t want to listen to complaints about an actors’ personal hygiene. I don’t want to know how many enemas it takes to clear out an anus.”

  My father attempted to interrupt me, but I thrust my hand up, keeping him quiet.

  “I don’t want White Lace to be my future. It doesn’t make me happy.”

  “So what are you saying?” He stumbled back like my words had just shot right through him. “You…quit?”

  He looked devastated. Completely. Utterly. Heart-wrenchingly. Devastated.

  “Dad, I need this.” This time it was me rushing to him. “I need to do something with my life, an
d White Lace…isn’t it.”

  I knew that some people would kill to have a father like mine. Constantly proud and amazed at the things I did. But more importantly, I had to be proud and amazed at the things I did. I needed to love it, more than I needed my father to love it.

  “No, Maximillian. You’re just saying this because you think you’re not really my son. But you are.”

  “I haven’t been happy with this job in a long time. It’s not what I want for the rest of my life. You’ve built a great company, you’re successful, and most importantly, you put that success to good use and help people. But it’s your company.”

  “Everything that is mine is yours.” I heard the desperate plea in his voice, but I couldn’t give in to it. As much as it killed me, I couldn’t give in. “What does this mean for us?” he asked.

  “I’ve spent my whole life trying to live up to the Levin name, and now…after finding out…”

  I was a Levin, but not really a Levin. I had to come to terms with that. It would take time, but it had nothing to do with my decision.

  “You are some pretty big shoes to fill, Dad, but I don’t just want to fill them. Don’t take this the wrong way, but I want to be better. I want to be my own man, not Hirsh Levin’s son.”

  “I guess…” He sighed, shaking his head. “I guess I can understand that.”

  I ran my hands through my hair then scrubbed them over my face. “I know how much you love me. I know how much Mom loved me. But I’m not into this.” I held out my hands, gesturing to the room. “I wish I were. I want to make you proud, but I can’t do it…it’s just sex. I need more.”

  He gripped my shoulders tightly and shook me as if trying to knock some sense into me. “I’ve spent twenty-four years telling you that sex is just sex.”

  Yes, he had. Which was the only way a person could morally work in the porn business. But his next statement I never expected to hear.

  “But it’s not. Not when it’s with the one you love. Then it’s…” He looked over at one of my mother’s pictures. His eyes softened, and he whispered, “…life-changing.”

  He wasn’t making sense. I had just told him I wanted nothing to do with White Lace, and he was getting philosophical with me. Maybe he was in shock.

  “Are you all right?” I returned his affection and placed my hand on his shoulder. We stood like that for a moment while he continued to stare at my mother’s picture. “Dad, I don’t know why you’re telling me this.”

  He gave me a half-smile. “You have that look.”

  “What look?” I’d had about six looks since the moment I’d walked into the room.

  “The same look I had when I looked at your mother. The look I’ve seen on your face whenever you’re with Everly.”

  “You’re nuts.” I most certainly did not have a face when I was with Everly. Even if I did, it would have washed away the moment I realized she never truly saw me. “I don’t think I will ever find what you two had. She turned out to be just like all the rest. She couldn’t see past the porn.”

  “She spent all day in here with the hope that you would finally see it in yourself.” He cocked his head, trying his best to meet my gaze, but I refused to look up. “Would she have gone to all this trouble if she didn’t see the real you?”

  I had thought she saw me, too. Then I showed up at her house and she did her best to tell me she thought I was the carbon copy of my occupation.

  “She only did this because we had a fight. She’s just trying to make up for what she did.”

  There were no chairs in the room so my father leaned against the wall by the door, one of the only spots not covered in accomplishments.

  “You had a fight at the wrap party?”

  “No.” The wrap party had gone perfectly. Until the bomb had been dropped. “It was after that.”

  “She was here the day after the wrap party.”

  She’d done this before I had accused her of being just like everyone else. But…how could she do all this, and then still think I was someone I wasn’t?

  Maybe you overreacted. Maybe she was trying to do something nice.

  My mind replayed the evening. Everything was still crystal clear in my mind. She’d kept saying she wanted to be sexy. Come to think of it, it was the same thing she had said at Ben’s. She wanted to be sexy because she thought I didn’t think she was. It was insecurity, and by denying her, I had just solidified the doubt in her mind.

  She did believe in me.

  Relief washed over me. I had been so heavy, so overwhelmed with guilt and sadness, it felt like the weight of the world had been lifted from my shoulders. I hadn’t realized I had been living in that darkness for years—walking around in some sort of haze, unsure of myself. Then I met Everly, and that haze had lifted.

  I had spent all this time trying to help her with her list, focusing on her happiness, that I hadn’t realized how much happiness she had brought into my life. How clear the road ahead had become without me even realizing it.

  My whole life, I knew I needed to be great. I needed to live up to my name. I did things I already knew I was good at to ensure that greatness. Essentially, I was cheating. Porn was my comfort zone, but love…Love was so far out of my comfort zone it was on another planet.

  Everly had brought me out of the darkness, literally and figuratively. I loved her. Still loved her. We may not end up with a happily ever after like my parents, but I wouldn’t let her belief in me go to waste.

  “Dad, I have to go.”

  “Max…” He grabbed my arm as I tried to brush past him. “We still have to talk.”

  “I know.” I looked at the shelves again, admiring everything my family had accomplished.

  We still had so much to talk about. My mother. My birth mother. The reasons behind their lies. My future. But it could wait.

  I didn’t know where I was going from here. I didn’t know if a year from now that shelf would house a new success story. My new success story.

  I needed to think. I needed to clear my head and figure out a new plan. Maybe even plot the takeover of a hotel. There was only one way I knew how to sort out my life, and that was on the track.

  I had two kilometers to run.

  Chapter 32

  Everly

  I drove like a bat out of hell to the park. I had managed to go home and change my clothes. I even remembered to grab a bottle of water to hydrate. That was the first lesson Max had ever taught me about running.

  Max.

  I slammed my car door shut and forced him out of my head. I couldn’t get bogged down with thoughts of him. The relationship had been doomed from the start. We were as star-crossed as two people could be, and there was no way I could have known that I would have fallen in love with the same man I wasn’t supposed to give the time of day.

  Max and I might not have walked off into the sunset together, but at least I had learned one very important lesson. I could be anyone I wanted to be. I could be sexy. I could be a student. I could be neither of those things, and I would still survive. I had a bright future in front of me, and I wasn’t going to waste a minute of it.

  There was a light breeze in the air today, which was good, considering I needed all of the help I could get propelling myself down that track. With the wind at my back, the eight times around might not be such a daunting task.

  I saw the crowd of bobbing heads in the distance. They had already started running. I rushed the registration desk, almost toppling it over when I skidded on some gravel.

  “Can I still run?” I blew out the words with heavy breaths.

  “Of course.” The blond gym rat who sat behind the desk answered. He gave me a soft smile, but I knew by the way he looked at me that he doubted my stamina.

  Maybe he was right. I couldn’t even run from my car without being out of breath. How was I going to run two kilometers? I fisted my hands at my sides. I can do this. I had to do this. I owed it to my gram to do this.

  I gave the gym rat my name and
he found it on the list. Not that I would have been able to argue if it wasn’t. I hadn’t done anything to register, it had all been…

  Max.

  Was I ever going to be able to do anything in this world without thinking about him? I’d never be able to run again without thinking of him, and sex…Well, he had ruined me for sexual activity of any kind.

  It took all of my willpower not to ask if he’d registered. He had no reason to be here. He was so far beyond running two kilometers.

  I downed the rest of my water then performed some of the stretches Max had taught me. I went through the routine without thinking. After the last few weeks, the movements were second nature.

  The first step on the red clay felt like the first step toward my future. I felt great. I felt confident. I was on my way to a new life—to a new Everly.

  But one kilometer into the race, my feet hit the ground like they were coated in cement, every step hurt worse than the last. Then panic seized my insides. I doubled over, right in the middle of the track, and actually forced someone to sidestep me. The crowd was now evenly dispersed around the track, people running at their own pace. The woman behind me cursed under her breath, but I didn’t acknowledge it.

  The realization had finally washed over me. I had just flunked out of law school. I had just disappointed my parents. Gone against all of their wishes. And there was no going back.

  “Did you forget to drink your water again?”

  I sucked in a huge breath when I registered the sound of the sexy voice beside me.

  Max. Was here. On the track.

  The crowd had already taken off when I’d started. There was no way I would have been able to see him, which was a good thing. I might have run the other way.

  “What are you doing here?” I looked over, which wasn’t the best idea, since turning my attention from the path caused me to teeter to the left and I had to hold out my other hand to right myself. But the uneasiness was worth it when I saw his face—still beautiful, still sexy, still everything I had never wanted.