by Cathryn Fox
“We’d love to spend the day with her,” Karl says, then lowers his voice and adds, “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome,” I say. Clearly, on some level, they understand I could keep Cassie from them if I wanted. But I’d only be hurting my child, and I’d never in a million years want to do that to her.
I hurry up the stairs, and go down the hall in search of Cassie. She’ll be happy to know her grandparents are here. My steps slow when I hear voices coming from her room.
“Rachel,” Cassie begins quietly, in that mature voice reserved for when she has something important to say. I want her to remain an innocent child for as long as possible, but there are times I realize she’s more grown up than I’d like.
“Yeah, kiddo,” Rachel says using my nickname for my daughter. It brings a smile to my face.
“Grandma and Grandpa told me my mommy is going to come home.”
Rage goes through me. Fuck, man, they had no right to say that to her, or get her hopes up in any way. I make a mental note to have a little talk to them when I go back downstairs. I’m about to enter the room, but stop when Rachel stills, and I get the sense she stopped breathing.
“I…heard. That’s great news, Cassie.” I catch sight of my two girls sitting on the bed, Rachel combing out her hair.
Cassie scrunches her face up the way she always does when she’s deep in thought. “But I want you to be my mommy, Rachel.”
15
Rachel
As November bleeds into December, there has been no sign of Sarah and I’m not sure how I feel about that. Cassie said she wanted me to be her mother, but Jaxon flat out said to his in-laws that he wishes Sarah was back in their lives. My mind races back to that day on Cassie’s bed, when she made that statement. I was shocked by her words, maybe even more shocked to glance up and see Jaxon in the doorway. He had a strange look on his face, one I’d never seen before. I must have had that same look on my face, because the one thing we didn’t want happening was, well…happening. Cassie was growing close to me, looking at me as a mother figure, and that was something we’d been trying to avoid.
But I want that.
Jaxon still loves his ex.
My stomach cramps at that. I am so freaking stupid. This was just supposed to be an affair. I wasn’t supposed to fall for this man or his daughter.
I flip the page on my textbook, and try to concentrate, but the house is quiet, too quiet. A loud bang sounds outside—something like a trash can tipping over—and I glance up from Jaxon’s kitchen table. It’s mid-week, and there are no parties going on at my place. I laugh at that. My place. I’m paying rent for a room I barely use. I walk quietly across the floor and glance out into the darkness. My heart jumps into my throat when I see movement near the bushes. I leap back, and take a few deep breaths. When will I ever stop worrying that my ex has found me?
Probably never.
I take a few quick breaths to calm myself and check the clock. It’s nearing seven, but with the days growing shorter, the nights are that much longer—and darker. It’s a school night, which means Jaxon and Cassie should be back soon. They’ve been disappearing a couple times a week. Daddy/daughter things, Jaxon explained, without telling where they’ve been and really, is it any of my business?
Heck, maybe Sarah is back and they are sneaking out to see her. As old insecurities and fears creep their way back in, I push them down. Jaxon is a good man. He’d never do something so devious. Right? Besides, Cassie would come straight out and tell me that she’s been seeing her mom. That little girl doesn’t have a dishonest bone in her body. But then again, she’s been acting a bit strange and secretive too.
A lump forms in my throat, and warning bells urge me to end this now. To stop playing house with Jaxon and his daughter. Yeah, I should close my books, pack up my clothes and head next door. Once there, I should give my room to one of the other girls to avoid seeing him moving around in his room shirtless.
So why aren’t I doing any of that?
God, I am so pathetic.
I should leave. I should leave right now.
A car door slams followed by Cassie’s voice. “Daddy, that was fun.”
“It’s our secret, remember?”
My heart falls into my stomach. Why do they have a secret? What is it that they don’t want me to know? I’m not sure, but as a chill goes through me, I fold my arms across myself and hug.
They entered through the front door, and the second Jaxon sees me, he goes into warrior mode. “Rachel, what is it?”
God, what do I tell him? That I’ve fallen for him and his daughter. That I’d like to make what we’re doing here permanent. I can’t say those things. Jaxon asked me to stay on as the nanny and never spoken long term. How could he when his ex could walk through the door any day and ask for her family back?
I open my mouth, but when I hesitate, he comes toward me and puts both hands on my arms. I absorb his warmth, revel in it.
“I heard a noise outside earlier. It spooked me.”
His brow furrows. “Yeah?”
“Yeah, there are no parties at my place, so it just freaked me out a bit.”
“Okay, why don’t you get Cassie in the bath, and I’ll do a perimeter check. It was probably just a raccoon or something.”
“Okay,” I say, hating myself for feeling all emotional. He disappears outside, locking up behind him, and I take a look at Cassie. “Bath time.”
She takes my hands and my heart wobbles as she skips down the hall. How could any mother leave a child like her? I pour the bath and help Cassie in.
Without wanting to pry too much, I ask. “So you had a fun with your daddy tonight?”
She smiles. “I had a lot of fun.”
“I’m so glad.” I want to ask here where she went and what she did, but I don’t want to betray Jaxon’s trust. I help her bath, wash her hair, and by the time we’re finished, Jaxon’s footsteps coming down the all reach my ears.
“Hey,” he says. “Let’s get you into your pajamas.” I hand over a clean Cassie to him and make my way back to my books. I flip the pages, so lost in thought I hadn’t heard Jaxon’s approach.
He touches my hair, and I nearly jump ten feet in the air.
“Whoa. You okay?” he asks.
“I didn’t hear you.”
He narrows his eyes. “What’s bothering you?”
I make light of it, but I fear he can see right through me. “That noise spooked me,” I say, not a lie, and gesture with a nod toward the window.
“It was nothing.” He scrubs his chin, and averts my eyes. The hairs on my neck tingle. What is he not telling me. “Just a kicked over trash can. Raccoon likely.” I’m about to question him on that, when he says. “Want to watch a movie?”
“I can’t. Exams, and I’m having a hard time concentrating.”
His grin turns mischievous. “You know I can help you with that.”
I laugh, a little of the tension leaving with it. “I know, but my exam is tomorrow.”
“When is your last exam?”
“December 9th.”
“Ah, the day before your birthday.”
“You remembered my birthday?”
He gives me a look like I’m dense. “Yeah. So about me helping you concentrate,” he says, bringing the conversation back to sex.
Or is this about sex?
Maybe he really is interested in my school, and grades. He knows they are important to me, and he’s been so supportive, driving me back and forth—even though my own car is working now—and making my lunches to ensure I’m fueling the brain. His words, not mine.
“I can’t be up all night making love to you.”
Making love.
Oh, God Rachel get it together.
A softness comes over him, and he says, “How about just half the night.” He bends forward, presses his lips to mine. His kiss, so achingly tender and profound it takes me by surprise and has me wondering if he really is still in love with this ex. N
o man can kiss like that without feeling something more, right?
Do I dare hope?
“Okay, half the night,” I agree.
16
Jaxon
“Daddy, where is she?” Cassie asks impatiently from the back seat.
“She’ll be here any second,” I say, and scan the big steps leading to her lecture hall. I glance at the dashboard clock. Rachel’s last exam before the Christmas break ended at five and it’s ten minutes past. I tap my leg restlessly. I hope everything went all right for her. I’ve been helping her stay focused, but I hope I wasn’t taking up too much of her time, or making her too tired when we fell into bed and made love every night.
“There she is, Daddy. There she is,” Cassie yells, and I can’t help but chuckle. When this affair started, it was with the intention of a sex-only relationship for me, and Cassie was never supposed to fall for the girl next door. Well, so much for best laid plans, because both of us are crazy about her, and tonight after I get Cassie tucked into bed, I’m going to tell her that.
A smile splits Rachel’s face as she tugs on her dollar store mitts and hurries toward us. My heart beats a little fast when her gaze meets mine, and since she’s smiling I can only hope her exams went well.
“Hey, you two,” she says as she jumps into the passenger seat. “It’s cold out there.”
No matter how much I want to kiss her, I can’t. Not before I talk to her tonight, and then to Cassie. My daughter is smart, and probably guesses how we feel about each other, but I want to have a conversation with her before we publicly display our affection. So instead of kissing her shivering mouth, I slide a hand across the seat and place it on her leg.
“How did it go?”
“Not too bad.”
“Yeah.”
“Pretty good, actually.”
“That’s my girl,” I say, and give her leg a squeeze.
Cassie starts to kick my seat. “Let’s go, Daddy.” I laugh. She’s so excited to finally show Rachel what we’ve secretly been doing the last week.
“What are you so excited about, Cassie?” Rachel asks.
I glance at my daughter in the rearview mirror and she take a deep breath and puffs her cheeks out, like she’s been doing for the last few weeks when it took everything in her to keep our surprise from Rachel.
“I’m hungry,” she finally blurts out.
“Oh, well as soon as we get home, I’ll make us something to eat,” Rachel says. I smile at that, the world as I know it right for the first time in a long time. She gives me a strange look. “What?” she asks me like I just grew a second head.
Instead of answering, I ease into traffic, and Cassie and Rachel chat. “What do you feel like having for dinner tonight, kiddo?”
“I…um…”
I catch Cassie’s eyes in the mirror again. “Let’s wait and see what’s in the fridge when we get home.”
“Why are you two acting so weird?” Rachel asks curiously, cautiously.
“We’re not.”
For a brief second she looks away, but not before I catch the concern on her face. Wanting to lighten her mood, I redirect the conversation. “So you must feel relieved now that Christmas break is here.”
“We’re getting our tree tomorrow,” Cassie yells out from the back seat. “We’re cutting it down ourselves.”
“That’s nice.”
“We had to wait a long time this year,” Cassie announces.
“Oh, why is that?” Rachel asks.
“Cassie,” I say, a little warning in my voice. I don’t want her to spill the reason we’ve been waiting. She puffs her cheeks out again and I glance at Rachel, catch that worried look again.
“It was a timing thing,” I explain.
“Oh, I see.” She folds her hand on her lap and stares straight ahead.
“Daddy, it’s snowing,” Cassie says, and I smile as I flick on the wipers to wash away the few flakes. This night couldn’t be any more perfect.
Rachel is acting a little strange when we reach home. She climbs from the car and looks from my front door to hers, like she’s debating on which direction to go. I give her a little nudge. She’s been with us for over a month now. I have no idea why she would ever want to step back into her party house, and I’ll ask her what’s going on later when I sit her down for a talk, but for now, Cassie is going to burst from her secrets if we don’t get inside.
I scoop Cassie up, grab Rachel’s hand and hurry up the front steps. I unlock the door, and the second we step inside, Cassie yells, “Surprise.”
I laugh at that. The poor kid has been doing so good, I can’t blame her for not being able to hold it for another second.
“What’s going on?” Rachel asks as I flick the lights on. The scent of sugar cookies reaches our nostrils and Rachel breathes in deep. “You baked?”
“We baked,” Cassie says, and I set her down. She grabs Rachel’s hand. “Come on.”
I follow behind as Cassie ushers Rachel down the hall and into the kitchen. When Rachel enters, she goes perfectly still. I step up behind her, put my mouth to her ear.
“Happy birthday, Rach.”
She takes in the table set for three. Yeah, I had to read up on how to properly set a table, but Rachel is so worth the effort, but it will never make up for the things my daughter is learning from her.
She spins to face me, and blinks rapidly, but I see the water in her eyes. “This is for me?”
“For your birthday.”
“It’s not until tomorrow.”
“But we wanted to celebrate early.”
“Why?”
Because I couldn’t wait one more minute to tell her how I feel and ask her to stay here with us both permanently.
“It’s a timing thing,” I say without any further explanation.
She pinches her lips tight and turns from us. “You made my favorite sugar cookies.”
“Not sure if they’re the same recipe as your mom’s, but we tried. And there is cake in the fridge in case we messed up.”
Cassie giggles at that. “We made lasagna, too.”
“My favorite,” she says quietly.
“I know,” I murmur from behind.
“How did you know?”
“There is a lot I know, Rachel, and we need to talk after, okay?”
Before she can respond, Cassie grabs a chair and pulls it out. “Sit, Rachel.”
I walk around Rachel and wave my hand. “For the lady,” I say and she grins as she lowers herself. “Cassie and I will be serving you tonight.”
Cassie grabs the bowl with the rolls and places them on the table, and I fill three wine glasses. Two with white wine, and one with apple juice. Rachel is quiet as I fill our plates with food, and set them down.
“You okay?” I ask.
“I can’t believe you two sneaks did this.” Cassie laughs. “Is this why you’ve been going out twice a week?”
“Nope,” Cassie says. “Daddy, can we? Can we?” she says, her voice getting higher and higher.
“Yeah, sure, Cassie. You’ve waited long enough.”
Cassie squeals, darts into the other room and comes back with a poorly wrapped present for Rachel.
“Cassie, this is amazing. Did you wrap this?” she asks.
“Ah, no I did,” I say and Rachel laughs.
“Good job, Jaxon,” she teases, her voice light and playful like she’s talking to a puppy who’d just been house-broken.
“Open it!” Cassie squeals.
“Okay, okay.” She tears into the package, and my heart lodges in my throat when I see the wide-eyed, glassy way Rachel is staring at the gift.
“We made them,” Cassie says, but I’m guessing she doesn’t need to tell Rachel that, judging by the mismatched badly knitted pair of mittens in her hands.
“Ohmigod,” she says on a sob. “I…I…” she begins and swallows like she can’t get the words out. “This is what you guys have been doing?”
“Aunt Marissa taught us,
” Cassie says.
“What did you think we were doing?” I ask.
“Not this,” she says, and I laugh as she shoots my answer back at me. But there is something in her expression that alarms me. After all this time, does she not trust me? I have to be reading her wrong because the Rachel that has blossomed under my roof does trust me. Right?
“Seriously, Rachel, what did you think we were doing?”
She opens her mouth and closes it again. Her shoulders shrug. “Nothing, I guess.”
“We need to talk,” I say softly.
She nods. “You said that.”
“Try them on,” Cassie says.
Rachel sniffs, tugs on the mitts and holds her hands out. “They are perfect. They will keep me soooo warm. Thank you so much.” She hugs Cassie and this time I’m the one fighting to keep my shit together.
“Let’s eat,” I say and Cassie climbs into the chair. Rachel takes a sip of her wine, but her hands are a bit shaky. Not only that, as Cassie fills us in on her day, and how Jacob shared his candy bar with her, Rachel picks at her food. Yeah, we definitely have to talk and this meal can’t get over quick enough.
Cassie chats endlessly as we eat and once we’re done, I take in the sauce all over her face. “Someone needs a bath,” I say.
“I can do it,” Rachel says.
“Nah, you go relax. It’s your birthday celebration, and don’t even think about doing the dishes.”
She grimaces as she glances around the mess of the kitchen. “It looks like a hurricane tore through here.”
I move close to her, as Cassie darts down the hall. “Leave it, Rach. Grab a glass of wine and go relax. Once I get Cassie bath and settled in bed, we need to talk.”
“You said that already.”
“I know.”
I leave her in the kitchen and listen to her pour another glass of wine and make her way into the living room. The TV flicks on and I relax as I pour Cassie’s bath, giving her extra bubbles.
“I love bubbles, Daddy.”
“I know you do, kiddo.”
