by Meg Brenner
“Thanks,” I responded to him. We had all decided to walk down the boardwalk to get some ice cream, but they were so dang slow so Shane and I told them that we’d just meet them there. “I was a bit nervous about the speech and all, but I think I carried it well.”
“You were really great,” he admitted. “I wasn’t sure how you were going to hold up, but you spoke really well.” He nudged me playfully with his shoulder.
“Thanks,” I answered. I smiled up at him before tucking my hair nervously behind my ears. He made me feel so relaxed, something that no one could do besides Keiffer. There was something about Shane that told me that it was okay to be myself.
We finally arrived at the ice cream shop and was relieved to not see Brad working. I didn’t expect him to be. He had probably gone out to dinner with his and Lacey’s family also. We both got our ice creams and sat out by the water. The boardwalk was busy with tourists, but it was still relaxing. We ate our treats quickly so they wouldn’t melt all over our hands.
“So I’m going back home tomorrow morning,” he said nonchalantly.
“What?” I said quickly, studying him with curious eyes. “You just got here!”
“I’ve been here for almost two weeks,” he laughed before starting in on his ice cream again. “Besides, I just came up to be here for Keiffer’s funeral. I stuck around a few days to help Indigo with anything around the house. She was practically my second mom growing up. I owe her my life.”
“She’s a great lady, isn’t she?” I said. “I’m so glad she’s my mom.”
“Yeah, you really lucked out. Listen, you can come back to Florida with me,” he suggested. “I could teach you to surf and we could get our own little place…”
I felt my heart start to pump wildly. “No,” I responded quickly. “I mean, I can’t.”
“Why?” He asked, obviously unaware at how inappropriate his comments were to me. Didn’t he realize that my husband just died? His best friend? How could I just forget about Keiffer and move on with his best friend? I felt my temperature start to rise and I almost wanted to slap him across the face. I had begun to feel close to Shane, but then he ruined it by suggesting something so off the wall!
“Because, Shane! My husband just died! I’m not interested in you!” My words were sharp, but they were straight to the point. I got up from the bench and threw the rest of my ice cream cone in the trash. Shane got up and followed me to the other side of the sidewalk.
“I didn’t mean to make you mad. I just figured that you were alone, and I was alone –“
“So we’ll be alone separately!” I spat. “You’re a nice guy, and I actually feel like myself when around you, but I’m not going to leave my life for someone I barely know.”
“You barely knew Keiffer,” Shane pointed out.
“But you’re not Keiffer!” I couldn’t believe that this topic had even come up. This was so absurd. However, when my parents and Indigo finally arrived, no one realized what had happened, but Indigo was able to read my expression enough to know something had gone on between Shane and me.
While the rest of them were in the shop, Indigo sat down next to me on the bench that over looked the water. She wrapped her arm around me and we looked at the waves.
“What happened between you and Shane?” She asked. It wasn’t like she was trying to get gossip, but that she actually cared enough about me to want to know.
“Shane asked me to move to Florida with him,” I said through clenched teeth.
“And what’s the problem?” She asked, obviously unaware how annoyed I was.
“You can’t be serious?” I scooted out of her embrace. “My husband just died and he wants me to move out with him!” I waited for her to change her easy-going expression. She didn’t. “Indigo, I loved Keiffer! It’s only been almost two weeks since he died! I’m not going to drop my whole life to follow some guy I barely know!”
“Shane’s not just some guy,” she reassured me. “He’s Keiffer’s best friend –“
“Was!” I practically yelled. “He was Keiffer’s best friend! Keiffer’s dead!”
“Yes, he is. But Shane’s not. Maybe it will do you good to get away. Just start over, Jenna. The memories of him will only haunt you.” She tried to put her hand on mine but I jerked it away.
“I can’t believe you’re on his side!” I stood up from the bench, anger filling me.
“I’m not on anyone’s side! Shane’s been like a son to me. I wouldn’t encourage you if I didn’t think it was the right thing to do!” She stood up also and looked me deep in the eyes. “Be true to yourself, sweetie. Would you be happy here if you stayed?”
Before I had the chance to answer, my mom and dad exited the shop and came to stand by Indigo and me. We dropped our little argument and we all sat down in the grass under the shade. Shane made sure to sit opposite from me, obviously hurt that I wasn’t willing to take him up on his offer to have me move down there with him.
“Your mother and I –“ Dad started.
“Really?” Mom spat. “Let me tell my daughter the good news! Your father and I had something for you, Jen.” She handed me an envelope with the Yale stamp printed on it. I held my breath, not wanting to open it. I had already made my decision not to go when I realized that I was pregnant, but now I realized that this was my only way out.
“We already opened it,” she said excitedly. “Guess who starts college this Fall?” She exclaimed.
“No way?” I burst. I couldn’t believe that I had actually been accepted.
“Yes way!” She gave me a tight squeeze. Shane excused himself from the group and I watched him walk down the boardwalk until he was out of view. I knew he was feeling upset, but there was nothing I could do about it.
“This is unreal!” I said excitedly once I turned my attention from Shane to my family again. My mom was watching my every move, obviously excited for me. Indigo had a smile painted across her face, though it looked kind of forced. She finally got up and excused herself from the group and muttered something about Shane.
“We know that college will be hard being pregnant and everything,” dad started. Much to my surprise, mom didn’t try to cut him off. “But we’ve already found the perfect nanny for you when the baby comes. You’ll have the kid and then go straight back to college. The nanny will do everything for you. In fact, you don’t even have to come home on the weekends if you don’t want to.”
“Won’t that be wonderful, Jenna? My little girl’s going to be a lawyer!” Mom exclaimed, looking as though she were in heaven. I smiled too, but my mind kept refocusing on the nanny. I wanted to be a mother. This baby was Keiffer’s. I didn’t want to just throw it away as though it wasn’t a big part of me. This baby was the reason why Keiffer and I got married. We were in love, and that circumstances just made our relationship become more cemented.
“Yeah…it’ll be great,” I responded halfheartedly. Soon Shane and Indigo showed back up, both of them looking a bit pained. I pushed the thought out of my head and continued trying to act as though I were excited for college in the Fall. But I couldn’t seem to shake the idea of the nanny. That was my parent’s plan, not mine. Yet, I didn’t want to let them down.
Once we got back home, Indigo and Shane said their goodbyes as we stood in our driveway. Indigo gave me a hug, whispering how proud she was of me for graduating today. She grabbed my hands after we stepped out of the embrace and she touched my cheek lightly with her thumb.
“You were really brave today,” she smiled at me. “Keiffer would’ve been proud of you.”
“That’s all the matters,” I answered quietly. “I knew he was there watching over me today. He made me brave. He’ll always make me brave.” I gave her a hug again before Shane walked up to me next. Indigo gave me one last smile before saying her goodbyes to my parents.
“Hey,” Shane said as he stepped towards me. “Congratulations again today…for both things. You’ll do great at Yale.”
“Thanks,”
I nodded. He leaned in to give me a hug and I rested my head on his shoulder. It felt comfortable, but it wasn’t Keiffer. No one would be able to replace my love. “I hadn’t planned on going…”
“Well, now you are and that’s all that matters. You’ll make a great lawyer.” He let me out of the hug and placed his hands in his pocket.
“What about you?” I asked. His eyes shifted around the ground and finally made their way back to me. He didn’t really answer me at first. It was kind of what Keiffer did when I asked him where he was going to be in the Fall. Those two were alike in so many ways.
“I just want to see where each day takes me,” he took a deep breath. “I guess for now I’ll be going back to Florida to put my best friend to rest.” He nodded towards the house with his jaw. “I need to set Keiffer free in the ocean.” I knew he was talking about the surfboard and I tried to control my tears. I was getting better at that.
“I bet you were the perfect best friend,” I tried to smile.
He let out an airy laugh. “Guess it depends on who you talk to. Obviously, I sucked at being a friend to him.” I tried to rebuttal it, but he just put his hand up to stop me. “I guess we’ll both be blaming ourselves for his death. We’ll be thousands miles apart and suffering the same way for the rest of our lives. No matter what anyone will say, we’ll always blame ourselves.” He playfully punched me in the arm. “See you around, Jenna.” And with that, he turned around and followed Indigo back to the house. Before stepping through the front door, he turned to look at me, giving me one last smile before entering the house.
“Well, today was lovely,” mom said. She gave me a hug before getting into her car. “I’ll be sure to tell Steve your good news. He wanted to be here today, as you know, but he was too busy at work. Though, he did promise to make it to your college graduation.”
“College,” I repeated. She backed out of the driveway and soon her car was out of view. Dad had already stepped back into the house and I had two options. Either I could sleep there for the night, or I could go back to Keiffer and my home. I knew the latter would bring the demons that I needed to defeat, so I decided to climb the stairs up to my old room.
My dad hadn’t touched my room since I moved out almost three weeks ago. It looked almost the exact same as it did before. I pulled out some pajamas from my dresser and hopped into the shower. The cold water stung me, but warmed up as I stood motionless under the faucet. The nice things about showers – no one could tell you were crying. I leaned against the side of the shower and sobbed until I was sitting on the floor of the shower. Water poured over me, but I couldn’t move. I pulled my legs up and wrapped my arms around them. This had been the hardest month of my life.
I felt better once I got out of the shower and into my own bed. The fan turn lightly above me and the moon shone through the window, casting a shadow across my ceiling. I watched the reflection of the tree branches dance across my ceiling. I didn’t know how long I laid like that, but I couldn’t sleep. I looked around my room, trying to find something to do. My eyes landed on a familiar blue CD case and I jumped to my feet, placing the CD into my lap top.
Listening to Keiffer’s voice made me feel calm. I placed my cheek against my wooden desk as I listened to him talk. I felt absolutely numb as I heard him speak to me through the computer. He had given these CD’s to me to give to Indigo in case he had passed away, and I had forgotten. I copied the CD’s onto my computer’s hard drive so I could give them to Indigo without regretting my decision.
Before making my way back to my bed, I looked out my window towards Keiffer’s house. It wasn’t like I was expecting to see him through his window, but it was mostly just out of habit. For the past months I used to always look out for him, and now I had no one to look for. Instead, Shane was laying on the roof where Keiffer used to lay. I smiled to myself as I watched him look up at the stars. That was something my husband had enjoyed doing.
“Good view?” I called from my window. Shane looked over at me, obviously startled by my voice. He smiled and nodded his head.
“The best,” he responded. “We used to do this, you know? Keiffer and me. We used to go star gazing when we were doing surfing tournaments. We would camp out on the beach and just stare up at the stars.”
“I just didn’t get it…” I called out.
“But you do now, so there’s no need to be hard on yourself,” Shane called back. He smiled before looking back up at the stars. “I know why Keiffer chose you.”
“You don’t even know me,” I responded. He laughed and didn’t answer my statement. “You don’t,” I started again. “I’m not who you think I am.”
“Sure you are,” he said sternly. “But the question is, do you know who you are?”
His question took me by surprise as I looked dumbfounded at him. Who was I? I wasn’t even sure myself. Keiffer called me Jenna Horowitz – Ice Cream Scooper. But what I more than that? I looked down at the window sill and started to pick at the chipping paint.
“Come to Florida with me,” he asked again. This time I didn’t feel anger, but instead of sadness. Of course I wanted to go to Florida with him, but it just wasn’t possible. I had a life here. I had so much that I had to do, and moving to Florida just wasn’t possible.
“I can’t,” I answered.
“Oh, because you need to go to Yale,” Shane said sarcastically.
“No!” I crossed my arms across my chest. This guy was just as difficult as Keiffer. However, wasn’t that what attracted me to Keiffer in the first place? “I can’t because I’m pregnant.” There, it was out.
He didn’t say anything, but just stared at me with wide eyes before looking back up to the stars. “I will accept anything of Keiffer’s. I will love your child as mine. I will always continue to love my best friend.”
“I can’t,” I responded again. This time my voice was much weaker. “It’s not easy for me! I’m making this decision for my child. I love Keiffer too! I’m not going to put our child into a hard position. This child deserves everything!”
“Everything?” Shane called back. “You can’t give them their dad!” His words stung and it took all my might to not slam the window in his face. Instead, I just took a deep breath and tried to ignore his statement.
“I know that,” I answered his statement.
“Then give them your love, and I’ll do the same. We’re both struggling, Jenna. We need to struggle together.”
“I’m sorry,” I tried to give him one last smile before I started to shut the window. “I hope you have a good flight tomorrow.” And with that, I shut the window and climbed back into my bed. His voice rang through my ears until I finally fell asleep.
The next morning freaked me out just a little. I couldn’t remember where I was, and it took me a while to remember I fell asleep at my house and not at the new house. I quickly got dressed and pulled my hair back in a ponytail before heading towards my closed door. The blue CD’s caught my eye as I took one last look around my room. It was now or never to give the CD’s to Indigo.
I hugged my dad good morning and grabbed myself an apple before heading next door. Much to my surprise, Indigo wasn’t outside gardening like she normally did. I knocked on the door and waited patiently for her to open the door. Once she did, I noticed that she was wearing a flowery apron and holding a spatula.
“Good morning, Jen!” Indigo said excitedly. “I was just making cookies for you and your father. You’ll bring them to him, won’t you?”
“Sure,” I answered as I stepped into the house. She placed the spatula down and poured me a glass of water as I sat down at the kitchen table.
“So what brings you over?” She asked. “Not saying that you need to have a reason. You are my daughter after all.”
“I actually do have a reason.” I hesitantly grabbed the CD’s from my purse. She took them, not sure what to make of them. “Keiffer made me these CD’s throughout the semester. They were full of information about him… he said he wan
ted you to have them in case something happened to him.”
“Jenna…”
“No, they’re yours.” I stood up from the chair. “His voice brings back memories… maybe they’ll help you, too.”
“Thank you so much,” she smiled through the tears. She gave me a hug and we both stood awkwardly in the kitchen. Finally, she jumped into action and started placing the cookies on a paper plate.
“So where’s Shane?” I asked nonchalantly.
“I dropped him off at the airport almost an hour and a half ago. His flight leaves in,” she checked her watch. “Well, I guess ten minutes ago. Poor guy was a mess. He wanted to stay behind.”
“I don’t blame him. He thought of you as a second mom.”
“And I think of you as another one of my children. And if I could give you advice, I would tell you that sometimes staying behind to make others happy won’t make you happy.” She handed me the plate of cookies. “But I find him lucky. I wouldn’t mind flying down to Florida and seeing my daughter again.” She nudged me playfully in the arm.
“Indigo…I can’t…”
“I know, you’d rather go to Yale and have your child live with the nanny –“She read my shocked expression. “Your dad and I talk.”
“I don’t want that to happen!” I felt my temperature start to rise.
She grabbed her car keys and jingled them in front of me. She had a huge smile on her face, obviously ready to have an adventure. “Then don’t let it.”
Before I knew it, we were at the airport. We had no luggage, but it didn’t seem to be a problem. Instead, she bought both tickets and we were on the next flight to Florida. I knew it was crazy, but it was probably the only way that I would ever get away from my problems. I didn’t want to go to Yale. I didn’t want to give my child to the nanny. And I especially didn’t want to be surrounded by the ghosts that haunted me in that small town. I needed somewhere new. And I needed someone who reminded me more of Keiffer than anyone else in this world.
