Honor closed her eyes, imagining their sweet child and the role she wanted to play – his momma.
“I can’t do it on my own,” Honor said, her voice quiet. Sad. Defeated. “No diploma. No income. No mom to support me. But I will not have an abortion.”
“Of course not,” Ruthanne said, her voice and expression clearly shocked that the thought had even crossed the girl’s face. “You’ll give the baby to me.”
Honor stared at her, dumbfounded. That hadn’t been what she was expecting. “What?”
“I have experience with a child with sugar sight, Honor. I can raise him properly.”
“But what if it’s a girl?”
Ruthanne scoffed and waved her hand. “No first born Spencer child has ever been a girl.” Her eyes narrowed at Honor. “Unless you’re lying and trying to pin this on my son.”
“No!” Honor stood, too angry to remain seated. “I loved your son. I love your son,” she clarified hotly. “I don’t understand any of this. Why does everyone want me to give up my baby?”
“Because we can see what your youth is blinding you to. What kind of life can you give a child on your own, Honor? You’re broke, young, and out of options.”
“All I need is help,” Honor said stubbornly. “We’re in love!”
“No,” Ruthanne shouted, suddenly faced with her worst fear, losing the sugar connection to her son. “No,” she repeated more calmly, hiding her anxiety.
Ruthanne sighed. “I have a cousin who is a midwife in Newton. You’ll stay there and take your GED. When you deliver, Maddie will fill out the paperwork and that baby will belong to me. And afterwards, you will disappear.”
Just like that Ruthanne Spencer had decided her future, without a thought to any of the other players in the farce.
Her life expanded and contracted in a single heartbeat. Her baby would be safe. Her baby would be with family. That family just wouldn’t include her.
She sat back down, stunned. Processing information.
But what were her options, really? Her only work experience was here, working for Spencer’s Bakery and, judging from the look on Ruthanne’s face, she didn’t think she’d get a good reference.
She had $300 in her savings account and a ten year old car. Where would that get her?
She knew, logically, that giving the baby up for adoption was the best thing for her baby. With Catholic Charities at least let you get post cards and they keep up with your baby’s progress. This way, she’d be cut out of her child’s life forever.
But this way, her baby would be with family.
Even if the family in question was a miserable cow.
Her heart split so wide at the thought that pain was the only bridge.
“This is my baby,” she whispered, brokenly. “Mine and your son’s.”
Ruthanne’s eyes darted over Honor’s shoulders and a quick shoulder check revealed Spence’s dad, Simon, Sr. watching them with cool, detached gaze.
“Spence broke up with you,” Ruthanne said, her cool voice not completely unkind but with none of the warmth Honor had grown used to from their working relationship. “You thought we didn’t know, right? Well, we do. He broke up with you because you are not of Harper’s Mill. You are temporary. He broke up with you because you were never going to stay and had he lost his heart to you, he would never recover.” Ruthanne’s mouth firmed as she looked at her husband. “Spence knows his future is here, in this town. He did what he had to do and now you have to do the same.”
That’s not fair, she wanted to scream. He did love her, at least a little. Didn’t he? And how do they know she was only temporary? She loved this town, too. Just because she wasn’t one of the original descendants? That was crazy.
But now, facing his parents, insecurity washed over her. What, after all, did the hearts of two teenagers matter in the grand scheme of life?
She wanted Spence. She wanted her baby. She wanted to finish high school and eventually figure out what she wanted to do with the rest of her life.
Unbidden, unwanted, Steve’s voice echoed in her head. “Put your wants in one hand and piss in the other. Tell me which one fills up first.”
She winced at any memory of Steve. “But Spencer only has a few more weeks of boot camp,” she said, arguing for more time.
“And do you plan on being homeless until then? Even if we do decide to give him your message.”
“I’ll stay with my mom,” Honor said, bluffing. There was no way she could continue to live there but they didn’t have to know that.
“Has it started yet?” Mr. Spencer said, approaching them with a cruel smile twisting his lips. “Has Steve tried to get in your room yet? He’s always liked them young, but I didn’t think he’d go after someone as young as you.”
Color drained from Honor’s cheeks. They knew. The bastards.
“I’ll stay with Emma and her mom,” Honor said, chin thrust out, fighting for something bigger than herself. Fighting for her baby and Spence and a chance at the future.
“No. You won’t. Because I’ll call the police and say you were stealing from me. How far will you get then?”
“Why are you doing this?” Honor said, flabbergasted. “I thought you liked me. Approved of me!”
“You’re just a silly, temporary girl with the power to rob my son of his happiness. His destiny. And you dare ask why I’m doing this? I’m doing it to save him!” Simon said, shouting his answer and Honor’s fear rose and her resolve lessened.
“But, we’d be able to make it with a little help,” she said softly. Her mantra was losing power again and she hugged herself for comfort.
“The world doesn’t owe you any help. You made your bed, now you get to live with the consequences. You’ll get no money from us,” Ruthanne said, her eyes calm and unrelenting. Pushing.
Honor felt truly been boxed in, restricted by her own choice for refusing to abort her baby, her mother’s shallow disregard for her daughter’s safety, and the Spencer’s cruel disregard for her. It was a perfect storm – a Swiss cheese tangle that left her with very few options.
“Do you see the power you’re dealing with, yet?” Ruthanne taunted, feeling the need to put just a little more pressure on her. She rose and took the tea cups to the sink.
For long moments, Honor was left alone with her fears and her thoughts. Did she have another way? Like a chess queen, was she going to have to sacrifice herself for the ultimate win? Because her son’s safety was the only thing that mattered.
“I agree,” she whispered, her heart shattering into a million piece puzzle, scattered across Ruthanne Spencer’s pristine kitchen floor. Tears, big and fat and clear, fell from her eyes as she realized the hell she had just condemned herself to.
Denying her own baby. Denying Spence. Walking away from her mother. Leaving Emma. Being forced to live in limbo the next several months, falling further and further in love with her baby, and knowing, at the end, she would turn her child over to another woman to raise.
Chapter Five
Snow crystals fell, shrouding the world in a silver haze as Honor lay, recovering from the delivery. One minute, her baby had been warmly ensconced in her womb, kicking and swimming and performing all kinds of magical baby feats. The next, he was taken from her, wrapped in a towel and whisked off to another room.
The listless fog that had surrounded her since agreeing to this horrid idea deepened. She had no desire to look at the GED books provided to her. Her mind refused to focus. To function. Even breathing felt like an effort.
Lost in her own overwhelming feelings of sadness, all she had managed to accomplish over the last several months was wandering around Maddie’s house aimlessly; the occasional apathetic bout of TV; and a daily walk in the woods near the house.
Not even her beloved bunny Carrots helped anymore. The once white bunny rabbit stayed tucked under her pillow. She often found herself playing with his tattered ears as though they were a talisman, able to protect her from eventual heartbre
ak.
The sad truth was, a life with no dreams was no life at all.
The only enjoyment she found was telling stories to her son. Maddie would bring home the requested books and Honor spent long hours reading fairy tales and nursery rhymes to her growing baby. Sometimes, she would substitute her own fanciful images into the classic stories, like when Goldilocks found yummy oatmeal cookies, instead of porridge. Honor laughed as her little bean danced in response to her voice.
One afternoon, she found herself reaching for the well-worn and creased index cards in Mutti’s scarred tin recipe box. Sometimes, the neatly printed words brought her comfort while she dreamt impossible dreams of baking for her son. Other times, the recipes reminded her that she would have no family to bake for and bring joy to.
The one time she had explored the kitchen, looking for ingredients to put together, she was pushed out. Baking – her single gift and the one thing guaranteed to calm her – was now denied.
The sugar cravings were insane and if this was even a partial feeling of what Spence had felt growing up, she empathized with him. Her poor baby would suffer the same sugary withdrawal.
“No baking,” Maddie said, blocking her way.
Was she kidding? “Why? I like to bake.” I need to bake away my feelings, she thought, but refused to give Maddie that much information.
Maddie bit her lip.
Was this a clue? Honor thought, interested in something for the first time since agreeing to Ruthanne’s cruel plan. Was there more to it than just seeing the crystals on her clothing?
“What? I know about the sugar sight,” she said. She didn’t know exactly how it worked, but she knew about it. Could she get more information from Maddie?
“No sugar trails,” Maddie finally said, guarding the kitchen like a sentry.
Honor felt as if a light bulb went off inside her head. Of course! She could use her baking to call Spence. She had done that with the Joy and Sorrow Cake but that was just a message. Was there a recipe that said “help, your parents are crazy”? And if it was a trail, did that mean Spence could follow it and find her?
“But I’m having cravings,” Honor argued. “I need something sweet.”
To help allay her cravings, Maddie purchased a box of prepackaged snack cakes. Too sweet and not enough flavor to satisfy her but at least they kept the cravings at bay.
One day, she vowed. One day this would be behind her and she’d be powerful and then no one would stop her.
And maybe, she thought, catching a blurry sight of herself in the reflective surface of a kitchen appliance, if she thought it often enough, it would come true.
***
The pattering of ice against the glass window woke her from a slight doze. Maddie had given her Tylenol for the pain and already, Honor could feel her breasts filling with milk. Aching.
She hurt everywhere but she didn’t think a pain killer existed that would numb her.
Her heart was heavy and pain beat against her. Tears fell into the tangles of her hair and a shiver enveloped her as her sweat covered body began to cool.
The pain of labor had been incredible, but even now, so close to the event, she wanted it back. Wanted it back if it meant she could have and hold her sweet baby boy.
She had woken up, her belly tight with pain and an undeniable wetness between her legs.
“No,” she whispered, stroking her belly. “No, little jelly bean. It’s too soon.”
It was too early. She wasn’t due until February.
But the undeniable truth was her little bean was apparently ready to face the world.
A brief spike of rebelliousness hit her – could she get into her car and leave? If she delivered at the hospital, the records would show her as the mother and then no one could take her baby away from her.
A second contraction hit and Honor knew she had waited too long. She’d never be able to drive between these contractions and there was no one here but Maddie.
In that moment, Honor hated Simon and Ruthanne Spencer with a blinding hot hate. She hated Spence for abandoning her. She hated her mother for betraying and forsaking her. She hated them all with all the blind fury she could possess.
She hated herself most of all. She was doing to her son what everyone else had done to her – abandonment.
On trembling legs, Honor got out of bed and stumbled down the cold dark hallway to find Maddie. “Maddie,” she said, giving the door a quiet but determined knock.
For long moments, Honor remained in the hallway, scared and unsure. Should she go in and get her? Knock louder? They had never gone over the protocol on what to do, probably because she still had so many weeks before her due date.
And yet, here she was, six weeks early, another contraction coming on and waiting in the hallway for a response she wasn’t sure she was going to get.
“Honor?” Maddie’s voice was fuzzy and sleep warmed. “What is it?”
“I think it’s time,” Honor said, her voice shaking.
A light turned on and Honor heard Maddie approaching the door to her bedroom. “That’s ridiculous. You’re too early. Go back to bed.”
“My water broke,” Honey said, pulling at her damp nightgown. “What should I do?”
Maddie sighed, perhaps realizing that maybe this baby just might be coming early. “Come on, I’ll give you an exam and we’ll see what’s going on.”
***
An hour later, she was on the table, her feet in stirrups, and her body wracked with pain, staring at the worried gaze of the midwife.
“Just breathe. Like I told you to.”
Honor nodded. She tried. She huffed her breath like they had rehearsed but ohmygod. The pain! She fought it, wanting it over but simultaneously wanting it to last forever.
This was it, she realized. The bubble she had built around her emotions to keep reality at bay was ending. The last experience she would ever have with her baby and she was wishing it away.
The contraction peaked and then sweet, momentary relief followed. Honor took a breath, determined to focus. To give this baby everything she had. She loved him too much to do less.
“You can do this, Honor,” Maddie said and for a moment, Honor felt a kinship with the woman. She was doing Ruthanne’s bidding but she seemed to genuinely care about the fate of her and her baby.
Honor nodded, her hands soothing her hardened belly. “I love you, bean,” she said, tears falling unbidden down her cheeks as she soothed her son. “I love you.”
***
Transitioning from pregnancy to childbirth was simultaneously the longest and shortest night of Honor’s life. Bearing down, she was sure her body would split in two from the pressure. Crying, begging for relief. Begging for her mom. For Spence. For Emma.
Arms aching to hold her son. Body aching to be held by someone.
And then, the baby crowned and one final, life sustaining push later - he was out. Crying and unhappy to be in the cold cruel world. Naked and alone.
“Let me see him,” Honor begged. “Let me hold him.”
Maddie remained firm and wouldn’t allow it. “You’ll only bond harder,” she whispered, heart in her eyes. “I’m so sorry.”
“No,” Honor cried. “Please. I have to see him. Ruthanne isn’t even here,” she yelled.
Maddie shook her head, her eyes full of tears. “If you hold him you’ll never let him go,” she whispered. “I’ve seen it too many times.”
Honor shook her head, knowing Maddie was probably right, but unable to resist the urge to hold her son.
“What do you want to name him?” Maddie asked, biting her lip. “So I can fill out the birth certificate.”
Honor sniffled and wiped her nose. “Noah,” she said, softly. “Noah Daniel Spencer,” she decided. Maddie nodded once and left the room. Honor tried to sit up but found her abdominal muscles were woefully out of shape.
If hell possessed multiple rooms, surely this was one of them. Darkness – physical and emotional - pushed in at her
. Robbed her of energy and stamina.
She lay, weeping. Heartbroken. Wishing she knew what she’d been thinking when she uttered her agreement to Ruthanne’s deal that broke her heart, but in all honesty, she didn’t.
She was beyond words or even complete thoughts as the agony of loss bore down on her slim shoulders. The colors of her emotions bombarded her senses as she was enveloped in vivid reds, the color of anger and hurt; the green of jealousy and envy; and the pure, undiluted black of a broken heart.
Her baby was gone.
This was an abyss too deep to ever fill. A cavity running through her soul, like a black hole, threatening collapse of the entire solar system.
“I can do this,” she whispered, voice clogged with tears, aching and alone. She heard the lie in her own voice. The desire to give up. She stubbornly clung to the idea that all she had to do was keep saying it. Keep pretending to be strong over and over and then, one day, it would actually be true. What was it her dad used to say? Embrace the suck.
She would embrace the suck.
Honor gasped at the enormity of the pain she was in washed over her. Engulfed her. Consumed her.
Heartache, Honor soon learned, never really went away. The sharp, stabbing pain felt with each beat of her heart soon turned into minor ache but remained constant and steady.
Chapter Six
Allentown, PA
Five years later
She stumbled out of the run down hotel, the chipping paint on the walls a sad reflection of the tattered remains of her purity and pride. It was late and she hurt in places best left unmentioned.
A sob tore at her throat but she swallowed it back. She clung to the remnants of dignity as she began her walk of shame past the all-knowing smirk of the hotel clerk.
How had she gotten so low?
She pulled out her car keys and walked on unsteady legs to her faded red car with the expired plate parked under a nearby streetlamp. Shame and fear engulfed her. Was this what she had become? Was this how a hooker felt after her first trick? Was that what the hotel clerk thought? One woman. Two men. Her leaving a few hours after? How could he not think she was a prostitute?
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