by Ruth Gogoll
Sonja was suddenly standing in front of her.
Kim nearly dropped the cake, and Sonja didn’t move, as though struck by lightning.
“Hm-hmm.” Kim cleared her throat. Her head was spinning. “Sonja.” She cleared her throat again. “How are you?”
Sonja said nothing, but even in the pallid light of the parking garage Kim could see that the dark rings beneath her eyes had grown deeper.
Kim raised the cake in the air. “Want some cake?” She forced a laugh. “I just got one as a present.”
“Now?” Sonja seemed to awaken. “In the middle of the night?”
“My boss’s wife –” Kim began.
“Ah, Margit,” Sonja said. “I understand.”
“Has she given you cakes, too?” Kim was grateful for this innocuous topic of conversation, even though it wasn’t likely to last long.
“Yes,” Sonja said. “She seems to do that to everyone.”
“I think so, too.”
They fell silent and looked at one another.
Kim felt the yearning overwhelm her. If it hadn’t been for the cake, if she’d had both hands free . . .
“Sonja, I –” She raised a hand as if to caress Sonja’s cheek; it was like a magnet, drawing her close.
Sonja interrupted her with a movement. “Don’t, Kim . . .”
“Yes.” Kim let the hand drop. “Are you not feeling well?” Intently, she examined Sonja’s face. “You look tired.”
“It’s nearly midnight,” Sonja said coolly. “How else should I look besides tired? You can’t be doing much better.”
“It’s all right. I can recuperate over the weekend, after all.” Kim looked at Sonja, who still hadn’t moved, and made up her mind. “I need to talk to you.”
“There’s nothing to talk about,” Sonja replied forbiddingly.
“Yes, there is.” Kim set the cake down on the ground.
Sonja stared at her. “What?” Her face was a solid mask.
“I just want to talk.” Kim looked at her and saw the wariness in her eyes. What was she afraid of? “We should’ve talked a long time ago.”
“No. Everything is fine the way it is.”
“You look like you’re on the brink of collapse,” Kim countered concerned, “and you call that fine?”
“That’s none of your business,” Sonja said sharply. “Besides which, I am fine. It’s been a rough week, that’s all. A few hours of sleep –”
“Do you get that at home – with your husband?” Kim asked.
“Ah, that’s what this is about.” Sonja seemed to relax. “You’re jealous.” Apparently, this was a familiar situation for her, something she knew how to deal with. “May I remind you that I’m married?” Her voice sounded smug.
“You don’t need to remind me of that. I’ve never forgotten. But there are apparently a variety of ways of being married. For some people, it appears to include having affairs.” Sonja had wrapped herself in so much armor; Kim didn’t know how she’d be able to crack it.
“We did not have an ‘affair,’” Sonja said dismissively.
“That may be true. But they say you’re having one now. Is that why you’re so exhausted?”
“Excuse me?” Sonja glared at Kim.
“Your affair. Does it take a lot of energy? Are you going to see him now?” Kim could feel things spinning out of her control.
“That’s ridiculous,” Sonja said coldly. “Let me through.” She attempted to take a step forward, but couldn’t get past Kim through the narrow doorway.
“I’m sorry.” Kim looked at the floor. “That’s not what I wanted. I honestly just wanted to talk to you.”
“That’s what appointments are for,” Sonja said, even colder than before.
“Yeah, sure,” Kim replied, disappointed. “In your office.”
“Better there than in the parking garage,” Sonja countered angrily.
“Sonja . . . my God . . . I . . .” Kim could no longer contain herself. All her feelings overwhelmed her at once. She pushed Sonja up against the wall and stared into her face. “Sonja . . . Sonja, I . . .”
Sonja’s gaze was icy. Kim no longer knew what to do. She felt so helpless. She leaned forward and pressed her lips against Sonja’s.
Sonja didn’t open her lips. Kim tried again, and at some point, Sonja relented, but she didn’t let go of her briefcase. She kept it in her hand until Kim released her.
“Are you happy now?” she asked, just as cold as before. Her voice practically clinked like ice cubes. “Or do I need to get undressed, too?” She looked Kim up and down. “Just talk. Of course,” she said scornfully.
Kim stepped back. She thought she remembered Sonja going soft beneath her kiss, but she wasn’t sure whether or not she’d only imagined that.
“Forgive me. I . . . you’re . . . you’re so wonderful. I miss you.” Her voice sounded tender.
“There’s nothing to miss,” Sonja said, still cold. “It was nothing.”
“Nothing?” Kim stared at her. “You call that night in the hotel nothing?”
“Exactly.” Sonja was acting like an iceberg that continued to freeze even colder and harder. “I’ve experienced nights like that often, and they never mean anything once they’re over.”
“For me, it’s not over,” Kim said tenderly. She yearned so badly to be able to take Sonja in her arms now, as she’d done then. “I’d very much like it not to be over.”
“But it is. Over and done with. One night means nothing.” Sonja turned away and pressed the remote to unlock her car. A beep came from the middle distance, and her car’s lights flashed.
“It was your only night with a woman. Doesn’t that make it different?”
Sonja didn’t answer. She stared impassively at her car.
“That night means a great deal to me,” Kim said softly. “You mean a great deal to me, Sonja.”
Sonja started to walk toward her car.
“I love you, Sonja,” Kim said.
Sonja jerked to a halt and spun around. “Are you insane?” she hissed. “Saying something like that to me?” She paused a moment, not speaking, collecting herself. “I’m still your superior,” she said, slightly calmer.
“What kind of difference does that make? Does that mean you’re no longer a desirable woman? Does it mean you’re not the woman I love?”
Sonja frowned disdainfully. “Who you love makes no difference to me whatsoever. Just leave me alone about it.” She turned and walked to her car.
“Are you ashamed of yourself? Are you ashamed because you slept with a woman and liked it?”
Sonja turned back once more. “What makes you think I liked it?” she asked contemptuously.
Kim laughed sadly. “I’m not a man, Sonja. I know perfectly well that you did. You can’t fool me. But if you want to try to fool yourself . . .” She shrugged.
Sonja glared at her angrily again. She left without another word. Her footsteps echoed through the underground garage, the car door slammed, and the engine started.
In a moment she would drive past Kim.
When she did, there was no expression on her face.
Kim got the impression that had she thrown herself in front of Sonja’s car, she would have kept right on driving.
~*~*~*~
After Kim had finished up the statistics on Monday morning that she’d only half finished on Friday, she leaned back in her chair and gazed out the window.
Over the weekend, she’d experienced a feeling of shame about her behavior toward Sonja. She had hurt her; of that, she was convinced.
Certainly, Sonja had done the same to her. She had rebuffed her and pushed her away, but perhaps that was just in reaction to Kim’s method of approach. Kim had simply kissed her, hadn’t respected the boundaries that Sonja had drawn around herself, had crossed them without permission.
Kim sighed and reached for the telephone. She needed to apologize.
“Kim, can you help me?”
One of her cowor
kers stood in the doorway.
“What’s up?” Kim looked at her inquisitively.
“A customer. He just won’t calm down. He absolutely insists on talking to the boss.”
Kim nodded. “Okay, put him through.”
A moment later the phone rang. Kim steeled herself and picked it up. Right away, a barrage of imprecations rained down on her, before she could even say a word.
Then she finally managed to cut in. “You’re absolutely right.”
The customer had been about to launch into another string of abuse, but then he fell silent, perplexed.
“That model is very prone to error,” Kim went on, “as we have already determined most unfortunately. It’s being taken off the market.”
“Fat lot of good that does me,” the customer replied, still furious. “I already bought it.”
“I understand that you’re frustrated. I would be, too, in your situation. Unfortunately, all I can do is ask you to return the device. You’ll get your money back.”
“And my nerves?” the customer asked rather loudly.
“Valerian,” Kim said. “You’ll receive a free year’s supply from us.”
The line went still, and then a laugh broke loose from it so loudly that it prompted Kim to hold the receiver even farther away from her ear than she already had.
“You’re terrific.” The man could barely calm himself. “What’s your name?”
“Wolff.”
“Well, then, Ms. Wolff, send me the valerian and I’ll send you the machine.” He laughed some more. “I can’t believe it! You’re really all right! I’m going to have to tell my wife about this!”
“I’m happy that I’m able to help you,” Kim said. “Have a nice day.”
“Thanks, thanks.” The man was still laughing. “You, too.” He hung up.
Kim’s colleague came in. “Valerian?” She chuckled. “Where did you come up with that idea?”
“Doesn’t that always help?” Kim arched an eyebrow. “By the way, do you happen to know what expense category to count that under?”
Her colleague laughed. “Ask Rolf. I’m afraid that question has never come up before.”
“I’m afraid so, too.”
Her colleague left, still laughing.
I could use a little valerian myself about now, Kim thought, picking up the telephone one more time. Maybe more than a little. She hesitated for a moment before she dialed Sonja’s number. Her heart was pounding in her throat.
It rang twice. Then she heard, “Mayrhofer?”
She swallowed. A fat frog in her throat was preventing her from speaking.
“Ah, Kim.” Jo apparently recognized the number on her caller ID. “Is it time for lunch already?”
“No, I . . . I actually wanted to speak to Sonja,” she managed with an effort.
Jo sighed. “Haven’t you had enough of her yet?” She took a deep breath. “She just left. Won’t be back in today. Her phone calls are being redirected to me.”
Damn. Did that idiot have to call right then? A minute earlier and I would’ve caught her.
“Kim, be sensible,” Jo went on persuasively. “You promised to keep your distance from her.”
“I am keeping my distance – I’m clear on the other side of town,” Kim replied peevishly. “Isn’t that far enough?”
“Quit splitting hairs,” Jo said. “You promised us.”
“I . . . I need to apologize to her,” Kim said sheepishly. “There’s no way around it. I offended her.”
“You offended her? How did you do that when you two never even see each other? Or did you –?” Jo broke off, suspicious.
“We ran into each other – by coincidence – in the parking garage on Friday night. That’s all.”
“And you had nothing better to do than to go and offend her?” Jo chided.
“Not exactly . . . I –” Kim ran a hand through her hair. “I told her that I love her,” she whispered very quietly.
“You did what?” Jo was presumably shaking her head. “Have you lost your mind? What did you think that would accomplish?”
“Nothing. I didn’t think it would accomplish anything. But it’s the truth. I’ve been fighting it all along, but right then, when she was standing there right in front of me, it finally became clear to me.”
“Oh, my God!” Jo moaned. “You really aren’t attached to your job, are you?”
“This has nothing to do with my job.”
“She sponsored you, Kim. It was because of her that you got your team leader position. How fast do you think that could turn around and go the other way?”
“She wouldn’t do a thing like that,” Kim said with conviction. “She can keep personal and professional issues separate.”
“Can she?” Jo wasn’t so convinced. “Well, if you think so. She was especially charming again today. I’m glad she has things to do outside the building.”
“What do you have against her, Jo? She was always downright nice in the office.”
“To you, maybe.” Jo sighed. “I’ve almost never experienced her like that. She’s already mad when she gets here, and over the course of the day, it just gets worse.”
“She comes in later than you do?” Kim asked, astonished.
“Oh, yeah, never before nine. Sometimes not until ten. And of course, I’m always glad when she has off-site appointments and doesn’t come in at all.”
Something in Sonja’s life must have gotten seriously mixed up, Kim thought. When a person changed her habits that much, something was wrong. Something significant. “I never knew her to come in any later than seven, usually even earlier.”
“Seven?” Jo laughed. “Good heavens!”
“Yeah. When I worked for her, she was always the first one in in the morning,” Kim said thoughtfully. She chewed at her lower lip. Originally, she’d just wanted to apologize to Sonja, but that thought had now receded into the background. She was worried. Even though she had no right to be. She sighed.
Jo had heard the sigh. “Get her out of your head. She’s no good for you. She’s a cold, straight bloodless harpy, that’s all. She and her husband can go off and scratch each other’s eyes out. Leave it alone.”
Kim took a deep breath. “Yes, it has nothing to do with me. You’re right.”
“Then why does it seem like you mean the opposite of what you’re saying?”
“I mean exactly what I’m saying,” Kim asserted. “It’s none of my business what she does. But I still need to apologize to her. Because what I do is my business.”
“You’re incorrigible.” Jo moaned. “Will you ever learn? What else does she have to do to you?”
“She didn’t do anything to me,” Kim said softly. “I did something to her.”
“Good grief, what horrible thing did you do?”
Kim didn’t answer.
“Do what you have to do. At any rate, you won’t reach her anymore today.”
“Where is she?” Kim asked.
“Oh, no!” Jo was obviously shaking her head, to the point that her hair rustled against the receiver. “I’m not telling you that. You’ll just jump right up and drive over there.”
“So it’s not that far away?”
“My lips are sealed. You’ll get nothing out of me.”
“I can already imagine where she is,” Kim said. “I read the reports on the state of the reorganization, too, you know.”
“Kim, please . . .” Jo resorted to pleading. “Don’t. She’s no good for you. She’s no good for anybody.”
“She is . . . Jo, you don’t understand. She’s very different from how you’ve gotten to know her. She can be very different, really.” Kim closed her eyes, and it was as if she could smell Sonja’s scent, just as she did back then –
“In bed?” Jo pursed her lips audibly. “You know perfectly well that that doesn’t count. That’s not everyday life. That’s always an exceptional circumstance.”
“But she was . . . she was like that in the office,
too, before we . . . I mean . . . what you’re experiencing with her now, I never experienced. She was always nice, friendly, competent.” Kim was confused.
“She’s still competent,” Jo said. “Very much so. She can run circles around any man. But nice . . . friendly . . . that must’ve been somebody else. Calling her a dragon would be too kind.”
Something isn’t right here, Kim thought. If she treats me like that – okay, but other people, too? Jo never did anything to her. “I have to see her,” she said decisively. “I’m sorry, Jo, but I can’t keep my promise.”
She heard Jo groan again before she replaced the receiver.
She pulled out the latest internal report. There was a photo of Sonja in it, which was why she’d filed it away in her bottom drawer. The status of the reorganization project Sonja was leading was described in it, and she was praised for her success with the project.
For the first time, Kim looked closely at the photo of Sonja. It was an old photo, probably dating back to when she was hired. Sonja was smiling and looked not the slightest bit strained or worn out. It made the difference between then and Sonja’s current condition even more apparent to Kim. The woman she’d met in the parking garage on Friday could’ve been the grandmother of the woman pictured in this photo. Or at the very least her embittered older sister. And that had all happened in a couple of weeks.
Kim considered the photo once more, examining every inch of Sonja’s face. Sonja’s eyes beamed out from the picture; she was artfully made up and the photo was perfectly lit. She looked just great.
And that’s how I met her, Kim thought. Exactly like this. Beautiful, impressive, charming. She could hardly tear herself away from Sonja’s image, but she had to. The real woman needed her support; she couldn’t prove her love to a photograph.
And if she doesn’t want your support?
It was almost Jennifer’s voice, she heard in her head.
She was always very proud of being able to accomplish everything alone. And your love? You heard what she thinks about that.
“She was horribly exhausted,” Kim said aloud, as if the Jennifer in her head had spoken directly to her. “She couldn’t think clearly anymore.”
