by Rosie Clarke
‘She certainly makes herself heard.’ Harry smiled indulgently. ‘You’ve done wonders with her, Jessie. Whatever the doctor says I know she is much happier than she was before you came.’
‘Yes, she is certainly happier.’
There was a pause as they looked at each other, then Jessie bent her head to sip her coffee, her heart racing at the intent expression in his eyes. Surely she could not be mistaken about that look? She had seen it often enough in Robbie’s eyes, and in Archie’s the night he had asked her to marry him.
‘You know that I am happier too, don’t you?’ he asked softly. ‘You’ve worked a miracle on us. I thought I would never feel like this again.’
Jessie looked up as she heard the note of urgency in his voice. He had risen and was standing next to her, offering her his hand. She hesitated then gave him her hand and he pulled her gently to her feet. For a moment she gazed into his face and then she was drawn into his arms; at first he held her gently in an embrace that made her heart hammer wildly but did not frighten her. His eyes seemed to be searching deep into her mind, trying to penetrate her thoughts as he looked for a sign and perhaps he found it, because he bent his head and kissed her on the lips.
It was not a demanding kiss, instead it seemed to coax, to beg for her response, which she gave willingly. His arms tightened about her, holding her pressed against him so hard that she felt the evidence of his arousal and her breath came more quickly. It was so long since she had felt this way, too long, and she was melting, her resistance weaker than it ought to be.
‘Do you know I love you?’
‘You can’t – you mustn’t,’ she whispered, her throat tight with emotion. ‘It would be wrong for us to love each other…’
‘For us?’ He smiled and kissed her brow. ‘That means you feel something for me, too. Why would it be wrong, Jessie?’
‘You know the answer to that. You’re married. A divorce would tear your family apart and shame us both. I shall have to go away.’
‘Only if you take me with you,’ he whispered fiercely. ‘Do you know how often I have wanted to run away from it all, Jessie? I’ve never wanted to manage the estate, never expected it would fall to me. It should have been my brother, and my father can’t forget that. Everything I try to do is wrong. I don’t mind that but there are times…’ He sighed. ‘Mary isn’t my wife in anything but name these days, she hasn’t been since Catherine was born. Sometimes I think she despises me as much as my father does – that she believes Catherine’s trouble was my fault…’
‘That’s unfair,’ Jessie said and gazed up at him. Seeing that haunted expression in his eyes, she kissed him gently on the mouth. ‘Let me go now. If I am not to leave you we mustn’t do this. I don’t want to be just another maidservant who got into trouble with her employer and had to leave under a cloud.’
‘It wouldn’t be that way for us,’ he told her but he let her go when she pushed against his chest. ‘I don’t want to hurt you, Jessie. It’s the last thing I would do. I love you. I want you to be my wife – and if I can’t marry you then I would live with you away from my parents’ home somewhere. Abroad if it came to that.’
‘And what about your family?’
‘We would take the children with us.’
‘And break Lady Kendle’s heart? Even if you have no feelings for your father you must have them for her?’
‘Yes, of course I care about her,’ Harry said running his fingers through his hair distractedly. ‘I suppose I care for my father and the estate in a way or I wouldn’t have put up with so much – but I love you. I don’t see why we can’t be together.’
‘We can – but only as master and your children’s nurse,’ Jessie told him. ‘We can be friends, spend a little time together with the children away from the house, but it has to end there. You know it does.’
‘So you don’t love me enough? Together we could defy the world, break the old taboos – take what we want and be damned to the rest!’
‘Please don’t look at me that way,’ Jessie begged as his passionate words made her tingle down to her toes. ‘Don’t you know how easy it would be for me to say yes to a home where we could be together? But in time you would want your own class, your friends – and I would seem nothing but a nuisance to you. You might become ashamed, wish that you had never met me. You know I’m not like you. I don’t have the same background, the same culture…’
‘Don’t you know all that nonsense counts for nothing these days? It’s gone, scattered like fallen leaves before the wind. We’re all going to be equal if this labour movement gets off the ground – and maybe that won’t be a bad thing. Kendlebury is a dinosaur out of its time and useless.’
‘I don’t think it’s useless,’ Jessie disagreed. ‘It’s beautiful and your children love their home. They love their grandmother and their mother – yes, they do, Harry, even if you don’t think so. Jack looks for a word from Mary when she comes to the nursery.
‘That is a rare thing! She isn’t interested in them. Even at Christmas she wouldn’t have them with us in the drawing room. They were confined to my mother’s room. She isn’t a loving mother. You know she isn’t.’
‘But that doesn’t stop Jack loving his mother. I don’t think Catherine realises, but Jack certainly does.’
‘He’ll get over it. You’re the one he really cares for, Jessie. He would soon forget her.’
‘Stop it, Harry. You know all this is a just dream. When it came to it you couldn’t just give everything up for someone like me.’
‘Couldn’t I?’ He smiled down at her. ‘Are you willing to give me a chance, Jessie?’
She turned away, her heart racing. When he looked at her like that she wanted to believe him. She wanted to believe with all her heart in the world he had described for her, but a part of her, the saner part that had managed to remain aloof from the raging emotions in her heart, that part of her knew it couldn’t happen. A shiver went down her spine as he put his arms about her, his lips warm against the back of her neck as he lifted her hair and kissed it.
‘Don’t leave me, Jessie. Give me something to hope for, something to make living worthwhile.’
She turned to face him, lifting her face for a kiss that left her breathless and shaken, wanting more – so much more!
‘I’m not sure,’ she said at last, the words forced out of her by the need she sensed in him that was echoed inside her. ‘Give me time. Let’s see how you feel in a few months from now. Perhaps when Jack is ready for school and…’
‘You are asking me to prove my love, is that it?’ He touched her face softly. ‘Well, I shall prove it, Jessie. When Mary comes home I’ll ask her for a divorce.’
‘No, Harry! Promise me you won’t. It’s much too soon. You have to think this through, be certain. I must be certain. This affects both of us, not just you – and we have to think of what’s right for the children.’
He smiled. ‘At least that made you use my name. It’s either divorce or you live with me as my wife in everything but name, Jessie – but I’ll let you think about it until Mary comes home and until then I’ll be good.’
‘If only you meant that,’ she said and he laughed down at her. ‘It’s no good promising if you can’t keep your promise, sir.’
‘So we’re back to sir, are we?’ His eyes were soft and full of teasing laughter. ‘We’ll see, Jessie. And now I shall let you go or the servants will start to gossip, and we can’t have that just yet, can we?’
Jessie shook her head. As soon as he moved away she wished she was back in his arms, that she had tossed her cap over the windmill and given into the prompting of her heart. Yet when she was alone in her room she knew that she had merely escaped for the moment. Harry wouldn’t be content to leave things as they were. He wanted her, claimed to love her and be willing to change his life for her – but even if he was willing could she let him sacrifice so much for her sake?
*
Jessie found it difficult to sleep t
hat night. She blamed the strange bed but knew it was more likely Harry Kendle’s passionate words and the memory of his kisses, which lingered like a blessing on her lips, that had caused her restlessness. She had a disturbing dream that woke her with a start but it faded quickly and she only remembered afterwards that it had had something to do with Robbie. Had he denounced her for her faithlessness, because she had fallen in love again? Jessie wondered but then dismissed the thought. Robbie wasn’t like that. He would want her to be happy.
It was unlikely that her feelings for Harry Kendle could bring her happiness. Jessie tried to push the forbidden interlude from her mind as she got the children dressed and fed that morning.
They were taking Catherine to see the doctor at eleven o’clock and if there was time they would visit the zoo, which had stayed open for the end of the school holiday. It was bitterly cold but bright, a pale sun threading its way through a break in the clouds. Jack wanted to know why they couldn’t go exploring straight away.
‘Because Catherine has to go to the doctor.’
‘Why? She isn’t ill is she?’
‘No, not ill,’ Jessie said. ‘It’s a special doctor, Jack. It’s the reason we came to London, remember? We’ll go to the zoo this afternoon or tomorrow.’
‘Can I come to the doctor too?’
‘Your father wants you to stay here with Mrs Carmichael. We shan’t be too long.’
Jack was a bit grumpy but his father’s word was law and he had the promise of an afternoon at the zoo to look forward to. When he was told that Carmichael would take him to feed the ducks and pigeons in a nearby park, he was content.
Jessie was nervous in the taxicab taking them to the appointment with the doctor. Supposing she was wrong to have raised hopes for Catherine’s abilities? Yet she knew there had been an improvement in the child in so many ways.
The clinic was a private one, smart with thick carpets and a comfortable waiting area. She did not expect to be taken into the consulting room but Harry insisted.
‘You know Catherine better than anyone, Jessie. Doctor Robinson will want to hear what you have to say.’
Jessie held the little girl’s hand, letting her walk at her own pace, which was slow and unhurried since Catherine had no reason to exert herself. Doctor Robinson smiled approvingly as he welcomed them. He was a tall, thin man with a serious face but his smile was genuine and friendly
‘So this is Catherine,’ he said. ‘And how old is your daughter, Mrs Kendle?’
‘She’s two years and eight months,’ Harry replied before she could. ‘Until the last month or so she couldn’t walk much but she’s improved recently, hasn’t she, Jessie?’
‘We’ve been going for long walks,’ Jessie said. ‘I’m Catherine’s nurse, sir. I’ve been teaching her new words and she talks more than she did, don’t you, darling?’ Catherine cooed and smiled but didn’t say a word. She was gazing wonderingly at the strange, large man and her eyes looked very bright, as if she wondered who he was and where he belonged in her world.
‘I see, Jessie. How have you taught her?’
Jessie explained about the picture books and various other things she’d done to encourage Catherine.
‘She can do lots more things now, can’t you, Catherine? I think she may be lazy, sir. She’ll only do what she wants, though she can move fast enough when she feels like it.’
The doctor nodded, bending down to pick Catherine up. She went without protest into his arms, her eyes wide with wonder.
‘Hello, young lady,’ he said. ‘Will you talk to me, Catherine? You’re a very pretty young lady, aren’t you?’
‘Nice,’ Catherine gurgled and patted his face as she always did when she approved of someone, deciding to share her secret with him. ‘Catherine go zoo see elphant with Jessie.’
‘Are you going to the zoo?’ Doctor Robinson asked and glanced over her head at Jessie, who smiled and nodded. ‘There are tigers and monkeys at the zoo, Catherine.’
‘Want see elphant.’
‘Would you like to look at a picture book with me?’
Catherine nodded her head. He put her down and led her across the room to what was clearly a play area for his patients. There were numerous picture books, various puzzles and games, which the doctor spent the next half an hour or so playing with Catherine. He made occasional notes as he observed her movements and reactions, his manner gentle and patient as the child stumbled over the unfamiliar tasks.
Jessie longed to be able to help her, knowing that she could improve Catherine’s responses just by repeating them over and over until she grasped what was needed, but the doctor had warned her she must not. What seemed like games were actually controlled tests to allow him to assess her movements and learning ability. He brought her back to Jessie at last and smiled.
‘Perhaps you and Catherine would wait outside for a few minutes, please, Jessie?’
‘Yes, of course.’
Jessie took Catherine to the waiting room. Her heart was racing and she felt nervous, but Catherine seemed sleepy and was quite content to sit on her knee. Jessie’s apprehension increased as she saw Harry’s expression as he came out of the consulting room after what seemed an eternity. She looked at him anxiously but he said nothing until they were in the taxi being driven home and Catherine had fallen asleep on her lap.
‘Doctor Robinson says she needs a lot of care and attention if she is to get on as she should. Her development has been neglected. Our fault, of course, but we didn’t realise what she was capable of.’
‘What is she capable of?’
‘He says that she is bright and will make considerable improvement given the right care. She needs the right kinds of toys – the kind of thing he was using today – and I shall see that she gets them, of course, but she will probably never progress beyond the age of a child of eleven or twelve. However, she could live quite happily within her limits and be capable of having a satisfactory life.’
‘I see.’ Jessie bit her lip as she saw his stern expression. ‘Did you hope for more? Are you disappointed?’
‘No, that is far more than I was led to believe at the beginning. I’m just a little anxious,’ he said. ‘With care and love Catherine can be happy and fulfilled in herself, but he said something else that worried me.’
‘About Catherine?’
‘Yes.’ Harry looked at her. ‘It seems that we weren’t told everything about her the last time, because they thought she might not live long. She has a weakness in the wall of her heart that could make her more susceptible to illness than normal children. Doctor Robinson told me that she may not live beyond her teens – if she reaches that age it will be a small miracle.’
‘Oh, I am so sorry,’ Jessie said and her hand reached for his to offer comfort. He grasped it tightly and she sensed his grief, though it showed only in the nerve flicking in his cheek, his expression giving nothing away. ‘I can hardly believe it. She seems so well.’
‘I asked if there was anything we could do – an operation – but he said it wasn’t something they knew how to treat yet, that it might get progressively worse as she gets older. On the other hand she could grow out of the condition. In the meantime we have to be patient and realise that it takes her longer to do things.’
Jessie’s eyes widened. ‘Is that why she only does what she has to? Have I made things worse by taking her for long walks?’
‘No. No, you mustn’t think that. He praised what you’ve achieved with her in such a short time and told me it was important that the bond continued. It is better for her to get lots of fresh air, but it’s the reason she needs to sleep such a lot. Until you came I thought it was a sign of her mental disability, but he says no, it’s because she gets tired quickly. She has bursts of energy and then she needs to sleep.’
‘Poor darling.’ Jessie said and blinked back the tears as she looked at the child sleeping in her arms. ‘She is so beautiful. We must make sure she is happy, Harry.’
‘Trust you
to think of that.’
Harry’s voice was choked with emotion. Glancing at him she saw that his face was working with grief.
‘Sometimes doctors are wrong, Harry. Besides, he said she could get stronger.’
‘You won’t leave her? She needs you, Jessie. Promise me you won’t go away!’
‘I shan’t leave her. I love her.’
‘Yes, I know you do. I shudder to think what her life would have been if you hadn’t come to us. I had accepted that she would never do anything much. I didn’t try to help her and Nanny was too old to see what you saw, Jessie.’
‘Don’t blame yourself for that, Harry. Catherine is what matters now. We have to do what we can to make her life good for as long as she survives, and she mustn’t suspect anything, ever. We have to be strong for her.’
Harry looked at her in silence. He knew what she was saying, what she had not said in so many words. Jessie could stay with them only on certain terms. If he pressed his own claims, his own needs, she would have to leave. He thought of insisting on divorce, even more wildly of Mary’s death, which would set him free without scandal or a breach with his whole family. For a moment he longed for it so fiercely that he was shocked by the hatred he felt towards his wife. Mary didn’t love him. He sometimes suspected that she had a lover, but he was trapped. Divorce would destroy his mother and there was Catherine. She needed stability, the peace of her home. She was more vulnerable than he had thought. Yet he did not want to give up his dreams.
‘Perhaps one day…’
‘Please don’t,’ Jessie said. ‘We can be friends, Harry. We can be happy sometimes, away from the house, together with the children. We can share them. We can have that much.’
They could have that or nothing. Harry turned away, closing his eyes for a moment as the pain washed over him. He wanted so much more but it was too difficult to attain; he couldn’t fight them all unless Jessie was willing, and she was too caring, too generous to cause pain for the others. It was perhaps the reason he loved her and there was nothing he could do. Catherine needed Jessie. She needed the love that only Jessie could give her to make her short life as happy as possible.
