“You should consider joining an online dating service.”
Alice had to think about what he just said for a moment; she didn’t own a computer, and her television viewing was minimal, but she’d heard the women she worked with talk about it.
“Oh, I don’t know. It sounds scary,” she said.
“Scarier than picking a transsexual up at the side of the road?” John asked.
“Thanks, smart ass. If you’re going to mention that every time we talk, I’ll stop answering my phone.”
“Sorry, Mother, but think about it. I’ll do the screening for you. All you’ll have to do is show up, and Beth and I will be close by if you need to get away from him. It’ll be fun.”
“Why do I get the feeling that you having a summer off work will end up being a thorn in my side?” she said.
“Just think about it. That’s all I’m asking. I don’t want you to be alone anymore,” he said.
They chatted a few more moments and said good-bye. That her children were voicing concern over her welfare was nice. But she didn’t like the interference. As she placed the phone in the cradle, it rang yet again.
“Alice, it’s Dave,” the voice said.
Alice didn’t answer for a moment, glad it was him, but still in anger mode from being lied to.
“Hi,” she said. Let him do the talking.
“Sorry about everything,” he said.
“Are you?” she said, wondering if he was just sorry he got caught so soon.
As though reading her mind he answered, “I’m sorry I made you angry, but sorry you didn’t have more time to get to know me.”
“So you’re not sorry you lied,” she responded. “You’re sorry for my response, and you would have preferred to stretch out the lie a little longer. I don’t think you get it.” She heard him chuckle, which really lit a fuse. “Glad you think it’s funny, Dave. It really is not.”
“I know, trust me, I know. I lied, I get it. But I don’t know how else to do my life. Should I hang a sign around my neck? Attention! I don’t have a penis.”
“When we sat at my table that first day, after the trip here, and you were so kind to fix my air conditioner, now that would have been a perfect time. I was already having a fantasy about being with you. You could have said, ‘I’m a transsexual, but I’m not having surgery.’ I could have decided then if it made a difference. The conversation would have begun. Not to hear it from my son like that. My daughter-in-law already thinks I’m a dope.”
“So this is about your pride, then,” Dave said.
Alice was glad he wasn’t standing across from her because she would have thrown the phone at him. She almost banged it down. This guy was an asshole.
“No, not totally, but if you think that’s the issue, then we really have nothing else to say to each other. Now I’m pissed again, so let’s hang up before something is said that will be regretful. Although you’ve already crossed that line.”
“I’m sorry,” he said.
She just looked at the receiver and said, “No, you’re not,” and hung up the phone. Alice’s MO.
It started ringing right away, Dave calling back, thinking they’d been disconnected. But when she didn’t answer, he figured it out. He went down to the shop from his apartment and walked around, turning lights on. He’d find solace in his shop today, after telling his parents to have a well-deserved day off. He could’ve used their help getting caught up, but he didn’t want their questions either, sure they’d ask about Alice. He was so angry for having repeated the same mistake with her he’d made with his last attempt at a relationship. That girl wasn’t kind, either.
“Why don’t you go to a gay club? You aren’t going to meet anyone who will want to be with you if you deceive them. At least if you’re in a place that is openly acceptant of the lifestyle you’ll have a better chance,” she’d said.
“But I’m not gay,” he’d said. “I don’t want to be with a man.”
She’d rolled her eyeballs. “Get some help, Dave,” she’d admonished. “If you have female genitals and you want to be with a woman, you’re a lesbian. I don’t care what department you buy your clothes in and what your first name is. Besides, why are you so attached to your vagina?”
“I’m afraid of the surgery,” he’d said honestly. “And I was sort of hoping to have a kid someday.”
She had shaken her head in disbelief. This was so far out of her league.
The old conversation flowed through his head now. The kid issue was a big one. He did want his own children. And it was getting closer and closer to the time that he didn’t think he’d be able to pull it off if he didn’t act quickly, his biological clock ticking loudly. Problematically, he wanted to do it with his life partner, not just get pregnant and raise a family alone.
He sat down at the counter overlooking his store. Why didn’t he just come out and tell Alice all of this? She was the perfect match for him. He watched her in action with her kids, and even though she said she’d failed as a parent, he knew that what they were going through was what everyone suffered. Substance abuse and marital discord, in-law trouble and mental illness. It was life. He reached for his phone again, and this time Alice’s phone rang, and the answering machine picked up. The machine was her only surrender to technology.
“Alice, it’s me again. I’ve thought about our situation, and I remembered something that I think will explain my position. It doesn’t excuse lying to you, which I am truly sorry for. If I had been thinking correctly, I would have done as you said and brought it up sooner.”
“Dave, it’s me,” Alice said, picking up the phone. “Okay, what is it that will shed some light? I really want to understand.”
There was a silence that only lasted for a moment, but was uncomfortable for both of them. He decided repeat what he’d said to his former girlfriend.
“I’m afraid of the surgery, and I want to have kids,” he said. “I know it seems like a contradiction. But if I was a man, I could father children. I won’t be able to, ever. So the only way I can do it is by giving birth.”
Hearing the truth made it better for Alice. She understood wanting to have your own children, as crazy as her family was turning out. She understood being afraid of surgery. Pulling out a kitchen chair, she pulled the cord of her old-fashioned phone to its full length and sat down to talk.
“I understand you now,” she said, exhaling loudly. “Why does everything have to be so complicated?”
“I don’t know,” Dave said. “But I know I love you, Alice.”
“What does that mean?” she asked. “How do you love me? What do you hope to achieve by being in a relationship with me?”
He didn’t answer right away, knowing that a real man would include a statement about sex in a declaration of love. At least a statement of desire. He wanted Alice, but it was in a way that didn’t include intercourse. He was afraid to say it out loud.
“It means I want to spend my life with you. I think once I figure out this thing about kids, if you’ll still be interested in me if I do it, then I will take hormones. Then I’ll do the surgery. I want to have a normal relationship with you.”
“I know it seems like I’m talking in circles, Dave, but once again, what does that mean?” She thought maybe he didn’t have the words because he’d never been in a “normal” relationship. “Do you want me to tell you what I hoped it would mean before I knew the truth?”
“Yes! I want to know what you feel,” he said.
“Well, I hoped to have something at least approaching what I had with my husband, Doug. We were in love. And it included sex. We had sex as often as we could. Even when he was sick, we found ways to be together. It was intimacy. Everything else was blocked out when we were together.” She fought tears, but wanted to dig deeply into what it was that she remembered about being in love. “What it accomplished was almost spiritual. I don’t expect us to have it totally, but it is a nice goal.”
“That sounds beautiful, Alice
. I want that, too. I want you to feel safe with me. Protected. I’ll take care of your physical needs, and someday, I hope to have a few myself. Is that enough for you?”
“How were you planning on having this baby? You need sperm, you know,” Alice said; it sounded more sarcastic than she meant.
“Yes, I realize that,” he said. “I was going to find a sperm donor. Artificial insemination. It’s how it’s done,” he explained.
Alice stood up and started pacing. He wanted to have a baby. She understood the impulse. She and Doug longed to have a big family. When she got pregnant with Faye, he was beside himself, calling all their friends, his family, and especially his parents. She could tell by the conversation that they were nonplused. They were so certain Doug would discover that she was not what he thought and leave her, and here they were screwing each other and getting pregnant. It upset the moral structure they’d built their life around. How did two different species even procreate?
When she delivered Faye, Hilda came around to the hospital. Back in those days there was still maternity service near by. Laboring mothers didn’t have to drive thirty minutes or more like they do today. She went to the nursery first and looked at Faye, and then came to Alice’s room, standing in the door but not walking through.
“Congratulations,” she said. “Nice job.”
“Thank you, Mrs. Bradshaw,” Alice replied. She was exhausted; labor having taken so long, she was still shaky on her feet. She struggled to keep her eyes open, and finally Hilda left her.
Later, they didn’t come around to the house, but Vicky and their sister Ann, the one who didn’t speak to them anymore, and their mother, Marlene, came every day. When the baby was a few weeks old, Doug asked if he could take her to the mansion, and Alice didn’t mind, not realizing the influence they’d have over the infant. After that first visit, it became a struggle for control of Faye between Hilda and Alice. Doug tried to stay neutral, and Alice didn’t force him to take a side. But now, hindsight being what it was, she knew it had been detrimental, the life force they had over Faye. It made her feel invincible having all the adults in the family circling her like vultures, cheering her on.
Could Alice do it again; help Dave in his quest for a family? Did she even want to? It would be a second chance at motherhood, or an opportunity to screw up another human being.
“Can I see you today?” Dave asked, shaking her from her reverie into the past.
“Yes,” Alice said, deciding to follow her heart. There may be a way they could work things out, a way she could come to terms with his body. She thought of the way he looked, what his smile did to her heart. Lies aside, she might be able to get over it with time.
“Can you stay the night? Lynn is having surgery tomorrow. I’d like to be there with her if I could,” she asked. She wasn’t afraid to take advantage of his presence. He wanted companionship; she’d make sure he got it.
Chapter 28
Beth was fixing a late breakfast for her family, worried sick because John hadn’t gone into work, that he was locked in his office talking on the phone and occasionally shouting. The children weren’t up yet, not unusual since the older ones stayed up all night playing video games and visiting with their friends online or those who snuck over to spend the night. Even their youngest, Doug, who was going to be eleven in August, was still sleeping, the excitement and fright of the funeral keeping him from sleep like his older siblings. She put a pan of sweet rolls into the oven to rise and crept to John’s office door. There was silence, so she tapped.
“Come in,” he said.
“What’s up?” she asked. “I didn’t know you were taking the day off.” She sat in a chair at the end of his desk, like she was at the doctor’s office waiting while he wrote a prescription.
“Close the door,” he said.
She leaned over and grabbed the door with her outstretched arm and swung it shut.
“What’s going on, John? Why aren’t you at work?”
“I’ll tell you the whole story, but let me get it out before you start bitching at me, okay?” he asked.
“Yes, but hurry up. Now I’m worried,” she said.
“I quit,” he said. He told her about Karen’s lies and the way they treated him, believing her and dismissing him, then the recorded conversation in which she admitted she lied. “I had enough. Either I allow them to treat me with disrespect, or I leave and respect myself.”
Beth frowned, thinking about what it all meant. “Did you rape her?” she asked, knowing he didn’t, but needing to hear it.
“No! For God’s sake, Beth,” he said.
“Hey, what do I know?” she said. “Why would she say it?”
“She was pissed that I wasn’t going to see her again,” John said, lying. “And Fred took her side. He really left me no choice but to leave.”
“That’s all well and good,” she said. “But what about money? We have a kid in college in two months and three more to educate.”
He wanted to say, “It’s so like you, Beth, to worry about money instead of me,” but he didn’t say it. He didn’t want the day to turn into fighting about money. It was so not what this was about. Not even close. And she hadn’t gotten angry about Karen yet. That was worrisome. She stood up to go back to her sweet rolls.
“Breakfast is almost ready. I guess congratulations are in order?” she asked, a hint of sarcasm in her voice. He made this huge decision that would affect them all, yet never conferred with her. Did he even think of her when he was doing it? “I have to ask, against my better judgment. Did you think what this might mean to me?”
He looked up at her from his computer screen, not focusing on her right away.
“What? Would what mean to you?” he asked, knowing exactly what she meant but refusing to say it. He willed her to say it. That she’d get a full-time job.
“When you were quitting your job, John. I’m assuming the event took place Friday. You thought about it all weekend. What did you think I might do about it? Or did you think of me at all?” She was staring at him, but not unfriendly, not accusing. Just inquiring. It allowed him to put his guard down, wrongly.
“I did think of you. I thought that you’re a nurse, too. Get more hours at work and help out. I intend on getting another job eventually. I’ve got the summer off with pay. It’s perfect timing, really. You could pick up more hours while I’m here with the kids. You had your time off. Now it’s my turn.”
She thought of the summers past, one summer in particular in which he worked eighty to a hundred hours a week and she was home with three-year-old Jason, one-year-old Brian and newborn Amy. If it hadn’t been for Alice’s help that year, she would’ve killed herself. The memory provoked a loud laugh from her.
“Think again, my friend. I’m not adding one hour onto my schedule. The only reason I have my job at all is to keep my license up to date. After what I’ve been through raising four healthy, happy kids alone, you’re going to have to think up a better excuse than it’s my turn. It’s too fucking late for it’s my turn. It was your turn ten, fifteen years ago. You made your choices, John. You chose to shit where you ate. Not me. I didn’t screw a fucking colleague who is ten years younger than I am. Think again,” she repeated, glaring at him and opening the door to leave. “Actually, I have an idea, John. That plan you had last week to move out? Go for it. Move out. I’d beg for my job back because my lawyer tells me you are going to pay big time.”
She left with as much dignity as she could muster, and headed back to the kitchen to start baking her rolls. The smell of frying bacon was drifting up to the bedrooms on the second floor; she could hear stirring as her beloved children began to get up and prepare for the day. She’d ask them if they wanted to go to the shore. Her family had a house on Long Beach Island, a six-bedroom monstrosity that overlooked the bay at Harvey Cedars. She called her mother and was told to help herself; the place was empty and was available for a favorite daughter and grandchildren to enjoy.
~ ~ ~
On Monday, Lynn went through her regimented day, the one prescribed by the shelter with the public services offered her. She was into her second week at the shelter. She’d have two weeks after her surgery to recover. The manager told her she wouldn’t be able to have any pain medication with her, but that she’d be welcome to rest during the day. Usually, sleeping was frowned upon, the cots stripped bare by eight in the morning. She’d written herself a reminder on her forearm: nothing to eat or drink after midnight. She rarely ate more than once a day, so it wouldn’t be difficult to refrain, as long as she stayed in this frame of mind. The reality was that having to write the reminder at all was the beginning of a downward slide. Once it started, the decline was rapid.
The hair stylist brought his tray of breakfast over to Lynn’s table. “Can I join you?” he asked.
She looked up at him, confused. Why was he asking? She shrugged her shoulders. “I don’t care,” she said.
He looked familiar, but she couldn’t place him, memory loss from schizophrenia made worse by the stress she’d been under over the weekend. He examined her face carefully, sad that his companion had left and a stranger he’d hoped was gone for a while returned in her place. He’d do his best to protect her, but it was often a lost cause.
Lynn wouldn’t do anything she didn’t want to do, and that included being at the hospital first thing Tuesday morning. Alice and Dave arrived in the surgical waiting room at eleven, followed by a harried-looking John. They approached the registration desk and learned that Lynn Bradshaw was a no-show.
~ ~ ~
Lynn’s family went to the hospital coffee shop. They sat together, remorseful that one of them hadn’t had the foresight to pick her up at the shelter.
“She’s an adult woman,” John said. “We talked about this for the past week. She’s sick, or she’d have shown up. The reason she’s living on the street is because she’s sick. It’s out of our hands.” He was curious why Dave was along, but wasn’t going to press his mother. He’d done enough damage in his own house to start questioning Alice. His mother was clearly worried enough about Lynn. Then he remembered she was without a car.
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