He nodded.
“Just sit with me. Talk.” I placed my hand on the mattress.
Agos took the furthest edge. He looked uncomfortable, like he was about to fall off. He placed his hands on his knees and looked back at me. “Are you all right now?” he asked. “You didn’t tell me why we left the Dragon Palace as quickly as we arrived.”
“Tell me about training,” I said, ignoring his question. “I’ve heard General Ozo is a bit of a hard ass.”
“A princess shouldn’t speak like that.”
“A princess hangs around long enough with soldiers like you, she’s bound to pick up a few things. Come on, Agos. We haven’t seen each other in years.” I had been fifteen the last time he had visited Oka Shto. “Surely you have some amusing story to tell.”
“I don’t…” he began. He scratched his cheek. “Nothing I could repeat in polite company. Especially not in front of a lady.”
I punched his arm. I used to do that often when we were younger. His reaction now was more subdued than I remembered.
“You’ve got to act like one, too,” he murmured, rubbing his skin like I had actually hurt him. “You’re going to be a wife soon. What would Prince Rayyel say?”
The smile I had pasted onto my face disappeared. Hearing my betrothed’s name felt like a blow to the head. I dropped my gaze. “I don’t want to talk about Rayyel.”
The fourth flash of lightning, and then thunder almost immediately after. And then the rain, pouring so hard around us that I scarcely noticed I had thrown myself at him. I was afraid of lightning. It wasn’t something Warlord Yeshin’s daughter should readily admit. If my father had known when he was alive, he would’ve locked me in a shed during a storm to try to knock it out of me, or at least numb my senses to it.
“Princess Tali…” I heard Agos grumble.
My hands were wrapped around his shirt. “I’m sorry,” I whispered, glancing down so that I didn’t have to look at his face. “I’m…”
“What the hell did Prince Rayyel do to you, anyway?”
“Nothing,” I quickly said. “He did nothing.” He did nothing while letting that woman do whatever she wanted with him. Chiha, Warlord Lushai’s daughter. I didn’t see her face, but it had to be her. Her father had wanted to undo everything mine had worked so hard for while maintaining a pretense of friendship.
I let my hands fall to the side. “I’m sorry,” I repeated. My own weakness disgusted me. I could almost feel my father shaking my shoulder, telling me to stand tall, to think clearly. I was better than this. I took a deep breath. “Please. You may go, if you want.”
He quirked an eyebrow. “If I want?”
“I don’t know anymore.” I could hear his shallow breathing, and I looked up to catch sight of his flushed face, of the rise and fall of his broad chest. What had happened to my childhood friend, the older boy who didn’t think twice about indulging my harebrained schemes? I was acutely aware that this was now a man beside me. I tried to shut the images of the last few hours from my mind, of the sound of Chiha moaning with her fingers wrapped around my betrothed’s sheets.
“Would you stay with me tonight?” I asked. I could barely recognize my voice.
“If I want,” he repeated. His own had dropped another octave.
I hesitated, and then nodded. I noticed his hand had been on my elbow. He now slid it up my arm, testing my reaction. I didn’t flinch, allowing him to touch my bare shoulder.
He started to kiss me, but I twisted my head away from him. I wasn’t exactly sure what I wanted at that moment, but I knew what I didn’t want. I didn’t want that sort of intimacy—I didn’t want to play at love. He took the hint and let his lips fall on my neck instead.
There was a clicking sound. I watched in horror as the door opened and the innkeeper barged in. “Dinner is—” he began. He saw us on the bed and his face turned as white as his beard. “I’m sorry, my lady. I’m…” He walked out just as quickly, slamming the door behind him.
I cleared my throat. Agos got up. At the doorway, he turned to me. “Are you sure about this?”
I almost said no. Wasn’t this the sort of thing I was supposed to iron out with my betrothed first? I knew in the back of my head that I could approach the council with evidence of Rayyel’s wrongdoing, which would discredit him without the blame falling on me. It was the kind of thing that would strengthen my support among the warlords, too—in a land as idealistic as Jin-Sayeng, adultery was seen as a great affront. It was true we weren’t married yet, but there was protocol about these things, small subtleties I could’ve taken advantage of.
But I didn’t have a template on feelings. I was aware I was acting irrationally, but I didn’t know how to handle it. And so I didn’t stop Agos when he locked the door and returned to me. One hand on my knee, he paused long enough to take his shirt off. I had seen him naked before, but five years in the army had transformed his stocky body into something unrecognizable, one of hard muscle and scarred flesh. His skin, which had once been as pale as mine, had tanned considerably under the sun. I made myself touch him, half-curious at the sensation stirring within me, but also half-wishing it was Rayyel there instead.
Agos moved like a man possessed, as if he was afraid I would change my mind at any moment. He untied my shirt, sliding it off my shoulders, and pushed me back onto the bed, rough fingers running over my skin like it was made of glass. Lips on my neck again, and then down on my breasts, one after the other, hot mouth hungry for my flesh. I lay still, unsure exactly of what I was supposed to do, what was expected of me. No templates, like I said. I had them for everything but this.
I could feel his hardness on my leg. A slight attention to it was all it took, and now he was unbuckling his pants and spitting on his hand. He slid into me, hard enough to make me gasp in pain, and only then—only then—did it occur to him exactly what was happening. I could see it in his eyes, the horror on his face as the blood began to run down my thighs. This was not a thing I just did, a thing I had picked up for fun in the few years since we had last been friends together. He had just claimed my maidenhood.
“Gods help us both, Princess,” he exhaled. “What are we doing?”
What, indeed?
But he wanted this; he wanted this more than he knew how to say. Even before I could answer, he drove deeper, wrenching his manhood into me like a knife. I questioned what pleasure women could derive from this act, but I didn’t interrupt him. The smell of the candles, the surrounding rain, the salt of his sweat on my tongue—they worked together to create a heady atmosphere that wasn’t entirely unpleasant. After a few minutes, the pain numbed down, no more than what I had to suffer through with my monthly bleeding. He bucked his hips against me—I felt the ache turn into something else momentarily, rising as he sped up, a hint of what this was supposed to feel like, but before I could think about it any more, he stopped, spent.
Agos pulled out, his seed spilling onto the sheets. The numbness was spreading throughout my body, up my fingers and deep into my heart. I craned my head to look at him. He was on his back, his arm on his forehead.
“They will kill me for this,” he grumbled. I didn’t have to ask who they were. If word of this got out, the entire nation would be running to avenge the future queen’s lost honour.
I pulled my knees up, covering my legs with my robes. I was sore and confused and, more than anything else, exhausted. Which was surprising, given I had done nothing at all. Was that it? All that trouble and fuss for something that was over in a few minutes? I still didn’t know how I was supposed to feel and wondered, perhaps, if I was the one at fault. Perhaps I had expected too much from everyone—from Rayyel, especially. “Then why go through with it?” I found myself asking, hoping the conversation would drive my restlessness away.
“You don’t know much about men, do you?” He looked up at my face and frowned. “No, you don’t. I shouldn’t be surprised, after…that.”
“I’m sorry.” I had lost track of how many
times I had uttered the phrase.
“Don’t be. I’m not.” Agos turned to me now with his dark eyes, his brow furrowed. “But you’re marrying Prince Rayyel in three days. You know what this means, right?”
I had gleaned enough from hearing gossip from the maidservants. Losing one’s maidenhood was supposed to be a moment of great importance. Belatedly, I wondered how much blood there was on the sheets and if I would have to burn the damn bed before we go. This—none of this—was how I imagined things would turn out. “I don’t think he’ll notice.”
“And the innkeeper?”
“Threaten him. Bribe him.”
“Wiser if he was dead.”
“I won’t kill a man for that, Agos. He didn’t do anything wrong.” I shivered, pulling the sheets up to my chest. My insides felt bruised. There was comfort, at least, from the torrent of rain outside. I wanted it to keep falling. I wanted it to flood the whole town, to carry me away and drown me.
“Can I sleep?” Agos mumbled. “I can protect you right here.”
“Go ahead,” I replied. “We can deal with the innkeeper in the morning.”
He stared at me, hesitating. I think he wanted to try to kiss me again. Instead, he sank back to the pillows and fell asleep almost immediately. I watched the lines on his face ease away, and only then remembered that we had been riding since early that morning. I had taken for granted all the things I’d asked from him and a pang of guilt took seed inside my heart. I had no name for whatever I felt for Agos, only that it was the first crack to the rigid mold my father had constructed for me. I liked his company well enough—I didn’t love him. I should’ve never allowed it. I should’ve never allowed a lot of things. Now all I could think of was how a moment’s error had cast a shadow over my son Thanh’s very being. In an instant, I failed not just as a daughter, but as a mother to a child not yet born.
But I didn’t know, I didn’t know, I didn’t know.
Ignorance can be the sweetest sin.
~~~
That is, of course, old news, enemies I would have been glad to stick with a hatchet and bury in the dust once and for all. I did my best to move past them. What more could I have done? I had no right to complain—not everyone gets the chance to live out a fairy tale dream.
But mistakes beget mistakes, and fairy tales turn into nightmares. And what would’ve been challenging in more capable hands turned into a catastrophe in mine. Now I was dealing with the knowledge that I had been betrayed by the very people who were supposed to be serving me, all to lead me into the arms of a mad Zarojo prince. That it was my own father who might’ve conjured such a plot. And that my husband, between all of this, had every intention of killing Thanh if he learns he is not his after all.
I didn’t even know what got me out of bed every morning. My love for my son. Responsibility. Habit. I was counting on the chance that preventing Rayyel from his wretched quest would somehow stop all the other bricks from falling, like damming a bursting embankment with your hands. What else was I supposed to do? I had to save my son.
“You have children too, don’t you, Nor?”
My Captain of the Guard paused from the doorway of Lo Bahn’s mansion. Nor was a tall woman, a match for many of the soldiers back at Oren-yaro. She hesitated, as if unsure why I was asking her such a thing. “A daughter,” she said, at length. “Beloved Queen. You were at her last nameday. You brought a wooden sword for her.”
“Akaterru help me,” I grumbled. I had no recollection of this. She was my cousin…her child was my niece. I fulfilled my duties to my clan well enough if the gift sword was any indication, but I couldn’t put a face to her daughter. I couldn’t even remember her name.
I chewed over this as we walked through the gardens, past metal arches thick with leafy vines and bloated seed pods. Lo Bahn kept an impressive orchard behind stone walls, with no less than twenty fruit trees arranged around stone benches and decorative stones. He claimed to like nature, that the smell of fresh breeze—an uncommon occurrence in the crowded, dirty streets of Shang Azi—was good for a man’s circulation. I looked back at Nor. “I apologize,” I said.
Her firm face remained unyielding. “There is nothing to apologize for, Beloved Queen.”
“You would be back home with your family if not for me.”
“We’re trapped here because of an embargo. My duty is to remain by your side. There is nothing to apologize for,” she repeated.
I didn’t have the courage to correct her. She had no knowledge of what transpired in that dockside inn between me and my husband, only a faint inkling of rumours best kept away from prying ears. She didn’t even know I had gone to see him that day. As far as she was aware, we were still trying to find him, still trying to piece together bits and pieces of information we could glean from his activities in Anzhao while we remained hopelessly stuck, unable to board a ship home. It had made for a very dismal three months. I wasn’t sure how she would react to the truth. She was a wolf of Oren-yaro, too, one still reeling from the bitter taste of her men’s betrayal. The silence from back home was unnerving. As far as she was concerned, it looked as if our people just went and abandoned us overnight. Where was Lord General Ozo and our army? What was stopping them from sending ships after us, Anzhao City politics be damned? Did they know about my mistakes and had all but abandoned me because of them?
No. Nor would kill me if I told her. That the rumours were true—I had faltered, I had sinned, and the heir to the throne was possibly illegitimate, a scandal waiting to explode. It felt ridiculous to even think about how I had let it come this far. I, foolish woman that I was, had never thought to question it. Thanh came out looking every inch like Rayyel and was growing up to follow his footsteps, much to my dismay. A quiet, serious boy who liked books and had to be reminded to hold a sword the right way—how could he be Agos’ son? Agos, who had once pretended to read in front of me with the damn pages upside-down?
I opened my mouth to say something in an effort to drown out the silence, but it was overtaken by the sound of the gates opening. I saw Agos’ tall form stride past Lo Bahn’s guards, but it was the man behind him that my eyes settled on. Khine Lamang, Lo Bahn’s right-hand man, of whom I hadn’t seen hide nor hair from for a good long while. I felt a lump in my throat.
“The hell are you doing here, Lamang?” I called out. I was hoping the familiar banter would ease the beating of my heart. The sight of him brought solace, which was immediately followed by shame—emotions my father would’ve frowned upon. I had already asked for too much from him.
“Your language has been improved by your time here,” Khine said easily. His voice had that cool, polite detachment that he used with people like Lo Bahn—people he disagreed with, but didn’t want to confront. An easygoing tone, swathed in ice. He nodded towards Agos. “I heard who he was looking for. A Gasparian merchant by the name of Eridu. This time of the day, he’ll be at the hawker’s hub in Dar Aso.”
“Why have you decided to help me now?”
He looked over me. “Captain Nor,” he greeted her with a smile. “You’re looking lovelier these days. I think the Shang Azi air is starting to agree with you.”
“Are we just going to stand around here listening to this idiot, or do we have a merchant to find?” Agos barked.
“This idiot does know his way around the neighbourhood,” Khine replied. “Let’s go before he changes his mind.”
“Stay here, Nor. No sense scaring the man if we can help it.” I spoke as nonchalantly as possible, but I could see her regard me with a look of suspicion.
“My queen,” she replied. “As Captain of the Guard, I insist on being at your side at all times.”
“She doesn’t need two captains,” Agos broke in. “I did the job just fine before you, Nor.”
I saw Khine’s eyes flicker towards Agos when he spoke. There, I thought. Khine had heard everything my husband had said that day, and then some. He never spoke to me about it, but he started making great efforts to a
void me ever since, as if he despised the thought of having anything to do with me again. I couldn’t blame him. Khine was an idealistic man, and there was nothing idealistic about what I had done.
Nor steeled herself for what looked like was going to be another argument with Agos. I interceded before it began. “We’ll be all right, Nor,” I assured her. “Please.”
I could see the protest in her eyes, but she stepped back with a bow.
Khine pretended I didn’t exist as we left Lo Bahn’s. I was at a loss for words, the first time I had ever felt that around him—a chasm of silence that grated at my nerves like rusty hinges. It put me at odds with everything that I was, that I knew I was meant to be. Since when did queens walk behind con-artists or care what they think? Yet ever since that day at the docks, nothing felt right anymore. My righteous anger at Rayyel had been a crutch…without it, I was crawling and I didn’t know how to get up.
Chapter Two
The Massacre at Dar Aso
Dar Aso was the immigrants’ district in Anzhao City, bordering Shang Azi. The majority of the population consisted of Jinseins—many second or third-generation. I had since come to learn that Khine was comfortable around my people, and that he spent most of his spare time in Dar Aso among Jinsein friends. He spoke Jinan easily enough, with a slight accent that stood out—he emphasized every word carefully, instead of allowing the syllables to become a rolling mess like others tended to do. Our conversations—back when we had more of them—were split between Zirano and Jinan, lapsing towards whatever felt more comfortable at the time.
I’m not sure why Khine was drawn to a place like Dar Aso. It was just as dirty as Shang Azi, with the noticeable presence of the city watch. In exchange, there was the absence of big houses like Lo Bahn’s—everything was small, narrow, cramped, hovels on top of hovels. That told you that the people in Dar Aso were barely getting by and that nobody had the money to bribe the watch with to look the other way. The price to pay for Zarojo citizenship. I had to wonder, though, what was so awful about living in Jin-Sayeng that people were willing to brave the sea and live out in dirt and grime here instead. You’d think the ruler of Jin-Sayeng would know.
The Ikessar Falcon Page 2
