She loved that man so much it hurt sometimes. She blew a kiss back and then headed inside.
After fifteen minutes of calling her sister, Charlie finally gave up and went to her room, where she crawled into a hammock that hung in the corner, something she’d talked Marcus into putting up as her reading chair and opened up a book she’d been waiting to read. She lost track of time, immersed in the story of a small town surrounded by tragedy, and didn’t notice that Marcus had come in and fallen asleep in their bed until she heard him snoring.
There was a knock on their door.
“Charlie!” Annie Stevens’s voice rang out.
“Come on in,” she called. Marcus woke up at the noise and crawled out of bed.
“You’re wanted on the radio. It’s Walter.” Annie opened the door and poked her head inside. Charlie slowly set her book down and looked at Marcus with fear.
The last time Walter had contacted her via sat phone had been to tell her of the accident. He wouldn’t call her like this again unless it was urgent.
“Charlie?” Marcus came over and helped her out of the hammock, wrapping his arm around her shoulder. “Do you want me to talk to him?”
She nodded, unable to speak as they followed Annie back into the office.
“Walter, it’s Marcus. Is everything okay?” Marcus held the phone to his ear and half turned away from her, but Charlie needed to see him, to see his face as he listened to whatever Walter told him, so she made herself move to stand beside him.
Marcus reached out for her hand and held tight.
“Are you sure? When did it...Oh, no.” Marcus tightened his grip around her, and she knew right then that only thing that could have happened.
Diane was dead. That was the only thing Charlie could think of. It was why she hadn’t been able to reach her sister.
“I’ll get her on the first flight over, Walter.”
She would have collapsed then and there if it weren’t for Marcus holding her up.
“I’d love to join her,” he continued to speak to Walter, “but we can’t leave the village without a doctor. I’ll come as soon as I’m able. Thanks.” Marcus swallowed hard as he hung up the phone and held her tight.
Charlie waited, wishing that time would stand still, because she knew whatever he was about to say would change her life forever.
“We need to find you a flight back to Seattle.” He glanced down at her. “Annie, could you start looking for one?” He continued to stare into her eyes as if working up the courage to tell her the news.
“Is she dead?” Charlie asked, her voice barely a whisper.
When Marcus shook his head, she almost sagged with relief. She’d been wrong. Thank God she’d been wrong.
“Is she okay?”
Marcus pulled away just a little. “She’s at the Swedish—”
“Medical Center.” Charlie’s voice was flat. “How bad is it?”
Marcus’s gaze turned tender, and he cupped her cheek with his hand. “Walter said psychosis.”
Charlie closed her eyes at the words. It couldn’t be true; she would have seen the signs. There’d been none. Diane had been fine; Nina would have told her if there were signs. They must be wrong. They had to be.
Diane could not be just like their mother. Charlie wouldn’t accept it. She couldn’t.
“I found a flight. There’re a few connections and a long layover in Heathrow, but it leaves in four hours,” Annie interrupted them.
“I’ll go pack,” Charlie murmured. “Give me fifteen minutes.” The drive to the airport took just under three hours, if they were lucky. She pulled away from Marcus’s arms and ran out of the clinic, unable to linger for the small talk of booking the flights. Marcus would take care of it. He had done it for her when she got word about Brian’s death too.
On autopilot Charlie grabbed her bags and packed everything she could find. If she left anything necessary behind, Marcus would bring it or she could buy it in Seattle.
By the time Marcus arrived in their shared living quarters, her two bags were packed and Charlie was sitting on the bed, too overwhelmed to move.
He sat beside her and gathered her in his arms.
“Do you have everything?” He noticed the open drawers, the space on the handmade shelves where her things used to be.
“I think so. I might have too much, maybe.” She didn’t really care about what she’d packed; all she could think about was that word. Psychosis.
To her, psychosis meant death, but that didn’t describe her sister at all. It never would. Diane was stronger than that.
“I wish I could go with you.” Marcus’s voice was low, quiet, but heavy with emotion.
Charlie nodded. “I wish you could too. Is it possible . . . Could Walter be wrong? Was she admitted? A twenty-four-hour watch maybe? Could they be wrong?” She wanted to cry but couldn’t. Not yet.
“Walter didn’t say much. And yes, it could be nothing. We both know that. Maybe the grief just got to be too much for a moment; maybe this will be good for her. I’m sure it’s nothing serious. But you need to go and be with her.”
“I’ll come home as soon as I can.”
Marcus looked her deep in the eyes. “Stay as long as you need. I’m serious. If you think you need to be there longer than a week, let me know. I’ll come on the first flight I can find.”
“What if they can’t find a replacement? You can’t just leave.”
“I won’t. Don’t worry. We’ll figure it out.” He glanced at his watch. “We need to go if we want to get you to the airport in time.” He stood up, grabbed her bags, and followed her out of their room.
Every step she took she reminded herself not to cry. Not yet. Not with everyone around. That wasn’t her; she didn’t break down at a hint of pressure or crisis. So instead she breathed in deep and quashed down the fear, the hurt, the small pieces of her heart that kept splintering into even smaller pieces. She couldn’t lose it right now. She had to stay strong.
Diane needed her.
After throwing her bags into the back of the Jeep, Marcus turned toward her.
“I’m only a phone call away,” he said, “and I will be there as soon as you say the word.” There were tears in his eyes. “You’re not alone in this, okay? As long as we’re together we can face anything.”
Charlie’s own eyes filled with tears at his words, and she clutched tightly at his hand.
“Okay.” She memorized the look of love in his eyes, the way his lips shaped into a sad smile, the droplets of tears that remained on his lashes. She would love him forever, and was so thankful he was here with her in this.
“She’s going to be okay.” When his lips touched hers in such a tender way, she almost believed him, even though there was a large part of her that feared he was wrong. She’d wait until she was on the plane to work through all the scenarios, to figure out what steps she needed to take and how to take them. Worst case, Diane was hospitalized while she dealt with her grief. Best case, this was all a misunderstanding, and Diane would be horrified to find out she’d come all that way for nothing. Who knew, maybe this would give them a chance to plan her wedding together.
She had to look on the bright side of this, no matter how naive it might sound.
“Do me a favor?” He opened her door for her. “Don’t draw any conclusions until you’re there and see for yourself how things are. Walter could be overreacting.” It was as if he’d read her mind. He touched her chin, forcing her to look up at him.
She gave him a soft smile. He knew her so well.
A long line of children and parents lined the street ahead of them and waved as they drove through. Charlie’s heart squeezed. This was her home, these people were her heart, and it was hard to leave them behind again.
She whispered a prayer that she’d be back soon. She wasn’t ready to leave. She had another five months with them—five months to ensure their healthy children remained that way, five months to help welcome more babies into the village,
and five months to learn to say goodbye.
With her hand wrapped in Marcus’s hand, she leaned back in her seat, closed her eyes, and let fall the tears she’d fought so hard not to shed.
Her sister had to be okay. She had to be.
CHAPTER FOUR
April
Charlie pulled into the parking lot of Swedish Medical and stared at the brick building opposite with its manicured lawns and thought about Diane living inside that building. It broke her heart. Swedish was an excellent hospital, one Charlie had interned at while in school, but her sister didn’t belong there.
She should be at home, grieving for her family and learning to get through life one day at a time.
When Walter had picked her up earlier this morning and dropped her off at Diane’s home, she’d almost broken down then in tears. The last time she’d been here, she’d stood on the porch with Diane, their arms around each other. Now she was here alone, in the home meant to be for Diane’s family, and it was empty.
How was her sister handling being in the hospital? Did she understand where she was? Why she was there? Walter hadn’t told Charlie much, other than that it was his fault and he wished he could turn back time.
What did that mean?
She kept asking him about the diagnosis, whether he was sure it was psychosis and not just postpartum depression, but Walter didn’t understand the difference. That gave her hope.
Now that she was here, she could take Diane home and help her heal, monitor her progress, and create a plan with Nina. She would stay as long as she needed to, but with Nina there to take care of Diane and help her through the process, Charlie didn’t think she would need to be there long.
Postpartum depression was a difficult thing to experience, but with the right medication Diane would be fine.
She made her way to the fifth floor, noticing a few changes along the way from when she’d been there last during her practicum, and stopped shy of the doors on the fifth floor that led to the wing where Diane was being held.
Charlie was exhausted from her transcontinental flight and probably should have listened to Nina when she’d called earlier, and attempted to catch a nap before she came. But she needed to be here, to see Diane and let her know everything would be okay.
With a deep breath, Charlie pushed open the door and made her way to the nurses’ station, where Nina waited for her.
“Thank you for coming so quickly,” Nina said after they shared a brief hug, “but you didn’t need to rush over. You look exhausted.” Nina frowned as she looked her over.
“Like I could sleep. I’ll rest later; first I want to see my sister.” Charlie looked around, trying to determine which room was Diane’s. Just off to the right was a sitting room, and what looked like a cafeteria of sorts down the hallway.
“How much did Walter tell you?” Nina asked.
“Not much, other than that he feels responsible for her depression.”
“I know. I’ve tried to explain, but he’ll believe what he wants to believe until he’s willing to face the truth.”
Charlie didn’t understand Nina’s cryptic remark but didn’t want to get into it—not right now.
“How is she?”
Charlie wasn’t sure whether it was pity she caught a brief glimpse of in Nina’s eyes or something else.
“Let’s head toward her room and I’ll explain.”
“Walter mentioned you were the one to find her at home?” Charlie really needed to have a better understanding of what was going on because right now, in her head, it was worst-case scenario. “We normally talk a few times a week, and I was getting worried when I hadn’t heard from her, but I assumed she got lost in her work.”
Nina kept her gaze straight ahead. “She’s lost, but not in her work.”
“What does that mean?”
Nina stopped suddenly in the middle of the hall. “You know that Brian asked me to stay with her, to take care of her, right?”
Charlie nodded.
“Diane became more than just a patient to me, and after you left I continued to check in on her, go for coffees, to dinner at Luigi with Marcello. I never had a child of my own, but your sister, she’s the daughter of my heart.”
Charlie studied the woman in front of her and could see the pain of the weight she carried. It hurt to breathe, listening to Nina’s words, hearing what she was saying.
“I know she feels the same way.” Charlie swallowed hard, forcing herself not to react to her fears. They had to be just fears, Nina would have told her if it was something more.
She reached her hand out and touched Nina’s arm, “Every conversation we had, Diane spoke of you, and I’m glad you were there for her when I wasn’t. It made my decision to return to work easier.”
“No matter what happens today, I want to you remember something.” Nina grabbed her hands and held tight. “It makes no sense to regret past decisions. You’re here now. That’s what matters.”
“What aren’t you telling me?” Charlie asked. She had a feeling it was bad—really bad—and all of a sudden she didn’t want to walk any farther.
“She is surviving as only she knows how right now.” Nina sighed. “Charlie, medically you know as much as I do, from what I understand. You know what psychosis is like and what the various treatments are, so I’m going to talk to you instead as her sister, okay?”
Charlie could barely nod; the only thing she heard was the word psychosis. Walter had been right.
“Are you sure it’s psychosis and not just depression?” Charlie didn’t even recognize her own voice.
Nina hesitated, and Charlie could see her weighing her words.
“She’s still being monitored and undergoing tests. It’s possible that what your sister is experiencing is just a deep form of postpartum depression, yes. But . . . once you see her, you’ll understand.”
“Who is her doctor?” If it was as bad as Nina was making it out to be, she wanted her sister to have the absolute best care.
“Dr. Dube. I believe you know him.”
Charlie nodded, thrilled to know Diane would be under his care. She’d worked under his mentorship for over a year before she joined Doctors Without Borders and knew he was the top of his field.
“I’ve worked with Dr. Dube for years and I trust him,” Nina explained. “While you were here, I was working with a private client doing home care, but I knew I recognized your name when I first met Brian.”
“You’re stalling,” Charlie accused. She appreciated knowing Nina’s connection with the doctor, but it didn’t matter right now.
Nina blanched. “You’re right; I am. I’m going to be blunt with you: Diane is living in her own world. She believes Brian is still in London, that her daughter is alive, and that she’s living in her home, rather than on this floor. Everything she says, does, or feels is in the moment with her daughter.”
“I’m sorry?” Charlie stepped back in surprise. “What did you just say?” Diane’s child died. Brian was dead. Diane knew this. They’d cried together, told stories of Brian to each other, talked about how Diane’s arms felt so empty from not holding her baby.
“Charlie, I need you to listen to me. Diane is not present with us, no matter how coherent she may appear.”
Charlie’s heart stopped. There it was, the words she hadn’t wanted to hear but knew were true anyways.
“Are you sure?”
Nina stopped in front of a door, blocking the window so Charlie couldn’t look in.
“I need you to be prepared,” Nina warned.
“Prepared for what? My sister can’t be living in a fantasy world of her own making; that doesn’t make sense.” Charlie denied what she was hearing; she didn’t want to accept it.
“Psychosis doesn’t make sense. We both know that.” Nina looked behind her, through the small window in the door, and Charlie watched as she visibly softened while watching her sister. She could see the love in Nina’s gaze. “The moment you walk into that room, you might
see four walls, a bed, and a small desk, but to Diane that is her home, her office, her bedroom. Occasionally I can get her to leave and join me in the social room or the cafeteria for some tea, but then it’s as if we’re in her kitchen. She lives in her head one hundred percent of the time.”
Charlie tried to register that, tried to wrap her head around what that meant in connotation with her sister.
But she couldn’t because she wasn’t overwhelmed. Her hands shook as she wrapped her arms around her body.
“She’s changed.” Nina said. “She’s a mother taking care of her child; that’s all she’s focused on. She’s softer, not the hard-nosed career woman who made her way to vice president in her company. She’s very insecure now. I need...” Nina hesitated. “I need you to be gentle with her. Watch your words. Don’t try to force reality onto her; we want it to come gradually.”
An ache the size of a fist lodged in Charlie’s heart and she found it hard to breathe. She leaned against the wall for support.
“Breathe, Charlie. It’s going to be okay.” Nina was there, her hand on her arm as she gently coaxed Charlie through the beginning pains of a panic attack.
After a few moments, the fist in her heart loosened and Charlie pushed herself off the wall.
She shook her head. “I won’t force anything,” she agreed. She remembered working with women suffering from postpartum depression during her clinical days. The degrees of depression were astounding, and Charlie knew every woman dealt with things differently.
Nina watched her carefully. “I need you to know something. There is a doll in Diane’s room.”
“A doll?”
Nina nodded. “She believes the doll to be Grace.”
“The one Walter ordered? That’s what he was talking about? How this is all his fault?”
Early on in Diane’s pregnancy, Walter had decided on a gift for the baby. A ‘Reborn doll’ that would look like baby Grace. He had a friend who created the dolls and sold them, and he wanted to not only help support his friend but give a unique gift to Diane. A rendering of the baby was made from a 3D ultrasound image, but Charlie assumed Walter would have canceled the order after the accident.
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