by Alia Rose
Close your eyes for the journey left to take.
And when you return, I’ll be right here.
May you dream so far that you can see
That the world you leave will set you free.
And when you return, I’ll be right here.
So sail the seas and feel the breeze,
To wash the worries that you fear.
And when you return, I’ll be right here.
Don’t waste your time, for it will leave.
The waves will rage and the wind will grieve.
But when you return I’ll be right here.
No matter how far you are from me,
It is only as far as you let it be.
So when you return I’ll be right here.
I’ll be right here, I’ll be right here.”
My voice cracked as I finished the last line, and I could feel tears running down my cheeks.
“I’m here, Mom,” I whispered. “I’m here.”
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
Amy
It was the day after Seth’s performance, and I was covering Paul’s shift at the beach. I didn’t usually work Fridays, so I wasn’t too happy about it. I had agreed because the shift was short and I could use the extra money for when school started. Plus, it gave me a little time to think about Seth and the concert. After I heard his songs that were about me, I realized that I didn’t really understand my feelings for him. I hadn’t ever felt anything like this for someone before, and I didn’t know what to do about it. I didn’t necessarily want to discuss it either—but I knew that would be impossible since I had dinner plans with Kelly and Sarah in a few hours.
“Amy?” a voice called out, and I looked down to see Jared squinting up at me.
“Jared? Hey, what’s up?” I said, a little surprised. Jared and I had never really talked without Sarah at his side, and since they had broken up the first week of summer, I hadn’t talked to him at all.
“How’s Sarah?”
I looked at him curiously. I knew he had cheated on her and I knew that, deep down, Sarah was hurting. I narrowed my eyes, annoyed at his question.
“Why do you care?” I finally answered.
He looked at me, confused. “Why wouldn’t I care? What did she tell you?”
“Look, Jared. You cheated on her. It doesn’t matter if you regret it or not. It happened, and Sarah broke up with you. She’s my best friend.”
“I cheated on her?” Jared said, his voice rising. My eyes widened. “That’s what she’s been saying?!”
“Jared—” I started.
“Amy,” he said calmly. “On graduation night I told her I loved her, and she freaked out and broke up with me.”
I blinked at him, observing his face. He looked genuinely hurt, and it made sense why he had seemed depressed every time I had seen him around. This also could explain why Sarah didn’t want to talk about it.
“Look,” Jared said, filling the silence. “I just wanted to know how she was doing. I won’t bother you again.” He began walking away.
“Jared, wait!” I called out. “I believe you…I’m sorry.”
He nodded. “Does it really matter?”
He walked away, not waiting for a response.
With the rest of my shift, I thought of different ways I was going to approach Sarah with this. I was a little upset she had lied to Kelly and me about the breakup, but more than that I was concerned about why she had done it—and how she was dealing with it.
“So…I don’t get it,” Kelly said, looking at me over dinner. We had decided to get our usual breakfast twelve hours early.
“Get what?” I asked.
“You and Seth,” she said, pointing her fork at me. I stared at her fork and then looked at Sarah. Sarah just shrugged and buttered her toast.
“Are you dating? Hooking up?” she asked impatiently. “What—friends? I saw the way he looked at you, so friends should be out of the question.”
“Well...” I started, squirting ketchup on my hash browns. “I’m not really sure. We haven’t talked about it.”
Kelly let out a dramatic sigh.
“Sorry to kill your excitement, Kells.”
Sarah snorted. “I’m with Kelly on this one. I’m confused.”
So am I, I thought, then thought again of Jared.
I shrugged. “When it comes out in words, it doesn’t make sense, but for some reason when I’m actually with Seth it does make sense, even though we’ve never discussed what we are.”
They both just stared at me.
I took a sip of my coffee, taking their silence as an opportunity.
“So I ran into Jared at the beach today.”
Kelly raised her eyebrows at me, surprised I would bring this up. I focused on Sarah.
“Why did you tell us he cheated on you?”
Sarah stopped mid bite. “He did.”
“Sarah.”
“Why don’t you believe her?” Kelly asked, an edge in her voice.
I turned to Kelly. “Because Jared told me that on graduation night, he told her he loved her and she broke up with him.”
“What?!” Kelly whipped her head toward Sarah.
Sarah looked from me to Kelly and then back to me.
“Fine!” She sighed, running her hands over her face. “He didn’t cheat on me,” she mumbled.
“Sarah,” Kelly said quietly. “Why wouldn’t you tell us?”
“Because it doesn’t change anything. I’m going to NYU in a month and he’s not. We would have broken up eventually anyways.” She picked up her fork and pushed her food across her plate.
“You don’t know that,” Kelly said.
“What? Do you think you and Kevin are going to be together forever, just because you are both going to UNC?”
Kelly gaped at her. Sarah turned to me. “And Seth? You don’t even know what’s happening with that, and a month from now it won’t even matter. You’ll be in two different places.”
Kelly looked at me, her face flushed, unsure of what to say. The feeling was mutual, but I also understood where Sarah was coming from. We both had people in our lives who had left, so I could understand the hesitation and fear of letting someone in who wasn’t guaranteed to stay.
And as we stayed silent for the rest of the meal, it finally dawned on me: I wasn’t unsure about my feelings for Seth. I was afraid of them.
CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX
Seth
I lay on the bed in my hotel room staring at the ceiling.
It was the morning after seeing the house and I was exhausted. The night before was blurry, a flash of moments that felt like they had been lived by someone else. I remembered Will driving me back to my hotel room, not saying a word even though he could tell I was not fine. And now here I was, wondering what to do next. I was afraid of the emotion still trapped inside of me, afraid it would emerge again if I let my brain even think about it. A part of me had thought facing the house would be enough, but clearly it wasn’t.
I forced myself off the bed and took a long shower. If I hadn’t had to work I probably would have stayed in bed all day. I looked around my room at the mess, glad for the fact that weekly guests didn’t get their rooms cleaned unless they made a special request. The owner of the motel had agreed to lower my rate since I was staying another month, and the tips from working at Conner’s was covering most of it. I had a hard time believing that I had already been here for ten weeks.
I grabbed my phone and headed out the door. I wondered if Amy had gone to the beach last night. My stomach twisted at the thought of having to tell her about all this. I tried to think about what would be the right time but quickly realized there probably would never be one.
My phone buzzed when I opened the door to Conner’s. I quickly glanced at it and saw that Will had sent me a video link. I clicked on it automatically and started to walk again. I suddenly stopped when the video showed Conner’s stage and my voice came out of the speakers.
The video was fro
m the previous night. My eyes scanned the content and I scrolled down.
2,000 views.
30 comments.
“You posted this?!” I walked into the kitchen and saw Will at the computer.
He looked up. “Yeah. I always post videos from our open mic nights. Social media presence for the place.”
“You didn’t tell me.”
Will raised his eyebrows. “I didn’t know it would be a problem.”
“It’s not,” I said quickly. “Just wasn’t expecting it…or 2,000 views.”
“The most anyone has gotten preforming here!” Will said, grinning. “You might go viral.”
I frowned. “Seems odd. It’s not that great of a video.”
Will chuckled. “Don’t overthink it, man.”
Hard not to, I thought. I hadn’t ever put up videos of myself singing. I knew there were a few out there from other open mic nights, but none had gotten anywhere near as many views. Were these new songs really that much better?
He clamped my shoulder. “You good?”
I knew he meant about last night. “Yeah. Thanks for the ride.”
He nodded. “When you go back, you can use my car.”
He gave me a pointed look, and I knew he was right. No matter how painful, no matter how much I didn’t want to face it again, it existed. It was what I had come for and it was mine. I would have to go back.
After work, I walked to the beach, wondering if Amy was still there. It had to be almost two in the morning. When I reached the dock, I scanned the beach, looking for a figure. I didn’t see anybody at first, but then I noticed a dark blob on the sand. I squinted, trying to figure out if it was a person or just a beach towel. Then it moved, elongating, and I knew it was Amy. I hesitated at the dock. Something about her position made me uneasy. I had never seen her lie that close to the shoreline before, and I knew she had to be getting wet. I rolled up my work pants and took off my shoes. The sand was cold on my feet, but it felt good. When I got to where Amy was, she looked asleep. I sat down next to her and just stared out into the water.
I thought back to that night, the night everything had changed for me. The waves were loud but as I stared, losing myself in the sound, I could hear my mom’s laughter as she went deeper and deeper into the ocean, calling out to me to join her. I sighed, wishing I could now.
Amy wriggled her toes in the sand and I looked at them, and then turned to look at her face. She was awake, not asleep, but didn’t look at me. She just stared up at the sky. She seemed different, and I wondered what was wrong, but I didn’t ask.
I looked at her again and she met my eyes. She looked sad, her eyes searching. I felt uncomfortable, seeing the other side of the girl who had such confidence. She seemed suddenly fragile. I waited for her to say something.
“Do really mean what you say in your songs?”
I looked down at her, her curly hair spread wildly beneath her. There were so many things to say in that moment, so much I knew she needed to know. The fear of it all hovered inside of me, but there was only one way I could answer.
I reached down and touched her cheek, leaning over her. She welcomed it, closing her eyes at my touch as I slowly leaned closer and kissed her.
As her lips touched mine, the feeling ignited every nerve in my body. I felt my arms give out and I pulled away to keep myself from falling on top of her.
I lay down next to her, my heart pounding and mind racing. I had never felt that affected by a kiss before, and I knew what I didn’t want to admit to myself. I could feel Amy breathing next to me, so I turned my head to look at her to find her looking at me. She was smiling and her eyes were shining. I let out a heavy, overly dramatic sigh and scooted closer to her. She held back a giggle, as I brushed her hair out of her face. She leaned against me and put her head on my chest. I put my arm around her, pulling her close. I felt my body heat up against her cold skin. She inhaled deeply and buried her head in my chest.
Having her there felt unlike anything else. It felt so right just lying there with her, feeling her steady breathing. I caressed her, feeling the ridges in her backbone. I lost track of how long we were lying there, but I began to feel myself dozing off. I craned my neck to see her face. She had her eyes closed and was still: fast asleep. I smiled, staring at her face lit by the moonlight, shadows of the waves appearing across it.
She was so beautiful.
I kissed her forehead, keeping my lips on her cold skin for a moment, before leaning my head against hers. As I fell asleep, I felt nothing but Amy’s head on my chest and the slight ripple of water barely hitting my toes.
CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN
Amy
I woke up to the sound of waves and the feeling of damp shorts. I opened my eyes and realized I was still at the beach. I sat up quickly and looked around me. It was still dark and I could see the first sliver of light on the horizon. I looked next to me to find Seth, still asleep, twitching. I pressed my lips together, remembering the previous night, and smiled.
I watched him sleep for a moment before tapping him gently to wake him up. It didn’t work, so I grabbed a handful of water and splashed his face. He yelped and opened his eyes. I couldn’t help but laugh at his facial expression. He shook off the water and tackled me, pinning me down. I squealed and tried to get loose, but he just held onto my wrists tighter. He looked down at me and smiled. I narrowed my eyes and made a face. He chuckled and moved his face closer to mine. I thought he was going to kiss me, but instead he whispered in my ear. “Good morning.”
It sent a shiver through my body, and I shoved him away from me. He laughed and brushed his lips against my cheek. He nuzzled his face in my hair and we lay there, watching the sunrise, in silence. I could feel myself drifting back to sleep, the warmth of Seth next to me, comforting me. He stood up suddenly and held out his hand. I looked at his hand and then at him.
“Breakfast?”
I took his hand and he pulled me up, interlacing his fingers with mine. Things had become clear, even without words, and in that moment I chose Seth over my fear, knowing that whatever might come next wasn’t worth ruining what we had now.
After breakfast I walked home, my cheeks hurting from smiling so much. I felt ridiculous not being able to think about anything else besides the kiss of the night before. When I reached the house, Sarah was waiting on the steps.
I stopped a few feet away from her, surprised. She seemed equally surprised.
“Out all night, huh?” She was holding back an amused expression, and I rolled my eyes.
“I fell asleep on the beach.”
“Huh,” she said, still smiling. I shook my head, not able to contain my smile.
“Seth kissed me,” I whispered. She gasped dramatically.
“Amy, you bad girl!”
I joined her on the steps and shoved her lightly. “Oh, shut up.”
She laughed and nudged me. “I’m happy for you.”
I turned my head toward her. “Are you?”
She looked down at her hands. “I’m sorry for what happened at dinner. I wasn’t expecting to be put on the spot like that.” She sighed. “The thing with Jared terrifies me. I knew he loved me before he told me. I could tell, but I just didn’t want to face it. I didn’t want the way things were to change, to be serious, and to be something that would hurt to lose. I didn’t expect it to hurt anyways.”
I touched her hand and she looked up at me.
“What are you going to do?” I asked quietly.
Sarah looked straight ahead. “I’ll talk to him and make things right.” She looked at me, her expression softer. “It doesn’t change the fact that I’m still leaving in three weeks.”
I nodded. The bliss of the morning slowly dissipated as reality began to set in.
The front door creaked and we both turned around. “Amy?” My mom’s head peaked around the door. “What are you girls doing out here?”
“Just talking, Mom.” My mom looked from me to Sarah and then back at me.
“I made coffee,” she said, walking back into the house, leaving the door open.
Sarah giggled and I shook my head, smiling as we followed her into the house.
CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT
Seth
For the next week I split my time between the house and Amy. The more often I went to the house the easier it was, and after the fourth time I was actually looking forward to it. I organized my time there by room and turned each room upside down, digging for more memories of my mom’s childhood and of her family, the one I hadn’t known. It was strange seeing pictures of her, the life in her eyes, growing up so differently than I had imagined.
With John out of town, there wasn’t much I could do about having a conversation with him, a conversation to pick his brain on what else he knew and what he wasn’t telling me. At the beginning of the summer, a part of me had the smallest hope that we would be able to patch up our dysfunctional relationship and be a part of each other’s lives again. Now, with only four weeks left until I went back to Baltimore, it didn’t seem likely.
I had wrapped myself so much in what I was here for, my open mic nights, and Amy that jazz and the ensemble seemed like a lifetime ago. A lifetime I wasn’t sure I wanted anymore. I hadn’t heard anything from the ensemble about my audition yet, and a part of me was relieved. With each week I played at Conner’s, the views on my videos were increasing, and the video of the first night was featured on a blog promoting coastal town open mic music in the Carolinas. It wasn’t much and I didn’t think anything would come of it, but I could see myself making it something if I chose to focus on it.
After kissing Amy that night, it was all I wanted to do for the remainder of my time here. Sometimes I caught a glimpse of worry or sadness on her face, and I knew she was thinking that time was passing and wondering what would happen when we ran out of it. We’d sit on the beach for hours, now in the daylight, drinking smoothies and talking about our passions. I’d bring my guitar and fiddle with new songs I was working on, while she read her never-ending stack of classics or sketched. Sometimes she’d stop what she was doing and listen to me play, telling me her opinion. I enjoyed watching her ears perk up at the mention of a girl as I sang. She knew my songs were about her, and she hummed along when I came up with a good melody. Sitting there with her felt unreal at times, and I knew it was temporary. Soon, summer would fade and time would race toward the day of departure.
