by Rosie Clarke
‘Then we must not hope for too much.’ Lady Kendle blew her nose and lifted her chin, clearly determined to control her emotions. ‘I shall be perfectly all right now, Jessie. Please go to Catherine. Priscilla said you were anxious about her yesterday?’
‘She was very sleepy first thing but she seemed better later. This morning she asked for Jack twice. I am not sure what to tell her.’
‘As little as possible I imagine. She wouldn’t understand. She will get used to his not being around in time – as the rest of us will.’
Jessie said nothing. Lady Kendle seemed to think the little girl had no feelings. Jessie knew that was wrong. Catherine might be backward and have a heart problem but she was already missing her brother.
The morning dragged on and on and no one came to give them any news. Jessie kept busy but her mind was with Jack and his father, and her heart was aching for them both. The nursery clock seemed to tick menacingly as if measuring their heartbeats and outside the brilliance of a magical spring landscape was a mockery, reminding them of all they were in danger of losing.
Nanny sat knitting the socks she was making for Jack, as if she were determined that he would come home and need them. Jessie read to Catherine, cuddling her because she sensed the child’s anxiety. Catherine kept looking round, searching for something and every now and then she said Jack’s name.
‘Soon, darling,’ Jessie said but a cold fear had settled about her heart and somehow she knew that Jack wouldn’t be coming home.
It was nearly two o’clock that afternoon when Priscilla came to the nursery with the news they had dreaded. One look at her face told Jessie all she needed to know. She gave a sob of grief and covered her face with her hands as the tears trickled down her cheeks.
‘They operated but he died on the table,’ Priscilla said. She was shocked, numbed, her eyes dark-shadowed through lack of sleep. ‘There was nothing they could do apparently.’
‘Poor darling Jack,’ Jessie choked on a sob. ‘It’s so cruel, so cruel.’
She felt overwhelmed by her grief, but also angry at the wicked waste of life. Why did it have to be this way? Jack was only a child. He shouldn’t have died in a silly accident. Sometimes Jessie felt there was no god. For how could a loving god let this happen?
‘Poor little lad,’ Nanny said and put her knitting aside. She looked very old of a sudden, her eyes sunken and dull. ‘I don’t know what Master Harry will do. This will kill him. He was so much better lately and now…’ She broke off, her voice harsh with emotion.
‘Yes, I know what he must be feeling,’ Priscilla said. ‘I feel awful. I don’t know what to say to him.’
‘Where is he?’ Jessie asked conquering her anger and her grief as she thought of Harry’s suffering. ‘Have you seen him?’
‘No. Mary said he wouldn’t speak to anyone. When the doctor told him he just walked out of the hospital without looking at her and without saying a word to anyone.’
‘Mary – she was there?’ Jessie was startled. Somehow she hadn’t expected that.
‘Yes, of course. She’s Jack’s mother. It’s natural she would be there.’
Jessie made no reply. Only a few days earlier Priscilla had been saying that a divorce would be the best thing that could happen, now she was feeling sympathy for Harry’s wife. Jessie wanted to scream that it was a waste of her pity. Mary hadn’t loved her son. She had hardly bothered to see him.
‘He hasn’t come home?’ she asked at last. ‘Captain Kendle…’
‘No, not yet,’ Priscilla said and took out a cigarette. She lit it and inhaled deeply, her hands trembling. ‘Knowing Harry he will go off on his own somewhere for hours – or days. It wouldn’t be the first time, would it, Nanny?’
‘No,’ Nanny agreed. ‘He disappeared when Master John died – and after his mother’s fall. He was just a lad then. He’ll come back this time, for the funeral.’
That awful word! Jessie hated the sound of it. She wanted to shut it out, to scream that it couldn’t happen, they couldn’t put her child in the cold ground. She couldn’t believe that Jack was dead. She was numb, still in shock, still not really taking in what Priscilla had told them. Only a few hours ago she’d touched Jack, stroked his forehead, had hope that he might pull through. Now he had gone and she felt as though a part of her had died. Jack had become so dear to her – like her own child. He was the son she might have had if Robbie had lived.
Catherine was pulling at her knee. Jessie picked her up and took her into the bedroom, finding comfort in the routine of changing her. Catherine was soaking wet and anxious. She might not understand what had happened but she was aware of changes, of something not quite as it should be.
Jessie put a dry nappy on her and then kissed her. She had been so worried that something might happen to Catherine, but it was Jack who had died. The pain she was feeling inside was hard to bear – but she could not imagine what Harry must be feeling.
*
Mary’s presence in the house made itself felt almost at once. At first everyone felt sorry for her, but that lasted no more than a few hours. She did nothing but complain. No one could please her.
‘She shouted at me,’ Maggie said and blew her nose noisily. She had been crying constantly since the news of Jack’s accident and her face was red and blotchy. ‘She said if I couldn’t stop sniffling I could go back to the kitchen and stay there because she didn’t want to see my miserable face.’
‘She’s grieving,’ Cook said. ‘It was a terrible shock to her.
‘If she’s grieving it’s because she had to come home,’ Alice muttered. ‘I heard her on the telephone. She was complaining that her holiday had been cut short.’
‘Well, I never,’ Cook said staring in disbelief. ‘Can she really be so unnatural? Surely you got that wrong, Alice? It’s just nerves I expect.’
‘Nerves or not she’s a bitch,’ Alice said. ‘I shan’t stop here now she’s home. I’m leaving at the end of the week and I’ve told Mrs Pearson.’
‘Leaving?’ Cook was bewildered. ‘You can’t do that, Alice.’
‘Yes, I can,’ Alice said and went out without another word.
‘So it’s true then,’ Cook said and sighed heavily. ‘The lass has got herself into bother. Carter suspected as much but I didn’t believe him.’
Jessie didn’t answer. She went after Alice, catching her at the top of the backstairs. ‘Are you really going, Alice?’
‘I’ve got to, Jessie. She lost her temper with me,’ Alice said. ‘Can you imagine what she would be like if she knew? I never did like her and now I can’t stand the selfish bitch. Cook feels sorry for her but she doesn’t know; she doesn’t see her as much as I do. I’ve heard the rows between her and Captain Kendle. I’ve heard the way she speaks to him, belittles him. Mary Kendle doesn’t care that her son died or that her husband is out of his mind with grief – all she thinks about is herself.’
Jessie didn’t reprimand her. In her heart she agreed with every word though she wouldn’t say it.
‘You haven’t heard about Captain Kendle – where he is or when he’s coming home?’
‘Madam was telling someone that he’d gone off and left her to arrange everything. She said it was typical of him, that he was weak and she was sick of doing it all herself. Then she blamed him for buying the pony in the first place.’ Alice shook her head. ‘If I were him I would never come back. They all treat him as if he were nothing but a workhorse and she is the worst. What has the poor sod got to come home to now?’
Jessie didn’t answer. She was praying that he would come to her so that they could comfort each other. Surely he must know that she had loved Jack, that she was grieving too? If Harry loved her he would come to her, wouldn’t he?
Harry must know she loved him. Surely he did! He’d said he loved her, wanted to marry her – but that was before his son’s death. Was he blaming her for not being there to look after Jack? Was she just a servant he had tumbled to amuse himself? No, she would
n’t believe that.
Jessie tried to keep the doubts at bay over the next couple of days. Harry hadn’t come home, but his family didn’t seem concerned. He would come when he was ready, they all thought. He would be home for his son’s funeral.
Jessie found his absence hard to bear but she mustn’t expect too much. Harry was wild with pain, out of his mind. Anyone who lost a child would feel the way he did, especially after what he’d been through. It must have brought back memories of his brother’s tragic accident. He couldn’t cope, couldn’t face his pain and so he’d gone off like a wounded beast to lick his wounds in private.
All Jessie could do was wait for him to come back.
‘And where were you when my son was falling off his horse?’ Mary Kendle asked, an angry bitter note in her voice as she looked at Jessie. It was the day before Jack’s funeral and she had summoned Jessie to the study to accuse her of neglect. ‘Priscilla told me she went to fetch him a cool drink because he was thirsty. If you’d been there as you are paid to be you could have fetched the stupid glass of lemonade and none of this would have happened.’
Jessie had blamed herself time and again, but to have the accusation flung at her in such a cruel way knocked the breath out of her. For a moment she stared at her employer, unable to answer.
‘I had stayed at home because Catherine seemed unwell.’
‘Catherine was perfectly well,’ Mary snapped. ‘Nanny told me she was sleepy. My daughter is always sleepy. You could have left her at home with Nanny. She is quite capable of looking after her. It was your fault that Priscilla had to leave my son to fetch that drink – and I am considering your position here. It depends on Mother. As far as I am concerned you are no longer needed in this house.’
‘No longer needed…’ Jessie stared at her in disbelief. How could Mary Kendle be so cruel? Jessie loved both the children and this was like being torn apart, piece by piece. She had lost Jack and now she was to lose Catherine too. ‘But Catherine needs me. She is making progress. The doctor said…’
‘I am well aware what he said, thank you,’ Mary cut her off abruptly. ‘I also know that she is never going to be more than a useless imbecile. I see no point in employing you for her benefit.’
‘Lady Kendle…’
‘Mother says you are useful to her,’ Mary said. ‘But she might change her mind when I tell her that you have been sleeping with her son.’ Mary’s eyes flashed with spite as she saw Jessie’s flush. ‘Did you imagine I wouldn’t know? I knew as soon as he told me he wanted a divorce – which I shall not give him, of course. I have no intention of being replaced by a nursery maid.’
‘Captain Kendle didn’t tell you that,’ Jessie said, her head raised proudly.
‘He didn’t need to,’ Mary replied coldly. ‘I saw the change in him at once and I knew why. Don’t imagine I am jealous. If he hadn’t asked for a divorce you could have carried on with your nasty little affair as long as you pleased. But I intend to be the next Lady Kendle and no little slut is going to take that away from me.’
‘You’re not exactly innocent, are you?’ Jessie said, anger making her careless. ‘Supposing I tell Harry that I saw you with a man on the beach? You were kissing him…’
‘You impertinent slut!’ Mary said, took a step towards her and slapped her hard across the face. ‘You give me no choice. You will leave my house today. Mrs Pearson will give you six weeks wages and Carter will drive you to the station.’
Jessie stared at her. Her hands clenched at her sides. She was tempted to strike her back, but held her temper in check.
‘I am not leaving here before Harry comes home.’
‘You will do as you are told,’ Mary said. ‘If you do not leave now I shall summon the police and tell them that you have stolen items belonging to me. I think you would experience difficulty in finding work after that. Besides, Harry will choose me when it comes to it. He cannot afford to divorce me. It’s only my money keeping this wretched estate afloat…’
‘I shall speak to Lady Kendle,’ Jessie said her head high, but even as she left the room she knew it was useless. Mary’s word was law in this house and though Lady Kendle had found her useful, she would not support her once she knew that Harry had asked his wife for a divorce so that he could marry Jessie.
*
‘She dismissed you?’ Nanny stared at Jessie in disbelief. ‘But she wouldn’t, not now, today. Even Mary couldn’t be that cruel – could she?’
‘She blames me for Jack’s accident. I was paid to look after him and I wasn’t there. In a way she’s right. I should have been with him. I could have left Catherine with you.’
‘You were worried about her,’ Nanny said, distressed. She had become fond of Jessie in the past months. Always so helpful and kind, taking on more than her share of the work; it wouldn’t be the same without her. ‘Have you spoken to Lady Kendle about this?’
‘I can’t,’ Jessie said. ‘Mrs Kendle threatened me. She said that she would accuse me of theft if I didn’t leave now. I refused to leave before I had spoken to Captain Kendle but she could make it difficult for me to find work and she would. Besides…’ Jessie left the rest unspoken. It was impossible to tell Nanny about Mary’s threats to expose her as Harry’s lover – or of her own doubts.
Three days had passed without a word from Harry. Jessie was afraid that he had turned against her, blaming her for the accident as Mary did. Or perhaps he had never really loved her. He might be glad to find her gone when he got back.
‘I shall give my notice in,’ Nanny said recalling her thoughts to the present. ‘I shall go and live with my sister. I can’t stay here if you’re leaving, Jessie.’
‘You must do what is best for you,’ Jessie said, knowing full well that Nanny couldn’t manage Catherine alone. ‘But please stay with Catherine until they find a new girl for her. She needs loving and she’s missing her brother.’
‘It’s you she’ll miss,’ Nanny said. ‘You’ve been a mother to that child.’
‘I love her as much as if she had been my own. I can’t bear to think what may happen to her when we’re both gone.’
‘I’ll stay for a while. But only until they replace me. I’m too old, Jessie. I should have gone years ago.’
Jessie had to agree. It wasn’t fair to expect Nanny to stay on forever, but it made her feel sad for Catherine. Who would love the little girl when Nanny had gone? Her mother certainly didn’t and Harry… he had seemed to care but Jessie couldn’t be sure how he would react. Jack had been his wonderful, clever, lively son. Catherine could never take Jack’s place. If Harry was bitter he might turn against her, neglect her.
But she ought not to be neglected. It broke Jessie’s heart to think of Catherine’s distress after she’d gone. She hesitated, wondering if she should put her case to Lady Kendle after all, but when Mrs Pearson brought her money to her and told her Carter was waiting, Jessie knew there was no hope.
She cuddled Catherine one last time, her heart breaking. What would Catherine do when all the familiar faces were no longer there? It hurt too much to think of her silent suffering and bewilderment, and Jessie was close to tears when she handed the child back to Nanny.
‘Look after her, please.’
‘I’ll take care of her for as long as I can, but it’s you she needs.’ Nanny was upset and angry. Life was unfair, especially for girls in Jessie’s situation and there was nothing she could do about it.
‘You won’t forget my letter?’
‘Of course not. You’d better go now. Catherine is beginning to wonder.’
Jessie nodded. She could see that the child was anxious, sensing something she did not understand.
‘I’m sorry you’ve had to leave,’ Mrs Pearson said as Jessie came down the stairs. ‘But I suppose your family comes first.’
‘What do you mean?’ Jessie was bewildered.
‘You’re going home because your aunt’s ill. Mrs Kendle told me.’
Jessie realised that Mary had
given a false reason for her departure. She almost denied it and then decided to keep silent. She couldn’t tell Mrs Pearson the real reason for her dismissal. Nanny knew the truth and she would give Harry the letter Jessie had left for him. Perhaps it was best if the others believed she had left of her own accord. Maggie had threatened to walk out once before and the family would find it difficult enough to manage as it was.
Jessie said goodbye to Cook and the others. They all said they would miss her and Alice promised to come and visit her in London one day.
‘I should like that,’ Jessie told her. ‘And I’m sorry if my leaving like this means extra work for you all.’
‘You did your share while you were here,’ Cook said. ‘I don’t blame you for not wanting to stay now.’
Jessie shook her head. She was too upset to say very much. If she had she might have blurted out something she ought not to reveal.
‘I shall miss everyone,’ was all she permitted herself to say.
Carter was waiting for her outside. He took her case and put it in the boot of the car.
‘I’ll take you into Torquay,’ he said. ‘It will save you the extra fare.’
Jessie thanked him as he opened the back door for her to get in. She did so without a word and was grateful that he said nothing more throughout the drive. It was taking her all her time to keep back the tears. He carried her case to the ticket office at the station, set it down and then looked at her oddly.
‘I’m sorry you’re going. It’s unfair. Good luck, Jessie.’
Had he heard something? Jessie sensed he knew the truth but she didn’t comment; Carter always seemed to know everything.
‘Thank you for bringing me here. Look after them, Carter.’
‘I always have,’ he said and went off without another word.
