Ashes and Ice

by Rochelle Maya Callen

  “You don’t know what they are?” Mom’s shock seems as if the lack of knowledge of Eskimo kisses is a small sin requiring penance.

  Jade shakes her head. She leans in with raised eyebrows and waits for mom to divulge the mystery. I smirk to myself. This is ridiculous.

  “Well,” Mom smiles, “you bump your nose with someone else’s…”

  Jade’s eyes widen, “Oh! Like this—” she grabs my chin and pulls me toward her. She bumps the tip of my nose with hers in a short, abrupt, and slightly painful motion. I grab my nose in defense.

  My mom giggles. Harry let outs a bellowing laugh, “No one would look forward to that.”

  Jade slightly purses her lip, eyes still wide, her whole face washed over by a hint of embarrassment. It’s one of her rare vulnerable moment and I cherish it. She looks like she needs to be hand-held while discovering the world… and I want to be her guide.

  “No, no, no,” my mom manages between giggles. “Connor, show her.”

  I’m paralyzed, eyes wide. Initiate closeness? I can barely look Jade in the eyes. The room goes quiet, awkward. Jade peers at me, waiting.

  Silence.

  “Uh,” I finally say, but even that one syllable breaks.

  “C’mon Connor,” Wade moans.

  “Yeah. Show me.” Jade chirps.

  I nod dutifully like a good southern boy should. I lean in closer to her face, our noses side-by-side, our lips only a tiny space apart from each other. I quickly, but gently brush my nose across each side of hers and sit up, never before exhibiting such perfect posture.

  “Yes. Like that.” Mom says, “Perhaps a little more kindly, a bit more finesse, but yes, like that.”

  “So like this?” Jade cups my chin again, but leans in slowly, thoughtfully. All I can think about is how her lips seem to be descending on mine, but then she turns her head slightly and brushes her nose against mine softly – one, two, three, four times. It’s prolonged. And sweet. I hold my breath so when she releases me, I let out a small gasp – horrifyingly loud enough for everyone to hear. I can already hear the laughter before it finally collides with the air and I want to disappear under the hardwood floor.

  “Very good,” Wade chides, “Well that is as far as Connor will get to losing his virginity. I’m not sure he could survive pretty ol’ Jade here asking him how to butterfly kiss. Maybe, in a few more years, our boy here will be a man.” He slaps me on the shoulder. I despise him. I wish I could turn his apple pie into strawberry shortcake so he would break out in hives from the allergic reaction.

  Jade’s eyes shoot up inquisitively and I can almost make out her lips asking, “What are butter—”

  Mom interrupts to scold Wade. “Wade, hush now. None of that ill-mannered nonsense around the dinner table.” She shakes her head and returns to her plate, “And in front of a guest, no less.”

  Chapter 27

  Jade

  The sky’s blackness is speckled with stars. So many stars. Connor’s wisps of light compete for my attention, too. I smile. Connor insisted on walking me home, as did his mom, so we take to the street and walk silently through town toward Nanan’s.

  “I’m sorry my truck is still broken.” He says finally. “I feel bad I can’t drive you home.” He doesn’t look up at me; he just eyes the pavement, his shoulders hunched forward in their near-permanent position.

  “No, don’t worry about it.” I say. “I prefer walking.” I look out toward the houses casting their yellow lights onto the lawns. Some people have their shades up, so I can actually look inside and see their intimate, private moments—a couple sitting in front of a TV huddled close together as if the heat doesn’t touch them, a family of five holding hands in prayer at a dinner table before eating, an old man shuffling around, moving things in his kitchen. I would feel guilty for spying on them, but it’s all too beautiful to feel guilty about.

  “Sorry about my family.” Connor’s voice pulls me out of my lull, my unrelenting curiosity of it all. I almost forget he is walking next to me, he is so silent.

  “What are you talking about?” I say. “Your family is great!”

  He shrugs. His presence seems to intrude upon me as I become more aware of the mass of him—his height, the width of his shoulders, the stride that looks a bit off, but is graceful when is in full motion, the hair that hangs over his eyes, how his arms swing, nearly grazing my own. He kicks over a rock and draw up his arms, crossing them across his chest. The whole of him so close, yet he feels so far away. Like he is a world away and there is something missing in him, something sad lingering about him. It reminds me of his mother, so alive and gorgeous, but with something very different simmering under the surface that only the occasional watery glaze of her eyes would reveals right before she blinks the wetness away.

  “Your mother is beautiful.” I remember how the light caught on her hair but how that light was nowhere near the grace and brightness of her smile.

  “You’re…” I barely hear him speak and turn my head toward him. But he just shakes his head and doesn’t finish whatever he was about to say. He clears his throat. “I think Jesse has a crush on you.”

  I laugh nervously. The feel of Dominic’s cool arms around me comes to mind. I crinkle my nose. The thought of someone being attracted to me brightens my insides in a strange, unfamiliar way, but it dissipates quickly. No one could be attracted to me. Not someone as wretched, no, as wicked, as me. “Doubt that.”

  He shrugs again. “Listen, Jade. I am sorry about last night. You came to me and needed help and I didn’t give it to you.”

  “No worries.” I smile. “I mean, you didn’t even have a truck with wheels on last night. How can you feel badly about that?”

  “Yeah, but, you looked, so, I don’t know… worried.”

  Nanan’s lights are on. Connor’s pace slows slightly. We walk up the pathway and I feel a strange pull backward as if Connor is a magnetic force willing me to slow down, for the evening not to end just yet. But I don’t know why. We reach the door and I raise my hand to stick the key below the doorknob.

  “Um.” Connor says and clears his throat. It seems awkward, rehearsed.

  I look at him. He wearily shifts his weight, head down, his hands stuffed deep in his pockets. “Were you going to say something?”

  “I—uh no.” He shakes his head. He exhales loudly, sounding defeated. About what? I don’t know.

  “Thanks for walking me home.” I say turning the key.

  “No problem.” He says. “Thanks for putting up with my family.”

  “No, Connor. Thanks for inviting me over.” I don’t know how to sound more sincere. “I really enjoyed your family.” I really want one of my own.

  He smiles at me before jogging down the stairs and waving goodbye.

  I open the door and feel it: electricity prickling the air. I turn around eyeing the street, the sidewalk, the shadows, but see nothing. I shake my head. Maybe the electricity is all in my mind. I turn my back to the empty road and step inside the house thinking about beautiful and ugly things.

  “How it go, darlin’?” Nanan’s voice comes from the kitchen. I walk inside and sit beside her.

  “It was nice. They are a very sweet family.”

  “Oh, yeah, that momma of his is an angel. Shame bout her husband. He was a good man, too. Those mess of men are always causin’ a ruckus. Never heard too much outta that boy Connor though.”

  “Yeah, he is kind of quiet.” I think about the little things he says that make me smile, “funny though.”

  “Nothin’ better than findin’ a beau that can make ya’ laugh.” Nanan spoons in another mound of sugar. She likes her black coffee sweet.

  “A… beau?”

  “A boy that’s sweet on you, ya know, a boyfriend.” Nanan sips her coffee and winks at me.

  “Oh no, he, he isn’t my boyfriend.” The proclamation stiffens my shoulders. “We are just friends.”

  “Uh-huh.” Her lips curl up on one side above her cup.


  She has twinkling eyes. I think about the way Desi looks at Connor. I hope someone looks at me like that one day, like someone who could wrap me up in a hug and fiercely protect me. I wonder… if Nanan could ever look at me like that.

  When I get to my room and stretch out on my bed, my fingers graze something smooth. I look down on the bed and see an open magnolia bloom at my fingertips. It is beautiful, delicate. I touch a fragile petal and feel a jolt of electricity shock me. I jerk my hand away.

  Jade…

  It is a strong, masculine, lilting voice. And I swear, I have heard it before.

  Chapter 28

  Connor

  Wade hated me last night. I wouldn’t let him leave until we had finished fixing the car and that wasn’t until nearly 2am. The whole evening involved quite a few expletives and a few grumbles about Jade not even being my girlfriend. I wished Harry was around to help me instead, but he went off fishing somewhere so I was stuck with Wade.

  It was worth the night of complaints though because I finished the truck before Jade got to the house on Sunday morning. I wanted to be ready so if she needed a ride for anything she wouldn’t need to be asking elsewhere…

  I fell asleep in my oily clothes. When I wake up, I start changing when someone knocks on my bedroom door. “Yeah, Ma?”

  “Um, no. Actually, it’s Jade.” There is a pause as I stand half-naked in the middle of my room seeing piles of clothes everywhere. So much for my clean room. “Your mom let me in and told me to knock on your door.”

  “Oh, yeah, uh, just wait a sec.” I pull on the rest of my clothes and then push the dirty clothes in a corner. Opening the door, a kick of adrenaline shoots through me. Jade stands in the doorway with a hot red cami top and a plaid skirt with little black buckles showing bare thighs. Without the long sleeves and fishnets, this is way more bare skin than I’ve ever seen on her. I gulp down the lump in my throat and shift my eyes to the floor. “Uh, want to head out? Or come in?”

  In answer, she steps in the room. “I brought movies for after the truck’s done.”

  “Oh yeah, I finished it.”

  “Really?” She looks surprised. “How did you get it done so fast?”

  “I just worked on it early this morning.”

  She smiles. “So the old man has skills.” She winks at me. “Great! So what do you want to see: comedy, romance, or action?”

  “Action.” I say quickly. I am desperate for something to spike my adrenaline, something that doesn’t involve the curve of her bare shoulders, the line of her collarbone, or her… Oh, my gosh, I’m as bad as those pervs at school. I shake my head trying to refocus my thoughts.

  She walks over and I gasp as she touches the hem of my shirt, grazing the skin on my stomach.

  She tugs the hem down. “Trying to show off your abs, huh?”

  “What?”

  “You didn’t pull your shirt all the way down.”

  “Oh, I—” She is already going over to sit on the couch. Okay: refocus, refocus, refocus, refocus. “So, what action movie did you bring?”

  ***

  I flip off the TV when the movie ends and stretch “So how did you like the movie?”

  “It was good.” She says. “A little unbelievable. But you know, good.”

  “Yeah, I think most action movies are like that.”

  “Oh, do you play?” She wasn’t looking at the TV anymore.

  I raise my eyebrows and follow her pointed finger. The guitar. Mom took it out again. I sigh. “Yeah, I used to.”

  “You don’t anymore.”

  “No,” I say quickly. Jade looks surprised by my abrupt response. “I, I haven’t played in a while.”

  “Why?” She stands up and traces the curve of guitar.

  “I—I just don’t.”

  “Would you show me?”

  “I—I don’t know.” My body tenses.

  “Please?” She says it softly, her eyes open and bright.

  “Uh, I.” Instead of saying anything else, I just reach my hand out in response.

  She hands it over to me quickly and I place it on my lap. I sit there for a moment, grazing my hand over the neck and body, feeling the familiar touch of the steel strings. Memories rush back to me. Bonfires with singing, guitar playing and laughter. Dad showing me how to glide my hand up and down the neck and pick the strings so a melody sings out of wood and strings. I remember the notebook between my mattresses of songs I wrote about life and love even though I have little experience with either. I remember Mom lying back on the couch and asking us to play again. And we did. We had a song for her. We hardly ever sang the lyrics, but she treasured every note.

  I place my fingers on the strings and poise my other hand to pick. I take a deep breath as I let my fingers remember to play after months of trying to forget.

  Chapter 29

  Jade

  The light quivers around him: grey and green, yellow peeking through. The colors dance around him, growing to swirling tendrils and falling to a whisper of a glow.

  Then there is music, beautiful music, music starting slow and sad, building into hopeful and lovely. I stare at him. His eyes are closed, his gold and brown hair falling into his face. He looks peaceful and strong and beautiful. I sit on the bed next to him, feeling the warmth of him. The thrum of the guitar spills out and wraps around me. I rest my head on his shoulder. He stiffens for a moment before relaxing. Every now and then, I hear a hum blend in with the guitar chords and I breathe it in, the vibration of it, the warm, bright sound of it. The song builds and grows until it is something more than notes, it settles inside me and I feel the pulsing energy around him reach into me.

  I barely notice when the music stops. I keep my head on his shoulder a moment longer before I finally look at him. He is brilliant and golden and green. No more gray. I look deep into the amber of his eyes and realize just how rich they are. My gaze falls to the curve of his mouth and I am amazed by how soft it looks, how inviting, how… a warm unfamiliar rush of heat pulses inside me.

  I sit back quickly. “That was so, so beautiful Connor.” I don’t want to say I’m not just talking about his music.

  His voice is barely a whisper. “Thanks.”

  When we walk downstairs, Connor’s mother is in the kitchen. “Hey, Mom.”

  “Hi, Desi!”

  She looks startled and turns away for a quick second, wiping her face before turning back to us. “Afternoon, kids!” She grabs some fruit from a basket and starts cutting. “Enjoy the movie?”

  I hear the lightness in her voice, but her eyes…they glisten, too wet. Had she been crying?

  “Yeah, it was great.”

  “Yeah, but I better get going.” I say.

  Connor looks surprised for a second before running upstairs to grab his wallet so he could stop at the store before driving me home.

  I wait in the kitchen with Desi.

  She doesn’t say anything at first, which seems out of character for her. As I hear Connor closing his bedroom door, Desi leans in and places a hand on my arm. “Thank you,” she whispers.

  I crinkled my nose and furrowed my brow, confused. “I, uh…”

  “Thank you for getting him to play.” Her eyes are vulnerable and open. I see more tears gathering.

  “I—” What could I say?

  “All right, let’s head out.” Connor’s voice booms along with his thunderous footsteps.

  I pause before Desi wraps me in a hug and pivots me around. “Okay, get her home safe, ya hear.” Before I know it, I hear her leaving the room and going quickly up the steps.

  Chapter 30

  Connor

  Jade and I walk into the bustle of the school. There are the typical comments directed at me, but as I see Jade just shake her head as they speak, I feel at ease and am able to ignore them. At least until we arrive at her locker where, in marker, someone wrote “Freak”.

  I try scrubbing my palm over it, but the word isn’t going anywhere.

  “I-, I’m
sorry, Jade.” I say, anger edging my voice.

  “Why, you didn’t do it, did you?”

  “No, of course not, but, you know, people are just stupid.”

  She smirks at me. “Yeah, I know.” She pulls a bright red lipstick from a bag in her locker and writes “of nature” below the “Freak”.

  I laugh.

  “Well, well, hello.” Dominic bangs into the lockers beside us and leans up against them.

  “C’mon Dom, can you go away.” I’m surprised by the words before they are even totally out of my mouth.

  He eyes me. “Not here for you.” He redirects his attention to Jade and it makes my gut sour more. Did he or one of his dumbass friends write on Jade’s locker? Anger boils inside me, but right before I say anything else to Dom, he says, “It was nice hanging out with you on Friday.” My stomach drops from my body. What? When were they hanging out?

  “We didn’t hang out,” Jade quips. “You pestered me. There’s a difference.”

  “Oh, C’mon. So the ride home at nearly 4am didn’t get me any points.”

  Where the hell was Jade at 4am? The questions tumble in on me and my body tenses as I feel more and more nauseated. Why didn’t she tell me?

  “If you remember, I didn’t want your ride.”

  “Sure you did.” He winks. Ug, can I throw up?

  Jade just shakes her head. “Give it up, Dominic.”

  “Oh, to you, I would.”

  What?

  Jade rolls her eyes.

  Dominic catches the look on my face and smirks, “Oh, she didn’t tell you? We were in the French Quarter on Friday night. She cleans up good when she goes out.”

  “Shut up, Dom,” Jade snaps. “It wasn’t a night on the town, I had something to do and you just got in the way.”

  Jade rests a hand on my shoulder. “Luckily, I will never need a ride from you again.”

  The bell rings. Time for class. Jade turns to me. “I’ll see you later, ‘kay?”