by Jenny Brex
“It’s good you’re home,” he said. “You can make sure the dogs get fed. Don’t forget to bring them inside.”
“Right, sure.”
“We’ll be home soon.”
“I love you. Tell Mom that I love her.”
“I will. We love you, too. It’s good to have you home.”
***
Keyoni stared at the floor. She’d heard the words, but it didn’t feel real. She thought…well, it didn’t matter what she thought. Her father mentioned her mother’s insistence that her bear spirit was responsible for her healing.
Keyoni had been so out of touch with her own bear that she wondered what it felt like to have such a great connection. She’d shoved down that piece of her, stifling it. It represented too many things. Or maybe it didn’t, and she blamed it. Hell, maybe she blamed everything. Everyone and everything.
Elated, she scanned the side of the fridge and found Jerry’s number. She left a message for him, then pulled open the book she’d been reading earlier.
When he popped into her head, she shook it, thinking that if she rattled it enough that he’d go away. Grrr. Why did he insist on coming over to her booth? She’d moved on, grown up, and now here she was reliving things in her mind.
She’d shut out her emotions as far as her childhood was concerned. Her armor was so thick that she wasn’t sure she’d ever let her walls back down. Somehow, she managed. Her college years softened her some, but even so, she was mostly prickly.
Jake, King, and Denver had been as thick as thieves. She wondered about them. She’d seen Denver beside Jake earlier. Then there was King. King was the guy that all the girls fell for from the time he was born. Shit, he was the only kindergartener that had a flock of girls chasing him on the playground. She smiled at the image. Kindergarten. She barely remembered anything about those years, but it was a time when kids were even. Kids were on scale with each other. The harsh teasing started a couple of years later, slowly at first, then each year more and more.
She stood up and dug through the bookcase for the photo albums that housed her past. She carried the large book back to the sofa and paged through it slowly. Right about second grade, maybe third, her smile started to disappear. She’d gone from a carefree child to closed off and moody. It only got worse as she got older. She looked at her school pictures and saw the life drained out of her eyes. It made her sad to see herself so guarded and in obvious pain. She wished she could go back and tell her younger self it would be okay. She’d survive. She got out of there and started over.
When Keyoni flipped to the next page, she froze. There she was at a community day, and right behind her was Jake with Denver. Denver was making a weird face at her. She’d never even noticed it before. Her stomach twisted. She closed the photo album and put it away. Alaska was no longer home. She couldn’t wait to get the hell out of there.
Dammit. She was only a kid. Didn’t they know what they’d done to her?
Chapter 7
Jake knew it was risky, but he wanted to at least apologize. His bear wanted more. It was primal, beyond what he could control, but at least for now he needed to lead with his mind. He’d thought about the words she said to him, and how the things he’d done obviously had a bigger impact on her than he knew. He’d never meant to…well, that was no excuse. He was a mean kid, teasing somebody else to make himself feel better.
If it weren’t for King and Denver by his side, he’d gotten the brunt of it. Nobody messed with King— not then, and still not now. Jake was always in hand-me-downs and thrift good finds. Money was tight growing up, and while his parents worked hard, they never had enough.
He was thrilled for his father when he got an offer across the country. For once, he’d be paid what he was worth. He’d been applying for years to different offers, but nothing ever came through until five years ago. Jake grew up poor, but his friends always made him feel special. He wasn’t about money, but about experiences, and his were vast and rich.
Had the others tormented him, he wondered how he would have handled it. Sure, once or twice they might have rubbed him the wrong way, but what if it continued over and over again?
Jake climbed into his truck and made his way over to Keyoni’s house. He owed her sincerity, truth, and a big, fat apology.
He pulled into her driveway. Being from a small community, most people were aware of who lived where. He drew a deep breath and went up to the door. Jake knocked and waited.
Keyoni opened the door and groaned. “You?”
She took his breath away. Last time he saw her, she was all braids and bubblegum, but now that she was back as an adult it changed his world. He needed to stay on course and not let his testosterone get the better of him.
Jake cleared his throat. “Hey, I just wanted to stop by and tell you how sorry I am. I was cruel. I’m truly sorry. I had no idea my actions would have such a lasting impact. At ten, eleven, twelve, I wanted to fit in and be liked. I guess everybody does. Only I did it in a way that made you uncomfortable. It was at your expense. I brushed it off when you first said something to me, thinking, gee, I was a kid. But, hey, so were you. You weren’t the one making fun of me. You were a nicer kid. Anyway, I know it probably doesn’t mean much, but I’m sorry. I know I can’t take it back, but as an adult I have the power to at least apologize. That’s it. I won’t bother you anymore.”
Keyoni watched as he spoke. The sincerity in his eyes meant more than his words.
He turned to leave. Every bit of his bear fought him to stay. He wanted to make wild, passionate love to her and keep her by his side, but was forced to take control. He’d need to extinguish the fire that burned inside. “Take care. I hope you have a good life. I’ll let you be.”
Keyoni didn’t say anything. She watched him turn away and start back to his truck. “Wait.”
Jake looked over his shoulder.
She called out to him. “Can you help me with something?”
It was as if a breath of fresh air rushed through him and a spark ignited. Jake spun back to face her in slow motion. His mate called to him. She needed his help. She let the smallest smile out as he walked back. Was she setting him up? About to tell him that the way he could help was to “go to hell” or some other zinger? He waited, ready with a witty reply…only he didn’t need it.
Keyoni reached up and gently rubbed her lower lip.
Jake’s gaze followed her finger. He wanted a taste, a kiss, a nibble…
Her voice knocked him back to reality. “Jake?”
He shook his head. He’d been staring at her lips. He raised his gaze to her eyes. “Yeah?”
“Can you help me reconnect with my bear?”
Jake cocked his head to the side, confused. “It’s inside of you. Why do you need me?”
Keyoni closed her eyes before speaking, almost coming to terms with what she was about to say. “I haven’t shifted into my bear since I was a child. I was probably twelve or thirteen the last time I let my bear out.”
Jake’s bear cried. She’d extinguished the spirit of the animal within her. His voice was hushed. “Why?”
She looked down sheepishly. “It wasn’t a part of who I was when I moved. I mean, I shunned it. In Hawaii, well, it was different. It’s not like bears are a common sight around there.”
“And now?” he asked.
She nodded quietly. “I’m ready to try. I…look, I don’t want to get into specifics. Can you help me or not?”
He noticed how quickly she grew defensive. He looked into her eyes and offered to guide her. “I can try.”
She glanced back up at him with a tiny flicker of hope in her eyes. “You will?”
“Yeah, sure.” Jake shoved his hands in his pockets. “We should do it outside. It’s better connecting with nature like when we were kids.”
“Do you have time now?” she cautiously asked.
“Sure,” he answered. The smell of the neighbor’s fireplace hinted at cooler weather. Small tendrils of smoke dri
fted from the chimney into the air.
“Let me grab a jacket.” Keyoni reached for the coat rack by the front entrance and quickly slipped it on.
“It’s not too bad out yet,” he said.
She blushed. “I lived in Hawaii for ages. Everything is cold to me.”
Jake loved how her cheeks glowed pink when she flushed. He resisted the increasingly strong urge to lean in and kiss her. All it would get him would be a slammed door in his face. He growled at his inner bear and told him to back down. Being near her was enough to keep him on edge. His bear sensed his mate was near. How the hell would Jake convince Keyoni that she was the one he was supposed to be with?
Chapter 8
They went around to the back of her yard. There was a kennel with some dogs and a small barn that housed storage. “I’m concerned the dogs will distract you. Why don’t we go over to the park or my place where it’s quieter?”
“Your place? You know what, forget it.” She started to stomp back to the door.
“Keyoni, wait. I didn’t mean it that way. The park would work just as well. I’m just not sure how the dogs will react if they aren’t used to seeing you as a bear. I’m sure they’d sense it was you, but I can’t be certain. It’s better if we keep things safe and simple, no?”
She inhaled sharply, then sighed. “Fine, let’s go to the fields or park or something. I’m not going to your place.”
He shook his head. “Okay, the fields.”
They got into his truck and sat in awkward silence. Thankfully, it wasn’t a long drive.
“Here we are.” Jake parked and got out.
Keyoni followed him over to one of the open fields. As a child, she used to love coming to the open fields. Sometimes the grass would grow tall and blow softly in the wind, and in the start of spring wildflowers started to bloom and dot the grass. It was the same place she used to chase butterflies. She shoved down the memory of his cruel words as it snapped to her attention. They were kids, something like twenty years ago. She needed to let go of the memory. She was an adult now.
“First thing you’re going to want to do is take off your clothes,” he started, as natural as day.
Her eyes flung open wide. “You want me to what? I knew it. I knew you’d be a jerk. Just take me home.”
Jake dropped his head back and stared at the sky. “Wait. It’s not what you’re thinking. Think back to when we were kids. You’ll end up tearing your clothes if you shift with them on. You need to learn to shift without them before you can do it with them.”
“I am not taking off my clothes, let me make that perfectly clear. I’ll take my chances.”
He shook his head. “That’s fine. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.”
“Fine,” she slapped her hands across her chest in an act of defiance. “If you can do it, I can do it.”
“Yep, sure.”
Keyoni glared at him. “This was a bad idea.”
“No, it’s okay. Listen, just try not to bog yourself down in negativity. Open yourself to possibilities. It’s important to get back in touch with nature. Why don’t we sit here for a few minutes and enjoy the fresh air? You can feel the grass under your hands, close your eyes, enjoy the light breeze. Take a moment or two and remember that there was a reason you were born this way. You and your bear are two entities, but the totality of one. Your mind can go both ways, but your human is at the heart of your control. Your human mind will always take the lead and stay there, unless you go feral, but that’s something totally different.”
Keyoni tried to open herself up the tiniest bit, but her armor was so inclusive, so strong, that letting her guard down felt nearly impossible.
Jake watched her and spoke softly. “Close your eyes. Can you hear the wind? See it? What color is it? What does it feel like? Breathe in, and remind yourself that you’re one with nature.”
Keyoni’s stiff shoulders dropped the tiniest bit as she shut her eyes. She felt foolish in front of him. Maybe it was a bad idea. She listened to his voice. It was soothing and calm. She tried to follow along.
“Let your mind drift with the wind, like a butterfly, like tall grass gently bending in the breeze.” He continued to watch her face relax. He wanted to run his fingers through her hair and pull her into a kiss. Instead, he continued his guided meditation. “You’re walking in the grass, no shoes on, and it feels cool and comforting under your feet. You have no cares, no worries, and your only desire is to roll in the field. You drop down onto the padded mat of grass and turn onto your back. Looking up, you can see the clouds drift by. They’re soft strands of cotton on a perfect blue sky.”
Keyoni pictured the sun on her skin. The warmth soothed her. The clouds above didn’t threaten rain. They were tiny bits of cotton candy colored white, dotting the sky. She drew in a deep breath, sinking into the moment.
“Your bear wants to enjoy the fresh air, too. She wants to experience nature and play with you. I want you to focus on your bear, and how good it feels when she gets to run or roll in the grass. She aches to be with nature. You’ve come to celebrate your bear. Imagine your hands as big, soft paws, and your nose longer so she can enjoy the wildflowers, and you’re powerful and strong and who you were meant to be. You want to be with your bear again, to open up and entwine your pieces, like twisted DNA, braiding the two of you as one again. You’re ready for your bear.”
Keyoni focused on his words, what he was saying. It was like being a child, the way her mother and teacher would help her understand how she could change. She was special, free, able to soar in her bear form. It had been so long…
The stitching on her clothing started to rip and tear, then shred, as she clumsily forced her bear to emerge. Only she was stuck, couldn’t finish…and then she heard his voice.
“Keyoni, you’re amazing and beautiful. Your bear wants to come out. You need to let it. Let it be free and embrace it. Don’t be afraid.”
Her tension melted away. His words guided her, helped her push through the final stage, the stage that hurt more than she remembered, and then there she was. Her fur pushed through, her muscles strengthened, her face rounded, small ears jutted out, and her nose elongated. She started to laugh as the stress of the moment dropped away. In her bear form, she was free. She was…wow!
“God, you’re beautiful.” He couldn’t help it. He was transfixed. Seeing her that way, he knew as much as his bear knew. They were meant to be together. The pull and urgency was strong; it took all of his might to keep it in check. He wanted her, as a bear with her bear, as a man with her woman, he didn’t care, he simply knew that Keyoni was the mate he’d waited for all of his life.
She jolted up and shot over the grass, leaping and bounding, laughing and looking for butterflies like she did as a child. Joy rushed through her veins. She was free. Everything fell away, all her cares and worries, her fears, and her anxiety.
A smile was plastered on Jake’s face. The happiness that sprang from her was contagious. He couldn’t imagine holding his bear back for such a long time. Grateful she was able to experience the joy once again, he shifted and joined her, romping through the grass. Finally, worn out, the couple rolled onto their backs and looked at the sky.
“I want to stay like this forever,” she started. “I haven’t felt so light and happy in such a long time.”
“How did you not…”
“My grandmother isn’t a shifter. My dad’s not. When I went to Hawaii, she was actually a little freaked out by the entire thing. She’d only seen me when I was young, and the idea of a teenaged bear-girl moving in was traumatic for her. I promised I’d keep my bear in check, because she offered me a sanctuary when I needed one. After so much time passed, there wasn’t a need. The voice inside of me got quieter and quieter, and finally stopped asking to come out.”
Jake turned and faced her. “What did you do after school?”
“More school. I studied to become a zoologist like my father. Well, he’s more an ethologist studying their behaviors.
Anyway, I knew I wanted to be a wildlife biologist in some form, and then with my father’s studies in bears, specifically polar bears, I focused closer on that. There are eight main species of bears and a lot of subspecies. Sun bears are over in Southeast Asia, but not local to this region like grizzlies, polar bears, and Kodiaks are. I grew a fondness for sun bears and decided after my time is up here, I’ll study them.”
“Are you here to work with your father?”
“Not on purpose. I mean, I love my dad, but Alaska was hardly my first choice. I took a scholarship that provided for me in exchange for giving two years of service to the US Fish and Wildlife Service, which put me here. I’m pretty sure my father had some pull in bringing me here, though.”
“Why sun bears? Won’t you have to move away?”
“That was part of the reasoning. I didn’t want to have a reason to come back here. It was easier to shut this part of my life out.”
“And now?”
“It’s not a happy place for me, Jake.”
“But you’re here for two years?”
“Exactly.”
“What if it becomes a happy place for you?”
She shook her head. “Sun bears are my passion. That’s where I’ll spend my career, studying them. Over here, well, there’s only zoos for them.”
Jake shuddered.
“I know. Me, too. The Helarctos malayanus, that’s the scientific name for the sun bear, captured my interest. They’re smaller and reclusive. I guess, I don’t know, I just sort of gravitated naturally toward them. They’re nocturnal and not a lot is known about them. They’re one of the less-studied bears. Also, they can be monogamous, not like our breed which fucks and runs. Sorry, that was rude. I guess I’m harder on my grizzly counterparts. Anyway, I’ve rambled on enough. I’m sorry, I probably bored you to tears.”
“Not at all. I find it fascinating. I don’t really think about other bears that often. I guess I think of myself more as a man that’s part bear than bear that’s part man. I guess I should put more effort and thought into the entire thing.”
