by T. L. Walker
"No...someone needs to keep an eye on things here, and you’re the only one I trust to pay enough attention to what they’re doing."
"I’m not going to spy on them," he warned.
"I didn’t say that! Jesus, I’m not stupid. I meant it when I said most of us shouldn’t know their little hiding places. Just keep them from doing anything stupid, please?"
"I’ll do my best."
"Your ‘best’ should work just fine. You damn well know how to lecture."
"Yeah yeah, love you too."
I smiled automatically, and then stepped forward to kiss him on the cheek."You’re hilarious."
The corner of Luke’s mouth quirked up, but he stepped back and waved me away."Get back here soon, okay?"
"Of course." I reached out and squeezed his hand before stepping out of the room. Halfway down the hall, I realized that I probably should have told him that I loved him, too. I turned back, prepared to sneak up on him, but when I peeked into Richard’s office Luke was far too engrossed in his hand to notice me. He was rubbing the bandage, his jaw clenched.
I spun away, pressing up against the wall outside the room. You’re overreacting. He’s fine. It’s just tender from the treatment.
After several deep breaths, I’d half convinced myself that was actually the case...and besides, I needed to check out my car sooner rather than later.
But I would also make it a priority to ask Richard to tend to Luke’s hand. We need him right now, I told myself, but what I really meant was, I needed him right now.
And I knew that the needing had to end.
I took another deep breath, set my shoulders, and forced myself to leave Luke – and my concerns about him – behind.
Sometimes you have to pick the lesser of two evils.
*******
Despite my original promise to Luke, I took my time rifling through my Volkswagen, opening every obvious compartment, poking through what was left in the car slowly and methodically, all the while hoping that Jia or her people were watching.
In the end it was still mostly for show, as the coins, cell phone charger, and paperwork that I turned up were all useless. I did find a half-empty bag of old Easter candy, a pack of Camel Crushes with two cigarettes remaining, several lighters (though only one of them worked), a roll of paper towels, a used but intact gift bag, and a horrible seminar-on-CD – “Self Discipline and Emotional Control” – that my boss had loaned me God knows how long ago. I remembered trying to listen to the CDs, remembered how terrible they were, and my first thought was to break the damn things...but then I realized that they were the only ones I had other than the old mix in the truck.
I left them in the car. Just in case. But as I turned to head back to the offices, I made it a point to start eating the candy. I knew that if anyone was watching they would probably take note of this, and if I admitted to doing it there was always the chance that they would be more likely to believe me about other things.
They’re teenagers. How much damage can they really do?
Besides, even though the candy had melted and re-formed and was clearly stale, I loved every bite. I saved some for the others, too – one last thing to enjoy before tomorrow’s shit show.
How did I know it would be a shit show? I just did. It was the way Mike talked about Jia. The fact that we were relying on Richard, who was fairly passive, and Ethan, whose only thought was protecting the zoo as a whole. There was Virginia, of course, but I couldn’t get a good read on her. And Lauren and Daniel needed to protect their daughter.
And Luke...We didn’t always see eye to eye, but I knew that I could rely on him.
The problem was that there was still a large part of me that simply didn’t want to rely on him. But you don’t have to.
Perhaps knowing that should have made a difference. It didn’t.
The rest of the day passed in some sort of haze. We collected what we could, hid a good portion of it, left a selection for Jia and her people to pick through. The whole thing left a bad taste in my mouth, and it didn’t help that I couldn’t even look Luke in the eye.
When the sun was so low in the sky that we could no longer see it from inside the zoo, we gathered in Richard’s office again."That’s enough for today,"Luke insisted."If there’s anything left laying around...I guess we’ll just have to assume it’s a loss."
"Or hope that these kids aren’t smart enough to see the use in some of it," I said, knowing that I sounded a lot more hopeful than I felt.
"Positive thinking," Richard replied dryly.
"It’s my forte." The words were out of my mouth almost before I realized what I was saying; certainly before I remembered that Joey wasn’t there to call out my obvious sarcasm.
No one spoke for a long moment."What about guards for tonight?" Daniel finally asked.
"I think it’s best if we just keep someone at the door to this building for now, and then send a couple people to the front gate at first light,"Luke suggested."We...we should stay together as much as possible." I could feel him watching me, but I forced myself to focus on poking through the supplies we’d stacked around the office.
"Are we sure we want to allow them in here? " was my only response.
"Yes. I think that will lend even more weight to the idea that we aren’t hiding anything."
"I was just thinking...it’s so...enclosed."
"And they’re just kids, remember?"
Despite my own use of forced sarcasm, I couldn’t stand it coming from Luke."You know what I meant when I said that."
Luke shrugged."Just trying to lighten the mood." I wanted to believe him, but then he winced and rubbed at his bandaged hand.
"Are you okay?" I asked, realizing too late that my tone was harsh, almost argumentative.
"Yeah. Hurts a bit, but we need to save what little medication we have."
I nodded. It was all I could bring myself to do; I knew that he wasn’t telling the truth – or at least not the entire truth.
Or maybe you’re just being paranoid.
That voice inside my head was getting to be a bit much; this time I brushed the thought aside like it was nothing more than a fly buzzing by my ear."Get some rest tonight. I’ll keep watch with Holden."
"Sleep isn’t going to help, and it’s your plan, so it’s you we all need tomorrow. I’ll guard the door."
Looking at Luke just then, I knew that this was an argument I wasn’t going to win."Okay. But at least keep Holden with you. I know he’s a bit of a baby at times, but he’ll hear things well before you do."
Luke shrugged."Can’t say I’d mind the company."
"I mean, we can always keep watch together. Or someone else can sit out there with you."
"Charlie, I’ll be fine. I just meant, you’re right. Holden would notice something’s up well before I could. And if I need to I can send him back inside, give you guys a warning without abandoning my post."
I almost cringed. I hadn’t thought about it that way; leave it to Luke to one-up me, whether he meant to or not."Let’s see how everyone else is doing."
Within an hour we’d done all we could. The pile of goods left in Richard’s office – the things we’d be trading, as it were – was pathetic, but something told me we still hadn’t held enough back. Not if we wanted to survive.
"Let’s hope they actually mean to do an exchange of goods," I said. I meant to sound encouraging; the others’ faces told me I didn’t.
"I’m sure they do," Luke insisted.
"Right. I’m sure they do,"I repeated.
We all went our separate ways, then – Richard, Virginia, and Ethan settled down in the office, while I joined Mike, Daniel, Lauren, and Mabel in the room where Luke had been kept. There were plenty of blankets, it was dark, it was quiet...but it was clear none of us was going to sleep that night. I tossed and turned, maybe dozed here and there, but finally I gave up, wrapped myself up in one of my blankets, and ducked out of the room.
The hall was so dark that I couldn�
�t do anything but shuffle along. When I got to the door I peered out through the reinforced glass, but the night was inky black – a new moon.
Who knows what this darkness is hiding?
I figured that thought made it official – I was beyond paranoid.
I pushed the door open.
The sky was still black, but I could feel in my bones that before long the horizon would be gray. I looked to the right and saw that Holden was sitting up and staring at me almost expectantly, but Luke had fallen asleep. This was so unlike him – to slack off on his watch – that I could only stare at him for a moment. Finally I opened the door wider and beckoned to my dog."Inside, Holdy," I whispered; he immediately obeyed. I pushed the door shut behind him, and when I heard it click into place I turned to face Luke again.
Somehow that small noise was what caused him to sit up and rub his eyes."Charlie?"he mumbled, squinting at me."Is everything okay?"
"Yeah. I...couldn’t sleep. Are you okay out here?"
"Of course. I guess I just...drifted off..."Luke sat up suddenly, half panicked as he peered around."Where’s Holden?"
I moved toward him and brushed my fingertips along the length of his arm."I let him inside. I think that’s what woke you up."
He looked up at me, blinking."Right. Sorry."
"Don’t be."I smiled, letting the blanket fall to the ground as I deftly slid my yoga pants and underwear off with a quick pull-and-kick. I straddled Luke’s lap, bracing my legs around either side of his waist and reaching up to massage his temples. He closed his eyes again, but only for a second."You should be resting," he insisted.
"I’d rather be here with you," I said, running my hands through his hair and down the back of his neck, pulling us closer together until our lips met. I’d worried that he would be hesitant, but in fact it was the exact opposite. He wrapped his arms around me, hitching me forward until our bodies were pressed against each other, and I rocked in his lap to the rhythm of our kiss.
Eventually Luke pulled back."Aren’t you cold?"
My only response was to wiggle my arms loose and pull my shirt off."I think I’ll be okay."
He bent his head and brushed his lips across the tops of my breasts as his hands deftly unclipped my bra clasp and slipped the straps down my arms. My nipples went hard in the chilly night air, but then Luke cupped one breast in his hand and his mouth covered the other and I found myself arching my back and squeezing my legs tighter around him.
"It’s been too long," Luke murmured against my chest. I reached around and grabbed hold of his hair, pulling it just enough to make him look up at me.
"Let’s remedy that," I breathed before once again covering his mouth with mine. The sex was brief but amazing; I had to bite down on Luke’s shoulder to keep from crying out, and I could hear him mumbling beneath me, though I couldn’t make out what he said. We came together, shuddering and grasping at each other and doing our best to not make too much noise. A thought came to me then, that it had been years since I’d done it like this, so out in the open, having to silence...well, everything.
I’d forgotten how amazing it was, the thrill of the possibility of getting caught, the need to keep quiet.
I clutched at Luke, knowing that I needed to move but not willing to let go just yet. The zeds, those damn kids from the high school...Luke’s hand. So many threats right in front of me, but for once I was going to allow myself a moment where I wasn’t thinking about how it may be the last one of its kind.
Finally I stood, gathering up my clothes and shivering as I put them back on, relishing the wetness between my legs. For someone who had never wanted children, it somehow still made me feel sexy to feel the remnants of our coupling dampening my thighs.
"Shouldn’t you go...change?" Luke murmured, as if reading my thoughts.
I waved him off."I’ll be okay. I think I’ll just stay out here with you for the rest of the night."
He moved as if to relinquish his seat, but I shook my head."Oh no, your watch, your chair."I gathered up my blanket and settled down on the ground beside him, resting my head against his leg."I didn’t say I was going to stay awake."
"Didn’t say it, but I know you will."
He was right, of course, but I just laughed and wrapped the blanket tighter around myself. It wasn’t long before Luke was snoring softly, and soon I was having trouble staying awake as well – until I heard a hitch in his breath. I slowly lifted my head, listening carefully. It seemed like I waited forever, but no – there it was again.
Moving as quietly as I could, I stood up and shifted my position to one that allowed a better look at his bandaged hand, and at first glance it seemed just fine.
But then he wheezed a bit, and his hand fell to the side, wrist up, the moonlight making his skin appear milky white...and highlighting the dark veins that were lacing up the inside of his arm. Too dark.
Black. Black veins fading to gray and then finally the blue-ish color that mine were. The color his were when his arms were propped on either side of me that time at the farm...
I balled my hand into a fist and bit down hard, willing myself to not cry. I backed away, half-tripping over the blanket as I did so, catching myself in time to watch Luke take a long, shallow breath and cross his arms around his midsection.
When he didn’t wake up, I moved toward the door, but paused for a moment before opening it.
If I ran and fetched Richard, what would happen? The only thing I could imagine was amputation; definitely at the elbow, but to be safe... Except then Luke would be out of commission for whatever took place when Jia returned – and there were only a few hours left until that happened. Would that amount of time mean life or death for Luke?
What would he want?
But in that moment, I convinced myself that it didn’t matter. I knew what Luke would say – that we needed to take care of this outside threat, and then deal with his arm.
Which meant that I had to get Richard involved, because every part of me was screaming that this couldn’t wait. I let myself back into the building, my heart leaping into my throat when I heard a scrambling noise coming from just inside the door. I only released the breath I was holding when I felt Holden winding himself around my legs. I bent to scratch his ears."Hey, boy. Go sit with Luke, okay?"
Holden hesitated for a moment, but when I straightened he finally slid out the door. I pushed it shut, settling it into position so that the only sound was that of the latch bolt clicking into place, and made my way up the hall to Richard’s office.
The lights were still off, but I was surprised to find that the door was ajar. Just barely, but the thought that he hadn’t even shut it, let alone locked it, made me wonder how much I had been underestimating his trust in us. Either that, or he was stupid – though it was clear that wasn’t quite the case when the creak of the door opening caused an immediate stir in the back of the room.
"Richard, it’s Charlie," I whispered. He gave a grunt of acknowledgement, and after a bit more shuffling and scraping his battery-powered LED desk lamp clicked on. I blinked in the sudden light, so much more centered and filtered than outside.
"What’s wrong?"
I knew that the panic in his voice was probably because he thought that something was happening with the Jia situation."We’re still on track for tomorrow," I heard myself reassuring him, an automatic reply, me putting off the situation at hand.
I choked back a laugh. The situation at hand.
Was I finally losing it? Wait. How many times have I asked myself that, recently?
Richard stepped around his desk, walking toward me with one arm outstretched."Charlie?" he said, his tone half concerned, half frustrated.
"Sorry, yeah, I wouldn’t have woken you up, but..."I stopped, drew in a breath, but when I opened my mouth to speak, nothing came out. I cleared my throat and steeled myself."It’s Luke. His arm."
The vet’s arm fell to his side and he closed his eyes for a long moment."He didn’t seem right. The more time
that passed, he didn’t seem right."
"He’s not. His breathing is...well, it’s wrong." It isn’t the same. "And his veins...it’s like the infection is just moving up his arm. Fast." Too fast.
"Where is he now?"Richard was already rolling up his sleeves and heading for the door. I hung back, and he turned to me."Charlie, we may have to act immediately. Where is he?"
"Outside. Sleeping. Holden’s with him, I –"
But before I could finish explaining myself, before I could tell Richard that I knew Luke wouldn’t agree to let us help him right now, the vet made a disgusted noise in the back of his throat and spun away from me, through the door, racing down the hall toward the tiny patch of light at the entrance.
For someone who reveled in the rush of adrenaline that I got when killing zeds, I couldn’t bring myself to follow. Instead I made my way to the clean room where Richard had first treated Luke, turning on more of the battery-powered lights and washing my hands in the bucket of cool water we kept there for that very purpose. These were tiny acts of hope, ones that I was fairly certain wouldn’t make a difference. If I knew anything about Luke, it was that he was stubborn. At least as much as I was, and if I’d been in his shoes, I wouldn’t let anyone take off my arm. Or even half of it.
Holden entered the room first, skittering to a stop behind me and taking a stance that was fearful yet protective. Luke stormed in a moment later, Richard hot on his heels, shutting the door behind them just as Luke came to a halt, bending his face toward mine as he poked me emphatically in the shoulder, hissing,"What the hell, Charlie?"
I jerked back, out of his reach."You need help, Luke. You’ve been getting worse all day, and your arm, look at it!"
"Help? Who are you to say when I need help?"he growled, turning away from me to face Richard."You think you can fix this?" He stuck out his arm, and in the glaring light I saw how much worse it truly was. The infection hadn’t progressed in the minutes since I’d last seen it, at least not that I could tell, but the concentrated LED lighting showed what natural moonlight couldn’t – the faint mottling of his skin, the little branches of bigger veins, how black they were where they first appeared, creeping out from under the bandage that ended just past his wrist.
