“You’re more beautiful than all thoth bitcheth put together,” Carl whispered in my ear and I jumped. Where in the hell did he come from?
“Carl, you just scared the shit out of me, but thank you.”
“Your motht welcome, Athrid. I’d offer you a drink, but alath I have no blood,” he said apologetically.
“It’s okay,” I assured him. “Hey Carl, why is Janet afraid of the Guards?”
His demeanor changed on a dime from sweet and harmless to furious. “Did they talk to her?”
“No,” I said quickly as I realized I could be inadvertently opening a fucked up can of whoop ass.
He relaxed marginally. “Ever thince she had her beard and muthache removed they have perthued her. Janet ith my mate and I won’t tolerate harathment. I will kill them.”
“Oookay,” I reassured him. “I’ll keep my eye on them.”
“Thank you. I mutht get back to work. Have a lovely evening, Athrid.”
“Did he just say his girlfriend had a beard and mustache?” Ethan asked as we watched Carl slip back into the crowd.
“Yep.”
“We need to go home.”
“I couldn’t agree more. How do my boobs look?”
“Edible, why?” he asked.
“Because if I can’t have a sword I need some kind of weapon.”
His mouth gaped open and his eyes blazed green in anger. “I am holding my shit together for the moment, but I need to understand what you just said. Tell me that you did not just ask a Master Vampyre, not to mention your mate, if your boobs would be a good weapon to use on other men in this room.”
“Actually I did.”
“Astrid, the temptation to put you across my knee and spank you and then fuck you so you won’t be able to notice another man for the rest of your unnaturally long life is so very tempting at the moment. It will take everything I own not to do just that,” he snapped.
“That sounds awesome,” I said honestly. He closed his eyes and let his head fall back on his shoulders. “But we have a Sword to find and I need to figure some shit out. So, if my boobs will distract . . . I will use them.”
“Shall I pull my dick out?” he asked sarcastically.
“Not yet.” I winked and left him standing there in shock.
Cole was surrounded by Guards, but he stood to the outside of the circle and watched the room. He was as stupidly beautiful as the rest of the Demons in Hell, but there was something harder about this particular man. As a Guard, I wondered if he was permitted to use his magic to kill. I assumed so or he would be fairly worthless to Satan.
“Hi, Cole,” I said and extended my hand in greeting.
He nodded his head curtly and ignored my outstretched hand. What in the hell did Demons have against polite greetings? Was it because I had Vampyre cooties? I let it fall back to my side, but kept my smile firmly on my face.
“Miss Porter, it is good to see you this evening,” he said, barely giving me a glance as he continued to scan the room.
“Call me Astrid,” I said. “Are you armed?”
“I’m sorry, what?” Now I had his attention.
“I asked if you were armed. As a Guard I wondered if the rules were different.”
He considered me for a long moment. “No. I don’t need weapons to protect my Savior. Are you?”
Oookay, he gave me the creeps, but that didn’t mean he was guilty. “Nope, just my fangs.” I grinned and gave him a quick peek. He wasn’t impressed.
We stood in awkward silence and his eyes drifted back to Satan and Amanda.
“She’s lovely,” I said, hoping he’d let loose and dish on Amanda.
“I have no clue who you mean,” he said in a flat voice that made it clear I was annoying him—so much for my boobies.
“Amanda. She’s something else.”
He glanced over at them and his eyes narrowed slightly. “Yes. She is.” Turning back to me, he gave me another curt nod. “Please accept my condolences about your father. He was a misunderstood man. I must get back to work. Good evening . . . Astrid.”
My mouth gaped open and words got lodged in my throat. What in Satan’s name did he mean that my father was misunderstood? I was fairly sure he was not misunderstood at all. He was a psychotic loose cannon in Hell and everyone I’d come across thus far, including his mother, was pleased to hear of his demise. Cole was a weird one. It was also odd that Satan hadn’t asked him to find the damn Sword. Did that mean my uncle didn’t trust his second? This was a fucking mess.
“Did the boobs work?” Ethan asked, knowing full well they hadn’t helped a bit. His supersonic hearing would have clued him into the failed conversation.
“My boobs were fabu.” I smiled sweetly. “I think he’s gay.”
Ethan’s laughter followed me as I made my way toward my cousins . . . and Dante?
What was Dante still doing in Hell and why was he with the Sins?
“All three of you have the same Offensive Leprechaun name because you’re triplets,” Envy informed Gluttony, Pride and Sloth as she scrolled Facebook on her phone. “You’re Sharty O’Legspreader.”
“That’s absolutely foul,” Pride sniffed. “I don’t like that one.”
“I do,” Sloth laughed and ruffled her sister’s perfect hair. “It’s also accurate where you’re concerned.”
“Can it, bitch,” Pride said as she scooted away from her sloppy triplet.
The Sins stood in a group isolated from the rest of the dinner guests. They looked like high fashion models with a bad attitude. I didn’t blame people for avoiding them. If I had a choice I would do the same, but I didn’t have one. I had a freakin’ job and I was beginning to think the pay dirt might be one of the nut-jobs in front of me.
“Astrid,” Wrath cooed. “Divine as usual.” She leaned in for an inappropriate lip lock, but I was saved by Dante of all people.
“What is this Facebook you speak so highly of?” he demanded of Wrath before she was able to make the cousin love connection. She rolled her eyes in disgust and pointed at Envy.
“Ask her.”
“What is your last name, Dante?” Envy asked. Her eyes sparkled with mischief. “And your birthdate. The day, not the year.”
“Alighieri,” he spat, completely insulted that she didn’t know. “And my birth date is September fourteenth.”
“Envy, don’t,” Greed warned as she sidled up to Dante and wrapped her arms around him. Well, now I knew why he was here. I’d called it correctly at the poker game. I wasn’t quite sure what she saw in him. He was substantially shorter and his attitude sucked, but who was I to judge true love or a meaningless hook up?
“Dante,” Envy purred, ignoring her sister’s warning. “Your Leprechaun name is Slutty McKnobhobber Douchebag McShitsucker.”
The entire group went silent as a highly unattractive purple suffused Dante’s face. “I take extreme offense at that dreck. That is ungainly for a woman to use that kind of vulgar language and I shall not partake in this conversation.” He put his rather large nose in the air and walked off in a huff.
“Holy hell,” I gasped and sucked back my laughter. “Did it actually say that?”
“I embellished just a tiny bit.” Envy giggled and tossed her long shiny locks over her shoulder.
“What exactly do you see in him?” Wrath asked Greed.
“Did you see the size of his nose?” She grinned suggestively.
“You’ve tapped that?” Envy asked, wrinkling her pert nose in disgust.
“No,” Greed said. “But after tonight I will. Excuse me.” She rushed off after the very disgruntled Dante.
In front of me stood Wrath, Gluttony, Pride, Sloth, Greed, Envy, but no Lust. I scanned the room for Ethan to make sure Lust wasn’t stupid enough to try anything else. Ethan had joined a conversation with Cole and the Guards. Smart man. Boobs didn’t work, but testosterone might.
“Who you looking for?” Wrath asked with a knowing grin.
“Santa Claus.”<
br />
“Interesting. I think he’s in Purgatory—with Lust.”
I froze and stared at her for a moment to see if she was telling the truth. She was. My body relaxed. I hadn’t realized how tense I was about bumping into Lust after what she’d heard. At least now I didn’t have to. My guess would be that Satan didn’t think she had the Sword or she would be here. I did need to have a little chat with my uncle, but that was going to be difficult. Shit.
“Dinner is therved,” Carl called from the middle of the room. He was flanked by Janet on his right and Myrtle on his left. Myrtle gave me a covert thumbs up and I shot her one back.
“Take your seats, my friends and family. The show is about to begin,” Satan bellowed joyously.
Lights. Camera. Action.
Chapter 25
Thankfully I was seated next to Ethan. The gorgeously laid out main table was for family and close friends. Several other tables, equally as lovely, were specifically for the Guards and their wives or significant others. The main table held Satan at one end and Wrath at the other. I assumed if he took Amanda as a mate that might be her spot. Amanda sat to the Devil’s left and Cole to his right. Seated next to Amanda was Envy, then Greed, Dante, and Gluttony. On our side after Cole was Sloth then Ethan, myself, Dixie and Pride. That put me directly across from the delightful Dante. Nice. One chair sat empty down at Wrath’s end. I assumed that one would have belonged to Lust.
The room seated probably forty or so and was now lit completely by candlelight. Janet turned out the electric lights as we were seated and Satan clapped his hands twice. A rush of magic that tickled my tummy blew through the room and hundreds of candles illuminated. The crowd applauded enthusiastically. It was beautiful. The crystal and heavy silver literally sparkled. The sheer amount of firepower in the room was a tad nervewracking, but the effect was stunning.
I tried to make eye contact with Amanda several times, but she avoided me like the plague. I suppose the whole lip popping incident had scarred her. Who knew?
“Ethan, did you learn anything from Cole?” I asked silently as I passed the basket of rolls that was making its way around the table. I wanted one badly, but knew that gagging at a formal dinner party would be considered bad form.
“Not much, but he seems to have a healthy obsession with Amanda,” he replied.
“Really? I thought he didn’t trust her.” I glanced down at Cole and Amanda, but they weren’t even looking at each other.
“I’m sure he doesn’t, but it might go a bit deeper than that.” He smiled and raised his glass. “Astrid, pay attention. There’s a toast.”
“Whoops,” I raised my glass, then put it to my lips. There was no way in hell I was going to drink anything, but I wanted to fit in. Much to my great surprise it was blood. WTF? I glanced up in surprise and caught Satan’s eye. He winked and I laughed, almost spilling my treat.
The dinner, which I didn’t touch, smelled heavenly. Wine and conversation flowed freely and the atmosphere was light. However, as the meal wound down something changed. I felt a chill. A dark magic unfurled and wafted through the room. My hands felt clammy and my chest constricted painfully. What was it? Who was it? The desire to get up and move was strong. The magic was dissipated and not coming from any one direction. I glanced over at Satan, who seemed oblivious. Running around the room might appear odd, even for the Vampyre guest, so I stayed seated.
“Do you feel that?” I asked Ethan.
“Feel what?”
“Dark icky Demon voodoo.”
“Did you say Demon doodoo?”
“Oh my God, no. Why would I say dark icky Demon doodoo?”
“You tell me.”
“I said voodoo. Not doodoo,” I snapped so loudly, his hand went his forehead and he winced.
“Sorry, I’ll keep my thought volume lower,” I muttered. “But do you feel it?”
“No, I don’t.” He closed his eyes and focused. “I feel nothing.”
The pressure on my chest eased, but the eerie presence remained. No one noticed, or if they did they showed no sign. Unable to hone in, I figured I’d continue to play Sherlock Holmes and delve back into the non-magic intel.
“Why does Wrath sit there?” I asked Dixie.
“She will become the leader of Hell when Daddy decides to retire or whatever,” she said quietly.
“What if Big Lips has a boy? Does that fuck up the line?”
“As far as I know it would, but I don’t think the baby is his. Amanda gets around—at least she did before she dug her claws into Daddy.”
“Does Wrath think the baby is your dad’s?”
“Nope, she’s positive that Amanda will be in deep shit—her words, not mine—after she gives birth.”
I was so happy I wouldn’t be here for that shit show.
“Who’s behind Wrath in line for the throne?”
“Envy. then Greed, then Lust, then the triplets, then me,” she said.
I stored the information away and eyed the desserts that were coming out to the table. Shitshitshit. Black raspberry chip ice cream? Was someone screwing with me? That was my favorite and I almost threw a tantrum.
“You can do this,” Ethan said, holding me back from the ice cream.
“I just want to sob,” I whispered. “What the hell is wrong with me?”
“You’re having our baby and he apparently wants ice cream.” He smiled and squeezed my hand.
“I guess so,” I pouted.
“I told you I’d give you what you want if you give me what I want,” Dante hissed under his breath to Greed. He clearly didn’t know about super duper immortal hearing skills. Although no one else seemed to be listening.
“Dante,” she purred. “You get yours after I get mine.”
Um, gross. I did not want to hear them discuss the arrangements or, God forbid, details of their rendezvous. Trying to tune them out, I refocused on the desserts I couldn’t eat. Note to self . . . no more dinner parties while pregnant.
“I just want it. Now,” he insisted. “If you don’t give it to me my way then you’ll get nothing.”
Now, unfortunately, he had my full attention. I was about to throw up in my mouth and I didn’t need the ice cream to help me. I had no clue what she saw in him. He was a douche.
“You are more trouble than you’re worth,” she snapped and turned to chat with her sister Envy, leaving the asshole with no one. Gluttony had turned her back to him at the beginning of the meal.
“So, Dante my man,” Satan bellowed. “Are you here taking poker lessons or trying to find out if I’ve hidden some levels from you?” The crowd tittered and Dante fumed.
“I’m still here trying to figure out how to be a cheating, conniving, soulless bastard like you,” he shot back and the room went silent.
After an uncomfortably long pause, the Devil threw his head back and laughed. The other Demons followed suit much to the great relief of Greed, who shot eye daggers at Dante.
“Those are some rather harsh words for someone trying to get into my daughter’s pants,” Satan added as the laughter died down.
“Daddy,” Greed gasped.
“Yes, well . . . my apologies,” Dante muttered insincerely. “Greed, a word?” he stood and pulled her chair out for her. The crowd stood and began to mill about as after dinner aperitifs were passed around.
“Something is off,” I muttered and realized I was talking to myself.
Ethan had been drawn into an animated conversation with the Devil and the Seven Deadly Sins were chatting it up with Amanda the pregnant consort. No one back at home was going to believe any of this. I had a difficult time absorbing it. I watched as Dante roughly led Greed from the room and the voodoo stopped. The dark magic left the room with them. Bingo. It could not be this easy.
I quickly made my way out of the dining room. I caught Dixie’s eye right as I reached the door. She arched an eyebrow in question, but I simply smiled and waved.
The hallway was dark. Thank God for Vamp vision.<
br />
I heard them from a distance and I made my way toward the sound. The hallway was thickly carpeted and I was able to move silently. Their voices were raised, but where was the magic? It had disappeared. Crap. It sounded like they were fussing at each other or someone was injured—it sound horrific. Would they lead me to the Sword? Could I go home tonight? I was curious to meet God, but I wanted to get out of Hell even worse. Could it really be so simple?
No. Of course fucking not.
I picked up my pace and rounded the corner. If Dante had hurt Greed he was toast. I liked her and I . . . Oh. My. Hell. My first thought was that I would have to bleach my eyes . . . Dante’s pants were at his ankles and Greed was on her knees in front of him. The slurping and moaning set my gag reflex in motion.
“Oh shit,” I gasped. Dante’s ass was nice, but extremely white. The entire situation was mortifying and would stay with me for centuries.
They turned and stared. Greed’s expression was one of shock and Dante’s was pissed.
“I am so sorry,” I mumbled backing away. Dante had slapped his hands over his eyes and swore in what sounded like Italian. Greed pointed to Dante’s rather oversized manhood and gave me the thumbs up. I weakly returned the gesture and turned to go.
“Would you like to join us?” Greed called out as I hauled ass back to the dining room.
“Um . . . no, I’m good,” I choked out. “But thanks.”
“Maybe another time,” she yelled as I picked up my pace to a sprint. I needed to go home. Immediately.
No Sword. No magic. Only eternal memories of my cousin giving a douchewanker a blow job in Hell. And now I was lost. How did I get lost? Granted, the Dark Palace was huge, but this was fucking ridiculous. I hadn’t followed Greed and her boy toy very far and I was sure I went back the same way. Maybe in my haste to get away, I’d overshot the door.
A violent jolt of hazy black magic made me freeze. It carried the same signature as the magic I’d felt at dinner. It hadn’t left the room with Greed. It had stopped and made me think it had been Greed. The owner of the magic had wanted me gone. Shit. Something was going down in the dining room and I couldn’t find it.
Fashionably Dead Down Under Page 21
