No, I feel stupid.
Before I came to Palm South, I rarely ever drank. I’d had a few wine coolers, stolen from my mom’s stash, but other than that, I’d never indulged. And while I love having a great time with my sisters, I’ve never used alcohol before as a way to avoid, as an attempt to feel better.
I found out quickly it doesn’t work.
If anything, the more I drink, the worse I feel. The game I’m playing with Kade to make Adam jealous only adds to how shitty I feel, and I just want it all over with.
I just want to talk to Adam.
Sighing, I push past the sickening drop of my stomach as I finish off my drink and stand, searching the piano bar for the one guy I’ve been avoiding.
“You okay?” Ashlei asks, eying my empty glass. “Need another drink?”
My stomach rolls at the thought of it. “I think I just need some fresh air. I’ll be back.”
She frowns, but nods. “Okay, babe. Let me know if you need anything.”
I somehow manage a smile, and then I’m shoving through the crowd of fraternity brothers and sorority sisters, making my way toward the deck. Adam comes into view once I cross the room, and at the sight of me, his face falls, brows bending together. He pushes off where he was leaning on the wall, meeting me in the middle of the room with his hands in his pockets.
The red polo he’s wearing blazes against his tan biceps, and I watch the muscles flex and move as he makes his way toward me. His hair is mussed, as if he didn’t even shower after spending a day on the island. He looks like he just threw on new clothes and embraced the salty waves, and somehow, he looks even sexier than if he were all dressed up, hair gelled back and bow tie in place. And I can’t stop staring at his arms, wishing I was in them, wishing they were my place to call home.
“Hey,” he says over the sound of a new song starting when he reaches me. The entire room erupts into cheers before I can answer, a drunken choir pouring out the first verse of “Tiny Dancer.”
“Hi.”
I cross one arm over my middle, holding onto my opposite elbow and staring down at my open-toed heels. I paired them with a pair of white, high-waisted shorts and an Easter yellow crop top. I wanted to stand out, to make him notice me.
Now I just want to hide.
I should say something, I realize as we stand there — starting with an apology. But all I can do is stand there, staring at my feet, and even that is a task. If I wasn’t using every ounce of strength I have left, I’d be on my knees, or curled into the fetal position, begging him to leave me alone.
Begging him to never leave.
Adam doesn’t say a word, just gently grabs my hand and guides me through the crowd, the same direction I was heading before I saw him. In a matter of moments, we’re out of the bar and on the outside deck, the rambunctious sound of music and singing replaced with the soft crash of the waves against the ship.
My hands wrap around the railing, the cool metal soothing as much as it is shocking. And I can’t look at him, can’t bear to have him look at me — not after how I’ve acted.
“You okay?” he asks after a moment, sliding up to rest his elbows on the railing next to me.
I pinch my eyes shut, willing myself not to cry. “I think we both know the answer to that.”
“Cassie…”
His hand moves for mine, but I rip it away as soon as our fingers brush.
“No,” I say, voice firm. I lift my eyes to his, swallowing down my nerves. “No, I get to talk this time.”
Adam doesn’t argue, his face ridden with a mixture of apology and shame before I even start talking.
“I can’t do this anymore, Adam. I can’t.”
My voice breaks, tears filling my eyes, though I don’t blink to let them fall. Instead, I hold my shoulders back, standing straighter.
“I know you want me to focus on me, but I have. I’ve had months to myself, and I appreciate that you pushed me to do that, that you encouraged me to find myself again, to be happy alone — without a boyfriend.” I sniff. “But I love you,” I whisper, and that breaks me, two tears spilling down my hot cheeks as Adam’s shoulders crumple. “And I don’t want to be without you anymore.”
Adam steps forward, his arms reaching out for me and pulling me into his chest. He wraps me in the tightest hug, one that tells me more than words that he doesn’t want to be without me, either. And even though I’m still hurting, comfort sneaks in, warming me from the inside out.
“I don’t want to play the games,” I say through my tears. “I don’t want to wonder what you’re texting Skyler, or why you can touch me but not be with me. I don’t want to do anymore yoga or meditation or post anymore stupid Facebook statuses about having my ‘me time’.”
Adam chuckles, and I can’t help the smile that cracks through my tears.
“I don’t want to flirt with other guys to make you mad.”
He sighs, stroking my hair with one hand before planting a kiss to my forehead. “That worked very well, by the way.”
“I’m sorry,” I whisper, pulling back just enough to look up into his eyes. “I did that to hurt you, even when I know you would never do anything to hurt me. I wanted a reaction. I wanted you to care.”
“I’ve always cared.”
I watch him for a moment before softly shrugging. “I couldn’t tell.”
Adam sighs again, framing my face with his hands as his thumbs wipe away the tears from my cheeks.
“I’m so, so sorry, Cassie. For everything. I thought I knew what was best for you, thought I was doing the right thing by having you take some time for yourself. But all I did was hurt us both.”
I swallow, leaning into his touch.
“I meant everything I said about you spending time on you, and I’m glad you have. But, I was wrong for chasing Skyler out of the dance, for putting her above you even though that was not my intention. I care about her, Cassie,” he says, and the words are like ice picks through my heart. “I do. But as a friend only. I won’t lie, her profession of love for me threw me. For a moment, I wondered if I’d read our entire relationship wrong. But, there’s something going on between her and Kip, and I know I was just part of her game.” He smirks. “Your Big is really good at playing those, too.”
I scoff. “Don’t I know it.”
“But, I focused on making sure she was okay,” he confesses. “When I should have been focusing on you. And I can’t take that back, but I can apologize. I am truly sorry, and I don’t ever want you to feel like you’re anything but the most important girl in my life.” His thumb swipes away a fresh tear, one corner of his mouth quirking into a soft smile. “Because you are, Cassie. You are everything to me.”
“Then let me in,” I whisper. “Please, Adam. Let me in. Be with me.”
“Would you stop?” he says, laughing and wiping away more tears. “I’m trying to do the apologize and grovel thing and you’re just being so damn adorable I can’t focus.”
I smile, but can’t help crying even more as he pulls me into him. He hugs me tight, kissing my hair.
“I’m yours, Cassie McBee,” he whispers. “I always have been. I always will be.”
He lifts my chin with his knuckle, and when his lips touch mine, every game, every fight, every ounce of hurt that’s ever existed between us melts into a puddle at our feet. I press onto my toes, strengthening our kiss, my arms wrapping around his shoulders and pulling him closer.
“I love you,” he says softly, the words hot on my mouth. “I know I haven’t shown you that, not in the right way, but I promise that from this moment on, I will do everything I can to prove it to you.”
“You better.”
We both laugh at that, and then he kisses me again, and for the first time since the semester started, I finally feel whole again.
I finally feel okay.
FOR THE FIRST TIME, I hate that my plan is falling into place.
Ever since Kip broke up with me, I have been scheming to get him back. I
knew I would, it was just a matter of time.
And the first step in my plan? Prove myself right about Skyler.
I had to know she had betrayed me, that she was the reason he broke up with me. I knew it in my gut the moment he said we were done, but I had to play my cards right. I opened up to Skyler, told her I understood and I was sorry I ever put her through my stupid plan. And tonight, getting ready for our second night out on Spring Break, I mentioned being ready to move on — to bring a guy home. I put up the front that I was over Kip, and just like I knew she would, Skyler took the bait.
She’s been staring at him all night.
At least for the past week, they’ve been trying to hide their relationship. Tonight, there might as well be a blinking neon heart hanging over them with arrows pointed at each of their heads.
And even though I know it’s working, even though I know she’ll reveal everything soon, it hurts. I thought it wouldn’t, thought I could be strong enough to brush it off. But when I watch him watch her, I know they’ve touched. When I see her smile at him, I know they’ve laughed.
And in my heart, I know my own Little betrayed me.
It wasn’t fair, what I asked of her, but I never imagined she’d go behind my back and be with Kip, anyway. What hurts the most is that she did it while I was still with him — before I even had the chance to see if we could make it work. Kip is mine, he’s supposed to be with me, but she just couldn’t stand it.
I know I hurt her, and I know I’m not perfect — but what she did to me is worse.
I’ve been drinking too much. I realized that earlier on the island, but lost the ability to care. Instead, I kept drinking, and now, at almost midnight, everything is blurry. I can’t even hide my glares toward Skyler, or my longing stares toward Kip. I can’t hide the fact that I’m two seconds away from losing my shit. But I have to.
I have to hold it together.
The piano bar is packed to the brim, and after the third round of “Benny and the Jets”, I’m about ready to throw in the towel for the night and head up to my room. But just when the thought crosses my mind, I see Kip being shoved toward the piano by his brothers, all of them chanting his name.
I blink through the fog in my head, leaning against the bar as I focus on Kip. He slides behind the piano with a wry grin as the cruise ship pianist stands, microphone in hand.
“Ladies and gentlemen, I’m told we have a pretty good piano player here on board from Palm South University,” he says. The entire bar erupts into cheers — even the brothers of Omega Chi. Somehow, a sort of bond has been formed between the opposing fraternities, though I’m skeptical it will last past this week.
Kip seems almost shy at the piano, his cheeks reddening as everyone starts chanting his name. I open my mouth to join in, but can’t be sure if I actually do.
I’m really, really drunk.
After a moment, his hands move over the keys, a soft melody filling the bar. “Go easy on me, guys,” he says into the microphone, and every girl — including me — melts into a puddle on the floor.
How could we not?
Kip’s wearing a hot pink button-up, the sleeves shoved up to his elbows, hair mussed, and of course, he’s wearing his damn glasses — which apparently make every girl weak. But all I can stare at is the eyes behind those frames as he starts playing a familiar song, and as soon as he leans into the mic and sings the first line, the entire bar goes silent.
And his eyes lock onto Skyler.
My stomach rolls, every shot of alcohol threatening to make a reappearance as he belts out the ballad. He doesn’t take his eyes of Skyler, and every smooth croon of his voice enhances my urge to vomit. I know I’ll never hear this Michael Bublé song the same again, and I know I’ll never want to.
I hate it. I hate him.
I hate her.
As it always does when I’m drinking, time passes in a morphed loop, the song seeming to replay over and over even when Kip finishes and stands from behind the piano. The bar is alive with cheers, everyone clapping and chanting his name again, but that’s nothing compared to how loud they are when Skyler jumps behind the piano with him.
Then, time slows down.
Every cheer morphs, the sounds muted, and I watch in slow motion as Skyler grabs Kip by his collar and pulls his lips to hers. Somehow, I know the crowd is louder, but I only hear a ringing in my ears. I blink, trying to decipher what I feel, but everything is numb. Just like it was when I aborted my child. Just like it was when four men pushed inside of me without me saying they could.
It’s defense mode, a method of survival.
I’m no longer a human with feelings and fears. I’m a machine — an unbreakable force.
Or maybe I’m nothing at all.
“Ex…” Jess starts, her hand reaching for my wrist. “You okay?”
I sniff, forcing a smile and blinking away the fog. “I’m good! I’m going to go find someone to fuck.”
Ashlei’s eyes widen at that. “Maybe you should just chill tonight, you’ve been drinking a lot.”
“I’m fine.”
“I don’t know, Grand Big,” Cassie chimes in. “Maybe we should just go back to the room.”
“I said, I’m fine,” I say louder. “If you girls want to call it a night, be my guest. I’m going to the club.”
I don’t wait for them to answer before I’m pushing through the crowd, avoiding Kip and Skyler at all costs. A hand wraps around my wrist from behind, and I whip around, ready to unleash my anger on Jess and tell her to fuck off and leave me alone.
But it isn’t Jess.
It’s Clinton.
His grip on me softens, but he doesn’t let me go, his brows bent into a hard line over his dark eyes.
“Let me go,” I demand, but I don’t rip away from him. I don’t have the strength.
“Only if you talk to me.”
I scoff. “What is there to talk about?”
“I don’t know, maybe you should tell me. Because clearly you’re not okay right now.” He shakes his head. “What’s going on? What’s happening with you and Sky, with you and this new kid?”
I finally rip my wrist from his hands, tucking my arms over my chest. “Doesn’t matter.”
“It does to me.”
My heart squeezes, façade dropping at his words. I trail my eyes up his broad chest to lock on his, and the sympathy I find there, the genuine care — it nearly kills me. I want to fall into him, to break in his arms, to let him fix me.
But he can’t.
No one can.
“Please, Erin,” he tries again, his hand reaching for mine.
I let him take it, let him thread his fingers with my own. Black and white, large and small, hard and soft. We don’t make sense, and yet Clinton is the only one who can make me feel anything at all anymore.
“Talk to me. Let me help you. I…” He pauses, wetting his lips. “You’re not alone, okay? Even when you feel like you are. I’m here.”
My eyelids flutter, the threat of tears stinging my throat so strongly I nearly let them fall. But instead, I pull my hand from his, my mother’s voice loud in my foggy mind as I steel myself.
“I am alone,” I whisper. “And I prefer it that way.”
His chest deflates. “Erin.”
“Goodnight, Bear.”
I turn and leave him behind, along with the rest of my morals. It’s like I lost the very last piece of myself in that bar, in that moment, and now I’m just the black, charred shell of a woman who once was. I only want justice. I only want what’s rightfully mine.
I only want revenge.
And I don’t care who I hurt, or who I lose — I will get it.
“ANDDD SHE’S BACK, ladies and gents!” Ashlei announces, smacking my hand in a high five as I wipe leftover beer from my mouth.
I let out a loud belch, slamming down my empty cup on the pool bar. “Back and better than ever.”
“Gross.”
“You love me.”
“Also true.”
Ashlei taps the bar, and the bartender refills our cups before we make our way back to our lounge chairs at the edge of the pool. Ashlei slides into hers gracefully as I plop down on mine, crossing my ankles with a satisfied sigh.
“Spring Break fixes everything. It’s science.”
Ashlei chuckles. “It is a pretty great medicine. I’m glad you’re feeling better, babe. I’ve missed you.”
“I’ve been right here,” I argue, poking out my bottom lip.
“I know, but you’ve been distracted. Heartbreak diet and all.” Ashlei shrugs. “And then you were trying to use Greg as a distraction, which took up all your time. I’m just saying, I’m glad I have my feisty best friend back.”
“Me, too.”
We both smile, and I cheers her cup with mine before taking a swig.
“How’s the internship going?” I ask as we both kick back.
Ashlei sprays her legs with tanning oil, rubbing it in as her lips pull to one side. “It’s… good. A little challenging this semester, but nothing I can’t handle.”
“Damn straight. You’re Ashlei Davison — Certified Bad Ass. But what’s been going on?”
She sighs, tossing the tanning oil back in her beach bag and leaning back. “Just some drama with another intern. She was with me last semester, too. She has it out for me for some reason, just determined to take me down.”
“Want me to cut her?”
Ashlei chokes on a laugh. “No, but thanks. With Kimberly, I’ve learned I have to fight dirty just like she does. Dirty, but gracefully, if that makes any sense.”
“Of course. Brain fighting instead of fist fighting.”
“You could say that.”
“Well, I’m here if you need to talk out any plans. How’s that hot ass CEO of yours? You let him bend you over a desk yet?”
Ashlei coughs on her beer, wiping foam from her lips as she faces me. “What? No, of course not.”
I cock a brow. “I was kidding…” Then, I gasp. “WAIT! Have you actually let him bend you over a desk? Oh, my God, Ashlei, you better spill the juice. NOW.”
“Shhhh,” she spits, looking around us like anyone is at all interested in our conversation.
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