by Rita Ames
I needed to see her, though, my hold on my emotions was wearing extremely thin. She was the only one who seemed to be able to ground me.
Taking a deep breath I got out of the car and headed across the road. It was now or never.
I paused outside her door, tentatively knocking.
The door swung open just as I was about to knock again.
“That was quick!” Susie said as she pulled open the door, smiling widely. I was pleasantly surprised, thinking she must have forgiven me and so I smiled back.
“Hi” I said.
Her face dropped and I knew at once she had been expecting someone else. It was probably that bastard Detective that was becoming an annoying fixture between me and my girl.
“Carl, what are you doing here?” she said looking past me as if expecting her other guest to be right behind me.
Before she could close the door I stepped inside.
“I need to talk with you Susie, about the other night” I tried to keep my calm. The last thing I wanted was to frighten her.
“It’s not a good time right now, Carl. I have a visitor coming over and I think you should leave” she said quietly, not meeting my eyes.
“It’s the Detective isn’t it?” I said searching her face for a reaction. Her eyes widened in surprise but enough to confirm my suspicions.
“It’s not really any of your business Carl” she said.
“I thought we were friends, Susie” I stepped towards her. She took a step back. That really pissed me off.
“Fucks sake Susie! I’m not going to hurt you!” I shouted at her. She took another step back. “I just want a chance to explain” I said softly.
She looked at me and I could still see the fear at the back of her eyes.
“Say what you need to say then” she said.
I walked into the lounge and sat on the couch. Susie sat in one of the chairs across from me.
I sighed “You were right about me needing to see someone. I came here to say how sorry I was that you got caught up in my shit and to say that I am going to seek therapy” I smiled at her, beseeching her with my eyes to understand.
She took a deep breath and looked down at her hands. I noticed they were shaking.
“I know you didn’t mean to hurt me, but you did” she said so quietly I almost didn’t hear her.
“Christ Susie” I rushed over to her and went down on my knees in front of her. She jumped but did not move. I grabbed her hands and lay my head in her lap “Please don’t give up on me” I begged “I need you. You’re the only real friend I have ever had” I looked up into her eyes and I saw tears.
“Please don’t cry” I said feeling emotion welling up as I tried to hold it together “Just say you will give me another chance” I asked.
“Another chance for what?” she asked me “I don’t feel that way about you Carl, so we can only ever be friends”.
“I know” I said “Just say that you forgive me and that we can move on from this” I was desperate for any sign that I might still have a chance, even if I had to play the friend again for a while. I knew that the Detective would fuck things up sooner or later and then I would be around to pick up the pieces.
“Okay” she said “As long as you seek therapy then we can still be friends” I hugged her tightly.
“Thank you, thank you” I was so relieved. Now all I had to do was to get my shit together so that I didn’t totally mess up my last chance at normal.
I wasn’t stupid, I knew that this would be the one and only chance I would get to have some kind of normal future. I ignored that other voice in my head that was always mocking me.
“I think it would be best if you went home now” Susie said. I stood up and took her hand.
“Thank you Angel” I kissed her on the cheek and went to the door. She followed and as I left I turned and waved, she waved back and my heart sang. I had my second chance.
Susie
Why oh why didn’t I check who was outside before throwing the door open. I scolded myself for being such an idiot. I was so love struck at the thought that Ben had arrived early that I had thrown caution to the wind.
When I saw Carl standing there, my heart almost stopped in fright. I checked behind him praying that Ben was coming down the hallway.
When Carl explained his reason for being there I couldn’t help but feel sorry for him. I could see that he was far from all right and that he was struggling to keep control of his emotions.
I could not be angry with him. I could only wonder at how awful it would be to not be able to remember any of your past. If what Ben said about Carl was true then the gentle man I had come to know over the past few months was going through hell.
I know that Ben said he was an evil monster. I, however, had seen another side to him, a gentle, caring soul who just wanted to be accepted and loved. Unfortunately, he had chosen me to focus all his love and hopes on and I didn’t feel the same way.
I felt guilty about that. If things had been different then Carl might have had the chance to make a new start as the man he was now. Instead he was having to deal with rejection from me, which was likely not helping him to deal with his nightmares, along with the possibility that the content of those dreams might actually be real.
I just couldn’t fathom how he was managing with that entire information overload.
I must have been sitting there mulling things over for longer that I realised when the doorbell rang.
I shook myself out of my funk and went to let Ben in. His smiling face was sight for sore eyes and the kiss I got definitely distracted me from my morbid train of thought.
“I brought Chinese food” he said strolling into the kitchen in search of plates. He took a pack of beers from the bag and put two in the fridge, pulling the tabs on the others. He handed me one and cocked an eyebrow at me.
I laughed and took a beer “Thanks” I tipped it back.
We took the food into the lounge and sat on the couch.
“Hey, you ok? You seem a little quiet tonight” he asked.
“Are you really sure that Carl might be the one you are looking for?” I asked him, hoping like hell he had evidence to the contrary.
“It’s beginning to look bad for him at the moment, why?” he asked.
“He just came round” I said taking another swig of beer.
“He what?” Ben looked really upset “What did he want? Did he hurt you?” he stood and started pacing about. “Maybe I should get someone to watch your place, just to be on the safe side” he said.
“Hey, calm down. He’s gone now and he didn’t hurt me” I reassured him “He came over to apologise for the other day” I said.
“I should fucking think so too” he shouted. I stood and took Bens hands “Please, sit down and eat. Nothing happened and I am fine” I said. I was secretly happy that he was so concerned about me.
Ben looked at me intensely. “Look baby, this guy could be really dangerous. You need to forget about the impression you have of him and start being really careful” he looked so worried.
“I don’t think he would hurt me” I said.
“Practically raping you isn’t hurting you?” he said gritting his teeth. I looked down in shame.
“I could have stopped him if I had been stronger” I said, knowing this to be true.
“I don’t care! He should never have touched you. It shows that he is unstable and not thinking rationally, and that scares the shit out of me”
I closed my eyes, trying not to cry “I know, and I promise not to be alone with him again until we know more facts” I said. Ben relaxed at that and we finished our meal in awkward silence.
I lay my head on his shoulder and stroked his arm, letting him know I was still his, if he wanted me.
He kissed me on the nose and I reached up to capture his lips with mine. That was all it took and we were suddenly lost in each other again.
I had to admit I was very much enjoying the discovery that I could be such
a sensual being with this man. He brought out something in me which made me want to explore my desires. We spent the rest of the evening making love on the couch and finally made it to the bedroom for another session before passing out, exhausted.
*******
My alarm clock fell to the floor in my sleepy effort to silence it. I had to be at work early, so it had gone off at 6am. I rolled over and collided with Ben’s chest. Smiling I started to kiss his chest all the way up to his neck. As I reached his chin I could feel him smiling and knew he was awake.
“Morning beautiful” he said rolling me over so that he was on top of me.
“Morning yourself” I giggled. He kissed me and I tried to move my head away realising that I probably had a horrid case of morning breath.
“I need to clean my teeth” I protested “I think a camel died in my mouth”
“I don’t care” he said continuing to smother me in kisses. “Even your morning breath is beautiful” he said.
“Yuck!” I laughed pushing him off me “I have to shower and get to work”
“Me too” he said following me into the shower. As I watched him shuck off his briefs I knew we were both going to be late in.
Carl
Why did I insist on torturing myself? I should have just gone straight home after I left Susie, but no, I just had to sit in the car and watch the bastard Detective arrive.
I waited all evening for him to leave but when I saw the lights go out in Susie’s apartment I almost lost it.
I sat there fuming. Finally, I could take it no longer. I had to know for sure what the deal was with the two of them.
I silently entered the building and using my spare key, I let myself in. The bedroom door was slightly ajar which made it easier to open it without making any noise.
There was very little light coming from the gaps in the curtains, but I could just make out their two bodies entwined in her bed. My heart was fucking breaking. She was mine, not his! My salvation was lying in the arms of another man. Tears fell down my face.
I bit down on my fist as I tried not to scream at them. I wanted to kill them both for making such a fool of me.
I stood watching them for some time, wondering what to do.
I decided now was not the time to act. I needed to think about this before I did anything. I would have to handle things the right way so that Susie would still be mine.
Quietly I left the room. As I went towards the front door I noticed a phone on the side table. I picked it up and realised it was his. I put it into my pocket and left the building.
I went home, knowing that sleep would now be impossible and sat at the table mulling over my options.
I had to get Susie away from him so that I could make her see sense. I also had to ensure that he would not be able to interfere.
I grabbed some paper and sketched out my ideas until I had come up with a plan. I knew deep down that I was not thinking rationally but I could see no other options. My patience, and I believed, my time for redemption was running out. If I didn’t take charge of things now, I had a feeling that things would get a lot worse.
*******
I drove back to Susie’s apartment and waited. At just after 8am I saw the Detective leave. The urge to follow him and smash his face in was strong but I resisted. He would get his later.
I waited a further ten minutes and sent Susie a text using the Detectives phone.
Susie: Last night was great. How about a drink after work? Meet me at Spangles Wine Bar 6pm?. I’ll be waiting. XOXO.
I hoped that they didn’t have some soppy nicknames or my idea might not work. I sat looking at the phone screen for what seemed like forever. Then it pinged with an answer.
Ben: I loved last night too. See you at the bar later. Glad you found your phone. Don’t work too hard. X
I almost crushed the phone in anger on reading her answer. I now had a few hours to get everything ready. I could not afford to make any silly mistakes this time. A lot was riding on the outcome of the next few hours.
Susie
I was relieved that Ben had found his phone. He had been sure he had put it on the hall table the night before. It must have been in his car all night. Men, I smiled.
I got into work a little late and apologised for my tardiness. Unusually my colleagues had noticed my absence and one or two made a comment about some handsome man keeping me awake all night. I smiled a secret smile at this, which unfortunately they picked up on.
Suddenly I was Miss Popular all of a sudden and everyone wanted to know all the details. I was taken aback by the attention. I did, however confirm that I was seeing someone who may, or may not have, been the reason for me being late. I also confirmed that I was going to meet him at the Wine bar after work.
This one small fact appeared to make all the difference to my previous invisibility. I was treated to knowing smiles and friendly banter all day. Frankly, it was a little exhausting, and I almost, but not quite, wished we could go back to how it was before. It made a pleasant change to have people interested in me and my life.
The day flew by and before long I was in the locker room changing for my date. I had brought a wrap around dress and boots with me to change into. It was one of the ones I had bought when visiting my Mum, one of the ‘Sexy’ outfits, as she put it. When I looked in the mirror I had to agree that it did look good, especially with the knee high boots.
I quickly added some lip gloss to finish off and headed out. I had driven my car to work and decided to leave it there in the staff car park. The Wine Bar was only a few minutes walk away. I reasoned that if I had a drink I would get a cab home with Ben and walk in to work the next day.
I was a few minutes early so I sat at the bar, waiving away the bar tender when he approached.
“Waiting for a friend” I said and he nodded turning to the next customer.
I looked around to check that I had not missed Ben sat at one of the tables. He was not there yet.
I suddenly felt a presence behind me.
“Hi Susie” Carl smiled at me. I tensed not knowing what to say. He took the seat next to me and I quickly looked towards the door hoping Ben would come in now.
“Hi Carl, what brings you here?” I said trying to sound casual.
“I was on my way to try and catch you as you left work, thinking it would be nice to go for a coffee like old times, when I spotted you heading in here” he said by way of explanation. I relaxed a little at that. We had indeed done that a good few times over the months.
“Actually, I am meeting a friend soon” I said.
“Oh, no probs” he said “Have one drink with me while you wait?”
I looked at him, unsure of what to say. He smiled, looking like the same friend I remembered, before things got all creepy.
“Look, I have to use the mens room. If, when I get back, you decide you don’t want a drink with me then I will leave, how does that sound?” he said.
“Okay” I said. He disappeared while I kept a vigil on the door. My phone pinged with a text and I saw it was from Ben.
Susie: Held up at work. Running 30mins late. X
Damn Ben, not now. I realised getting rid of Carl straight away might not be so easy. He came back and took his place next to me.
“So, one drink?” he asked.
“Sure, why not” I answered “I’ll have a dry white wine” I said.
He waved the bar tender over and ordered our drinks. Not wanting to have to talk for too long I made the excuse of needing the ladies room and disappeared for a while.
Once there, I texted Ben quickly.
Ben: Carl is here at the bar. Please try to be quick. X
I checked my make-up and went back to the bar.
Carl was frowning when I returned. He didn’t look happy about something. I smiled and sat down. He pushed my wine towards me.
“One white wine for the lady” he smiled, although the smile didn’t reach his eyes. For the first time since I had known him, I felt t
otally creeped out in his presence.
“Thanks” I said taking a huge gulp. I needed a little liquid courage to get me through the next half hour. I decided that when Ben arrived I would tell Carl that I didn’t want to see him again.
I made small talk with Carl who asked me about work, drinking my wine a little too quickly.
I felt a little woozy. I smiled at myself for being such a lightweight.
We continued to talk for a while and I kept watching the clock. Ben was now more than half hour late and I decided that I would text him to go to my apartment and I would meet him there instead. I wanted to get out of here.
I slid off the bar stool and my legs buckled. I felt dizzy and the room was spinning. Carl grabbed me under the arms.
“Woah there!” he laughed. “I think that wine went straight to your head” he said hauling me up against him so I could stand.
My legs just wouldn’t play ball and they gave way again. I tried to speak but my lips had also lost their ability to function. I thought it seemed odd that I should be quite so plastered after only one glass of wine. Something didn’t feel right. I tried to protest, but again my legs gave out.
“Come on” said Carl “I think I’d better get you home” he joked with the bar tender about me being a lightweight. He joined in with the joke while I tried to protest that I could not possibly be this drunk on one drink.
We staggered out of the door and once outside Carl swept my legs up and carried me down the street. I was dimly aware of being placed in his car, and at this point, must have passed out because that was the last thing I remembered.
Ben
“You look like you lost a pound and found a penny” Dave said as I walked into the office.
“Lost my fucking phone” I said, digging in my jacket pockets for the fiftieth time, as if it would magically appear this time.
I knew that I had it at Susie’s and was sure that it was on the hall table when we went to bed. This morning, however, it was nowhere in sight.
“Want me to run a trace on it?” Dave asked.
“You might have to” I responded, knowing I needed it sooner rather than later. “Otherwise I will have to use one of the pay as you go phones that the super keeps for the undercover team.” I certainly didn’t relish that.
