This was the first time since Charlie had come tonight that Diane had mentioned Grace.
“Mags made the best cakes, didn’t she? I used to love when she’d make the cinnamon crumble cake for us after school, or her carrot cupcakes—minus the raisins.” Charlie needed to keep the conversation flowing and away from Grace. She really didn’t want that doll to be involved tonight.
“Mine had raisins,” Diane said.
“She spoiled us. Same with how I love vanilla and you’d always ask for chocolate-”
“So she’d make a marble cake,” Diane finished for her. “With swirled icing. No one baked like Aunt Mags; that’s for sure.”
They sat there, smiling at each other while they remembered the aunt who loved them more than life. It was also a good beginning for what Charlie had in mind.
“I know she could never replace Mom and Dad, but she did a good job, don’t you think?” Diane asked.
“She had enough love to fill the void in our hearts,” Charlie mumbled quietly, thinking about the words their father had written. “Diane, do you remember how Mags used to tell us that if we let our hearts lead us in life, we could never go wrong?” Charlie asked.
Diane nodded.
“Do you think we’ve done that?” Charlie couldn’t get her aunt’s words out of her head lately.
Diane shrugged. “I think we have, to the best of our ability. Don’t you?” She looked questioningly at Charlie, as if trying to figure out where she was going with the conversation.
“Sometimes I wonder.”
“Charlie, is something wrong?” Diane leaned forward. “Are you sick? Is there something going on that you haven’t told me about?” A distressed look appeared on her face, and Charlie searched for something to say to set her at ease.
“Are you leaving?” Diane asked.
“What? No. I promised I’d stay as long as you needed me to.”
“Explain the cupcakes then.”
A sheepish grin crept onto Charlie’s face for a few moments before it disappeared. She set her plate back down on the coffee table and reached for her sister’s hand. She suddenly felt like a small child caught with her hand in the cookie jar.
“I found something that I wanted to talk to you about.”
She wasn’t exactly sure why she’d brought it, but she’d known that if there ever came an opportunity, she would take hold of it. Nina had no idea, and Charlie hoped she wouldn’t get in trouble for what she was about to do.
She pulled from her purse the journal she’d taken from the box in Diane’s room earlier and held it out.
Diane let out a long sigh. “Please tell me you didn’t read it.” Trepidation filled her voice.
“I didn’t read your journal. We promised each other we wouldn’t.” Charlie shook her head as she opened the journal, flipping through the pages until she came to where she’d replaced the note she’d found before. The note with the words that had haunted her since reading them.
“I did find this, however.” She pulled the note out and held it out for Diane to take.
Diane didn’t say anything, just sat there and read it. By now Charlie knew the words Diane read by heart.
There is nothing I want more in life than to be a mother.
There’s no greater gift.
Laying my life down with gladness in my heart and a smile on my face is an honour, a gift to those I love.
My children will know that I sacrificed all for their happiness.
Hush now. Your tears rip me in half. Just close your eyes and let go. All will be well when we open our eyes once again.
Then we’ll be together in a world where there will be no more tears.
I love you more than life.
When she was finished reading it, she just placed it on her lap and sat there quietly.
Charlie couldn’t take the silence. “Why didn’t you burn it, or throw it out, at least?” That was the one thing Charlie couldn’t wrap her head around. “Why keep it as a reminder? Why torture yourself like this?” If it had been her, she would have torn the paper into tiny little pieces and set it out of her mind, never to think about it again. She wouldn’t have kept it.
But there lay the difference between her and Diane. That was another thing she’d realized today. Diane had never run from their past; she’d used it to her advantage, not to guard her heart but to ensure that she found a love that was better than what she’d known, used it to create a stronger love, a stronger life. She’d always tried to tell Charlie that they weren’t victims, but instead victors—but Charlie preferred to live a life of ignorance.
Not anymore.
“I couldn’t.” Diane smoothed the blanket that was on her lap and picked at stray pieces of lint. “Those words, they were the last things Mom said. I didn’t . . . I couldn’t . . .” She obviously struggled to find the words to explain herself.
“I would have.” Charlie sighed. “And I would have been wrong. I know that now. But if it had been me, I would have been okay remembering how Mom was that morning when we said goodbye. How she gave me an extra hug and kissed the top of my forehead, how she smelled and the slight whiff of coffee on her breath. I would have been okay with that.” Charlie wiped at the tears that suddenly pooled in her eyes. “I would have remembered her last words to me for the rest of my life and forgotten all about this note. She told us she loved us.” Charlie sniffed. “Do you remember that? That she loved us more than life.”
Diane nodded.
“She lied, didn’t she?” Charlie bit her lip, then looked away. “I never thought about that until now. That she lied to us. Did she know that morning what she was going to do, or was it a decision she made later? Did she even think about us, how it would affect us?” These were questions Charlie always wondered but never voiced. Maybe she should have. She wasn’t even sure why she was saying them now.
“She never lied to us, Charlie. You have to believe that.” There was a sense of conviction in Diane’s voice that made Charlie wonder whether she knew something she’d never shared.
“Is that what you believe, Diane?”
“I do.”
“How? How could you know that? We were only kids.”
They sat there, watching each other, reading the expressions on each other’s faces. What was Diane reading from hers? Did she see the concern, the worry, the fear that Charlie felt every moment she was at her sister’s side? Did she understand just how worried Charlie was for her?
Somehow she doubted it.
“Remember when you first arrived and we talked about Mom? I said she couldn’t cope, but you said it was postpartum psychosis,” Diane said, her gaze still on the note.
Charlie nodded.
“So it’s possible she wasn’t in her right mind when she wrote this note, correct?” Diane finally looked up.
Charlie nodded slowly. Where was Diane going with this? Why did Diane suddenly seem as if she were awake and clearheaded, completely different from how she was even minutes ago?
“Aunt Mags told us it was like a switch went off in her brain and her whole world changed within moments. That’s what happens, right?”
Was Diane asking her this as a nurse or a sister? How was Charlie expected to respond?
She decided with honesty. “Sometimes. Other times it’s a gradual change, something most people wouldn’t recognize until it was too late,” she muttered.
Diane’s brow wrinkled.
“How could most people not recognize it? I mean, I know we were kids, we weren’t going to notice it, but our father should have.”
Charlie shook her head. A blanket of sadness weighed her down and she wasn’t sure whether it would ever go away. “Ignorance is bliss,” she said. “Those who are closest want to ignore the signs, blame it on something else if they can.” She tilted her back to rest on the couch. “It’s easier, or so we say to ourselves. Just give it time; it’ll all work out. One day at a time, that’s what Walter said. One day at a time. But it’s so hard. .
. .” Her voice drifted off.
“Charlie?”
She turned toward Diane and smiled. She’d probably said too much, from the concern in her sister’s voice.
“Enough melodrama. There’s something I need to tell you.” This couldn’t have come at a worse time. Tonight was important, talking about their past and their mother. “I need to head out for a few days. Marcus...we had a disagreement and he left for San Antonio.”
“What?” Are you guys okay?”
Charlie nodded. “We will be. He accused me of running and said I had to stop.”
“So have you?” Something like a smile graced Diane’s lips for a moment as Charlie nodded. “I’m so glad,” she said. “You’ve been running from our past for years, but I always knew Marcus loved you enough to stop you. Like Brian. We need strong men in our lives to help us, to hold us up, but to also to stop us from hiding from ourselves.”
Charlie just smiled. There was nothing she could say.
“That’s what tonight was about, wasn’t it? The questions about Aunt Mags and Mom? You never like to talk about our past, about our childhood.”
“I still don’t.” Charlie breathed in deep. “But I won’t run from it anymore. That’s why I need to leave for San Antonio. Will you be okay while I’m gone?”
Diane hid her hands beneath her legs and struggled to put a fake smile on her face, but Charlie saw through it. She saw the way Diane’s hands trembled.
“It’s only for a few days,” Charlie attempted to reassure her sister. “I’ll be back before you know it.”
Diane shook her head. “What if Grace and I came with you?” The moment the words rushed out she covered her mouth with her hand.
“Oh, honey, I...” She honestly never thought Diane would suggest coming.
“No, no, it’s okay. It wouldn’t work anyway.” Diane swept her hair back behind her head and fiddled with the blanket. “Hey, if we don’t start the movie soon I’m going to head off to bed.” With obvious exaggeration, she yawned. “Do you have time, or do you have to leave right away for your plane?”
Charlie gave her a smile and reached for the remote. Her sister obviously wanted or needed to change the subject, and that was okay with her. She felt like an emotional wreck herself after the conversation.
“I’ve got time. I booked a late flight.” She would text Marcus once she landed and pray he’d respond. She didn’t even know what hotel he was staying in, although she could guess. They stayed at only one location whenever they flew to headquarters.
“You will come back, though, won’t you?”
Her heart broke hearing the insecurity in her sister’s voice. “I will always be here, Diane. Always.”
That, at least, was a promise she could keep.
CHAPTER TWELVE
Nervous energy had Charlie’s leg bouncing in the cab on her way to the hotel. She’d thought through all the scenarios in her head, but the one that kept tripping her up was how to get Marcus’s room number. She hadn’t texted him yet to let him know she’d decided to come, and it would be—she checked her watch—after midnight by the time she made it to the hotel.
She could only hope she’d be able to sweet-talk someone at the desk into giving his number up.
The one thing she’d been worried about actually went surprisingly easy. A woman Charlie recognized from some volunteer missions trips worked the night shift at the hotel and smiled at Charlie the moment she walked in.
“I think this is so romantic,” the woman repeated as she typed up Marcus’s name. “I can’t believe you came down here to surprise him. You guys are like a fairy tale come true. You know we talk about you all the time in the office, right?” the girl, not much older than her early twenties, gushed while she wrote down the number.
“Are you still volunteering at headquarters then? I don’t know how you do it, having two jobs.”
The woman shrugged. “It keeps me busy, which is what I like. Have a good night,” the girl said to her as she handed her not only the slip of paper the number was written on, but also a key card. Charlie smiled at the girl, who held her finger up to her lips.
Her friend could get in a lot of trouble if the hotel ever found out, but Charlie was good at keeping secrets.
She clutched her bag tight in her hands as the elevator made its way to the fourth floor. Would Marcus be upset that she came? Would he be happy? Had he already made his decision without seeing whether she’d stop running?
She wasn’t sure she could handle it if he turned her away, but she prayed he wouldn’t.
She stood outside his door and knocked, listening to see whether she could hear him inside. He might be sleeping—that was a strong possibility, and in that case her knock wasn’t loud enough. But just in case, she pulled out her phone.
Marcus, let me in, please. Yes, she could use the key to get in, but she didn’t.
She waited for the message to be delivered, waited to see whether he would respond. There was still no sound from inside, but she imagined his phone vibrating on the bedside table, as long as it was turned on.
She knocked again on the door, this time a little louder.
I’ve never shut you out, came his reply.
She thought about it, and it was true. She’d always been the one to hold him at arm’s length, to keep a little piece of herself locked away from him. But not anymore.
I’m ready to stop running. It was the complete truth, and she hoped he believed her.
You’ve always held the key to my heart. Just walk in, Charlie. I’m waiting. I’ve always been waiting.
Was it possible he knew she was here?
She used the key in her hand to let herself in his room. As she opened the door, he stood on the other side, steps away, waiting for her. She took a few tentative steps into the room and dropped her bag on the floor.
“Took you long enough,” he said. She wished he’d come to her, but he didn’t; he stayed right where he was.
“Long enough to come in or...”
“Long enough to come here, to San Antonio, to me.” He held out his arms. “I’ve been waiting for you all day.”
She rushed over and wrapped her arms around him. “I had to make sure,” she said, “that I could stop running. I had to face my fears, face my past, and realize that everything I’m so scared of was really something that made me who I am.”
Marcus held on to her tighter and kissed her forehead. “Did you read the letters?”
“From my father?” She looked up at him. “I did. I read all of them. Did you?” She didn’t mind if he had.
He shook his head. “Only the top one from the hospice. That one was already open, but none of the letters were. I figured there was a reason.”
She sighed. “The only reason was that I was too scared to read them. It was easier to ignore, to continue believing he’d just walked out on us and never looked back.”
“But he didn’t, did he?”
“No. He had his own demons to face, but I believe him when he said he always loved us.” She hugged him tighter, so thankful for the strength of his arms around her.
“I love you, Marcus. I’m still not sure if I can ever have children, but I do know that I want a life with you, no matter what it entails, no matter where we are...as long as I’m with you.” She stared first at her engagement ring and then up into his eyes. “Please tell me you’ll take me as I am, love me as I am, but always push me to be better.”
He shook his head but his voice was soft, tender. “I’ll love you as you are and stand beside you no matter what comes our way, and together we can help each other to grow and be better than we are right now, okay? I love you, Charlotte Hunter. I don’t ever plan on living my life without you by my side.”
“Okay, but what about having children?” she whispered, her eyes misty with tears.
“There’s no rush and when we decide we’re ready, we can adopt. Whether or not we have our own natural child or we find one to love…that’s not a de
al breaker. Not for me, at least.”
Charlie smiled through her tears, but for once they were happy tears. She loved this man with all her heart and marvelled at the depth of his love for her as well.
For the girl who never thought she’d ever have her happy ending, it looked like all her wishes were coming true.
***
Nina had sent Charlie a text in the morning with one message: All is well, just as we talked about. Take your time.
She knew Nina was referring to Diane’s mood. Nina had told her yesterday that she expected Diane to be subdued today, and apparently she was.
Which lessened the guilt of not being there, which was exactly what she needed to hear.
After a leisurely breakfast, Charlie and Marcus made their way to downtown San Antonio, visited the Alamo, and walked along the River Walk before stopping at a Mexican place for dinner. They’d decided to stay a few extra days in San Antonio, enjoy the time together, and so far that was exactly what they’d done.
“Will your sister be okay with me staying at her house until we find a place of our own?” Marcus asked, his fingers entwined with hers as they sat at a little café and watched tourists in boats coast past them.
“I think she’ll be fine with it, but I’d like to start looking right away. But, Marcus, won’t you miss Africa? Or going with the next team to some exotic location and living without a decent shower for days on end?” she teased.
“Don’t you miss Africa?” he asked.
She nodded.
“Then maybe one day we’ll go back on vacation or a short mission trip. But for now, Seattle will be home.”
True peace settled into her heart.
“What will you do? What will we do?”
Marcus leaned forward, placing his arms on the table and linking his hands together. “About that. I had a long talk with Sabrina yesterday about an idea I had. We need to create our own path, our future here in America, but I don’t think either one of us is ready to give up the mission work either, right?”
Charlie nodded.
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