MC: LaPonte

by L. Ann Marie

  "I don't know, last night I went home for the first time in fuckin forever. What do I need to do to fix this Jess? I don't want to lose her." He looks stricken.

  I put my hand over my mouth to hold in a sob. They both turn. Jess comes over to me and holds me. Peg walks through the door turns around and walks back out.

  Danny walks toward us. "Fuck! Kate I'm sorry. Tell me what to do. How do I make it right?" He moves to put his hand on me and I back away horrified. I love him and want to hurt him all at the same time. I don't even know why it hurts so much, it's not like I didn't know.

  "Give her some time. She'll call if she wants to see you." Jess yells at him. Jess never yells.

  He drops his hand. "I'll be at my house. I'm going to make it up to you Kate. I'm sorry I hurt you." His shoulders slump as he turns and walks out. I hear Peg talking to him in a harsh tone and move away from the door. I don't even want to know what more is being said.

  "I'm sorry Kate. I shouldn't have..." I wave my hand to cut her off.

  I grab some paper towels and clean my face. I need to get myself under control. Jess watches me cautiously. I sit at the work table and deep breathe. Holy crap! He doesn't want to lose me. He wants to fix it. I didn't tell Jess everything I heard. It hurt but I kind of understood. He never cheated on his ex. She was nuts and they didn't have sex for more than a year at times. Jeesh, he's a guy. Jess is still watching me. I'm thinking of what I would tell clients that come in for services. I need to make him prove that he knows I'm worth more than what he's been giving me. I know he treated his ex like a princess until the end. I want that guy. The one who respected his wife just because she was his wife. Every relationship I've had I've judged by how he treated De. Fuck. I made a decision to date other men and find the one that gives me that spark. I finally look at Jess.

  "I need to feel like I matter. I'm worth more than a fuck twice a month. I need to be number one in a man's life, not second, third or fourth. Is there something I'm doing that tells guys to treat me like crap?"

  "Yes. You let Danny sleep with you and didn't demand anything in return. You let him think you weren't important enough to see you more than twice a month. He's my brother and I love him but he's fucked up and you accepted it. You're worth everything. You changed my life. You fought for me when I didn't have the strength and confidence to fight for myself. I think it's time I paid you back. My brothers a dick, he needs to beg, he needs to grovel. He needs to see you will not be taken for granted anymore. Damn Kate you deserve more than my piece of shit brother." She says gently. It hits me that I laid down and let him do whatever he wanted because I loved him, just hoping someday he would love me back. When the hell did I decide I wasn't worth anything?

  I see her tears but I snort a laugh at her, "you love Danny. I should go. I don't want to drag you into the middle of this." I stand and throw away the snotty paper towels.

  "For the first time since I met him, I'm ashamed of him. You're not going anywhere without me. Best-friend-sister. You're stuck with me. Let me get some coverage and we'll get out of here." She goes out the door and talks to Peg.

  Thirty minutes later Jess is driving us out of the neighborhood and into the city. "Where are we going?" Not that I care.

  "For coffee where there is no video feed." She looks at me with a smile. "I can see you'll take him back. Peg told him Jared's been waiting for you to be done with him. He didn't take it well. We'll make sure he never treats you like an option again." She smiles. I feel a twinge of guilt.

  "I have a date with Jared next weekend. I'm not into games Jess. You know me better than that." I look out the window.

  "I'm not suggesting you should start now. Rob called me last night. He didn't know what to do about the cop because you were so happy. He wanted to get you away from the guy but said he doesn't see you relaxed and happy too often." She doesn't say anymore.

  Shit. I was happy; I was still smiling when I called her. Rob has seen me with Danny, when did that not make me smile? I look at her. "I could do coffee."

  She cracks up. "You got it girlfriend. Tracy's meeting us there."

  Danny

  Too wired to go home I check the job site. My foreman, Chris, has everything running ahead of schedule. I got nothing to do but try and figure out what the fuck I'm going to do about Kate. I never thought about losing her. Fuck I'm such a dick. She's such a good woman, the total opposite of my ex. Jess says she loves me. I wouldn't feel like such a shit if I didn't have some feelings for her. I always saw us ending up together, I don't know how long I thought she'd wait for me, I had her begging for more time and I blew her off. Fuck. Now she's out with other guys, Steve said happy and laughing. I can't remember the last time we sat and laughed. I drive to the garage. I need to talk to Petey. I don't think I can sit by and watch her laughing with a brother, fuckin Jared. He's a good guy but not with my fuckin Kate.

  Kate

  We're in Victoria's, Jess and Tracy are crazy. They have a whole new wardrobe piled in the suv already. "I have plenty of panties Jess."

  "I bet you do. Since today starts the new you, the old has to go." She smiles adding panties and bras to the pile. Tracy is looking for my size in corsets. Shit. I might as well find some pajamas. They're determined to come to my house and clear out the old.

  On our way home Jess and Tracy are laughing trying to lift my spirits. I'm thinking about what Rob said. Am I just hanging onto the idea of Danny? I need to get my head straight before I jump back in with him.

  It's going to be a long night. Steve and Ben have the boys and are happy to lend me their old ladies. Tracy has margarita mix, Jess starts mixing while me and Tracy get the bags in. Feeling a little tipsy we clear out my old clothes putting the new clothes in their place. Jess leaves me very little of my old stuff, since she's the only one not drinking, I don't even question it. Thank God we only got a couple pairs of shoes.

  Steve sends a Prospect with food from the diner. I love the way he treats her, making sure she eats so his baby girl will grow in her. The Prospect takes the bags of my old clothes out when he leaves. I have no idea what Jess told him to do with them. Tracy gets the food on the table while me and Jess finish hanging the last of the skirts and dresses. "Jess how much did all this cost?" My closet is almost full again.

  She shrugs, "doesn't matter. It's not about the cost. It's about the new you, pretty, confident and underneath it all, sexy as hell." She gives me a devilish smile.

  I laugh, she's right, I always feel good when I'm wearing sexy under my clothes. "Remember the first time we shopped at Victoria's? We had enough to by a couple pairs of panties and thought we were something else."

  "Steve told me he was surprised I don't own cotton panties. I used to budget for Victoria's right along with food. Now I don't wear anything else."

  "I'm going to do that from now on. I don't have anything not sexy anymore." I smile because it feels good.

  Sitting down I tell them what I've been thinking. "I can't get what Rob said out of my head. I think I need to figure out if I'm in love with Danny or just the idea of him. I made the decision to start dating. I need to see if I get that spark from someone that wants to be with me and not just because I was on a date with someone else. I want to be happy again."

  "It's about time!" Tracy makes me laugh with her fist pump.

  Jess smiles, "I'm so proud of you. I think you're right. Rob said he doesn't see you enjoying yourself very often. You deserve to be happy every day."

  "Quit being sappy. We are not crying tonight. This is the new Kate." Tracy slaps Jess' arm.

  I crack up, "love you guys." I tell them and stuff a forkful of chicken in my mouth.

  Danny

  "Glad to see you've come to your senses. I was dreading Rich coming home seeing the man you turned into. No honor in the way you've been acting, your boy don't need to see that." Petey looks at me and I can see the disappointment in his eyes. Fuck.

  I look away. "I moved back home last night Petey. I need to
find a way to keep Kate."

  He scoffs, "didn't think you ever wanted her."

  "Fuck Petey. I know I fucked up, but I care about her." I still can't look at him so I fiddle with the plug wires he just pulled out.

  "You got a funny way of showing it Brother. Seems you only cared when someone else picked up what you dropped. You sure it's Kate you care about and not that you may have to share her?" He says low.

  "Yeah I'm sure. I always knew I would end up with her. I just fucked it up thinking she would wait." Fuck I'm such a selfish dick. I deserve all the shit I'm going to get from the Brothers. How long did I think she'd wait for me to finish fuckin anything with a pussy? I've been fucking around for two years, seeing Kate for more than half of that.

  "I'm thinking you need to let her decide what she wants to give you right now. Jared is a Brother. He's waited just as long as Kate did. Always treated his old lady right. Never touched a whore while she was alive. Kate's not wrong giving him a shot. He's a good man." What the fuck? Am I the only one that didn't know fuckin Jared is waiting to snatch her up?

  "I'm not?" I growl at him. What the fuck?

  "Use to be." He looks right at me.

  I turn around and walk out. Fuck! What the fuck happened to Brothers having my back? 'Use to be' a good man, no fuckin judgment there. I used to be the number two fuckin soldier. Now I’m the douche that dated Kate so I get nothing from my Brothers?

  I hit the R&R. Rob is behind the bar helping out the Prospect. Just what I fuckin need, should have gone to The Plank.

  "Danny, what can I get you?" He looks resigned. Fuckin great.

  "Shot of jack, thanks." I turn and look around. Thank fuck there are no brothers here.

  "Didn't think it was my place to call you yesterday. I hope you understand."

  Fuck. I look back at him. Every fuckin bit of this is my own fault. "Wasn't you're place to call me. You did the right thing." He gives me chin. "I got to figure out how to get her back." I say almost to myself.

  "Danny you were a good man when she fell for you. Get back to that guy, she'll be there again." He isn't harsh with his words, they sting more because if it.

  Fuck, everyone really does thinks I'm a fuckin douche. I was a good man, he's right, my son and sister looked at me with love, with respect. Today Jess and Petey looked at me disgusted. I slide the shot back to him and throw a twenty on the bar. "Now's a good time to start." I turn to leave.

  "That's the fuckin Danny I know. Good luck Brother." I throw a wave over my shoulder.

  Heading home I swing by Kate's, Jess' suv is still there. I keep going. I need to talk to her but I don't need an audience or another fuckin lecture today. I'll call her later. I know I deserve the shit that's thrown at me but not tonight.

  It's almost ten. I call with my heart beating double time when she picks up. "Kate, please don't hang up."

  "I wasn't going to." She doesn't sound pissed.

  "K, I use to be a guy people looked up to. I fucked that up in the worst way. I was a selfish bastard, I'm ashamed of the way I acted and treated you. I never cheated on my ex; once I was free I acted like a fuckin dick. I don't want to lose you and I know I've got no right to ask." I take a deep breath. "Can you give me some time to get my life back in order, us back in order? Get back to the guy people liked having around, someone you can be proud of." I let out the breath and wait.

  She hesitates, fuck, I did this to my beautiful Kate, put this doubt in her. "There are some things we need to talk about that have to do with me, not you." She pauses. "I think I'd like to see the old Danny while I'm figuring them out." She says almost shy like.

  The breath I was holding whooshes out, "thank fuck. I know I don't deserve a second chance, you won't regret it."

  "Danny we need to talk, really talk. I see where I've let this whole thing with you change me. I don't like what I'm seeing. You may not like what I need to do in order to make a decision about us." She sounds like she's frowning. Jesus, my shit not only hit her but fucked with her life.

  "I'm sorry I put you where you are right now. Whatever you need, I'm behind it. I'm not asking for a decision Kate. Just a shot before you make one. We use to be friends. I'd like the chance to start from there." My brain is chanting 'say yes'.

  "I'd like that. I have a couple of days off, would you like to take me to breakfast tomorrow?" She's back to shy but I hear her smile.

  "I'll be there at nine. Thanks for the shot Kate." My throat is tight. Fuck.

  "See you tomorrow." She says softly and I get dead air.

  Fuck. I sit on the porch going over everything I can remember her saying. I'm going get back to the guy I was and win her back.

  Chapter Six

  I'm just walking out the club doors with the last of the shit from my room when I feel a hand on my shoulder. "Danny I need some help man. I got a run Friday but I have to be in court. Can you take it for me? Just running from Boston shipyard to Providence. Group of eight going."

  "Sure Bob. What time?" I've done this run before it's just a ride along.

  He visibly relaxes. "Guys pull out at six thirty am. I appreciate it man." He slaps my back and heads back inside. I won’t tell him but I love subbing for him.

  I make it to Kate's and she's waiting for me on the porch before I can put the truck in park she's opening the door. "I would have got that." I'm not sure what to do here.

  "I got it, no need for you to get out." She clips her belt without moving toward me.

  "I was wondering what to do here. If I would get a kiss but maybe that was too presumptuous." I watch for her reaction.

  She looks at me and sighs. "I need to figure out what I want Danny. I don't think I should cloud my judgments or feelings anymore by jumping right back to where we were. I'd like to talk to you but I don't want to do it right here in my driveway."

  I shift and pull out. "Ok." I drive to a diner across town. The silence is stifling. What the fuck am I supposed to say? I park and she waits for me to get the door. Thank fuck that didn't change. I'm feeling so low opening her door gives me a lift. Fuckin pathetic.

  After we get our drinks I tell the waitress we'll let her know when we're ready to order. Kate takes a drink and looks at me. I'm scared shitless and wait for her to start.

  "Since we've been seeing each other I have not been with anyone else. We never talked about exclusive so I can't even be angry at you seeing other people. I'm hurt that you would be so blatantly open about the whores when I know most of the guys from the club and see them regularly. I think I'm more humiliated than anything else. It was a conversation I overheard that clued me into your exploits with other guys and more than one whore. When the guys look at me with pity, now understand why, I never got it before. If I'm not enough for you, I think you should have the balls to end us. Humiliation is not a mask I enjoy wearing." She looks at me with tears in her eyes; she's trying to blink them away.

  "I never meant to hurt you. I didn't set out to hurt you Kate. I'm so sorry I did." She nods but doesn't say anything. "When I got free of De I still had Rich to look after. I did nothing that would show him anything but how to be honorable and live with integrity. I wanted him to have a good role model. I was determined to be that for him. When he left I was free for the first time since I was nineteen. I was living every fantasy I ever had. I never once thought about how that would touch you. I always thought we'd end up together. The longer I played the more I did. I was a fuckin selfish bastard assuming you'd wait as long as I wanted you to. I didn't think about how my shit would hit you and how much that would hurt. I have absolutely no excuse to give you. I shouldn't have taken you out when I was still planning on living my fuckin fantasies. I tried to stay away from you but I couldn't. You're the polar opposite of De and I wanted you. I could see myself growing old with you. I fuckin strung you along acting like one of those fuckin selfish bastards that I always hated. I was never trying to get rid of you." She's not throwing her drink at me so I wait for what's going through her hea
d.

  "It was selfish. I remember you not calling me after the first time we went out. Again we never had the exclusive talk, as a matter of fact; we never had any kind of relationship talk. I allowed you to treat me as if I was a convenience. While doing that I let myself down, I became one. I turned into the woman that didn't believe she was worth any effort on your part. I wanted you to feel the same way I did and allowed you to fuck me twice a month without even the pay that the whores draw." She says so matter of fact. Fuck. I wince.

  What the fuck have I done to her? "Never were you treated like a whore Kate. I never treated you like..." She waves her hand at me.

  "You did. You fucked me twice a month after wining and dining me. Never promising or agreeing to anything more than a text about the next date. You don't call me in between, don't check on me to see if I'm alright, never called me on my birthday or even when we have a lockdown. You give me nothing but a few hours each month and I accepted that. After the last date when I asked you for more time and you left so fast I decided I would start dating again. We didn't have exclusive rights to each other and I can't go on like this. I want a family and a man that loves me every day. I spent my whole life alone. I want to be number one in a man’s life. I want to make a man number one in mine." She looks so fuckin hurt. Fuck! I hold her hand.

  "I'm sorry I made you doubt your worth. I want to make it up to you, start over and show you what you mean to me. Doing it the right way, with my head out of my ass. I don't want you to be embarrassed to be with me. I need to go back and be the guy you'd be proud of. I hate seeing the hurt disappointment in your eyes. Knowing that I put it there."

  She nods and gives me a sad smile. "I told you last night that I'd give you a shot before making any decisions. I will but while you’re figuring out how to be Danny again, I'll be dating." She watches me. My body freezes, I hold my breath. "I need to know that it's actually you I want to be with or if it's the idea of the guy that use to be you. I need to feel worth something again." She watches me. Fuck. Her dating is going to fuckin kill me.